June 30, 2008

Ask A Moron: I'm not a mechanic.

Nothing going on today in the news so I've dug out some old Ask A Moron questions.  Since it doesn't look like there will be much of interest on the docket today, maybe you morons could throw a few more questions into the pool.  I'm running low.

Stash asks - What does it mean when the little picture of an engine lights up on my car's dashboard?

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Everyone knows that all dashboard lights are there to provide ambiance and have no real meaning.  Why, I once drove a car for two years straight with that light on and never once had a problem.*  I say, ignore it but, if you must do something, drive faster.  If you have a manual transmission, take whatever gear you'd usually be in and go down one. 

Engines love that.

* - By "never once had a problem" I mean it ran fine so long as I placed a full quart of oil in the engine every day.  This constant use caused the terribly deformed and badly latched hood to frequently fly up while I was going faster than 60 mph.  On the plus side, I never needed to get an oil change because it didn't stay in the car long enough to get dirty, or probably even warm.

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me at chaos -dot- overlord -at - gmail -dot- com.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 09:57 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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June 26, 2008

Ask A Moron: Where To Go From Here

Hermit Dave asks - Liberals are always threatening to move outside the US should elections not go their way. I think conservatives should start doing the same thing. The problem is there are far more liberal 'safe havens' than conservative ones. To where should conservatives threaten to move?

The Supreme Court has ruled that captured terrorists have Constitutional rights and child rape is a-okay. Barack Obama is about to become president and the Democrats will control all three branches of government. It seems that the dream may be over for Type III personalities in America.

So, where do we go? Well, in order to simplify this process I have divided the nations of the world into three categories:

Oppressive: Countries in this category significantly limit the freedoms of their citizens politically, religiously or individually. The banning of firearms won't necessarily place a country in this category but will get them 90% of the way.

Socialist: Economically, this country confiscates a large portion of the working man's money to give to 'underprivilidged' people or other stupid social engineering projects. Universal Healthcare counts as a stupid social engineering project and will (almost) immediately land a country in this category.

Shithole: Countries in this category are about as appealing to live in as a Port-A-John at Summerfest. Being desperately poor, disease-ridden, crime-ridden or lacking infrastructure will land you in this category.

Now, a country doesn't have to land in just one of these categories. For example, Cuba nails the trifecta because it is an Oppressive, Socialist Shithole. Good on ya, Castros!

To make this easy I've created a handy-dandy map. In the extended entry, I've included some descriptions. Enjoy!

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Disagree with my categorizations? Let me have it in the comments!

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me at chaos -dot- overlord -at - gmail -dot- com.

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Posted by: Moron Pundit at 11:19 AM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
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June 09, 2008

Ask a Moron: Moron's Best Friend

Stash asks - What are the best and worst pets for a moron?

I'm glad you asked, Moron!

Cat - Not for Morons

I know S. Weasel is going probably going to punish me for this with a week-long Testicle-Fest but everyone knows cats are for old ladies, not Morons.

While the ability to take care of themselves melds nicely with the Moron Lifestyle™(It involves a lot of puking and waking up naked on the kitchen floor), I can't support a pet that shits in a box and is dumbfounded by shaking string.

Dog - Moron Approved

Man's best friend is a good friend to Morons. Whether it be providing hours of entertainment by chasing their tails, running full tilt into a mirrored wall, getting drunk from the beer we poured into their food bowl, or eagerly eating their own vomit, dogs are not only good pets for Morons but meet all of the basic criteria for being morons.

Donkey - Not for Morons

For the sake of the children, I must veto Morons owning donkeys in order to prevent "shows." This is not Tihuana. 'Nuff said.

Cobra - Not for Morons

While you may feel cool being the only guy on your block with a viscious killing machine for a pet, three bottles of Flavorite Vodka and you know you'll be trying to make out with it. This is, to say the least, not recommended.

Monkey - Moron Approved BEST IN SHOW

What isn't awesome about having a monkey for a pet? With a little training you can not only get it to bring you beer but you can have drinking competitions with it, teach it to ride a bike, and have poo throwing contests! Don't believe me? Check this shit out.

That's right. That's a fucking monkey riding a fucking dog. I've seen it in person and I can't even begin to describe the overwhelming glee that sight provides.

Monkeys: A Moron's Best Friend

Bathtub Full of Angry, Mutant, Psionic Armored Leeches - Not For Morons

Look, I think the mad scientist that created these things needs to die in a fire. Who the fuck thought creating six-food, armor-plated leeches was a good idea? Giving them mental powers? That's just not right.

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me at chaos -dot- overlord -at - gmail -dot- com.

 

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 10:16 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
Post contains 422 words, total size 3 kb.

June 06, 2008

Ask A Moron: Oh, for the love of God*

Old Iron asks - Where can I go to get my balls shaved professionally?


You seriously don't want to know but, unfortunately for you, the morons in the Bar Slaves Forums have helped me out with this very disturbing answer.

It turns out, there are many businesses that serve this ... er... particular need.

For example, Mary Jo's Beauty Boutique of Studio City, California offers body waxing for him and her:
Mary Jo's Beauty Boutique on Ventura Boulevard in Sherman Oaks specializes in the removal of hair for both men and women. Mary Jo, the "waxing wiz," laughingly calls her establishment the "House of Wax" and, in addition to her female patrons, caters to a very large male clientele. Mary Jo offers full body waxing services to both men and women, but notes that men request her special touch for removal of hair from ears, top of nose and backs.
She also makes use of something called a "skin vacuum" which made me stop reading. I just have no interest in knowing anything more about a skin vacuum. Ever. At all.

Anyway, there are several other places out there if you'd like to get your balls 'managed' professionally.

Exit Question: What does one tip on a full ball waxing?

* - I usually like to include a picture with posts like this but I think, just this once, you'll be glad I didn't.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 05:22 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 241 words, total size 2 kb.

June 05, 2008

Ask a Moron: Zombie Invasion - Exodus

...Previously...


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It has been several weeks since Ash saw the unfortunate gentleman in the parking lot partially devoured. Later that day, he joined his consumers in meanderingly mindless in search of food. Unfortunately for Ash and his friends, they aren't the only ones looking for food. A quick tally of the remaining rations reveals only a week is left before starvation begins. It's time to get the fuck out of dodge.

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Posted by: Moron Pundit at 06:54 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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June 03, 2008

Ask a Moron: Zombie Invasion

For those of you who weren't regular readers of Moron Pundit, I have two regular features. One, Moron of the Day, you've seen. The other you haven't which is sad because it is my favorite feature.

Ask A Moron.

Because I'm in the middle of an extended answer, I'm going to bring you all up to date by reposting the previous installments. The further installments can be accessed at the end of the post and remember: I need your moron questions to keep this a regular feature!

So, without further ado, I give you...

Ask a Moron: Zombie Invasion - The Beginning

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Posted by: Moron Pundit at 07:22 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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