But this makes me laugh and laugh and laugh

Posted by: alexthechick at 12:11 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 16 words, total size 1 kb.

Iowahawk is the man. 

All new for 2012, the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition is the mandatory American car so advanced it took $100 billion and an entire Congress to design it. We started with same reliable 7-way hybrid ethanol-biodeisel-electric-clean coal-wind-solar-pedal power plant behind the base model Pelosi, but packed it with extra oomph and the sassy styling pizazz that tells the world that 1974 Detroit is back again -- with a vengeance.

Now, if only I could get to Chicago tomorrow for the All-Star Moron Meetup.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 04:37 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 88 words, total size 1 kb.

Posted by: plebian at 04:30 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 177 words, total size 1 kb.

Awesome.

Posted by: doubleplusundead at 10:56 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
Post contains 5 words, total size 1 kb.

A field medic who tended to Hitler's injuries in the Somme told a priest that indeed Hitler lost one of his nards in battle.

Posted by: doubleplusundead at 10:22 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 32 words, total size 1 kb.

Once again, there is nothing interesting going on so I provide you with more stupidity, this time courtesy of The Kool Aid Report:

Meanwhile in downtown Minneapolis, GLBT activists complained that there are no doll stores that cater to their community. Said one otherly-gendered activist: "I never had a doll that represented me and my sexual preference (which I'm still not sure of). I was stuck playing with trolls."

I'll finish by saying you really want to click over and see the suggested doll solution.  Gay Bob is epic.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 04:47 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 97 words, total size 1 kb.

You have to wonder if the writer thought about it at all.

Sources say Obama taps Craig as counsel

Posted by: conservativebelle at 03:05 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 31 words, total size 1 kb.

The International Bureau of Moral Standards today announced that oil companies were no longer evil, owing the precipitous drop in oil prices, and that their executives would no longer be considered undesirable people and their profits considered excessive. They have instead been downgraded to “greedy”, in line with most other capitalistic enterprises.

IBMS head Doris Grey-Sterling told reporters that “this is truly an exciting time to be alive, what with oil companies no longer headed by evil, devilish men devoted to destroying the poor, and Americans finally proving that they’re not racist. In fact, everything is beautiful, and we look forward to four years of peace and harmony now. I can’t remember a time when things were possibly better, except perhaps the halcyon days of 1925 to 1928.”

In other actions, struggling artists and journeyman infielders were continued listed as “noble” while all lawyers outside of the public defense and community organizer roles maintained their “soulless” status.

Posted by: plebian at 05:41 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 163 words, total size 1 kb.

A study released by New York University’s Department of Psychology, which was initially intended to discover the reasoning behind political decision-making as the vote drew nearer, has instead revealed the shocking conclusion that conservatives are losers, and often voter for candidates who are just like they are.
 
“Of course we suspected that conservatives who vote Republican were losers,” said Chekov Trope, one of the authors of the study.  “But we didn’t realize that they were losers because they were conservatives.  In fact, we thought it was the other way around.  But research showed us otherwise.”
 
The study showed that those who identified themselves as conservative, yet voted for Barack Obama, are good and decent people who are willing to think of the future and make a better world for their children.  However, those who voted for the Republican ticket are hate-filled bitter-enders who fear brown people, and often have body odor problems.
 
A disturbing undercurrent of sexual arousal due to bacon, or bacophilia, was also noted by the authors.  Ultimately, though, this was deemed too seedy to explore.  But they advise people not to purchase pork products from butchers who are known Republicans.
 
Tripe also noted that conservative intellectuals had known for some time this was true, as “many of them flocked to Obama in order to boost their self-esteem in the critical last few days before the election, as well as seize valuable invitations to cocktail parties, where their self-worth will be further bolstered.  Because nothing makes you feel better than to be the only conservative in a room full of gin-swilling liberals.”

Posted by: plebian at 05:15 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 270 words, total size 2 kb.

Posted by: plebian at 04:55 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 244 words, total size 2 kb.

In a historical first for any election, astronauts aboard the International Space Station today cast their ballots for president. The voting, widely hailed as "taking Democracy to the stars," went smoothly despite the obvious logistical problems attendant with taking votes from people thousands of miles away from their home states.

"It makes Dixville Notch look like the pompous, backwards jackasses they really are," said spokeswoman Helen Thomas-Crudump from ACORN, which had spearheaded the charge to register the astronauts. "And with seven hundred and forty-five people in the space station, most of them registered Democrats from the state of Pennsylvania, it's clear that we need to make sure that their votes are counted."

