White House Strategy Transcript

Obama:  Report?
 
Markos:  The rumors are true, my dark master.  That scum Brietbart has turned his attention to the NEA.
 
Obama:  Damn!  Will this endanger our plan to convince performance artists to begin producing propaganda to sway guilt-riddled, over-educated, upper-class, white yuppie voters to our cause?
 
Holder:  I'm afraid it will, master.
 
Obama:  But…how?  Kos, I thought you controlled the Internet!
 
Markos:  I do, master!  But there are certain unsavory corners where right-wing extremists gather and won't listen to reason!  Places like the Wall Street Journal!
 
Obama:  It's not like anyone broke any laws!
 
Holder:  Actually, they broke several laws, as well as crossing several non-legal lines and violating some rather forceful taboos.
 
Obama:  I'm a transformational figure, dammit!  Just change the laws!  Forget the taboos!  Turn those machines back on!  Turn those machines back on!
 
Holder:  Changing laws is not my job, master.  It's Darth Pelosi's job.
 
Pelosi:  Now wait just a minute!  It's not my job to change laws!  It's Darth Reid's job to change laws!
 
Reid:  You lie!
 
Obama:  How dare you repeat that horrible phrase!
 
(Lightning shoots from his cigarette, causing Darth Reid to grimace in pain, or at least bad flatulence)
 
Obama:  Biden, have Czar Van Jones deploy his storm troopers!  We'll shut down this Breitbart by force!
 
Biden:  Master, Czar Jones isn't here.  He was revealed as a truther, resigned in disgrace, and has joined a cult headed by Charlie Sheen splitting atoms with his mind.
 
Obama:  Oh.  Well, contact my allies in ACORN and tell them to turn out in full force and-
 
Biden:  Master, ACORN has been neutralized after getting caught in a child pornography sting in a few offices.
 
Obama:  How many offices?
 
Biden:  Six, in major cities on both coasts.
 
Obama:  Shit.  I told them that would end up being bad for business.  Well, call up the Blue Dog coalition and-
 
Pelosi:  They kind of, uh, told me to fuck off because they don't want to get tarred and feathered by their constituents.
 
Obama:  Shit!  I knew they couldn't be trusted.  Damn weathervanes.  Okay, somebody get Tom Daschle on the phone and-
 
Reid:  He's kind of laying low after it came out that he's not been paying taxes for many years.
 
Darth Geithner:  He didn't do what with his who now?
 
Obama:  Shit!  Chris Dodd?  Charlie Rangel?  Beuller?
 
Biden:  All in hiding, my dark master, and embattled and hoping to keep their seats.  Which reminds me, we got a thank-you card from Arlen Specter.
 
Obama:  Fucking hypocritical moron.  He'll be gone next election for sure.  How is it possible that all my Capos have been taken out by the demoralized and incompetent Republicans?
 
Markos:  You see, master, it is because they control all the media.
 
Obama:  Yes, I see.  How are our efforts to destroy Glenn Beck?
 
Markos:  His ratings continue to climb.
 
Obama:  Rush Limbaugh?
 
Markos:  Also.
 
Obama:  Is there anybody in decline?
 
Markos:  Um, noted right-winger Keith Olbermann and GOP hack Jon Stewart are both slumping.
 
Obama:  Good.  They're both douchebags.  Now, I want to even the score up.  Let's do some damage to those bastards!  How many Republican scalps have we taken so far?  Have we finished destroying Joe Wilson yet?
 
Biden:  Not exactly.  He got a lot of donations and his seat is pretty safe.
 
Obama:  Dammit!  Can't you fucktards do anything right?  I swear, it's like a fucking special Olympics cabinet in here!
 
(Silence)
 
Markos:  We got Scooter Libby, sir!
 
Pelosi and Reid:  Yeah!
(High fives all around)
 
Obama:  Morons!  You think a guy with a doofy nickname is a fair trade off for all the people we've lost?  That's it.  It's time to call out the heavy artillery.
 
Biden:  I think she's still meeting with the crown prince of Djibouti or some damn thing, master.
 
Obama:  No, I mean it's time to unleash someone who can really take down these right-wing wackos that plague us.  Who do we have in reserve, Kos?
 
Markos:  The only person we've got left is Jimmy Carter, sir.
 
Obama:  What the fuck?  Oh, please God, tell me you're kidding.
 
Markos:  But I assure you he's had his medicine and he promises not to blame a shadowy conspiracy of Jews for all the world's problems.
 
Biden:  Don't forget, we've got that other guy, the one that worked with Carter.  Ziboogly?  Zergedly?  Zarathustra?  I don't remember what the hell his name was, but he can sure talk a blue streak.
 
Obama:  Really?
 
Biden:  I dunno, but his name starts with like fifteen consonants and a Z, so he must be a foreign policy expert.
 
Obama:  We are so screwed…
 
Biden:  Then there's only one thing left to do, master.
 
Obama:  What?  I've given hours of speeches, and appeared on every show that I can find, and still I can't bend the recalcitrant American people to my will!
 
Biden:  One word:  Reality Show.
 
Markos:  I like it!  We could call it "Hangin' wit the Prez!"  The White House reality show!
 
Pelosi:  You are under-exposed, master.
 
Reid:  And people do love that reality television, with the big-breasted women and the catfights and all.
 
Obama:  Reality show, eh?  Would I be the focal point of this show?
 
Biden:  Yes, certainly.  We could force every major network to carry it in prime time, too, every night of the week.  Except Fox, but they're nothing to worry about.
 
Obama:  Make it so!  MWUHAHAHA!

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