Is America a "Christian" nation?
The NY Times magazine* is asking that question this week and they actually don't do too bad a job of it:
This year’s social-studies review has drawn the most attention for the battles over what names should be included in the roll call of history. But while ignoring Kennedy and upgrading Gingrich are significant moves, something more fundamental is on the agenda. The one thing that underlies the entire program of the nation’s Christian conservative activists is, naturally, religion. But it isn’t merely the case that their Christian orientation shapes their opinions on gay marriage, abortion and government spending. More elementally, they hold that the United States was founded by devout Christians and according to biblical precepts. This belief provides what they consider not only a theological but also, ultimately, a judicial grounding to their positions on social questions. When they proclaim that the United States is a “Christian nation,” they are not referring to the percentage of the population that ticks a certain box in a survey or census but to the country’s roots and the intent of the founders.
The Christian “truth” about America’s founding has long been taught in Christian schools, but not beyond. Recently, however — perhaps out of ire at what they see as an aggressive, secular, liberal agenda in Washington and perhaps also because they sense an opening in the battle, a sudden weakness in the lines of the secularists — some activists decided that the time was right to try to reshape the history that children in public schools study. Succeeding at this would help them toward their ultimate goal of reshaping American society. As Cynthia Dunbar, another Christian activist on the Texas board, put it, “The philosophy of the classroom in one generation will be the philosophy of the government in the next.”
...
the Christian bloc’s notion this year to bring Christianity into the coverage of American history is not, from their perspective, revisionism but rather an uncovering of truths that have been suppressed. “I don’t know that what we’re doing is redefining the role of religion in America,” says Gail Lowe, who became chairwoman of the board after McLeroy was ousted and who is one of the seven conservative Christians. “Many of us recognize that Judeo-Christian principles were the basis of our country and that many of our founding documents had a basis in Scripture. As we try to promote a better understanding of the Constitution, federalism, the separation of the branches of government, the basic rights guaranteed in the Bill of Rights, I think it will become evident to students that the founders had a religious motivation.”
Plenty of people disagree with this characterization of the founders, including some who are close to the process in Texas. “I think the evidence indicates that the founding fathers did not intend this to be a Christian nation,” says James Kracht, who served as an expert adviser to the board in the textbook-review process. “They definitely believed in some form of separation of church and state.”
There is, however, one slightly awkward issue for hard-core secularists who would combat what they see as a Christian whitewashing of American history: the Christian activists have a certain amount of history on their side.
The article goes on to look at both sides of the issue for 9 pages. It's conclusion, while the founders may have been Christian they were also participants in the enlightenment (enlightenees??) and that was characterized by questioning and distrust of religions role in government.
I agree. I am not a constitutional scholar but personally I feel that the founders did intend a "wall of separation", at least at the federal level. It can be seen in Jefferson's writings, the history of colonization in America (specifically the Pilgrims who came here to escape "established churches"), The writings of Thomas Paine and James Madison among others. The board members in Texas seem to ignore those writings. Personally I think they fatally undercut their case.
I suspect that there are some who will disagree with me wholeheartedly.
(Note: This isn't to say that I am denying the strong Judeo-Chrsitian influence on American society and history. That is undeniable and a positive thing in my opinion. I am just saying that I don't think the founders intended a "Christian nation")
*I am probably violating the DPUD style guide by linking the NY Times but I excerpted a lot of material so I felt it had to be done.
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Many of them were Deists, or held a Deistic view of the divinity, and no problem, Sully's really the numero uno target of the DPUD link embargo.
Posted by: doubleplusundead at February 11, 2010 10:08 PM (GcfAO)
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I'm just barely into a book on this topic, and found it interesting that established churches in Mass, Conn, and New Hampshire persisted into the 1800s, with Mass being the last holdout until 1833.
Not to say that established state churches are a good idea, just that nobody assumed the US Constitution had any prohibition on them.
This is, of course, entirely consistent with a religiously neutral Federal government, and the Treaty of Tripoli in 1797.
Posted by: JoeCollins at February 11, 2010 10:18 PM (jtJig)
I'm probably really bastardizing this, but given the way the book's arranged here's the idea I've gotten so far. The "Christian Nation" stuff was pre-revolution. The Pilgrims (and similar colonists) didn't want religious freedom as we know it, they wanted to establish their own religious community (and burn witches and stuff). Phase Two is the "competition" phase and marketplace of ideas, roughly coincident with the writing of the Constitution. (The deists make an appearance in phase 2.) Phase three is "religious freedom", though I don't have a clue yet how this differs from phase 2.
JoeCollins, you might want to add "The Christian Character of the Civil Institutions of the United States" by Benjamin Franklin Morris to that list, with the caveat that it was first published during the Civil War, and therefore, it does not contain the style of citation that one would expect of modern works. (Much of the introduction could have been written for today, strangely enough)
Nonetheless, I found it quite interesting, and certainly contrary to the "most of the Founding Fathers were deists" meme so prevalent today. Between that and "Faith of Our Founding Fathers", I'm fairly convinced that Paine, Jefferson, and Franklin were deists, although Franklin's various statements seem to be more supportive of the Bible both as a means to learn about God and as a foundation for civil society than Jefferson was.
However, depending on how one chooses to conceptualize the roles of the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, the fact that the Constitution does not establish a religion is not surprising. Especially since other governmental documents such as the Northwest Ordinance, and the acts of several Congresses to publish and distribute Bibles to schools would seem to favor the argument that while the Founders had no intent to establish any one sect of Christianity as an official state religion, neither did they intend that christianity with a small "c" would be the common moral frame of reference and practice with the nation. This was consistent with both acts of Congress and rulings of the Supreme Court up until 1949 when the Everson case made that famous excerpt from Jefferson's Private Letter to the Danbury Baptists the standard for the Court's interpretation of the Establishment Clause, and a means for anti-Christian litigants to start undoing law and precedent that dates back to the establishment of the Republic. This is only made more ironic by the fact that Jefferson himself was not present for the Constitutional Convention, as he was serving as the Ambassador to France at the time, and later saw to it that the University of Virginia had ample space set aside dedicated specifically to the practice and preservation of faith. Indeed, the texts of several of his speeches given while he was President makes clear that he certainly didn't have a problem seeking guidance from God, or invoking his name as he considered how God might have judged various national institutions and practices.