She noted that "it's just like Fort Penguin, Antarctica, where over two thousand soldiers from the Third Ohio Infantry are currently serving, who ACORN helped to vote early. We're committed to getting every vote to count, in our zeal even sending the same vote to two or three different precincts."

Not everyone was pleased with the move, however. Joe Biden warned that he felt "this might be the first step on the road to a war with the Klingons, or the Russians, whichever one of them it was that had those big ears and drooled a lot. Oh, yeah, that was Laura Bush!"

When no one laughed Biden promised to "throw your asses all in prison once I'm in the White House."

Posted by: plebian at 05:24 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 239 words, total size 1 kb.

Posted by: plebian at 05:30 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 188 words, total size 1 kb.

In what comes as a final, shattering blow to the Republicans' hopes in 2008, former Vice President and conservative standard-bearer Dan Quayle endorsed Barack Obama for president today.
 
Quayle, who was once a rising star in the conservative movement only to find himself a national laughingstock after his debate with Lloyd Bentsen, said that this election was important "to correct some historical mistakes."
 
"I am confident that four years of listening to Joe Biden will leave people yearning for me," Quayle said to a roomful of reporters who had missed their plane.  "After his stupid mouth costs us allies and drags us into wars, my arguing over the spelling of tomato will seem like small potatoes.  At least my rhetorical flourishes were never slanderous or revealed shocking incompetence."
 
He went on to note that he is afraid of Sarah Palin, because "she didn't wilt under the media glare like I did, which means she must have a steely heart which harbors only hatred for her enemies."

Posted by: plebian at 05:26 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 170 words, total size 1 kb.

Posted by: plebian at 05:48 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 381 words, total size 2 kb.

...chances are you're a retard and you're gonna hate this.  On the other hand, if you're not the kind of doofus who chuckles at the lowest of low anti-Bush/Condi/Cheney jokes, and if you feel for Joe the Plumber, you might just get a chuckle.  Or a sense of righteous anger.  Either way...enjoy.

Posted by: Sean M. at 04:01 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 59 words, total size 1 kb.

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama struggled in a live interview this morning on popular New Orleans TV station WFAK when asked to explain some statements by his running mate, Senator and village idiot Joe Biden.
 
While no video was yet available, a transcript was provided on the station website of the interview between reporter Barbara Wright and Obama.  It is reproduced below the fold.
more...

Posted by: plebian at 05:39 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 684 words, total size 5 kb.

Hollywood superstar Daffy Duck today confirmed reports that he had donated thousands of dollars to various Democratic candidates, and said that in his estimates nine out of ten cartoon stars support Barack Obama for president.
 
"Everybody I know is hoping for Obama to win it," said Mr. Duck.  "That's why cartoon stars as diverse as Mickey Mouse and Felix the Cat have come together to support him.  Even Popeye, like most other members of the cartoon military, is voting Obama this year."
 
Like many early cartoon stars, Mr. Duck has seen his box-office appeal slump in recent years as computer-generated cartoons manufactured overseas have come to dominate the industry.  "Obama will change that, though," Duck said.  "He supports tariffs on studios that do cartooning outside the US, to help us regain our competitive edge.  I've urged all my friends to do everything they can to help him get elected.  That's why I've been so pleased to see that they all show up on his donor list, even Doctor Feelgood, who I had thought was strongly apolitical."
 
"And it's not just Obama, either," Mr. Duck continued.  "We're contributing to those down-the-line Democrats as well, including one of our own, the cartoonish Al Franken."
 
Support for the Democrats was far from universal, though.  Perhaps the most famous holdout is Bugs Bunny's foil, Elmer Fudd, who is also president of the National Animated Rifle Association.  Fudd, who like most 70-year-olds now suffers from early-onset dementia and a severe speech impediment, said in a statement that "we must be vewy, vewy, qwuiet, because I'm hunting wabbits."

Posted by: plebian at 03:49 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 268 words, total size 2 kb.

Thanks to inside sources close to Obama campaign, I have managed to procure a copy of the list of crises that they think will present a clear and present danger within the first 90 days of an Obama presidency.  Further, they've outlined what they think the most probably response of President Obama would be, and taken the pains to outline some other scenarios which present better outcomes.
 
