Merry Christmas, Morons!

Merry Christmas if I don't hear from you for a few days. It's been a blast, and I really enjoy being a part of this little venture.

Posted by: eddiebear at 03:44 PM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
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After they come for our guns

...we can still rig Nerf Vulcans to throw harder, faster projectiles as rapidly as an M60. I recommend stocking up now to avoid the post-inauguration rush.

(h/t the Head Moron's sidebar)

Posted by: Alice H at 03:19 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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A post for the rest of us

Happy Festivus, everyone!

Posted by: It's Vintage, Duh at 01:00 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Hoping for some Changes in D.C.

With Barack Obama's inauguration less than a month away, some people in our nation's capitol are Hoping that all the stuff about Change wasn't just a rhetorical flourish:

On the campaign trail, he was all about changing Washington. But for the most part, Barack Obama was using the symbolic shorthand that "Washington" has come to evoke: a place where powerbrokers prevail, lousy laws are made and the little people don't really stand a chance.

What about the Washington where schools fester, the cops erect checkpoints worthy of war zones, young men gun each other down and where the bodies of four girls were found in a rowhouse guarded by their mother? An Obama administration can't work miracles, but local activists are optimistic; they see Obama as one of their own, given his background as a community organizer.

"The last eight years, in terms of engagement, D.C. has just been a photo op for the president, or a foil," says Tommy Wells, a social worker turned D.C. Council member. "I really do believe that I have a partner in the new president, someone who understands what it means to change a city to a safe, healthy place to grow up and grow old in."

Yeah, good luck with that partnership, Tommy.

Posted by: Sean M. at 12:46 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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You Know What This Flight Needs? A Drunk Pilot!

Especially when it's a 4400 mile flight from England to India.

Dad-of-two Michael Harr, 62 — who had been to a Christmas party the night before — was breath-tested and hauled out of the cockpit of the Boeing 777.

He was marched off the flight to Mumbai in India as colleagues preparing for the 4,400-mile, nine-hour trip watched in horror.

Police were tipped off when airport staff smelt alcohol on the veteran flier as he passed through routine security.

And the best part?

“He was arrested and now faces losing his job. He is only a couple of years away from retirement and has blown everything.

“Apparently, he and some of his younger colleagues had been out on Saturday night and the drinking got out of hand.

“He thought he could keep up with the youngsters.” Airline pilots are meant to avoid alcohol for eight hours before flying.

A photo of tubby Harr posing in his cockpit and looking red-faced appears on the Facebook website.

The former Delta Airlines pilot, who lives in Griffin, Georgia, boasts in his profile: “This old marine is still flying for $$$ after over 40 + yrs.” He goes on to joke: “Do it till I get it right.”

A spokesman for Indian-based Jet Airways said of the drama on Flight 9W119: “The first pilot was replaced and passengers were only delayed by ten minutes.”

Idiot. If you have a Facebook page, keep it bland, use a fake name, and post a picture of Elvis and Nixon shaking hands as your "profile photo".

Just sayin'.

Posted by: eddiebear at 11:37 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Hanukkah Is Underway

And eat some latkes. Just like this guy.

A 23-year-old mechanical engineering student has downed 46 of the potato pancakes in eight minutes to win a contest at a Long Island deli.

Pete Czerwinski (sir-WIN'-skee) says he'd never eaten a latke (lot-kuh) before consuming about seven pounds of them Sunday at Zan's in Lake Grove. The Toronto bodybuilder says he's just "a power eater" whose brain never signals that he's full.

Association of Independent Competitive Eaters Chairman Arnie Chapman says Czerwinski demolished the contest's previous record of 31 latkes, set in 2006.

Brooklyn college student Will Millender took second place Sunday with 29 latkes.

Posted by: eddiebear at 11:11 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Maybe I Should Learn How To Wrap Gifts This Well

Especially if this is on purpose.

Posted by: eddiebear at 11:06 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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That Santa, He's A Bad Mutha!

Especially when it comes to the ass-kicking department.

The Santas clashed with another group of men, described as Asian or African, on a busy street in the city centre.

One man was taken to Addenbrooke's Hospital in Cambridge with head injuries and another needed stitches after receiving cuts to his face in the skirmish.

The trouble continued with small pockets of disorder reported in the city.

A police spokesman said: "The incident involved two groups of males. One of the groups were all dressed as Father Christmas, the other group were described as being of dark-skinned African or Asian appearance."

One man has been arrested in connection with the incident.

Police are keen to hear from any witnesses, particularly a couple believed to have seen an incident near the Olive Tree restaurant.

In 2004 police were forced to arrest five people when an annual charity run in Newtown, Wales, involving 4,000 Santas, ended in fighting.

Officers used CS spray and batons to break up trouble amongst up to 30 people and four officers suffered minor injuries.

Posted by: eddiebear at 10:54 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Today's Double Dose Reminder Of How Not To Handle Frozen Stuff In Your House

First, this guy.

