We started the year with a president that everybody hated but fortunately we got rid of him pretty quickly and replaced him with a new president that didn't look like at all any of the previous presidents which we were told was a very good and historic thing because it proved that we had finally gotten to the point where those kind of things didn't matter any more so then

 

we settled down to watch the Steelers win the Superbowl even though nobody thought they were good enough to then right after that it seemed like the baseball season started but nobody noticed because nobody cares plus everybody was distracted by the most ginormous government stimulus bill ever in the history of the world but was necessary in order to save unemployment from rising too high yet for some reason

 

a gay guy was a judge at a female beauty pageant so he asked one of the contestants what she thought of same-sex marriage and she agreed with the new president so the gay guy called her a lot of nasty names and she ended up getting lots of endorsements and publicity until we found out that she diddled herself (which we were assured in the 90's was totally cool and natural but doesn't appear to be the case any more) so that was it for her but everybody agrees that the gay guy is a jerk and by way of explanation

 

the new president took some time out from complaining about us (though we probably do deserve it) in order to clarify his position on gay marriage by doing a quarter-bow to the Saudi king (who supposedly owned the old president) and then we all discovered that having eight kids and being on a reality television show while stepping out on your wife is bad for your marriage (who'd have thunk it?) so now it's "Plus Eight Every Other Weekend and Two Holidays a Year" and then

 

unemployment didn't notice the stimulus and rose too high and we saw that our government never did find a "bad" dictator despite spending a lot of time gladhanding the current crop of dictators around the world but we did find a bad democracy in Honduras which did a bad thing by throwing out their dictator wannabe who crawled back in under the auspices of the US only to have to crawl back out thus proving that tiny little Honduras can thwart the will of the US with no repercussions whatsoever (who'd have thunk it?) so

 

to distract from this the government took over two car companies so everybody bought their cars from the third one, or would have if anybody had been in the mood to buy a car, which they weren't because they were captivated by the police in Cambridge acting stupidly and harassing the new president's old friend so the cops got dragged through the mud and insulted by everybody, although at least one of them did get a free beer out of the whole ordeal, meanwhile

 

the president reset our relationship with Russia by giving them a big red plastic button and complaining about us (although there's an outside chance we might deserve some of the criticism) and then in order to encourage people to buy cars the government created a special program which they screwed up the management of and ended up running out of money twice and still overspending and totally destroying car demand for the rest of the year but thankfully

 

our long national nightmare ended and Ted Kennedy finally kicked the bucket and after a long discussion about which of his relatives to put into the seat Massachusetts decided to put some other dude in the seat which doesn't make much sense but maybe there's a Kennedy nephew coming free from his current job in early 2010 and oh by the way

 

unemployment continued to ignore the stimulus and rose even higher and as the dog days of summer wore on we discovered that it's possible for a country of three hundred million people to have two pinheads in charge of the Senate and the House who can completely bollix the perfect political climate for health care reform so the entire congress had to go into hiding and appear on milk cartons as citizen groups searched for them with tar, feathers, and tea bags, which doesn't make much sense but does let otherwise-respectable news commentators snicker over an obscure sexual reference which better describes their presidential interviewing technique but anyways

 

that was interrupted when Kanye West rushed the stage to tell us that the academy had made a mistake and that Taylor Swift wasn't all that and then next he told us that he was the one with problems and then he said he was going to take a break but none of us were surprised because we've known all along that he was an insufferable asshole which the new president eloquently articulated between bows to foreign royalty and enumerating our failings (some of which had an air of validity) and also

 

David Letterman took time out from stalking Sarah Palin to help police catch a blackmailer who knew that he'd been canoodling interns, yet David still couldn't find time to either visit a dentist to have that gap plugged or update his pathetic act and regrettably the new president went to Copenhagen for the Olympics but all he got was a stupid T-Shirt and a Nobel Peace Prize which made us happy because even though he complains about us (which we're not sure we deserve) he hasn't really been lauded enough for his genius and specialness and recognized as the truly singular visionary that he really is and then

 

our other long national nightmare ended and the Yankees finally won the World Series after an interminable nine-year drought thus satisfying sports anchors everywhere and then unemployment, like the Jeffersons, kept movin' on up, so the new president had to take a break from reforming health care to do a full-on "salami salami baloney" bow to the emperor of Japan and then Iran paused from beating and murdering protestors to finally admit that it has lots of nuclear facilities and the IAEA is completely incompetent and they're going to have nuclear power and bombs and we all kind of shrugged and told Israel that it sucks to be you and then

 

we found out that the guys who have been doing the science behind global warming have been cooking the books not quite so much as Enron, but a good bit more than Isaac Newton would have thought necessary and next the world's greatest golfer took time out from putting it in the hole to put it in a different kind of hole but his wife found out and bashed up his car with a golf club and we all had a big laugh at his expense then it seems that the blogosphere continued to heat up over nothing and is the world's greatest untapped source of potential free energy, if only bloviation could be turned into energy,

 

and speaking of bloviation Al Gore was filled with a million-degree, white-hot, circa-2000 rage when somebody else picked up a shiny trophy at a Climate Change shindig and he was left to make factual misstatements and spar with Sarah Palin, whose book was selling millions of copies, and then the new president finally found a king he didn't like so he stiffed the king of Norway just when the king was about to hand him his trophy, which seems kind rude but it's that kind of attitude that forces the new president to have to make so many apologies for us geopolitical naifs but just now we learned that polling showed that we're really getting quite tired of the new president (who seems to spend an awful lot of time telling us what jerks we are) and we have come to admit that we kind of miss the old president
 
(who at least pretended to like us, despite all his other failings).

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