October 29, 2009

Top Ten Hoffman Campaign Promises

So everybody knows about Doug Hoffman (Actual R-NY), who is running against Dede Scofflawza (RINO-NY) for the open Congressional seat there.  
 
And everybody knows he's been endorsed by the cream of the conservative crop, from Sarah Palin to Fred Thompson to King Leonidas of Sparta, with his famous cry of "This!  Is!  Hoffman!"
 
But what a lot of people don't know is that Doug Hoffman, in addition to being a real man and a real Republican, has made ten campaign promises that will forever alter the face of the United States.  As usual, though, I'm on the case with the straight scoop.  Here they are:
 
10)  On his first day in Congress he'll rip Waxman-Markey in half with his bare hands.  Not the bill, the actual moron congressmen.  But don't worry, they won't be harmed at all: they have no spines.
 
9)  He will replace the normal Congressional role-call with that guy who does the Tyson fights saying "Let's get ready to rumble!"
 
8 )  Despite his new job in Congress, he will defend his UFC championship belt.
 
7)  Will create an American parallel to the Nobel Peace Prize, the Hoffman Hippy-Punching Prize. 
 
6)  He'll fix government spending.  And not in the mechanic way, but more the way a veterinarian would.
 
5)  Not only will he make sure that no American gets left behind, he'll keep his hands off of the intern's behinds, too.
 
4)  Uwe Boll, Roland Emmerich, and Michael Bay will all be immediately deported to Guantanamo.
 
3)  Roland Polanski will wish he was so lucky.
 
2)  All funding that is being used to fight manbearpig will be freed up in the US budget, because Hoffman will track, kill, clean, and mount the thing himself…with a spork.
 
1)  He'll never "compromise" by letting the Democrats have everything they want plus bipartisan cover, too.

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