A walking tour of the nation's capitol and examination of the various buildings and structures will also reveal numerous references to God, and his role in the history of this country, and contradicts the modern view regarding the relationship between church and state and what is Constitutionally permissible.
Amongst American Christian fundamentalists (I'm one btw), the tale goes a bit deeper. We believe that the ultimate source of the blessings that America enjoys are due to our adherence as a nation to the laws of the God of Abraham, and our support - and our continued support - as a nation, to Israel.
We don't politically push this (well the fringe is as the fringe always does, and you just can't keep idiots from being embarrassingly and publicly vocal: its a free country) ...because we understand as well as anyone the need for religious tolerance, and the reason for a political separation of church and state (our forebears came here to practice denominal faiths that were NOT accepted in the countries of our origins).
But that belief (expressed Biblically in the Compact with God of Abraham's genetic and spiritual descendents) is a large part of the reason even thoughtful fundamentalists are increasingly - and politically - resistant to the overtanti-Chrisitian secularization of the nation: our fear and belief (or more correctly: our certainty) is that those blessings will - increasingly - be removed from the nation, if we as a nation move away from that ancient compact with God.
(Not preaching btw: explaining, and adding to the discussion ...and don't mind - or care, actually: to each his own, and whatever works for you - if you don't agree ... someone else's disbelief doesn't change my faith. What's between you and God is none of my bloody business.)
I just assume that this is common knowledge ...it's always a bit strange to me to realize that it might actually be rather ...obscure.
Posted by: davis,br at February 12, 2010 02:05 AM (uCShA)
The biggest lie peddled by the left over the last 50 years is that secularism is morality neutral.
It is no such thing, and the dirty little secret is that secular humanists knew this right from the start. All it takes is to peruse the Humanist Manifesto I, in which they repeatedly characterize their own beliefs as religious in nature.
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Ok, I'll probably be stepping on my dick here, but what the hell, I'm amongst fellow morons.
I am a lapsed Catholic (fallen is probably more appropriate). I just had too many disagreements personally with the Church of Rome, and since it's their religion, it's not my place (in spite of what Pelosi and Kennedy seem to think) to tell them they're wrong. So I left. Nowadays if you try to pin me down, I'd pretty much confess to being a Deist with christian (little c) leanings.
That said. I do NOT like the severe anti-Christian bias that has been sweeping the nation (in universities and media mostly). And it has less to do with my ox being gored and more to do with the concept that you cannot discriminate vs minorities, so it must be ok and even laudable to discriminate against the majority. The most recent example of this I can come up with is the Moslem chaplain at that one university (I may have read about it on some blog) saying that it's the duty of moslems to kill homosexuals and he can't teach otherwise. Had this man been a Christian chaplain, he'd have been out on his ass that day. Instead, we get lectures of "be tolerant of different beliefs" from the University administration. Yeah, about that, FOADIAF.
What's good for the goose is fucking good for the horns of the bull you rode in on (or something like that). If you want to preach tolerance of different beliefs, that fucking includes mainstream ones you dickfisters. No I don't ascribe to a fundamentalist Christian lifestyle. And the Constitution guarantees I won't have to. But by the same goddamn token, I don't have to ascribe to a Moslem lifestyle NOR do I have to ascribe to an atheistic one, you hypocritical shitgobblers!!! So sit down, shut the fuck up, let good folks practice whatever fucking religion they want (and by the way, atheism is a religion itself) and leave all of us the fuck alone.
Posted by: MikeD at February 12, 2010 11:07 AM (FkL60)
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When Bush said Jesus was his favorite philosopher, I had to agree.
See, I've always thought they subscribed to the Judeo-Christian "Philosophy" and not necessarily any, particular religion. They two are different, or else there would be only one Christian church instead of however many there are.
It seems to me that most of them subscribe to the same core philosophy (considering they're working from the same, general text they'd have to), they just worship differently. Sure there are outliers, but in general they're mostly about doing unto others as they want to be done upon.
Posted by: Veeshir at February 12, 2010 05:56 PM (SYAAx)
Green Police
Mike D. asks, "Where the hell is the dpud thread on the freakin Green Police commercial!?!"
Right here.
It was about 2 seconds into the song when I said to my friends, "The 'green police' come into my house and start fucking with me and I'll fucking shoot every one of them in the fucking FACE."
From there, my confidence that there would be epic bloodshed should some group of hippie cock-gobblers try to arrest me for using a fucking plastic grocery bag increased steadily.
Just to be clear, enviro-nazis, if you try to force me to be "green" I will force you to bleed severely from one to many holes in your torso and genital region. You can pry my Styrofoam take out container from my cold dead hands. Of course, if I were a betting man I'd bet that your hands would be cold and dead long before mine.
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See for me, it was a touch creepy. Mostly because some of the folks at the Superbowl party I was at were all "right on" and cheering this thing. I mean... wow. I'm no conspiracy nut. But it's damned scary when your fellow US citizens actually think that arresting folks for having incandescent bulbs or asking for plastic bags is anything less than monstrous. It'd be one thing if it was just the greenies laughing at their own foibles. But this was wish fulfillment type crap. Seriously scary shit there.
Posted by: MikeD at February 08, 2010 04:23 PM (FkL60)
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Now do you see why I need speedloaders for my 500?
Posted by: Veeshir at February 08, 2010 04:26 PM (U3rth)
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Heh, one third of our readership, cbullit, found the comment of the day on this ad I don’t get it. It’s supposed
to be an advert for cars, but after watching it, I want to buy shotgun
shells. What gives? Is there some kind of subliminal message?
Posted by: Veeshir at February 08, 2010 04:33 PM (U3rth)
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I don't understand the people who think it's mocking the enviroweenies. It would have been if Talahassee came barreling over the blockade with the Hummer. Otherwise, not so much.
