January 30, 2009

A Letter from the US Economy

Dear People of the United States,
 
Though in the past I have never directly addressed you, preferring to act either via unseen methods (the so-called "invisible hands") or through sweater-clad proxies, I am taking the exceptional step of speaking directly to you, the US taxpayer, during this time of our joint crisis.
 
I have taken this drastic measure because more and more of you are being misled by charlatans, fools, and gun-toting religious nuts who want you to believe that I will receive little or no benefit from the stimulus package that is currently passing through congress.
 
I can assure you that nothing could be further from the truth, and I shall be stimulated more thoroughly than a Viagra-swilling Urkel giving massages at the Playboy Grotto.
 
Perhaps you live in a fairy-tale world where cat feces miraculously shape themselves into effigies of the Virgin Mary strangling Christ by his umbilical cord, or where bicycle paths spontaneously carve themselves in areas where they are patently infeasible and unnecessary, but here in the real world it takes tax money forcibly removed from your pocket to provide these valuable social services to the chronically unskilled and underemployed.
 
During your morning commute on the Interstate, where you see a large empty expanse of terrain beside the road, I see a place where an ultra-modern, high-cost light rail system could endlessly shuttle half-empty trains back and forth in an eternal procession of protected union jobs and hopelessly outdated railworker benefits packages, all taking people from a place they don't live near to another place they don't want to go.
 
Assuming, of course, that no tit mice or red-crested dungbombers would be disturbed by the installation of such a rail system, in which case it will have to be rerouted through a residential area. 
 
I have read several economic "columnists" claim that there are legitimate concerns, but I can assure you that they are invalid.  Even now sociology and performing-arts majors are flooding the rolls of the unemployed; don't they deserve a chance to be hired by a shoddy construction outfit owned by a well-connected huckster so that they, too, can have the life experience of building shoddy high-density housing that will crumble into disuse within the next 3 to 5 years?
 
To those of you who still feel that my stimulus is less important than your paltry tax dollars, which you will doubtless squander selfishly thinking only of yourselves, remember that when I am angry my wrath is terrible to behold.  If you think that my boundless rage will be slaked by closing thousands of Starbucks and brutalizing the journalism industry, you are fooling yourself.
 
Inefficient car manufacturers are only the beginning.  Unless I get my stimulation, I may turn my attention to other trillion-dollar operations that are poorly run.
 
Or as my friends in Chicago might say, "Nice government you have there.  Wouldn't want anything to happen to it, would you?"

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