July 31, 2009
Thanks to my inside sources at the White House*, I was able to receive a transcript of the Beer Summit that took place yesterday between President Barack Obama, VP Joe Biden, scholar Henry Louis Gates, and police officer James Crowley. Here's how it all went down:
* = which is to say, I'm pretty sure this is what they probably said.
OBAMA: Hi, guys, thanks for coming to meet me. Let's all have a seat, grab a beer, and talk this over like rational, civilized adults.
CROWLEY: Sure. Thanks for inviting me.
GATES: Thank you, brother. I will enthusiastically declinate myself into a sitting apparatus, since my back is stooped from the white man's oppression.
OBAMA: Well said, sir. Well said.
BIDEN: I guess I'm the thorn at this party! Get it? Thorn? In the Rose Garden? Come on, that's funny!
WAITER: What would you like to drink, sirs?
OBAMA: I'll take a Bud Light.
CROWLEY: I'll take a Blue Moon.
GATES: I'll take Carlsberg's Vintage #2, not the 1962 vintage, but rather the 1963, as it has a more delicate vanilla pastiche to it, and its tint is far more pleasing to the eye.
WAITER: Um, I don't think we have that.
GATES: Then I'll take a snifter of Sam Adamas Utopias, please, only make sure that it is well chilled so that I can enjoy the aromatic bouquet.
WAITER: I'm sorry, sir, Ted Kennedy had our last bottle of that on his corn flakes this morning.
GATES: What kind of establishment are you running here, Barry?
OBAMA: I'm so sorry, Skip. Do we have any beers worth drinking?
WAITER: I could bring him a Bud Light too, Mr. President.
OBAMA: Don't be stupid, you quivering idiot. This man has a refined palate! Skip, will you settle for a Red Stripe?
GATES: Better red than dead, huh? (laughter) Okay, Barry, just this once I'll take a Red Stripe.
WAITER: And for you, Mr. Vice President?
BIDEN: I'd like a glass of onion juice. But make it shaken and not stirred.
WAITER: Ohhh-kay. I'll be right back.
OBAMA: Listen, officer Crowley, I want to put you at ease right away-
GATES: Then you might want to bring in some banjo-playing rednecks and a few bosomy cousins for him to ogle.
OBAMA: I'm not trying to assign any blame or force anyone to do anything. But what we want to do is to help to calm this situation down a little bit and refocus the nation on important matters, like securing my legacy as the greatest president in history.
CROWLEY: I understand that, sir, and I appreciate it.
GATES: The best way to calm this down is for you to get down on your knees, apologize, and come to grips with the fact that I'm a highly-educated scholar who's tight with the president and you're just some redneck cop. Can I get a boo-yeah?
GATES: Do you understand now?
CROWLEY: With all due respect, I'm an officer of the civil authorities charged with keeping the peace and upholding the law. All I want is to be able to go about my business with a minimum of abuse and threats.
GATES: I never threatened you, you jive-talking honkey!
OBAMA: I think what Skip means is that your pettiness and foolishness has endangered my presidency and put my health-care plan in jeopardy. Don't you want to ensure that we can have health care for those most vulnerable in our society?
BIDEN: Did you know urine is sterile? That's why I drink three quarts of it a day.
CROWLEY: I'm not apologizing for anything, Mr. President. It's incumbent on everyone to cooperate with police officers in their investigations, and it's even more important that high-profile members of society do so in order to set a good example.
GATES: Don't you understand? I'm an elite! There are special rules for us! We get to do what we want! I can have you crushed under my heel any time that I please! Your existence is contingent upon our sufferance, not the other way around!
BIDEN: The only problem is I can't pee three quarts a day, so I have to buy some of it on the open market.
OBAMA: Now, Jimmy. I can call you Jimmy, can't I?
OBAMA: Jimmy, don't be unreasonable. Consider our shared Irish heritage and do the right thing. Just apologize for being racist and we'll let bygones be bygones.
GATES: After you're fired and you attend 100 hours of African-American studies under my strict tutelage.
BIDEN: And you wouldn't believe how gross the open-air urine market is.
CROWLEY: I'm not a racist!
GATES: You're white. Ergo, you're racist. You can't help it. It's in your genes.
CROWLEY: If it's in the genes, and the president's half-white, then he's half-racist?
GATES: It's not mathematics! It's science! You wouldn't understand!
OBAMA: Jimmy, see reason! You're ruining my presidency! I need this apology! If I can't make you kowtow, what hope do I have with the Iranians?
CROWLEY: No apology.
GATES: See? I told you not to negotiate with hostile regimes. You should have just nuked him when you had the chance.
OBAMA: Okay, Jimmy. But remember that you asked for the living hell that your life is about to become. I'm going to make you wish that you were a simple plumber or beauty pageant contestant. Joseph, unleash the dogs of war!
BIDEN: You mean Perez Hilton?
OBAMA: No, use our propaganda machine to destroy this man. Joe, call MSNBC.
BIDEN: Yes, my dark master! Jimmy, prepare to be ravaged by the fifth-rated news program in the country!
OBAMA, GATES, and BIDEN: Mwu-hahahahaha!
CROWLEY: Can I go now?
OBAMA: Not yet. You have to pay for your beer. Put your wallet away, Skip: Joe's picking up our tab.
BIDEN: Do you think they have change for a fifteen dollar bill? I bought six billion dollar's worth of them with stimulus money.
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