June 30, 2008

Gas prices rise, hoes and pimps hardest hit

It seems that with the price of fuel going up, truckers, who make up a big chunk of Nevada's legal brothels' clientele, have less disposable income to spend on the old slap and tickle:

Nevada brothels that cater to long-haul truckers are offering gas cards and other promotions after seeing business decline as much as 25 percent from a year ago, industry officials said.

Geoffrey Arnold, president of the Nevada Brothel Owners' Association, said truckers account for up to 75 percent of business at the state's rural brothels along Interstate 80 and U.S. Highway 95.
They actually have a Brothel Owners' Association? Huh. They must have interesting conventions.
He said business is down about 19 percent at his two northern Nevada brothels along I-80: Donna's Ranch in Wells and Donna's Battle Mountain Ranch.

"We're being affected by the economy like everybody else," Arnold said. "Times are tougher ... and truckers have less money to spend. They're not high-rollers anymore."
Well, that's a shame.  Especially if you're a prostitute, a brothel owner, or a trucker who enjoys the company of professional skanks.  But it turns out things aren't actually bad all over.
Of Nevada's 28 legal brothels, 16 are located in rural areas that are being hurt by truckers' higher diesel costs, Arnold said. Whorehouses closer to Reno and Las Vegas, which rely more on tourists and conventioneers, say business is up this year.
Well, good for them.  I guess.

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Headline of the day

Naked Women's Wrestling League bests Carmen Electra in court ruling

Yes, really.

(Via Fark.)

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Scandi For Life: Real Men Row Home

Photobucket
I know I'm violating the Ace of Spades Lifestyle Terms of Service but I'm a proud, full-blooded Puffin-Humper. Before you commence mockery, consider the following situation. You're in a foreign country, trashed off your ass and 78 years old.

Do you:

A) Find a hotel.
B) Go to the airport and catch a flight.
C) Get in a boat and fucking row home.

Scandis know the answer:
A drunken 78-year-old Swede stole a dinghy after a night out in the Danish town of Helsingor and tried to row back to Sweden, but fell asleep halfway, Danish police said on Monday.

When the man discovered he lacked the necessary funds to pay for the ferry from Helsingor to Helsingborg in Sweden on Saturday, he decided to row the five km (three miles) across the strait of Oresund that separates the two.

He quickly grew tired and, trusting fortune and the currents to see him safely home, took a snooze at the bottom of the boat, where Danish police later found him out at sea, still asleep.
Yeah, he didn't make it but he has the mind of a mad viking!  That adventurous spirit is why we dominated you grass-loving shirt-lifters for centuries.

Update:  It is important to note that he didn't have the necessary funds because he spent it all on booze.  Epic.

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Mockery Now Impossible - Bloggers, Radio Hosts Hardest Hit

I don't think I could have invented a story more absurd.

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DNC Issues "Most Wanted" list

I posted this with pictures over at my place.  I'd have posted it here, but you have to use photobucket, and I'm afraid of breaking the Internets or something.  Plus, all my outside-of-blogging photo gathering consists of searching for naked pictures of Vicki Lawrence.

So here's a posting on the DNC's "Enemies" list.

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Media Declares Planck's Constant is 4

Respect America's Traditional Media Organizations, a trade group promoting journalism in both print and television, made the stunning declaration today that the value of Planck's Constant, a fundamental part of quantum physics, was 4.

 

"Under media aegis presidential elections are decided, world opinion is shaped, and celebrities are declared hot or not," said spokeswoman Mina Dirac.  "Why should we allow physicists to continue to direct their so-called constant, when we can do it better?"

 

She cited the media's track record of achievement in prognostication.  "Who knew the democratic nominee almost from the start of the race in 2007?  We did.  Who knew the winner of the 2004 election after 10% of the votes were tallied?  We did.  Who cut through government misinformation to broadcast live, real-time updates the horrors of Hurricane Katrina, which cost tens of thousands of lives?  That's right: we did.

 

"Which organization has seen the budding depression in the US economy despite economic indicators pointing towards growth and a misleadingly buoyant private sector?  We have.  So now we're turning our attention to physics.

 

In addition to Planck's constant being fixed at 4, ROTMO also revealed that the relativity equation is now best expressed as

 

Truth = SpokenPower x Traditional Media

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The Obamessiah: "That is not the Facebook page I knew."

Gen. Wesley Clark, passive aggressive Facebook status changer, is probably not sorry for denigrating Sen. McCain's military service.

(h/t)

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Utter Failure declares GOP won't regain majority in Senate

You think?  I was thinking we'd be lucky to keep the Dems from taking the full majority at the current rate.

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(Retarded) Quote of the Day

You can't make this shit up:

"It would be wicked to give it zero because it does show some very basic skills we are looking for, like conveying some meaning and some spelling," Buckroyd was quoted as saying.

"It's better than someone that doesn't write anything at all."

I guess the world will just have to deal with Mediocre Britain from now on.

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I guess Obama was right

Women do only get 77¢ to a man's $1, in his campaign, anyway.

