August 21, 2008

Ask a Moron: Zombie Invasion - Assorted Questions

Frequent commenter (and thigh-high boot enthusiast) alexthechick asks: Okay - Here's an Ask A Moron - Zombie Edition question: Let's say that theoretically I have a choice of wearing the thigh high spike heel leather boots or the nice perfectly broken in Nike crosstrainers when fleeing the zombies. Which is a better choice? Please discuss both the fast and slow zombie variants. Also feel free to include which are more likely to result in my having assistance in fleeing said zombies.

Considering the recent trend toward the apocalypse, these zombie questions could not be more timely. Though I've given many thousands of words to zombie strategy and tactics, I must admit I have given short shrift to the topic of women's footwear. For that I offer my deepest and most sincere apology.

Tactically, it is clear that flexible, comfortable clothes combined with comfortable running shoes would give a great advantage in acceleration and maneuverability in either slow zombie or fast zombie scenarios. It would probably be more important with fast zombies as the slow (stealth zombies) are more dangerous from surprise than in a foot race. Of course, this isn't really the important part.

The question of footwear brings us into the deeper topic of what is the best attire for surviving a zombie apocalypse. My painstaking research yields just one result. The sexier you dress, the more likely you are to survive (thank god). Take, for example, Jill Valentine from Resident Evil: Apocalypse: Photobucket
Yowza! As you can see she is not wearing what one would describe as survivalist gear and her footwear leaves something to be desired in the practical department. Of course, in every other department there's little room for improvement. Again, yowza.

While more flatfooted, her partner in crime's wardrobe would be listed in the sexy rather than comfortable category.

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Yowza.

Now, if you've spent any time with the Resident Evil movies, you'll note that both of these characters survived the zombie invasion with the added benefit of looking fabulous! While you'd think that high heels and platform boots would create difficult in maneuvering, it seems spinning double backflips while shooting automatic weapons was a trivial endeavor for these ladies. Also, whenever the situation got a little out of hand, muscular men with 5-O'Clock shadow would come out of the woodwork to sacrifice themselves for the greater good. Yes, hot chicks are for the greater good.

Think about it this way. Even if humanity does survive the zombie apocalypse, there will very few of us left and conscientious men give great thought to rebuilding civilization in these times. Now, who are you going to save? The frumpy chick in the sweat pants and ratty chucks or the stunning supermodel in the platform boots and a mini skirt? I think we all know the answer. I definitely could take one for the team by repopulating the human species with Jill Valentine. Just saying.

So alex, your mission is clear. Set aside a pleather bondage outfit with spiked thighhighs, two thigh-holsters and enough cleavage to smother Hugh Heffner and keep it ready for the day hell gets full. You'll be glad you did and so will all of us.

Regular Commenter (and buttplug expert) Alice H. asks: Is Zombie Reagan valid armament?

Unfortunately for humanity, my research indicates that Zombie Reagan will actually be the leader of the zombie invasion.  All we get is Zombie Tip O'Neill.

Bar Slave (and master of disappearance) Old Iron asks: Could you possibly use glass jars full of brains as a type of distraction tactic if you get swarmed to allow you to get either to safety or a better firing position? I have no idea how you would get the raw material (a morgue, perhaps?) but I thought it could be an idea...

Of course not and I'll explain why.  The zombie's desire for brains is not based on the physical qualities of the brain.  If that were the case, you'd witness zombies eating each other's brains or the brains of corpses instead of hunting the living.  No, the actual need served by brains is to feed on the pain and vitality of the living.  A far better tactic would be to catapult orphan children as a distraction method.  Orphan children are jam packed with pain and vitality. 

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me at chaos -dot- overlord -at- gmail -dot- com.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 08:48 AM | Comments (71) | Add Comment
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August 08, 2008

Ask a Moron: Quest for Moronia

Frequent commenter (and BDSM freak) alexthechick asks - I have an Ask A Moron question - just when the hell am I going to get my unicorn farm?

Short answer, you have to vote for the Messiah, duh.  Unicorn farms spring forth wherever he steps.

Long answer, well, the epic tale of alexthechick and her unicorn farm was told in the poem Quest for Moronia of which I provide a condensed version below*:

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, the readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me at chaos -dot- overlord -at- gmail -dot- com.

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Posted by: Moron Pundit at 09:33 AM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
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July 15, 2008

Ask a Moron: Hello Wisconsin

Alice H. asks - What the fuck is wrong with you Wisconsin people?

While I am not a native, I have lived in Wisconsin long enough to become very familiar with the people of this fine state.  While, for the most part I love my fellow Wisconsinites, as an outsider and constant traveller I have the  ability to see all of their quirks and faults. 