And is that an anteater?
I maintain my position - this ad makes me want to roast baby seal over a tire fire.
Posted by: alexthechick at February 08, 2010 04:37 PM (8WZWv)
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Man, I still think it's funny! And I hate me some tree-huggin' hippies!
Posted by: ECM at February 08, 2010 04:45 PM (nYKDd)
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Yeah, it was semi-amusing. The right shouldn't let itself become as humorless as the progressives. So, lighten up Francis.
Posted by: Hermit Dave at February 08, 2010 04:56 PM (WhFvm)
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I didn't find it amusing at all. I found it creepy.
Posted by: MCPO Airdale at February 08, 2010 05:11 PM (k5nPY)
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I didn't find anything about it funny. If you leave the politics out of it, I don't get the joke. From a neutral standpoint it is just a nonsensical commercial about a fictional police force that harrasses citizens for breaking illogical but not humorous laws.
Posted by: Moron Pundit at February 08, 2010 05:26 PM (GC5S2)
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The paper or plastic thing it started out with has been a pet-peeve for years. I grew up near a paper mill and anything that smells that bad cannot be environmentally friendly, paper is heavier so costs more to ship per unit, uses a lot more energy to produce, it cannot be reused much and recycling paper is a very dirty business.
ok /rant off
Posted by: fozzy at February 08, 2010 05:32 PM (ccEuN)
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I didn't want to write about this, but since fozzy brought it up I can't resist.
Plastic is much better for the environment than paper. He already mentioned the increased shipping weight. It also takes up ten times as much space in a landfill. The fact of the matter is that paper takes thousands of years to fully biodegrade, so for all practical purposes it is not biodegradable. Further, the plastic that bags are made of can be fairly easily re-melted into more bags or anything else that is made out of polyethylene.
And I don't know about how bad paper smells when it is made, but corn syrup smells like a rotting bag of assholes.
Posted by: Jeff M at February 08, 2010 05:44 PM (8P3+x)
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fractionally humorous. that being said, some eco-weenie "green police" comes busting through my door, 'cause the peepin perv saw me toss a banana peel in the trash, at best he's gonna meet Bam, my aluminum bat upside his head or kneecap; or worst, a 40 cal hydroshock to the cranium or chest, and maybe the nuts just for shits and giggles. Leave me the fuck alone, nanny stater trash!
Posted by: mrfixit at February 08, 2010 07:55 PM (Bsm1s)
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Yeah, that's pretty much not funny: http://michellemalkin.com/2008/08/01/good-news-chastened-sf-mayor-proposes-new-crackdown-on-dangerous-criminals/
Posted by: see-dubya at February 08, 2010 09:34 PM (94Bbb)
Input needed
So I'm going to the Giants/Foreskins game on Monday (Yay!). It's going to be in the 20s. So my question: What's a good hot drink? I usually have hot chocolate and Crown (don't tell my father I mix my whiskey with something besides water), but that's too sweet to have more than one or two.
Right now I'm leaning toward hot tea with Hennessy and Bailey's, leading to tea with Hennessy leading to Hennessy.
Do any of you know any better hot, alcoholic drink? I can't think of one.
Posted by: ajmojo at December 19, 2009 11:15 AM (xPNBF)
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When I am on vacation, I usually have coffee with some Irish, and Baileys.
Humm, it is Saturday.....
Posted by: Vmaximus at December 19, 2009 11:27 AM (EESSb)
4
Best hot drink ever is Baileys and Frangelico. Nutty irishman.
Irish coffees are good - stronger than the above since it uses actual alcohol.
Posted by: Carin at December 19, 2009 02:16 PM (6+A8I)
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My friend's wife is drinking with me so it needs to be "female friendly".
Now Bailey's and Frangelico sounds like a good idea.
Posted by: Veeshir at December 19, 2009 03:37 PM (I8MXB)
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OT, but remember Alice's post about the pic of the shirtless, homeless guy in the ads? He's been in every, single one since then. Student loans, mortgages, all kinds of stuff.
Pretty funny. What's not funny is I moved to Virginia to get away from blizzards. Screw Al Gore.
Posted by: Veeshir at December 19, 2009 03:40 PM (I8MXB)
OT, but remember Alice's post about the pic of the shirtless, homeless guy in the ads? He's been in every, single one since then. Student loans, mortgages, all kinds of stuff.
He keeps showing up in the "Obama wants single moms to go back to school" ads on Facebook. Which I think is hysterical
Posted by: Ember at December 19, 2009 05:26 PM (LdRAG)
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Hot coffee with Irish. Drunk and wide-awake is a great way to go through life!
Posted by: MCPO Airdale at December 19, 2009 05:55 PM (k5nPY)
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I thought MP had the poatse about the homeless guy when he went for his fantasy football team
Posted by: eddiebear at December 19, 2009 06:39 PM (z28MY)
Posted by: JavaJoe at December 19, 2009 07:56 PM (Am6n/)
12I thought MP had the poatse about the homeless guy when he went for his fantasy football team Oops, sorry.
The worst part? I think I insulted both of them.
Posted by: Veeshir at December 19, 2009 08:23 PM (v8OF8)
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Today after dragging the kids around the foot and a half of globwarming on a toboggan, they had a big cup of hot cocoa. I did too, but I dumped in two fingers of Christian Brothers brandy in my cup. Did the trick.
Not E&J brandy. Those communist Gallo pencilnecks give beaucoup bucks to Pelosi. Christian Brothers, unless you're in an income situation where you can pour Martell into a cup of cocoa. In which case you still shouldn't.
Posted by: See-Dubya at December 19, 2009 09:06 PM (4sZcI)
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The problem is drinking lots of hot chocolate. It gets too sweet. And we're tailgating before a game. So we might have more than cocktail.
Posted by: Veeshir at December 19, 2009 09:08 PM (v8OF8)
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At the risk of sounding condescending...have you considered, well, beer?
