June 27, 2009
Word. Uphill both ways in the snow to get the necessary interpretations of the Bible, people. You whippersnappers have no idea how good you have it. Also GET OFF MY LAWN.
(Actually the context is pretty interesting.)
June 26, 2009
The Sam's Club iin Salisbury, Maryland, is promoting its pharmacy by handing out pill bottles filled with candy to kids. I guess that's better than filling Dots boxes with Vicodin. Or handing out gallon-sized jugs of Nerds.This is why you don't let your kids think that your recreational drug containers are something to play with. Even if they don't currently contain your recreational drugs.
On the downside, as a pill recipient at Salisbury News notes, "Now my 3 year old thinks all prescription pill bottles are just tasty snacks".
June 24, 2009
June 20, 2009
Thankfully, I'm here to help you with your gift guide. Even better, these are all low-cost ideas, because men don't really care how much you spend. It's the thought that counts.
And I thought about this list for at least ten minutes.
Bikini Lawn Mowing: It's not about getting the grass the right length, or giving him time out of the hot sun. It's an opportunity for him to enjoy watching you jiggle and sweat out in the yard, and perhaps even shatter the mower on a hidden stump, allowing him to upgrade to some kind of laser-guided robot lawn mower. And that's good for everybody.
The Sound of Silence: For some fathers, the best gift on father's day is not to be pestered by their hideous spawn (you know who you are). If your husband is one of these, do him the great favor of taking the spawn away for the day and giving him the sound of silence. Leave behind a 6-pack for him and you'll probably find that he's bought you flowers and bragged to his friends he has the best wife ever!
Bikini Vacuuming: Why not turn down the thermostat, put on a bikini, and clean up a little bit while he enjoys a beer and the ball game? He'll be glad you did! He won't even care if the vacuum ends up destroyed and you have to get one of those self-guided Roomba vacuums that will eventually come to life and suck your eyeballs out while you sleep.
Pull Their Finger: There is no prouder moment in a father's life than when his children master the old "pull my finger" gag. So why don't you spend a few hours training the kids so that their old man can be proud the next time they disrupt a family gathering, school event or worship service?
Bikini Budgeting: Whether you use a pencil and paper, a spreadsheet, or an abacus, he's bound not to complain about income and expenses if you're telling him about them while wearing a bikini. By the time you're done with your fiduciary duties, he won't care if you upgrade your accounting system to a spandex-clad accountant straight off the cover of a Harlequin romance book.
Verbal Negotiations with his Silent Partner (IYKWIMAITTYD): This classic standby doesn't say "I ran out of ideas." It says "you're the luckiest husband in the neighborhood."
Bikini Car Wash: Ladies, there's a reason that the local Junior College soccer team buys new uniforms every year and averages six fans a game. This is that reason, and there's no reason that you can't replicate their success in the privacy of your own garage or carport.
Fake Divorce Papers: Let's say that you spend every waking moment making your spouse miserable on purpose, and that you cheat on him at every turn. Why not give him a temporary boost by "filing for divorce" on Father's day? That way he gets the euphoria of being rid of you, followed by the soul-crushing realization that it was only in his mind. It's like castrating Walter Mitty!
(Note: if he decides carpe diem and leaves you the next day, don't come crying to me)
Bikini Anything Else: It turns out that anything is better if you add "bikini" to it. So just put one on, do something, then yell "Happy Father's Day!" Trust me: it'll work, and he'll appreciate it a lot more than a new ratchet set or tie. Don't own a bikini? You can easily replace "Bikini" with either "Lingerie" or "Wet T-Shirt" and achieve exactly the same results!
June 17, 2009
If you take a look at the tattoo artist, you won't be surprised at the outcome.
June 16, 2009
Personally, I think 90% is a bit of an underestimate.
A man reported missing by his wife last week was located Saturday. But he says he wasn't missing -- just following his wife's wishes to go away.
William Peterson told police he and his wife had an argument and she told him to get out. So, Peterson spent the week fishing and camping in Bend.
His wife, Pam Peterson, said that the argument with her husband happened months ago, and that she forgot about telling her husband he could always leave. Apparently, her husband had not forgotten, she said.
Now Cornelius Police are missing the money spent on trying to find Peterson, at his wife's request. That makes them the unhappy party of the third part.
June 12, 2009
This has been going around the interwebs, so why not? In the spirit of Lazy Sunday, here's Arlington Rap.
It's funny because it's true.
June 08, 2009
I had no idea how deeply and vigorously my package would effect the unemployment numbers:*
In other news, it seems a great many people seem to be unwilling to accommodate my enormous stimulus package. Unfortunately, I have deemed that, like many other invasive government activities, accepting the insertion of my stimulus to your person or business is mandatory.
We know this may be difficult so we have established the General Help Bureau (GHB) to more easily facilitate the embrace of my giant package. This way, even if you are opposed to accepting my generous exhertions, you will still receive the vast bulk of my assistance.
* - Yes, I did this just so I could test out my new art form, graph-cocking.
June 07, 2009
Does anyone suppose there's some valiant reporter who will ask Gibbs at the next presser if he found the context? Perhaps it's the "Throw inconvenient people under the bus" context. Or the "I should never have been allowed to get this far but no one else was willing to take the job" context. Or maybe it's the "My hair plugs have penetrated my dura mater" context.
When Biden realized he’d backed a loser, he un-gushed. Why, much to everyone’s surprise, Biden said his words were not an endorsement.
“It was a statement of friendship and admiration for the governor,” his spokesman insisted, “and was not intended as a political statement.”
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs wanted nothing to do with the controversy.
“I have not seen the remarks,” he ducked. “But let me go see if I can find that and see what the context is.”
June 03, 2009
"In light of recent revelations about the judicial ability of white males, it really would be irresponsible to allow this ruling to stand," explained Chief Justice Roberts.
He continued, "We're still concerned that we're not qualified to make these decisions being mostly white males but we were assured that we have achieved the correct percentage of minorities and women on the court to reach empathetic quorum. Hopefully a future court comprised entirely by Latina women will revise our decision using their super awesome wisdom."
Of course, this was not the only decision effected. Every Supreme Court decision before 1967 has been invalidated and awaits further review by a more diverse panel of jurists.
"We're not even sure that we should be using the Constitution as a guide anymore," said a frazzled Justice Alito, "I mean, it was written by a bunch of white males, too. It really is amazing the inferiority of their decision-making went unexposed for this long."
June 01, 2009
And in keeping of the spirit of today...
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