Before I begin bashing the people here, I'll say that they are generally good and decent people and nowhere in the union is better.

But, there is a truth about the state of Wisconsin (and to some extent, all of the northern Midwest) that could be used to explain many of the problems you see below:

Wisconsin is so fucking boring it will eventually crush your soul.

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Posted by: Moron Pundit at 10:43 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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July 11, 2008

Ask A Moron: Working Your Partner

The esteemed Gabriel Malor asks - If you think an hour a day is the right total and your partner thinks an hour a week is the right total, how much does he need to do to avoid the charge that he hasn't done his share?

It is always a difficult situation when your partner isn't putting out enough ... effort. Often, one member of a partnership pounds and grinds and slams away for hour after hour ... umm... while the other seems to just lay there and take whatever comes their way...

Umm.. uhh... it can be a real headache... er... or that might be the excuse.

Have you tried... err..... buttering up your partner? You know, really grease the umm... uhh... wheels? I hear that makes any ... ummm... transaction less... hah.... painful and you'll feel ... hehehe... slick for having rubbed worked one out on with your partner.

Anyway, enough with the advice (I've recently been informed we only need one Dr. Phil) and onto the math (I was told there would be no math!):

You demand services at least 7 hours per week. Your partner only wants to give it to you 1 hour per week. This is a difference in ass-busting of 6 hours per week. Let's see here... carry the one... lowest common denominator... integrate the cosine...

Roofies.

Are we talking about the same thing?  I feel light headed.

In order to keep Ask a Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, the readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me at chaos -dot- overlord -at- gmail -dot- com.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 08:46 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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July 09, 2008

Ask a Moron: Food Groups

cochise wurlitzer asks - Are sweet rolls a food group? 

Not exactly.  However, HostessTM snack products are a food group that should be consumed at least 2 - 4 times per day. 

I know this gets confusing so, for your convenience, I've provided this handy-dandy food pyramid to guide your Ace-o-Spade's Moron diet!

 

Ace of Spade's Moron Food Pyramid

 

In order to keep Ask a Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, the readers.  Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me at chaos -dot- overlord -at- gmail -dot- com.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 09:04 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
Post contains 99 words, total size 1 kb.

June 30, 2008

Ask A Moron: I'm not a mechanic.

Nothing going on today in the news so I've dug out some old Ask A Moron questions.  Since it doesn't look like there will be much of interest on the docket today, maybe you morons could throw a few more questions into the pool.  I'm running low.

Stash asks - What does it mean when the little picture of an engine lights up on my car's dashboard?

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Everyone knows that all dashboard lights are there to provide ambiance and have no real meaning.  Why, I once drove a car for two years straight with that light on and never once had a problem.*  I say, ignore it but, if you must do something, drive faster.  If you have a manual transmission, take whatever gear you'd usually be in and go down one. 

Engines love that.

* - By "never once had a problem" I mean it ran fine so long as I placed a full quart of oil in the engine every day.  This constant use caused the terribly deformed and badly latched hood to frequently fly up while I was going faster than 60 mph.  On the plus side, I never needed to get an oil change because it didn't stay in the car long enough to get dirty, or probably even warm.

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me at chaos -dot- overlord -at - gmail -dot- com.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 09:57 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
Post contains 263 words, total size 2 kb.

June 26, 2008

Ask A Moron: Where To Go From Here

Hermit Dave asks - Liberals are always threatening to move outside the US should elections not go their way. I think conservatives should start doing the same thing. The problem is there are far more liberal 'safe havens' than conservative ones. To where should conservatives threaten to move?

The Supreme Court has ruled that captured terrorists have Constitutional rights and child rape is a-okay. Barack Obama is about to become president and the Democrats will control all three branches of government. It seems that the dream may be over for Type III personalities in America.

So, where do we go? Well, in order to simplify this process I have divided the nations of the world into three categories:

Oppressive: Countries in this category significantly limit the freedoms of their citizens politically, religiously or individually. The banning of firearms won't necessarily place a country in this category but will get them 90% of the way.

Socialist: Economically, this country confiscates a large portion of the working man's money to give to 'underprivilidged' people or other stupid social engineering projects. Universal Healthcare counts as a stupid social engineering project and will (almost) immediately land a country in this category.

Shithole: Countries in this category are about as appealing to live in as a Port-A-John at Summerfest. Being desperately poor, disease-ridden, crime-ridden or lacking infrastructure will land you in this category.

Now, a country doesn't have to land in just one of these categories. For example, Cuba nails the trifecta because it is an Oppressive, Socialist Shithole. Good on ya, Castros!