Posted by: See-Dubya at December 19, 2009 09:13 PM (4sZcI)
Southern Comfort & coffee. Or SoCo with hot chocolate. I've also found that blackberry brandy goes well with either of the two aforementioned hot drinks. Peppermint schnapps goes well in those drinks also, but the alcohol content of your run-of-the-mill peppermint schnapps isn't high enough to help you sit through a Redskins game.
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WTF? UFO? AGW? ICBM? LOTR?
I don't know how to embed the vid from this page, but check it out. It's about freaky. It looks like the first couple of seconds as the aliens break into the atmosphere in Independence Day but it just hangs there. Is it p-shopped? Is it the beginning of an eye storm? Update with video even though it's old.
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Swine Flu Or Ace On A Bender In Canada? Which Is Worse For The Hobo Population?We may soon find out.
"We know we would have very high death rates," said Wendy Muckle,
executive director of Ottawa Inner City Health. "We also know that with
the numbers of people that we have who could be infected, we would
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Ottawa Inner City Health is a non-profit organization started by
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Ask a Moron: It's a Conspiracy! Edition
Thought I'd give this a go, Jon Henke asks the following on Twitter,
When will Republicans do to the Birthers what William F. Buckley did to the Birchers?
The answer? Never. Because you can never do to the modern Birthers what Buckley did to the Birchers. Sure, you can marginalize them some, but you aren't going to be able to reduce their ability to publicize themselves on a broad scale or engage in attention whoring stunts, it's like trying to grab a fistful of water. When you only had to shut them out of a few publications, radio stations and TV shows, you could marginalize them pretty handily, as Buckley did. Modern technology makes that an impossibility.
Could the left and the Democrats slap down the even more embarrassing Truthers or Code Pinkos in any significant way? Not that I saw. The Truther and Code Pinko crews seem to have quieted down after the 2008 elections...odd that. Unfortunately, it seems to be the case that a certain percentage of society is pretty much is just going to become certifiably insane after the results of any election. Let's not forget those polls exposing the shocking percentage of liberals who were Truthers. I fully expect a surprising percentage of GOPers who believe the Birther crap too.
Consider it one of the downsides to opening up broad publication access to the public at large. I for one consider the fact that I and most of us Morons, Henke and other decent folk can have the ability to publish our thoughts to a (theoretically) broad audience and organize trumps the downside, that insane Truthers, Birthers and other refuse can do the same.
As for politicians smacking down these guys, it'll never happen, that's like sticking your dick in a hornet's nest. You're better off backing away slowly and calling in a professional to take care of the pests.
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Well, that overlooks as well that in addition to denouncing the Birchers, Buckley et al had a positive message to rally around. They had a path that made sense, both emotionally and politically. That's how you generate a winning political coalition.
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So you're saying all of this was that bastard Reagan's fault. I knew somehow conservatives were to blame.
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When the zombies attack I want to know if they can starve to....uhhhh..... death(*)? So can I just stay in my house and wait until they run out of brains and all die(*)?
(*)Or whatever it's called when zombies are no longer ambulatory.
I'm glad you asked this because I believe it is an issue at the heart of how to prepare for the coming Zombie Apocalypse and it needs clarification.
Short answer: No. Kinda. "Enervate" is the appropriate term*.
Long (no, really... LONG) answer: It depends on what you mean by "zombie." As anyone that has read anything I've written about zombies knows, my definition (the true definition) of zombie is a dead human that has returned from grave through supernatural means, often a vague cause like "Hell Is Full." Unfortunately, many recent films about "zombies" have implied or explicitly stated that the cause of the outbreak is an infectious agent of some kind such as a super-virus bred by an evil corporation or released by moronic hippies at a monkey lab. This is, obviously, magnificent bullshit.
This is the source of the confusion. Infected "zombies" are, for all practical purposes, alive. They breathe, eat, shit (presumably), and otherwise follow the laws of biology and physics. This being the case, it is absolutely impossible (thermodynamics, babeee!) for them to continue to remain ambulatory without a source of energy; in this case: brains. So, were a massive infection of "zombies" to begin to spread it would logically follow that eventually they would exhaust whatever food source they had and at that time would begin to starve to death as all living things deprived of fuel would. Like an influenza outbreak, you could quarantine and wait it out.
Unfortunately for you, the coming zombie apocalypse has absolutely nothing to do with diseases or corporations**. No, G-d is going to get pissed and fucking close the doors to hell, forcing the damned souls of the recently dead to return to the rotting husks they previously called their bodies. The rage and suffering at the core of these beings, now deprived of their just punishment and the presence of a loving God will force these beings to hunger for that which allows the living to commune with their creator and enjoy the essense of his love. Their brains***.
Now, there are two things that I need to very clear. 1) Zombies do decay. Lacking the energizing effects of biology, the physical elements of their being will slowly rot. They just do it slowly, seemingly at a random rate. This is probably caused by the same supernatural effect that allows them super strength and biting ability. 2) Zombies do not feed for sustenance. They feed to satiate an addictive need to harm and absorb the energy of the living. It is a need originating from the combination of a craving for what they have lost with the desire to punish those that retain it.
Actually eating the brain does nothing for the zombie, not even momentarily sate the crushing addiction. But, as is the case with many addictions, the lack of enjoyment does not predicate a realization that their pursuit is pointless. Nay, it only increases the desire to chase the desired high.
So, what would happen if you tried to wait the zombies out? I hope you are in a library and haven't broken your glasses because you're going to be there for a while. A human body can take a long time to decay under normal circumstances and the addition of supernatural resistance would only increase it. I'd estimate anywhere from several months to several years for the zombies to enervate to a point that they couldn't harm you. There soul would still be in the husk but it would lack any ability to move (barring the very frightening skeleton warrior scenario). So, you maybe could wait them out but it wouldn't necessarily be a perfect solution as the decay rates of different zombies in different environments might extend their unlife for quite a long time.
So, um... no, they can't starve to death. Yes, you can wait them out but it would be a long wait and there is no guarantee they would all be fully enervated.
