April 10, 2009

Ask a Moron: Starving Zombies

Veeshir Asks -

When the zombies attack I want to know if they can starve to....uhhhh..... death(*)? So can I just stay in my house and wait until they run out of brains and all die(*)?

(*)Or whatever it's called when zombies are no longer ambulatory.

I'm glad you asked this because I believe it is an issue at the heart of how to prepare for the coming Zombie Apocalypse and it needs clarification.

Short answer: No. Kinda. "Enervate" is the appropriate term*.

Long (no, really... LONG) answer: It depends on what you mean by "zombie." As anyone that has read anything I've written about zombies knows, my definition (the true definition) of zombie is a dead human that has returned from grave through supernatural means, often a vague cause like "Hell Is Full." Unfortunately, many recent films about "zombies" have implied or explicitly stated that the cause of the outbreak is an infectious agent of some kind such as a super-virus bred by an evil corporation or released by moronic hippies at a monkey lab. This is, obviously, magnificent bullshit.

This is the source of the confusion. Infected "zombies" are, for all practical purposes, alive. They breathe, eat, shit (presumably), and otherwise follow the laws of biology and physics. This being the case, it is absolutely impossible (thermodynamics, babeee!) for them to continue to remain ambulatory without a source of energy; in this case: brains. So, were a massive infection of "zombies" to begin to spread it would logically follow that eventually they would exhaust whatever food source they had and at that time would begin to starve to death as all living things deprived of fuel would. Like an influenza outbreak, you could quarantine and wait it out.

Unfortunately for you, the coming zombie apocalypse has absolutely nothing to do with diseases or corporations**. No, G-d is going to get pissed and fucking close the doors to hell, forcing the damned souls of the recently dead to return to the rotting husks they previously called their bodies. The rage and suffering at the core of these beings, now deprived of their just punishment and the presence of a loving God will force these beings to hunger for that which allows the living to commune with their creator and enjoy the essense of his love. Their brains***.

Now, there are two things that I need to very clear. 1) Zombies do decay. Lacking the energizing effects of biology, the physical elements of their being will slowly rot.  They just do it slowly, seemingly at a random rate.  This is probably caused by the same supernatural effect that allows them super strength and biting ability.  2) Zombies do not feed for sustenance. They feed to satiate an addictive need to harm and absorb the energy of the living. It is a need originating from the combination of a craving for what they have lost with the desire to punish those that retain it.

Actually eating the brain does nothing for the zombie, not even momentarily sate the crushing addiction. But, as is the case with many addictions, the lack of enjoyment does not predicate a realization that their pursuit is pointless. Nay, it only increases the desire to chase the desired high.

So, what would happen if you tried to wait the zombies out? I hope you are in a library and haven't broken your glasses because you're going to be there for a while.  A human body can take a long time to decay under normal circumstances and the addition of supernatural resistance would only increase it. I'd estimate anywhere from several months to several years for the zombies to enervate to a point that they couldn't harm you. There soul would still be in the husk but it would lack any ability to move (barring the very frightening skeleton warrior scenario).  So, you maybe could wait them out but it wouldn't necessarily be a perfect solution as the decay rates of different zombies in different environments might extend their unlife for quite a long time.

So, um... no, they can't starve to death. Yes, you can wait them out but it would be a long wait and there is no guarantee they would all be fully enervated.

* - Of course, this only applies to true "Hell Is Full" zombies and not the pathetic Infected "zombies" we are often confronted with in many modern films.
** - But it will have something to do with hippies, which I find less than 5% variant from zombies in any outwardly discernable way.
*** - An argument that love is felt in the heart is an archaic idiocy originating long before the function of the human body was understood in any meaningful way. It is clear that the brain is the seat of all human thought and emotion and therefore the logical source of the energy craved by zombies.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 10:58 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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