October 30, 2008
Tripe, Leather Pants, and Me
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I received another begging e-mail from the Psychology dorks today, once again pleading with me to post to their survey. Once again, I will not, despite the kindly-worded note from Benjamin. Mostly it's because last time the note was addressed to "Editor of Daily Dollop." This time?
It was addressed simply "Plebian." Since when were we on a first-name basis?
So instead of that, I give you this: a rant against leather pants. That's right, I don't care who's toes I step on.
I feel very strongly that wearing leather pants is a moral issue, and that the practice should not only be frowned upon but should be made illegal.
I'm not speaking of the moral implications of using cowhide to make leather. Cows are both stupid and tasty, so I don't have any problem turning their hide into a wide variety of useful products, from thigh-high dominatrix boots to sexy bustiers.
But leather pants is just one step too far.
When you wear leather pants, you're making one of the following statements:
1) "I wanted to wear something which not only made my ass look bigger, but makes it look as if it's trying to escape." Leather pants do not flatter your figure, people. Oh, perhaps one in a thousand people can wear them, but nobody else can. But one in a thousand people can pick their nose with their feet, too, and I don't see anybody pretending that's acceptable.
2) "I'm too chickenshit to wear a short skirt like the rest of the tramps, but still just as much of a skank." I fully support a woman's right to decide to be a skank, but let's stop fooling ourselves that leather pants are some kind of acceptable way to tart yourself up. Just go for the too-short skirt and the fishnet stockings and stop pretending.
3) "I love the squeaking that my thighs make when I walk!" Because nothing says "hot" like audible reminders of balloon sex.
4) "I am a man with poor fashion sense." If you're a man, and you simply must wear leather on your legs, for heaven's sakes, wear chaps. They're fun, they're classic, and they're unique.
I'm not speaking of the moral implications of using cowhide to make leather. Cows are both stupid and tasty, so I don't have any problem turning their hide into a wide variety of useful products, from thigh-high dominatrix boots to sexy bustiers.
But leather pants is just one step too far.
When you wear leather pants, you're making one of the following statements:
1) "I wanted to wear something which not only made my ass look bigger, but makes it look as if it's trying to escape." Leather pants do not flatter your figure, people. Oh, perhaps one in a thousand people can wear them, but nobody else can. But one in a thousand people can pick their nose with their feet, too, and I don't see anybody pretending that's acceptable.
2) "I'm too chickenshit to wear a short skirt like the rest of the tramps, but still just as much of a skank." I fully support a woman's right to decide to be a skank, but let's stop fooling ourselves that leather pants are some kind of acceptable way to tart yourself up. Just go for the too-short skirt and the fishnet stockings and stop pretending.
3) "I love the squeaking that my thighs make when I walk!" Because nothing says "hot" like audible reminders of balloon sex.
4) "I am a man with poor fashion sense." If you're a man, and you simply must wear leather on your legs, for heaven's sakes, wear chaps. They're fun, they're classic, and they're unique.
Plus, you'll like a member of the Village People, and women dig that.
Posted by: plebian at
05:48 PM
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