* - Of course, this only applies to true "Hell Is Full" zombies and not the pathetic Infected "zombies" we are often confronted with in many modern films. ** - But it will have something to do with hippies, which I find less than 5% variant from zombies in any outwardly discernable way. *** - An argument that love is felt in the heart is an archaic idiocy originating long before the function of the human body was understood in any meaningful way. It is clear that the brain is the seat of all human thought and emotion and therefore the logical source of the energy craved by zombies.
First of all, I control the gates to Hell. The other guy just sends them to me. Secondly, I never run out of space; I can just carm more into a room. Who cares if they aren't comfortable? I mean, it's Hell, right?
Posted by: Satan at April 10, 2009 11:21 AM (wnU1W)
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I believe that I already covered this topic back when I was trying to turn the Patterico v. Goldstein thread into "All Zombies, All The Time".
Posted by: Zombie Russ from Winterset at April 10, 2009 11:49 AM (/MEFr)
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I am not a zombie aficionado. That said, that was the best thought out reason I have ever heard given. As a matter of fact it is the only time I have heard the non viral reasoning.
Thanks
Posted by: Vmaximus at April 10, 2009 12:18 PM (sA5Gz)
4There soul would still be in the husk but it would lack any ability to move
Do you really think zombies have souls?
I'm going to ignore your confusion over there/their and using there/their with a singular 'soul', since I'm guessing you forgot to proof that sentence anyway
Posted by: Alice H at April 10, 2009 12:21 PM (jRtPb)
That's what you get for rushing a post out at work. I'll leave it stand as a testament to my stupidity.
And yes, I believe zombies are animated by the tortured souls of the damned. Perhaps not directly inhabiting the husk but perhaps driving them by proxy... like Go To My PC except with corpses.
Go To My Possession Suit.
Posted by: Moron Pundit at April 10, 2009 01:13 PM (83gRI)
6
Wait. What's proofing? I thought it had to do with liquor, in which case I "proofed" the hell out of it.
Posted by: Moron Pundit at April 10, 2009 01:14 PM (83gRI)
7
Look, Hell too full, Umbrella Corp. whatevs. As long as hot chicks are shooting them in the face, I'm there.
Posted by: alexthechick at April 10, 2009 01:29 PM (TD1lU)
I'm not going to be able to stop chuckling over that one.
Posted by: Alice H at April 10, 2009 01:37 PM (jRtPb)
9
This is relevant to my interests. Also: despite the infected and therefore wussy nature of the zombies, I quite enjoy Left 4 Dead. Further: Hunters, and especially Tanks are most definitely not wussy.
When you angsty soul zombies can jump from buildings or wall to wall like a spider on a crystal meth/pcp cocktail or punch cars at the feeble humans then you can call me.
PS. I have more stuff for you MP. I'll e-mail it when I get home.
You've cleared up some important misconceptions about how zombies relate to food. You can't starve them out. You might wait for them to decay, but this takes at least 10 years in environments that don't freeze during the winter -- longer if they do.
Posted by: John at April 10, 2009 04:43 PM (GACaV)
12
If my husband ever gives the bridge back to the Xbox, we are *so* gonna have a moron L4D session.
Posted by: Alice H at April 10, 2009 08:11 PM (jRtPb)
13
Oh, and protip for hunters - they're easily sucker punched if you can stand your ground when they're pouncing you. Punch them right before they land on you, they stumble around like Ace after a hobo kill and it's easy to fill 'em full of buckshot then.
And no, tanks are not wimpy. Tanks kinda suck.
Posted by: Alice H at April 10, 2009 08:13 PM (jRtPb)
I'm not going to chime in on how awesome MP is, because I just don't roll that way, but ...
I missed that thread intentionally. I read Jeff's initial post on the topic, I scanned some of the stuff at Patterico ... and that's it. Way too much drama for me.
Posted by: Hermit Dave at March 27, 2009 08:12 PM (WhFvm)
2
That pizza slicer looks poorly designed. Not very ergonomic.
Posted by: Sean M. at March 18, 2009 12:24 PM (rLWHv)
3
I'm not touching the slicer, I can tell you that much.
Posted by: eddiebear at March 18, 2009 01:07 PM (wnU1W)
4
Sean, it gets more ergonomic the more you... umm... handle it.
Posted by: Moron Pundit at March 18, 2009 02:11 PM (83gRI)
5
Hey! Leave that sort of talk for when Rosetta shows up!
Posted by: eddiebear at March 18, 2009 02:40 PM (wnU1W)
6
Geeeeeezzz...ya make ONE small typo on the URL. I mean can't you see the similarties?
pizzahut.com=doubleplusundead.mee.nu Looks identical to me. But the again, I went to public school. BTW, that's PowerGlutes' pizza. Or Perez Hilton. Or somebody.
Posted by: FishFearMe at March 19, 2009 10:17 AM (DL7CT)
Ask A Moron: Why don't you ever answer any Ask A Moron Question?
A secret admirerer writes: My dearest and most esteemed Moron Pundit, for what reason have you ceased your delightful feature 'Ask a Moron?' I fear I will soon expire without your wise guidance and crudely drawn diagrams. Love, your secret admirer.
P.S. - The shaft just isn't wide enough. Please widen.
Well, the main reason is that I ran out of questions*. I intend to finish the Zombie Invasion questions but those take a long time to write and life has been a crazy, chaotic mess since about November.
So, ask away if you dare have the deepest mysteries of the universe, life and everything revealed to you by a drunk guy wearing a helmet.
* - Well, that or the questions I did have didn't get answered in a timely fashion by myself and reached their expiration date.
Posted by: Robert Woolwine at February 21, 2009 12:33 PM (SdrgM)
5
Gucci is considered one of the most influential handbag and shoes designers in the fashion industry. The label is synonymous with opulence and quality, and is widely regarded as a status symbol.
3-D Pr0n May Sound Cool, But Can I Watch It On My Computer?Ummm...just askin'.
