September 23, 2009

White House Strategy Transcript

Deep inside the White House, in a bunker that hasn't been used since the Johnson administration, Barack Obama and his most trusted aids are gathering together to guide their sinister plan for World domination!
Read on...if you dare!
Obama:  Report?
Markos:  The rumors are true, my dark master.  That scum Brietbart has turned his attention to the NEA.
Obama:  Damn!  Will this endanger our plan to convince performance artists to begin producing propaganda to sway guilt-riddled, over-educated, upper-class, white yuppie voters to our cause?
Holder:  I'm afraid it will, master.
Obama:  But…how?  Kos, I thought you controlled the Internet!
Markos:  I do, master!  But there are certain unsavory corners where right-wing extremists gather and won't listen to reason!  Places like the Wall Street Journal!
Obama:  It's not like anyone broke any laws!
Holder:  Actually, they broke several laws, as well as crossing several non-legal lines and violating some rather forceful taboos.
Obama:  I'm a transformational figure, dammit!  Just change the laws!  Forget the taboos!  Turn those machines back on!  Turn those machines back on!
Holder:  Changing laws is not my job, master.  It's Darth Pelosi's job.
Pelosi:  Now wait just a minute!  It's not my job to change laws!  It's Darth Reid's job to change laws!
Reid:  You lie!
Obama:  How dare you repeat that horrible phrase!
(Lightning shoots from his cigarette, causing Darth Reid to grimace in pain, or at least bad flatulence)
Obama:  Biden, have Czar Van Jones deploy his storm troopers!  We'll shut down this Breitbart by force!
Biden:  Master, Czar Jones isn't here.  He was revealed as a truther, resigned in disgrace, and has joined a cult headed by Charlie Sheen splitting atoms with his mind.
Obama:  Oh.  Well, contact my allies in ACORN and tell them to turn out in full force and-
Biden:  Master, ACORN has been neutralized after getting caught in a child pornography sting in a few offices.
Obama:  How many offices?
Biden:  Six, in major cities on both coasts.
Obama:  Shit.  I told them that would end up being bad for business.  Well, call up the Blue Dog coalition and-
Pelosi:  They kind of, uh, told me to fuck off because they don't want to get tarred and feathered by their constituents.
Obama:  Shit!  I knew they couldn't be trusted.  Damn weathervanes.  Okay, somebody get Tom Daschle on the phone and-
Reid:  He's kind of laying low after it came out that he's not been paying taxes for many years.
Darth Geithner:  He didn't do what with his who now?
Obama:  Shit!  Chris Dodd?  Charlie Rangel?  Beuller?
Biden:  All in hiding, my dark master, and embattled and hoping to keep their seats.  Which reminds me, we got a thank-you card from Arlen Specter.
Obama:  Fucking hypocritical moron.  He'll be gone next election for sure.  How is it possible that all my Capos have been taken out by the demoralized and incompetent Republicans?
Markos:  You see, master, it is because they control all the media.
Obama:  Yes, I see.  How are our efforts to destroy Glenn Beck?
Markos:  His ratings continue to climb.
Obama:  Rush Limbaugh?
Markos:  Also.
Obama:  Is there anybody in decline?
Markos:  Um, noted right-winger Keith Olbermann and GOP hack Jon Stewart are both slumping.
Obama:  Good.  They're both douchebags.  Now, I want to even the score up.  Let's do some damage to those bastards!  How many Republican scalps have we taken so far?  Have we finished destroying Joe Wilson yet?
Biden:  Not exactly.  He got a lot of donations and his seat is pretty safe.
Obama:  Dammit!  Can't you fucktards do anything right?  I swear, it's like a fucking special Olympics cabinet in here!
Markos:  We got Scooter Libby, sir!
Pelosi and Reid:  Yeah!
(High fives all around)
Obama:  Morons!  You think a guy with a doofy nickname is a fair trade off for all the people we've lost?  That's it.  It's time to call out the heavy artillery.
Biden:  I think she's still meeting with the crown prince of Djibouti or some damn thing, master.
Obama:  No, I mean it's time to unleash someone who can really take down these right-wing wackos that plague us.  Who do we have in reserve, Kos?
Markos:  The only person we've got left is Jimmy Carter, sir.
Obama:  What the fuck?  Oh, please God, tell me you're kidding.
Markos:  But I assure you he's had his medicine and he promises not to blame a shadowy conspiracy of Jews for all the world's problems.
Biden:  Don't forget, we've got that other guy, the one that worked with Carter.  Ziboogly?  Zergedly?  Zarathustra?  I don't remember what the hell his name was, but he can sure talk a blue streak.
Obama:  Really?
Biden:  I dunno, but his name starts with like fifteen consonants and a Z, so he must be a foreign policy expert.
Obama:  We are so screwed…
Biden:  Then there's only one thing left to do, master.
Obama:  What?  I've given hours of speeches, and appeared on every show that I can find, and still I can't bend the recalcitrant American people to my will!
Biden:  One word:  Reality Show.
Markos:  I like it!  We could call it "Hangin' wit the Prez!"  The White House reality show!
Pelosi:  You are under-exposed, master.
Reid:  And people do love that reality television, with the big-breasted women and the catfights and all.
Obama:  Reality show, eh?  Would I be the focal point of this show?
Biden:  Yes, certainly.  We could force every major network to carry it in prime time, too, every night of the week.  Except Fox, but they're nothing to worry about.
Obama:  Make it so!  MWUHAHAHA!

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