April 30, 2009

100 Days of Awesomeness

In honor of 100 days of being presided over by the most awesome president in the history of presidents, I give to you this list of 100 awesome things you may not know about Barack Obama.  But you should know them, because simply knowing these will make your life more awesome.
Barack Obama is so awesome that…
1 He doesn't molycoddle New Yorkers; instead, he scares them straight, just like juvenile delinquents
2 The PBA changed their rules: now the lowest score wins
3 He wears his sunglasses at night
4 Treasury Department?  He don't need no stinkin' Treasury Department
5 The cynical hearts of teenagers sing with joy unfurled at his coming to hand them mountains of debt they can never hope to repay
6 Nine out of 10 reporters agree: he tastes great and he's less filling
7 He blows off allies, prostrates himself to kings, and sucks up to dictators in the name of "smart diplomacy"
8 And he looks damn good doing it, too
9 His dog's not only from Portugal, but it's from underwater, too
10 Turkey's not just for Thanksgiving, but for the EU, too
11 When he fights the law, he wins
12 When his wife twisted off the Queen of England's head like a beer cap, he reattached it with nothing more than the sweat of his brow
13 You can see his awesomeness from space
14 He fires CEOs like other presidents change socks
15 He can hold two contradictory opinions and still be the model of consistency
16 White House maids report that the Presidential Toilet smells like roses and honey even when he forgets to flush
17 He encourages hate-mongers to moderate themselves via his silent presence, like he did at the Summit of the Americas.  Or in his church.
18 His Teleprompter has a blog that's more popular than this one
19 North Korea launched a satellite to confirm #13
20 Iran did, too
21 Even gravity's not a constant when he smiles at it
22 When he gets a haircut, his awesomeness actually diminishes by 0.0027%
23 Yes, that's right: even his trimmed hairs are more awesome than you are
24 That's why he needs his barber flown in from Illinois.  Lesser barbers might trim his awesomeness by even more than that
25 He is the walrus
26 He treats the Press like it's pledging his fraternity house, and they just keep smiling and saying "thank you, sir, can I have another?"
27 The second-most beloved TV doctor (behind House) wasn't awesome enough to be his Surgeon General
28 The yellow sun of earth gives him super-powers
29 Nancy Pelosi's troll-like visage doesn't cause the blood in his veins to freeze to ice
30 He needs to make Cuban cigars legal so he has something as awesome as him to smoke
31 He got Samantha Power and Hillary Clinton to work cheek-by-jowl
32 A vial of his sweat costs $1,000,000 on Ebay…and they're all sold out
33 Even Miss California adopts his policy positions
34 When he stimulates you, you stay stimulated, not like so many energy drinks that leave you feeling flat
35 Chuck Norris shines his shoes
36 He stole the Germans' car, and they were thankful for it
37 He saved Rush Limbaugh's show by encouraging people to listen to it
38 He really can make water run uphill
39 He doesn't sound hypocritical at all scolding Americans for not speaking more languages than he does
40 When Mexico slapped tariffs on us for violating NAFTA, the cosmos cursed them with Swine Flu
41 When he speaks, EF Hutton listens
42 Some men go through girlfriends; Obama goes through Commerce Secretary nominees
43 Arlen Specter switched parties just to be near him
44 He runs a unique program to help tax evaders find meaningful employment
45 Jesus wears a WWOD? button
46 He's becoming a foreign policy expert one misstatement at a time
47 Accountability among staffers has never been higher: they can't wait to admit culpability when things go wrong
48 If they don't, the Press investigates every error until they find out who made Obama look bad
49 After feeding a Chihuahua to a Pit Bull, PETA gave him an award and the American Veterinary Society changed their "Large Dog Feeding Guidelines"
50 You're realizing right now how not-awesome you are, but you're going to continue reading this list anyways
51 His carbon emissions actually cool the earth, which is why there are so many of them
52 Platoon and Apocalypse Now are finally being used as filmmakers envisioned:  training tools for the DHS
53 Preconcessions to Iran have paid enormous dividends: their president is now using Obama's slogan!
54 Dogs and cats really are living together, typically in the pound, which is where non-designer animals belong
55 While it may rain around him, it never pours
56 There are no lobbyists on his staff.  Former lobbyists, yes, but no current lobbyists
57 Violence has virtually abated in Iraq, since it no longer appears on the front page anymore
58 The lack of newspaper front pages doesn't make the preceding any less true, you know
59 Dangling participles simply fall when he comes near
60 Bills write themselves, then are approved without being read, as if sent from the future
61 He made Jay Leno look cool to somebody other than your grandmother
62 "Low-hanging fruit" for him is more deficit spending than the entire history of this country, combined
63 Inside his head, he hears the sound of one hand clapping
64 Somali pirates immediately laid down their weapons and became farmer-poets upon his ascension to the presidency
65 Any report that you read otherwise is a vicious lie
66 The Magic 8-Ball asks him for answers
67 He's not afraid of tiny little countries that threaten us, like Iran or China or Texas
68 He threw the entire CIA under the bus, which they did not see coming
69 Not only does he know where Waldo is, he knows why, too
70 People have been having tea parties almost non-stop to celebrate his victory
71 He has a gift, Harry
72 The song really is about him
73 When he said we needed to tighten our budgets, the Dow Jones obeyed, trimming off thousands of unneeded points
74 He demonstrates thrift himself when meeting world leaders, one Target gift card at a time
75 He knows whether the chicken or the egg came first
76 But won't tell you because that would be cheating
77 He doesn't find anything special about America, but thinks the Special Olympics is hilarious
78 The Greeks have replaced the letter Omega with Obama
79 He's ushered in a new appreciation for the 1970's by mimicking their greatest statesman, Jimmy Carter
80 When he sends people in to combat, he expects them to pay the bill if they get injured, like when you mow the yard without shoes on and lose a toe
81 He can tell the difference between Butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
82 His concentration never wavers, despite being surrounded by people who make Fem-Bots look like Hillary Clinton
83 He keeps his head about him even though those around him are losing theirs and blaming it on Bush
84 Terrorists lay down their arms and reject violence after speaking with him, whether they live in Iraq, Gitmo, or Hyde Park
85 When he bumped his head on Marine 1, he left a dent in it
86 Only Captain Kirk looks cooler, makes women swoon, and has slept with more Klingons than he has
87 He's pushing forward on human cloning so we can resurrect Harry Truman and try him for war crimes
88 Having BO is now a good thing
89 Divorced people are remarrying in droves just to divorce again while he's president
90 Only his ears could hold all the earmarks he's approved so far
91 All the mirrors in the White House have to be covered so that he doesn't get distracted by his own good looks
92 He sold off Poland and the Ukraine, and we didn't even own them
93 Whatever it is that Al Gore is babbling about, nobody reports on it any more
94 The Scooby Doo Detective Agency has closed, because he's got it all under control
95 He understands that to count the American people, I mean really count them, you have to use a statistical model that favors your predetermined output
96 He accepts less blame than Bart Simpson
97 Dr. Scholl's is now selling "Obama Eaters" so your feet can smell like the president's
98 Not even light can escape his field of gravitas
99 Despite inherting nothing but anarchy, chaos, and calamity from the Bush Administration, he's kept this country on track
100 He makes Joe Biden look smart

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