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Experience counts

http://i305.photobucket.com/albums/nn209/doubleplusundeadnu/motivator9420411.jpg

(h/t)

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Dicks says no to ass crack

Really?  You're going to focus police resources in friggin' Flint, Michigan on people with saggy pants?

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Helpful Tips for the Media

News: "But some critics fear the Large Hadron Collider could exceed physicists' wildest conjectures: Will it spawn a black hole that could swallow Earth?

Or spit out particles that could turn the planet into a hot dead clump?

Yes."

Not News:  Ridiculous, say scientists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research, known by its French initials CERN -- some of whom have been working for a generation on the $5.8 billion collider, or LHC.

"Obviously, the world will not end when the LHC switches on," said project leader Lyn Evans.

This has been a public service to the Mainstream Media.  Let it never be said that I don't take pity on the IQ-lowering effects of J-School.

 

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Moron of the Day: Burning Man

Remember that part in 40 Year Old Virgin where they kept saying "You know how I know you're gay?"

Well, I've got one. You know how I know this guy is retarded? He's a performance artist*:

A San Francisco performance artist was sentenced Friday to as many as four years in prison and ordered to pay restitution for the early torching last summer of the signature effigy of the counterculture Burning Man festival.

Paul Addis pleaded guilty in May to one felony count of injury to property stemming from the burning of the 40-foot icon on Aug. 28 — four days earlier than planned. He was ordered to pay $30,000 in restitution.

That is just too fucking awesome. A counterculture festival pressing charges against a guy for burning their giant anarchist effigy too early. Once again, the rebels have turned into the man, keeping honest, hard-working** performance artists down.

* - Seriously, can't we just be honest and use the term "unemployed, homeless person" instead of performance artists? Euphamisms are beneath us.

** - While I have no doubt that peeing in alleys, sleeping under newspapers and painting your face like a luchador is 'hard work,' I'm not going to give him too much credit on the honesty because the mentally challenged are typically fonts of truth and whatever the opposite of subtlety is.

As is my wont, Douchey McShitstain meets his 'maker' in the extended entry.

more...

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Ask A Moron: I'm not a mechanic.

Nothing going on today in the news so I've dug out some old Ask A Moron questions.  Since it doesn't look like there will be much of interest on the docket today, maybe you morons could throw a few more questions into the pool.  I'm running low.

Stash asks - What does it mean when the little picture of an engine lights up on my car's dashboard?

Photobucket

Everyone knows that all dashboard lights are there to provide ambiance and have no real meaning.  Why, I once drove a car for two years straight with that light on and never once had a problem.*  I say, ignore it but, if you must do something, drive faster.  If you have a manual transmission, take whatever gear you'd usually be in and go down one. 

Engines love that.

* - By "never once had a problem" I mean it ran fine so long as I placed a full quart of oil in the engine every day.  This constant use caused the terribly deformed and badly latched hood to frequently fly up while I was going faster than 60 mph.  On the plus side, I never needed to get an oil change because it didn't stay in the car long enough to get dirty, or probably even warm.

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me at chaos -dot- overlord -at - gmail -dot- com.

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http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x73/doubleplusundeadmeenu/banner2-1.jpg

Moronosphere Free Radio coming along, if you're interested in doing a podcast or show, drop a comment at KURU Lounge.

Heh.

Jewish tartan.

Not good.

The closest to a good tuxedo mankind will ever achieve.

McCain's incompetence.

Rage Boy sighting!


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Don't forget...

...to drop by Conservative Grapevine this week to see what kind of stupid crap I post over there.  What was Hawkins thinking?

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There's a metaphor in here somewhere

Remember Rep. Vito Fossella?  He's the Republican Congressman form Staten Island who declined to seek re-election in 2008...after it was discovered that the woman who bailed him out after he got arrested for drunk driving was also his mistress.  A mistress with whom he had fathered a child. 

Anyway, the GOP found someone to run for his seat.  There's only one problem.  He's dead:

Speaking Friday at Frank Powers' funeral, Fossella said his potential successor had given him words of encouragement, telling him, "Everything will be OK."

The 67-year-old Powers died June 22, three weeks after the Republican Party endorsed him for Fossella's seat.
Karol needs to do us all a favor and move to Staten Island and run.

Posted by: It's Vintage, Duh at 01:57 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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June 29, 2008

Somebody Do Something!*

Robert "What Opposition?" Mugabe has sworn himself in for another term after beating, murdering and otherwise intimidating his victorious opponents into silence.

As usual, the only solution that might save the thousands that will suffer is the only one not mentioned.  Fuck pacifists.

* - Something does not include military action, strong sanctions, frowning or otherwise being mean to poor, poor Mugabe and his junta.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 07:54 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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It's getting harder and harder to tell...

...if things like this are meant to be sincere or jokes:



Given the photoshop of Barry as Jesus and the title of the vid ("Messiah '08"), I'm leaning toward the latter, but still, I'm sure there are plenty of others that are sincere devotionals to our secular savior.  Like this one, for instance.

(Via a comment at Moron Central.)

Posted by: Sean M. at 06:14 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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