Shooting on the Chinese-language film 3D Sex And Zen, budgeted at 4
million US dollars, is scheduled for April with producers promising
some of the most realistic close-up sex scenes ever.
"Just imagine that you'll be watching it as if you were sitting beside the bed," Stephen Shiu Jnr told the Sunday Morning Post.
"There will be many close-ups. It will look as if the actresses are only a few centimetres from the audience."
Twenty
five to 30 per cent of the movie, an update of one of Hong Kong's best
known erotic films Sex And Zen, will be sex scenes, Shiu told the
newspaper.
A Hong Kong-based special effects company that has
worked on major blockbusters including The Nightmare Before Christmas
3D will help produce the 3D images for the sex movie.
Posted by: Andy Sullivain at January 25, 2009 11:53 PM (5DhtJ)
2tiffany jewelry hot sale now with discount. Tiffanyhotsale provides the best Tiffany & Co jewelry, including Necklaces, Bracelets, Earrings, Pendants and so on .
Posted by: louis vuitton at November 02, 2009 02:13 AM (B2yzp)
3
With 60 meager Links of London Links of London she went to shape a beginning
Posted by: Links of London at December 26, 2009 09:13 PM (bFEIp)
1
NICEEE.....I hate that bitch....she is the epitomy of what a bitch really is.....that's right a freaking dog and traitor...and I am a woman imagine how the men feel about her!
Posted by: Jaded at October 30, 2008 03:51 PM (0lpqx)
Agreed. I rarely wish real harm upon other human beings but after what she did in Vietnam I'd probably smile watching her get eaten by a pack of rabid dogs.
In other words, her death would bring me joy. I'm not saying anyone should hurt her but if a plane crashed into her or she were hit by a meteor I'd dance on her fucking grave.
I think, if McCain wins, we should capture her and let him beat her to death at the inaugeration.
Posted by: Moron Pundit at October 30, 2008 03:53 PM (83gRI)
Researchers have found a new "see-through" use for clear sticky tape -- it produces X-rays when it is peeled off the roll.
The report in the journal Nature confirms a theory dating back to 1930 -- that the process of peeling the tape releases energy not only in the form of a flash of visible light, but also an X-ray.
Many children hiding in closets have demonstrated that unwinding sticky tape produces sparks of light. The phenomenon is called triboluminescence and is caused by the movement of one surface against another.
Carlos Camara of University of California, Los Angeles and colleagues used a motorized peeling machine to unwind a roll of tape in a vacuum.
They generated enough X-rays to show the bones inside their fingers.
Holy crap. I hear you out there saying, "but you said there'd be fusion!" So there shall:
"If you unroll the tape on your office desk in ambient conditions you only get visible light. You don't get X-rays," he added. This is because gases in the air slow down the electrons that produce the X-rays.
"What always makes X-rays in general is electrons that are moving very fast and suddenly get stopped," Camara, a physicist, said.
"They are flying from one side of the tape to the other as you separate them. You get something like a miniature lightning strike."
This property might be used to make nuclear fusion, Camara and his team said. All it would take is about 10 times as much energy as was produced during the experiment, he said.
It might be possible to unroll the tape even faster to get the effect, Camara said.
"It's just an energy issue. We have managed to get X-rays with this. If you could go another factor of 10 you could get that much more energy and fusion would be proof of that much energy," he said.
It is a very strange world.
* - I am only posting this as an Ask A Moron so we can get more questions. I know CB asked me about my car but I just can't find a clever way to explain buying exactly the same car. It actually does get good mileage and is fun to drive... if I'd bought a cement truck it would have been more entertaining.
So what I'm saying is, leave your questions in the comments or e-mail them to chaos -dot- overlord -at- gmail -dot- com.
While I'm polishing off my ridiculous rant (3500 words or so) I thought I'd bitch about Obama a bit to cleanse the pallet. It seems that Obama's surrogates are threatening the FCC licenses of radio stations that run pro 2nd Amenment ads:
I have friends that say they're voting for Obama because Bush took away too many of their rights. I don't dispute that the Bush regime has taken away a lot of civil liberties and that's nothing I'm proud of. Point taken.
But what the Dimocrats don't get is that taking away my gun rights is no better. And they don't give a tinker's damn about my 2nd amendment rights, as witnessed by the telling comments of impeached federal judge and Democratic House Leader Alcee Hastings.
Hastings told an audience of Jewish Democrats Wednesday that they should be wary of Republican VP nominee Sarah Palin because "anybody toting guns and stripping moose don't care too much about what they do with Jews and blacks."
So, all gun owners are genocidal racists. Thanks for that, Criminal Hastings. Glad to see you're not painting people with a broad brush.
Meanwhile, not only does Obama want to ban the sale and transfer of all semi-automatic firearms. Not only does he want to ban the manufacture, sale, and possession of handguns. His campaign is now threatening to have the FCC revoke the licenses of the television stations if they don't drop NRA ads that accurately depict his position on the 2nd amendment.
Allowing advertisement that accurately depict his rabid anti-gun history aren't okay but receiving untold millions in in-kind contributions from a friendly media and astroturfing PR firms is? I guess its because any legitimate issue raised against Obama is a distraction and should be illegal while anything supporting him is divine and should be supported.
I wonder if Obama's thought police will have unicorns on their badges.
(h/t: Anal penetration expert and regular commenter Alice H.)
1
Now, now, now, don't be all upset because Obama wants to pull ads that aren't telling the truth. I mean, don't you agree that Obama is the Ultimate Decider of Truth?
RAAAAACCCCIIIIISSSSTTTT!!!!
Posted by: alexthechick at September 26, 2008 11:28 AM (SHHaV)
Obama is, in fact, the final arbiter of Truth™. I'm more concerned with the truth, personally.
Truth™ holds that 9/11 was perpetrated by a dark cabal of Neo-Conservative (JOOOOOOOS) billionaire industrialists (or something). The truth is, islamic extremists actually hate America and killed a bunch of us. See the difference?