I understand that the list has not yet been reviewed by Obama, because he's been too busy working on his acceptance speech for the 2012 inauguration.  But here it is, as imagined by his own campaign:
 
The Moose Shot Heard 'Round the World
 
Dangerous radical Sarah Palin, known member of the Alaska Independence Party, will formally secede from the United States and declare Alaska an independent theocracy as punishment for losing the presidential election.  The breakaway province will likely be supported by both Russia, to weaken the US, and by Canada as punishment for rewriting NAFTA.
 
Obama's Response:  "So long, rednecks!  Don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you!"
 
Better Response:  Implore the UN to insert peacekeeping forces in Alaska to secure a long-lasting peace similar to what is enjoyed in spots around the world where the blue-helmeted soldiers have become synonymous with peace and harmony.
 
Flowergate
 
When a group of eager Cub Scouts tramples the White House garden, first lady Michelle Obama will be furious and insist that the President "show those rude boys proper behavior."  She may even insist on corporal punishment.
 
Obama's Response:  With a fearsome will reminiscent of Walter Mitty, Obama will call the Cub Scouts in for a meeting.  In a hilarious turn of events, Obama will end up as Pack leader and take the boys on a campout where, after a series of misadventures, he will end up swamping his canoe and lighting his shoes on fire.
 
Better Response:  Disband the boy scouts and require 40 hours per week of community service from every child under the age of 18, just to show that Obama is not the be trifled with.
 
A Night in Ford's Theater
 
A high school drama company stages a performance of the dreadfully unfunny "The Mouse that Roared."  The President and his entire cabinet are held hostage for four hours by the troupe, who are only slightly more lifeless than your average George Romero zombie.
 
Obama's Response:  In a tearful emergency State of the Union address, Obama announces that "this day I have surrendered, totally and without precondition, to the Grand Duchy of Fenwick.  I pray that they will be merciful and just to us, even though we don't deserve it."
 
Better Response:  All high school drama groups are outlawed.  It's just a cover for illicit drug use and people shagging in the costume rooms anyways.  And everybody knows the cool kids do debate and chess club anyways.
 
Maltese Missile Crisis
 
Long jealous of Sardinia's excessive influence over the naming of small canned fish, Malta obtains short-range missiles and insists that unless the world henceforth renames Anchovies the "Royal Sovereign Fish of Glorious Malta" they will destroy Sicily.
 
Obama's Response:  After insisting that "this is not the Malta that I thought I knew" he'll invite all parties involved over to the White House for a reconciliation dinner of his favorite dish, "Pizza with olives and Royal Sovereign Fish of Glorious Malta" and a side of "Belgian Fries" just to be on the safe side.
 
Better Response:  Surgical air strikes on Portugal which, though not involved in the controversy, should serve to prove that the US means business.  This will be followed by an angry speech by President Obama in the UN, ending with him banging his shoe on the table and shouting "we will bury you!"
 
The Thomas Cruise Incident
 
Katie Holmes shocks almost no one when she announces that she's separating from Tom Cruise, calling him "a religious weirdo" and implying that he is a closet homosexual.  Hollywood is outraged and demands that President Obama do something to set the young starlet straight, particularly to prevent Tom Cruise from ruining yet another nubile starlet, as is his wont.
 
Obama's Response:  Unable to refuse such a powerful part of the Democratic party, President Obama swings into action and requires that the couple attend weekly marriage counseling with supertherapist Dr. Phil, with Obama himself sitting in to "help heal their fractured souls."  He also creates a bill (quickly passed) requiring that all divorces must be approved by the husbands.  The bill is approved by NOW, which calls it "a significant progress in equalizing the sexes."
 
Better Response:  Those are pretty good, but also Scientology will further be recognized as "the guiding philosophical principle of the United States" since it was the religion of the founding fathers.  This will not require a constitutional change, since on the back of the constitution they find written in crayon "Scientology rules!  TJ"

Posted by: plebian at 04:16 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 825 words, total size 6 kb.

Chicago resident Princess Nudelman received some voter registration material in the mail recently.  There were only two problems: Princess is a goldfish and a dead one at that.

Why, it would be RACIST!!!!!1!!!!111eleventy!!! not to let Princess get the information?  Right?

Posted by: It's Vintage, Duh at 11:36 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 49 words, total size 1 kb.

Posted by: plebian at 04:36 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 707 words, total size 5 kb.