To make this easy I've created a handy-dandy map. In the extended entry, I've included some descriptions. Enjoy!

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Disagree with my categorizations? Let me have it in the comments!

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me at chaos -dot- overlord -at - gmail -dot- com.

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Posted by: Moron Pundit at 11:19 AM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
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June 09, 2008

Ask a Moron: Moron's Best Friend

Stash asks - What are the best and worst pets for a moron?

I'm glad you asked, Moron!

Cat - Not for Morons

I know S. Weasel is going probably going to punish me for this with a week-long Testicle-Fest but everyone knows cats are for old ladies, not Morons.

While the ability to take care of themselves melds nicely with the Moron Lifestyle™(It involves a lot of puking and waking up naked on the kitchen floor), I can't support a pet that shits in a box and is dumbfounded by shaking string.

Dog - Moron Approved

Man's best friend is a good friend to Morons. Whether it be providing hours of entertainment by chasing their tails, running full tilt into a mirrored wall, getting drunk from the beer we poured into their food bowl, or eagerly eating their own vomit, dogs are not only good pets for Morons but meet all of the basic criteria for being morons.

Donkey - Not for Morons

For the sake of the children, I must veto Morons owning donkeys in order to prevent "shows." This is not Tihuana. 'Nuff said.

Cobra - Not for Morons

While you may feel cool being the only guy on your block with a viscious killing machine for a pet, three bottles of Flavorite Vodka and you know you'll be trying to make out with it. This is, to say the least, not recommended.

Monkey - Moron Approved BEST IN SHOW

What isn't awesome about having a monkey for a pet? With a little training you can not only get it to bring you beer but you can have drinking competitions with it, teach it to ride a bike, and have poo throwing contests! Don't believe me? Check this shit out.

That's right. That's a fucking monkey riding a fucking dog. I've seen it in person and I can't even begin to describe the overwhelming glee that sight provides.

Monkeys: A Moron's Best Friend

Bathtub Full of Angry, Mutant, Psionic Armored Leeches - Not For Morons

Look, I think the mad scientist that created these things needs to die in a fire. Who the fuck thought creating six-food, armor-plated leeches was a good idea? Giving them mental powers? That's just not right.

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me at chaos -dot- overlord -at - gmail -dot- com.

 

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 10:16 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
Post contains 422 words, total size 3 kb.

June 06, 2008

Ask A Moron: Oh, for the love of God*

Old Iron asks - Where can I go to get my balls shaved professionally?


You seriously don't want to know but, unfortunately for you, the morons in the Bar Slaves Forums have helped me out with this very disturbing answer.

It turns out, there are many businesses that serve this ... er... particular need.

For example, Mary Jo's Beauty Boutique of Studio City, California offers body waxing for him and her:
Mary Jo's Beauty Boutique on Ventura Boulevard in Sherman Oaks specializes in the removal of hair for both men and women. Mary Jo, the "waxing wiz," laughingly calls her establishment the "House of Wax" and, in addition to her female patrons, caters to a very large male clientele. Mary Jo offers full body waxing services to both men and women, but notes that men request her special touch for removal of hair from ears, top of nose and backs.
She also makes use of something called a "skin vacuum" which made me stop reading. I just have no interest in knowing anything more about a skin vacuum. Ever. At all.

Anyway, there are several other places out there if you'd like to get your balls 'managed' professionally.

Exit Question: What does one tip on a full ball waxing?

* - I usually like to include a picture with posts like this but I think, just this once, you'll be glad I didn't.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 05:22 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 241 words, total size 2 kb.

June 05, 2008

Ask a Moron: Zombie Invasion - Exodus

...Previously...


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It has been several weeks since Ash saw the unfortunate gentleman in the parking lot partially devoured. Later that day, he joined his consumers in meanderingly mindless in search of food. Unfortunately for Ash and his friends, they aren't the only ones looking for food. A quick tally of the remaining rations reveals only a week is left before starvation begins. It's time to get the fuck out of dodge.

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Posted by: Moron Pundit at 06:54 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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June 03, 2008

Ask a Moron: Zombie Invasion

For those of you who weren't regular readers of Moron Pundit, I have two regular features. One, Moron of the Day, you've seen. The other you haven't which is sad because it is my favorite feature.

Ask A Moron.

Because I'm in the middle of an extended answer, I'm going to bring you all up to date by reposting the previous installments. The further installments can be accessed at the end of the post and remember: I need your moron questions to keep this a regular feature!

So, without further ado, I give you...

Ask a Moron: Zombie Invasion - The Beginning

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Posted by: Moron Pundit at 07:22 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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