October 02, 2008

Who’s Who at DPUD

Thanks to the conservative movement coming apart at the seams over the bailout bill/coming zombie apocalypse, we have a lot of new readers here at DPUD. I know it can get confusing telling who’s who, what with a cast of thousands of cobloggers, not to mention frequent commenters with names that sound like porn stars.

So I’ve put together this handy guide to who’s who at DPUD. Hey, I don’t just write fake news stories; I’m all about helpfulness. That, and gratuitous nudity.

Click below the fold to see a brief bio of our menagerie here at DPUD.

Our gracious host, one of the former rising stars of the blogosphere before he weighed his blog down with no-talented lowlights.
Lifelong dream: To make money off of his blog.
Likes: Long walks on the beach, but not in the Soviet of California, which he hopes burns in hell forever.
Favorite suffix: “tard”, as in “libtard”

It’s Vintage, Duh
DPUD’s right-hand-man, the blog enforcer. When a coblogger steps out of line, they feel Vinty’s jackbooted heel upon their neck, I can assure you.
Life’s Ambition: To get his Iron Butterfly tribute band booked at Carnegie Hall. Or anywhere. For more information, contact him at InnagoddadaVinty@gmail.com.
Biggest Fear: That it’s not really Vintage.

Moron Pundit
Thanks to our overcrowded prison system, Moron Pundit will continue to be available to blog on a wide variety of issues here at DPUD for the foreseeable future.
Likes: Rambling diatribes that tell it like it is, sunshine and puppy calendars.
Dislikes: The pope, who is awfully permissive for his tastes.

Cuffy Meigs
Many years ago, Cuffy swallowed a pair of cuff links, eventually requiring medical intervention to sort out. This is what led to his unique nickname, because Ruptured Anus Meigs doesn't really have the same flow to it.
Favorite Movie: My Little Pony, Volume 2
Favorite Book: The Communist Manifesto, because it's small enough to carry when you backpack but has enough pages to start a really good fire with.

B Mac
We were all relieved to discover that B Mac wasn't, in fact, recently-deceased comedian Bernie Mac. But his identity is still very much a mystery. It is likely that he is either a highly-connected government employee or a fan of McDonald's. Or possibly both, like former president Bill Clinton.
Secret Shame: Eats Whoppers every single lunch.
Little-Known Fact: B Mac is one of only thirty non-Microsoft employees who think Windows Vista is better than Windows XP.

Conservative Belle
Brought aboard to add a female presence to the blog. This failed, though, because the whole “Scarlett O’Hara” thing is just a cover for the fact that she’s a testosterone-swilling East German weightlifter.
Pet Peeve: Ungentlemanly men.
Little-known-fact: Every year, Conservative Belle makes a pilgrimage to Illinois to spit on William Tecumseh Sherman’s grave.

Sean M.
You know how everybody has one friend that is a maniacal, hard-drinking, wake-up-in-the-gutter-in-his-own-vomit friend that you only hang out with in small spurts because otherwise you’re afraid your liver would leap up out of your body and crawl away? That guy thinks Sean M. is “a little extreme.” Automatic Google Searches: Include all news articles with the word bacon, vodka, stripper, spidery clowns, clowny spiders, or squirrel rectums. And no, you don’t want to know why he has the last one in his search terms.
Life Aspiration: To be known as “the blogger formerly known as Sean M.”

Eddie Bear
Most people don’t realize this, but he first broke into blogging as Eddie Bare over at nothingbutbuns.hot.com. He was “butt with powdered sugar all over it” but eventually lost his job when they realized that rather than powdered sugar, it was just natural pastiness.
Fetish: Orange crocs, which actually led to a fistfight between him and alexthechick at the DPUD Christmas party one year.
Special Mention: Eddie is the second-most plain-vanilla member of the DPUD crew.

Plebian’s not a misanthropic creature who hates all humanity: he’s a misanthropic creature that hates all humanity who also writes humorous fake news stories.
Little known fact: Plebian makes Eddie Bear look like Sean M.
Secret Shame: Got fired as the Hoodunk Township Flat Animal Scraper due to “improbable and unlawful carnal knowledge of a disgusting and immoral nature” and allegations of missing carcasses that may or may not have ended up in his wife’s Delicatessen.

Not to be confused with Alex Keaton, who is slightly more liberal and slightly less manly, alexthechick is the statistician’s worst nightmare: a conservative bisexual who will openly and freely discuss her morbid fear of spiders wearing clown suits and her outrageous fetish for anal sex in leather pumps. And really, it’s not worth hearing about that kind of thing for only $7.50 an hour.
Greatest Hope: That nobody she knows ever reads anything she posts.
Conspiracy Theory: Many people believe that alexthechick and Sean M. are actually the same person, and the playful banter between them is a ruse to throw off suspicion.

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