Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, I have an announcement to make.

I want the government to supply me with all of my rights.  See, I have this theory that if the government has decided that we must be insured, since we all have a right to health care, that it's neglecting other rights that are actually guaranteed to us by a little piece of paper that no one's ever heard of called the Constitution.

As such, I propose the following new law.  This will guarantee that everyone is taking full advantage of their rights.

• Whereas,
• The first amendment of the constitution says, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances,"
• Henceforth, the federal government must provide all religions with money to build a church, employ a preacher, and sustain the congregation; that all private citizens be given a press card, a printing press, and unlimited funds with which to operate their new publications; and that all people be mandated to participate in at least one peaceful assemblage per year.  Failure to go to church, make a newspaper, or go to at least one peaceful assemblage per year will result in a fine of no less than 1% of the citizen’s income or 6 months in jail.
• Whereas,
• The second amendment of the Constitution says, "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed,"
• Henceforth, the federal government shall mandate that all citizens own a minimum of one firearm.  Those citizens who cannot afford a firearm shall receive federal assistance for the purchase of said firearm.  Gun education classes will be mandatory in all publically funded high schools; students of private schools will be required to attend gun education classes by the end of their senior year.  Failure to own a gun will result in a fine of no less than 2% of the citizen’s income or 8 months in jail.
• Whereas,
• The third amendment of the Constitution says, "No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law,"
• Henceforth, you must submit in writing your consent to allow any member of any branch of the armed forces to live in your house, be he or she a spouse, a child, or other dependent, or otherwise.  Failure to submit written consent will result in a fine of no less than 1% of the citizen’s income or 6 months in jail.

I think this will fairly and equally guarantee that everybody is taking full advantage of every right to which they are guaranteed.  Obviously, a failure to take advantage of your rights cannot be tolerated in our open, choice-based society.

So we'll fucking make you do it, you pussy.

Posted by: Ember at 07:03 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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