Oh, and you noticed that OBAMA IS HALF BLACK!!!! RACIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111
Posted by: Moron Pundit at September 26, 2008 11:33 AM (83gRI)
3
Seems to be RACIST day at DPUD. It's still ok to make fun of retards though, right? Can I call Obama retarded? Is that racist or insulting to retards? All this PC crap really confuses me.
Posted by: Hermit Dave at September 26, 2008 11:36 AM (WhFvm)
Frequent commenter (and thigh-high boot enthusiast) alexthechick asks: Okay - Here's an Ask A Moron - Zombie Edition question: Let's say that theoretically I have a choice of wearing the thigh high spike heel leather boots or the nice perfectly broken in Nike crosstrainers when fleeing the zombies. Which is a better choice? Please discuss both the fast and slow zombie variants. Also feel free to include which are more likely to result in my having assistance in fleeing said zombies.
Tactically, it is clear that flexible, comfortable clothes combined with comfortable running shoes would give a great advantage in acceleration and maneuverability in either slow zombie or fast zombie scenarios. It would probably be more important with fast zombies as the slow (stealth zombies) are more dangerous from surprise than in a foot race. Of course, this isn't really the important part.
The question of footwear brings us into the deeper topic of what is the best attire for surviving a zombie apocalypse. My painstaking research yields just one result. The sexier you dress, the more likely you are to survive (thank god). Take, for example, Jill Valentine from Resident Evil: Apocalypse: Yowza! As you can see she is not wearing what one would describe as survivalist gear and her footwear leaves something to be desired in the practical department. Of course, in every other department there's little room for improvement. Again, yowza.
While more flatfooted, her partner in crime's wardrobe would be listed in the sexy rather than comfortable category.
Yowza.
Now, if you've spent any time with the Resident Evil movies, you'll note that both of these characters survived the zombie invasion with the added benefit of looking fabulous! While you'd think that high heels and platform boots would create difficult in maneuvering, it seems spinning double backflips while shooting automatic weapons was a trivial endeavor for these ladies. Also, whenever the situation got a little out of hand, muscular men with 5-O'Clock shadow would come out of the woodwork to sacrifice themselves for the greater good. Yes, hot chicks are for the greater good.
Think about it this way. Even if humanity does survive the zombie apocalypse, there will very few of us left and conscientious men give great thought to rebuilding civilization in these times. Now, who are you going to save? The frumpy chick in the sweat pants and ratty chucks or the stunning supermodel in the platform boots and a mini skirt? I think we all know the answer. I definitely could take one for the team by repopulating the human species with Jill Valentine. Just saying.
So alex, your mission is clear. Set aside a pleather bondage outfit with spiked thighhighs, two thigh-holsters and enough cleavage to smother Hugh Heffner and keep it ready for the day hell gets full. You'll be glad you did and so will all of us.
Regular Commenter (and buttplug expert) Alice H. asks:Is Zombie Reagan valid armament?
Unfortunately for humanity, my research indicates that Zombie Reagan will actually be the leader of the zombie invasion. All we get is Zombie Tip O'Neill.
Bar Slave (and master of disappearance) Old Iron asks: Could you possibly use glass jars full of brains as a type of distraction tactic if you get swarmed to allow you to get either to safety or a better firing position? I have no idea how you would get the raw material (a morgue, perhaps?) but I thought it could be an idea...
Of course not and I'll explain why. The zombie's desire for brains is not based on the physical qualities of the brain. If that were the case, you'd witness zombies eating each other's brains or the brains of corpses instead of hunting the living. No, the actual need served by brains is to feed on the pain and vitality of the living. A far better tactic would be to catapult orphan children as a distraction method. Orphan children are jam packed with pain and vitality.
In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me at chaos -dot- overlord -at- gmail -dot- com.
I understand those "Grind House" movies were pretty much teh suck, especially the Kurt Rusell one, but how could you ignore the machine-gun-leg/knee high boots look?
Posted by: Veeshir at August 21, 2008 12:07 PM (zXUuJ)
I basically enjoyed Death Proof (the Kurt Russell one) but understand how most think it sucks.
You do, however, make a valid point. While I wouldn't recommend a woman cut off her leg so she could plant a machine gun on it, I must admit to finding it bizarrely attractive.
Posted by: Moron Pundit at August 21, 2008 12:18 PM (83gRI)
5
Hold on, hold on, I'm taking notes. I deeply approve of your choices for illustration btw. Also, point. The boots that both Jill Valentine and My Sekrit Internet Girlfriend Milla are wearing are, in point of fact, practical. Note the low heel. Note the sturdy construction. Note the support to the calves which provides quite useful when roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Plus, you know, sexass.
I definitely could take one for the team by repopulating the human species with Jill Valentine.
Your nobility is astounding.
Posted by: alexthechick at August 21, 2008 02:05 PM (SHHaV)
6
Is it just me, or do Jill Valentine and Lara Croft shop at the same store?
Also, where is that store located please?
Posted by: Sean M. at August 21, 2008 02:31 PM (e6v7s)
alex, I noticed that the boots they were wearing were somewhat practical although I'd suggest that Jill Valentine's boots are a bit narrow and high-heeled for me to call them practical. Still, I think the overall effect does wonders.
Also, you'll find that my generosity is astounding when it comes to nailing mega-hot chicks. I'm a real gentleman.
Also, Sean, that store is located here:
0 Chance Street, Apartment No Fucking Way In Hell Crazy Fantasy, Your Dreams 10302.
I shop there sometimes in my sleep.
Posted by: Moron Pundit at August 21, 2008 03:01 PM (83gRI)
8I noticed that the boots they were wearing were somewhat practical.
This is true. I'll admit, I wasn't really focused on the words part of the post.
Posted by: alexthechick at August 21, 2008 04:48 PM (jCGID)
9
Oh Alex, I'm kind of in love with you right now.
I promise you more skin in the future... since I have to restrain myself most of the time.
Posted by: Moron Pundit at August 21, 2008 07:50 PM (UTfg6)
10
Hurray! More skin for meeeeeeee. And, well, everyone else, but let's admit it, I really care about me.
