Iowahawk is Da Man. When he writes as someone else, he's always pitch perfect. Fear and Loathing in the Mystery Machine was his previous masterpiece, this one is nearly as good.

I can totally see Caesar talking like that, he wasn't no homorator like Cicero, he came, he saw he conquered and didn't take no backtalk from nobody.

I read about this choad praetor Rocco Landesman, saying that your new imperator Obamacus is "the most powerful writer since Julius Caesar" At first I was LMFAO because, let's face it, the Juice didn't waste his prime warror time word processing a bunch of papyrus scrolls. Word cuz, where I come from that kind of bullshit is for light-in-the-sandals scribefags like Livy and Plutarch. So I guess it was like hearing "Obama is the greatest chariot mechanic since Julius Erving." But then I think about it, and I'm like, WTF? Obama's palace asslick is comparing him to me? Srsly?
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I mean, shit son, let's look at foreign policy. Back when the Juice was doin' his thang, them gutta thugs up in Gaul and Iberia knew better than disrespect Rome. 'Cause they knew the Juice had him a strong pimp hand, and he was liable to dial up his legions to go pop a pilium in their ass. This Obamacus clown? No time to talk to his own centurion general, that fool too busy ridin' his chariot all over Europa oratin' laments about his own damn empire. Sorry this, sorry that, open hand, please accept this reset button. Yeah, like that kind of bullshit is gonna calm those Parthians and Vandals and Barbarians the fuck down. And what exactly does he get for it? A couple 10 denarius "peace" medallions from the Goths and Gauls. Back in the day those Gauls had some straightup warrior badasses like Vercingetorix and Ambiorix, but apparently somewhere over the last 2000 years they turned into the biggest bunch of Eurohomos since the Athenians.

Iowahawk, the greatest channeler since Shirley MaClaine.

Posted by: Veeshir at 08:13 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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