Fire officials in New Bedford, Mass., say a man using a blowtorch to melt ice on his back porch ended up setting his house on fire, causing up to $30,000 in damage.

Fire Capt. Scott Kruger tells The Standard-Times of New Bedford that no on was injured during Monday's incident at the three-story home.

Kruger says the man was using a torch hooked up to a 20-pound propane cylinder. He got too close to the building's wood frame and ignited the vinyl siding. The fire quickly spread into the building's second- and third-floor apartments.

Then, this guy.

Officials say the homeowner was trying to thaw out the pipe with a kerosene torch.

Irwin Fire Department Chief Keith Gray says the fire started in the basement and spread to the first floor.

"We caught it on the first floor before it got to the second floor," he said.

Gray says homeowners should not try to fix frozen pipes on their own.

"Best thing to do, if you have frozen pipes, call a certified plumber, get them to take care of it – don't try to handle it yourself," he said.

No one was hurt but firefighters say it could have been worse.

Today's lesson brought to you by the letter FAIL.

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Tap for Ta-Tas

If you are a moron who happens to own an iPhone, then you may be interested in this application. (NSFW)

Posted by: conservativebelle at 08:39 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Coming to DPUD on July 4, 2009

Umm.....this.

Posted by: It's Vintage, Duh at 03:44 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Howdy-ho!

Posted by: Sean M. at 03:30 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Some people are afraid of getting on a plane with a Muslim

But British airport security rightfully recognizes that clowns are the real terrorists. So much so that they strip-searched the clown.

'I showed them my police clown identity card, which had my picture next to my credentials as a member of the Criminal Insane Department, but I don't think that really helped.'

Part of me thinks this is another FAIL Britannia, part of me thinks you don't screw with airport security.  Pics of the terrorist at the link, so that alex doesn't have to be afraid of visiting the blog.  See, that's my Christmas present to you, alex, so say thank you.

Posted by: Alice H at 11:09 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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In lieu of actual content

I bring you one of my favorite commercials ever.



Don't lie.  I know y'all car dance.  I know it. 

Posted by: alexthechick at 10:01 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Marching orders

Some glib Gawker asshole named Ryan Tate tells us all what we're supposed to be writing about.  Well, get crackin' you knuckle-dragging Reichwing fascists!

(h/t)

Posted by: Sean M. at 09:16 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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One More For The Road!

Posted by: eddiebear at 05:17 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I Now Have Even More Respect For Eric Clapton

Not only is he a kick ass guitar player, but he seems to enjoy shooting.

He says, "I'm not really that gregarious. And shooting with groups of people up and down the country has taught me a lot about how to get on with my fellow human beings."

The musician recently cleared out his gun cabinet, selling 13 pieces off at auction in Britain.

Clapton insists he had to get rid of the weapons, because he became hooked on collecting them.

He adds, "It is following the same pattern as when I collected guitars - I get obsessed, then engulfed and finally narrow the collection down."

Posted by: eddiebear at 04:51 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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What Is It With Knut The Polar Bear?

Now, lonely people are flinging themselves at him.

A man jumped into the Berlin zoo enclosure of famed polar bear Knut on Monday, but officials were able to keep the animal away from the intruder by distracting him with a leg of beef, police said. The 37-year-old man jumped over a fence into a water-filled ditch at the edge of the bear's enclosure Monday morning, police said in a statement.

Zoo keepers, who had just let Knut into his outdoor enclosure, were able to lure the bear back into his cage by producing a leg of beef.

Police said the man, a German, was less cooperative, initially ignoring instructions to leave the enclosure. He was led away unharmed but, although he was soaked and cold, he refused to undergo a medical checkup.

Police said that, before being let go, the man told them that he felt lonely and the bear appeared lonely, too.

Posted by: eddiebear at 04:11 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Leave It To The Scandis To Mix Sex And Forestry

It appears as though the filthy, perverted ice chunkers wanted to see if boner pills would work work on trees.

Why? Who knows? I don't speak Scandi. But the results are, *ahem* stiffening our resolve to "experiment" longer and harder*ahem*.

For a recent project, researchers in Umeå in northern Sweden from the Swedish University of Agricultural Sciences (SLU) concocted a potent fertilizer featuring arginine, a common amino acid known for its power to improve sperm production and blood circulation in the sex organs, the Västerbotten-Kurrien newspaper reports.

The project was headed by forestry professor Torgny Näsholm, who created a fertilizer with strong concentrations of arginine.

He then added the mixture to the soil around several young spruce trees and measured the effects.

Näsholm discovered that trees which grew in soil laden with the performance enhancing fertilizer developed stronger root systems than other spruce trees.

Perverts.

Posted by: eddiebear at 03:37 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Seattle Fans+Snow+Opposing Team=Internet Awesomeness!

Looks like some football players might need a refresher on how to throw a snowball.

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