Posted by: alexthechick at August 21, 2008 10:03 PM (jCGID)
Frequent commenter (and BDSM freak) alexthechick asks - I have an Ask A Moron question - just when the hell am I going to get my unicorn farm?
Short answer, you have to vote for the Messiah, duh. Unicorn farms spring forth wherever he steps.
Long answer, well, the epic tale of alexthechick and her unicorn farm was told in the poem Quest for Moronia of which I provide a condensed version below*:
In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, the readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me at chaos -dot- overlord -at- gmail -dot- com.
Alice H. asks - What the fuck is wrong with you Wisconsin people?
While I am not a native, I have lived in Wisconsin long enough to become very familiar with the people of this fine state. While, for the most part I love my fellow Wisconsinites, as an outsider and constant traveller I have the ability to see all of their quirks and faults.
Before I begin bashing the people here, I'll say that they are generally good and decent people and nowhere in the union is better.
But, there is a truth about the state of Wisconsin (and to some extent, all of the northern Midwest) that could be used to explain many of the problems you see below:
Wisconsin is so fucking boring it will eventually crush your soul.
Plus you get all those North Side Chicagoans lurking around. That would make anybody want to put their head in an oven.
Posted by: eddiebear at July 15, 2008 12:14 PM (wnU1W)
5
LOL - keeping in the spirit of the "it sounds like" meme here, I'll throw this in - It sounds like Nederland without Grandpa Bredo in the Tuff Shed and the accompanying festival. You guys need a frozen dead guy to liven things up.
In case anyone is wondering, the incident that prompted this question was the failed necrophilia. And I didn't actually say "What the fuck", I said "WTF".
Posted by: Alice H at July 15, 2008 12:19 PM (jRtPb)
6
I have an Ask A Moron question - just when the hell am I going to get my unicorn farm?
Posted by: alexthechick at July 15, 2008 12:22 PM (SHHaV)
I'm not sure what's worse, Detroit or serial killers. I'd wager Detroit kills a lot more people.
She sure did say WTF. I translated for you because I'm cool like that. Also, due to the combination of drinking and weather, I think we have tons of frozen dead guys.
Oh, and alex. I'm going to answer that question in the form of a free verse epic poem/paean.
Posted by: Moron Pundit at July 15, 2008 01:13 PM (83gRI)
9
Do you have frozen dead guys, or do you have a Frozen Dead Guy? Believe it or not, there's a difference.
Posted by: Alice H at July 15, 2008 01:22 PM (jRtPb)
The esteemed Gabriel Malor asks - If you think an hour a day is the right total and your partner thinks an hour a week is the right total, how much does he need to do to avoid the charge that he hasn't done his share?
It is always a difficult situation when your partner isn't putting out enough ... effort. Often, one member of a partnership pounds and grinds and slams away for hour after hour ... umm... while the other seems to just lay there and take whatever comes their way...
Umm.. uhh... it can be a real headache... er... or that might be the excuse.
Have you tried... err..... buttering up your partner? You know, really grease the umm... uhh... wheels? I hear that makes any ... ummm... transaction less... hah.... painful and you'll feel ... hehehe... slick for having rubbed worked one out on with your partner.
Anyway, enough with the advice (I've recently been informed we only need one Dr. Phil) and onto the math (I was told there would be no math!):
You demand services at least 7 hours per week. Your partner only wants to give it to you 1 hour per week. This is a difference in ass-busting of 6 hours per week. Let's see here... carry the one... lowest common denominator... integrate the cosine...
Roofies.
Are we talking about the same thing? I feel light headed.
In order to keep Ask a Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, the readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me at chaos -dot- overlord -at- gmail -dot- com.
cochise wurlitzer asks - Are sweet rolls a food group?
Not exactly. However, HostessTM snack products are a food group that should be consumed at least 2 - 4 times per day.
I know this gets confusing so, for your convenience, I've provided this handy-dandy food pyramid to guide your Ace-o-Spade's Moron diet!
In order to keep Ask a Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, the readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me at chaos -dot- overlord -at- gmail -dot- com.
I'm not sure if those fit into the Processed Meats or Lard food group.
It is a grey area like whether the Platypus is a mammal or God's biggest fucking mistake.
Posted by: Moron Pundit at July 09, 2008 09:18 AM (83gRI)
3 Re the top of the food pyramid: It's always a good idea to weigh your date to get an estimate of the number of calories likely to be consumed. Also, if the number of calories turns out to be very high, you may need to have some extra servings from the bottom of the pyramid to carry you through.
Posted by: geoff at July 09, 2008 09:33 AM (0HBHh)
Hobos skirt the delicious lines of many food groups. Of course, they are in the alcoholic beverage category as well and may serve as an energy drink if you are a Hobo-Vampire.
As for the Flav-O-Rite/Val-U-Rite problem, it's like dyslexia but with the names of alcoholic beverages and caused by alcoholic beverages.
Posted by: Moron Pundit at July 09, 2008 12:18 PM (83gRI)
Mmmmm Tastykakes. Great, now my nutritious dinner is going to be Pringles, beef jerky and Tastykakes. Or I could be classy and stop at Wegmans for beer a delicious sammich. God, I'm so glad that Wegmans is selling beer delicious sammiches now.
Posted by: alexthechick at July 09, 2008 12:59 PM (SHHaV)
10
should a middle-aged man, back on the dating "scene" again, take his false teeth out of his shirt pocket and pop them in for that all-important first impression? or should he just order cream of wheat and the hell with it?
Posted by: hiawatha biscayne at July 09, 2008 08:06 PM (Hlrwj)
11
ps...i loved the multimedia presentation. good job! excellent baloney pic! and while i'm partial to the Little Debbie line, the ding dongs looked delectable.
Posted by: hiawatha biscayne at July 09, 2008 08:09 PM (Hlrwj)
12
Now wait a minnit dammit! Carnivorous moron here, and not happy about less-than-fair representation here!
I DEMAND a new food group include simple meats such as pork, bacon, ribs, steak, bacon, venison, rat, dog, bacon...
