April 29, 2009

Kathleen Parker And The Rest Of The RINOs Must Be In Competition For The Stupidest Article Praising Obama

I mean, this is worse than a 13 year old girl's diary crush on the cute boy in school. I can just imagine her with newspaper cutouts of The Messiah on her Trapper Keeper, writing "Mrs. Obama" over and over on a sheet of paper.

As a recovering obsessive-compulsive {and the literary equal of a Tiger Beat reader}, the past 100 days have been a torture of quantification {wait! I thought torture was no longer allowed!}. How’s he doing SO far? Is he the change we’ve been waiting for? Is Barack Obama really a centrist, as so many (including I) had hoped? Or is he one of them dadgum fascist-Marxist-commie-Moozlems?!{define centrist}

Obama is who he said he is—a pragmatist. It just so happens that pragmatism under present circumstances demands/justifies/warrants what are rather socialist solutions {so that's centrism?}. The President is in the unique position of being able to say with face straight and heart true: I’m not a lefty ideologue. It’s just that Republican leadership has left us in the sort of economic free-fall that only Big Government can rescue {No. I just used a crisis to my advantage}.

Thus, the first 100 days have been brisk, if entirely too long {you can say that again}. And action-packed. Obama has done so much, so fast, that our heads spin{like in The Exorcist?}. If this is not a tactic, it should be. He seems blessed with the immaculate timing in which events don’t just open a window, but nuke the building. In breezes Obama with his team of carpenters {But are they Union Card Check carpenters? And what are they building? A dog house for BO?}. While Americans were distracted with lost jobs and decimated savings {yeah, the minor stuff as opposed to his moobs.}, Team Obama re-landscaped the American Dream {wait! I thought he was a carpenter. So he's a landscaper as well? Sign him up!}with spending and future debts that are beyond our comprehension {yeah, but it's Skittles and pixy dust, so it's all good}. Now comes the perfect storm of avian, swine and human flu, just in time for a national health plan. Timing really is everything {yeah. Just ask that guy in Mexico who caught the flu after shaking Barry's hand.}.

Hoookay! So far, Parker concedes that Captain Cool basically is just a guy who is lucky enough to have events fall into his lap. So much for being Teh Awesome!!!1!1 But, as always, she's on a roll. Shall we proceed?

Here’s the thing about Obama: He’s a completely new deal {I still have my receipt. Can I trade this deal in and get store credit?}. We’ve never see this character before {which character is that? Is he now a comic book hero as well. Man! How can t he guy even sleep between all of his jobs?}. Each day is a new play and we’re not quite sure how this particular narrative arcs {I knew I hated theater, but I never knew why until now.}. All of that makes us a bit uneasy, as it should {wait! I thought he was calming or something.}. But my truest sense of Obama is that he thinks hard about each issue and that his mind is open {so long as Axelrod or the Teleprompter tell him what to say and do}. He is still finding out how to be president {sic}, listening instead of talking; watching and measuring, as children from disrupted childhood {sic} learn to do {I thought he claimed his campaign made him qualified from day one and that he was so awesome he could overcome everything}.

The task for conservatives is not so much to oppose the president, but to help him see {yeah, Palin's swearing in on 1-20-13}. Show him a better idea and he will consider it {and ignore it. Remember "I won"?}. I’m not sure Republicans are temperamentally capable of working with Obama, however{as opposed to all of that work and cooperation Democrats gave to Bush?} . His style confounds them. He’s the left-handed pitcher; the river that flows upstream; the slight fellow who fells the giant with a slingshot. And he never breaks a sweat. Who IS this dude? {I'm sure you'll tell us after you finish sending him a pair of your soaked knickers to show your love for him}

After 100 days, I think I’ve figured it out {Oh! Do tell!}. Obama is Cassius Marcellus Clay Jr. (Muhammad Ali to the more recently born.) Always above the fray, he floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee{So long as he can avoid hitting his head on Marine One's door}. So far, the Obama presidency is a rope-a-dope {and Ali lost the title two different times to inferior opponents. Your point being?} 

I am slackjawed after this glaring display of stupidity by a woman who wants you to believe how smart she is. What is scary is that after this piece, what will David Brooks do to top this?

Posted by: eddiebear at 12:18 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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