October 30, 2009
"Come the revolution"... crack me up!
(h/t to the magnificent skye820)
October 29, 2009
But what a lot of people don't know is that Doug Hoffman, in addition to being a real man and a real Republican, has made ten campaign promises that will forever alter the face of the United States. As usual, though, I'm on the case with the straight scoop. Here they are:
10) On his first day in Congress he'll rip Waxman-Markey in half with his bare hands. Not the bill, the actual moron congressmen. But don't worry, they won't be harmed at all: they have no spines.
9) He will replace the normal Congressional role-call with that guy who does the Tyson fights saying "Let's get ready to rumble!"
8 ) Despite his new job in Congress, he will defend his UFC championship belt.
7) Will create an American parallel to the Nobel Peace Prize, the Hoffman Hippy-Punching Prize.
6) He'll fix government spending. And not in the mechanic way, but more the way a veterinarian would.
5) Not only will he make sure that no American gets left behind, he'll keep his hands off of the intern's behinds, too.
4) Uwe Boll, Roland Emmerich, and Michael Bay will all be immediately deported to Guantanamo.
3) Roland Polanski will wish he was so lucky.
2) All funding that is being used to fight manbearpig will be freed up in the US budget, because Hoffman will track, kill, clean, and mount the thing himself…with a spork.
1) He'll never "compromise" by letting the Democrats have everything they want plus bipartisan cover, too.
October 19, 2009
October 15, 2009
Obama To Enter Diplomatic Talks With Raging Wildfire
Also be sure to read the crawl, the Black and Decker bit made me snort out loud.
Are all Wisconsinians acromegalic blog whores? If I ridicule Troglopundit's shameless blogwhoring by posting a funny picture of a cute woodland creature, does that mean that I'm prejudiced against Wisconsinians? (Wisconsinites? Wisconsinistas? What the heck kind of morons would name their state "Wisconsin" anyhow? No wonder the Packers suck and the Badger defense gives up 25 points a game. BTW, what kind of morons would name their football team "Badgers"?)
Well, regardless of anything I've said here, I cannot be accused of hating every resident of Wisconsin merely because of one lame joke at the expense of a blogger who is to Milwaukee what Godzilla was to Tokyo.
To make such an absurd assertion would be even more stupid than the average UW-Madison coed. It would be as stupid as that liberal idiot at Sadly No claiming that Tammy Bruce is a racist. And surely the freakishly tall Troglopundit is not that stupid. Maybe Sean Hackbarth but . . .
At any rate, the assertion that Wisconsin produces only stupid bloggers is perhaps prejudicial, as is the claim that there are no sexy women bloggers in Wisconsin.
Just because I haven't seen any Wisconsin women bloggers posting sexy pictures of themselves cannot be considered proof that all women bloggers in Wisconsin are fat, hairy, buck-toothed and cross-eyed, no matter what Minnesota's Ed Morrissey says about them.
First, we are known as "Wisconsinites." While not the most eloquent term for a group of staters, you must admit its superiority to "Illini" or the truly awful "Michigander." I'll also note that Georgian, while quick off the tongue is simply a reference to a villain and tyrant. Wisconsinite has no such negative connotation.
Second, our team is named the Badgers because they are the vicious, independent state animal of the great state of Wisconsin. We would have gone for something different but sadly, all names referencing an unfortunate symptom of the female conditions were taken.
Also, I find it telling that when one enters the term "Alabama" into Bing the first item suggested is "football." Shockingly, scholastic excellence is nowhere to be found.
I am sadly in no position to take issue with your assertion that all Wisconsin bloggers are stupid as my self-chosen nom de plume would tend toward invalidating any argument I made. Similarly, I find it unlikely that any bikini pictures I could offer would sway you toward a belief that Wisconsin is filled with Rule 5 poster women.
Still, you have besmirched my and my state's honor and I demand satisfaction. In lieu of pistols at dawn, I will accept a blog entry titled simply, "Wisconsin Is Great" with whatever apology you feel is warranted in the body.
I anticipate your rapid and thorough action on this matter.
October 12, 2009
The Nobel Prize committee today announced a surprising winner for the 2016 Nobel Peace prize: Alien Overlord Kang, who narrowly defeated her rival Kodos in the heated election for Dictator of Earth last year. The vote, which was decided by a coin toss after the two tied with a single ballot cast for each of them, had roiled the attention of the few remaining humans who have not yet been burned for fuel or eaten.
From the smoking ruins of their Norwegian hideout, the committee said that the election of Kang might signal "a new era of peace and understanding between our alien overlords and those few scattered barbaric tribes of humans who still wander in this smoking desolation. Except in Australia, which was completely destroyed in 2014."
During the campaign, the media became utterly enchanted with Kang's soaring rhetoric of "enslave, not destroy" and her supporters often chanted "yes we cannibal!" at election rallies shortly before Kang's security robots incinerated them.
In some ways the prize is seen as a referendum on Kodos himself, whose rule has been a despotic horror never before witnessed in the annals of history. His tyranny led to the death of four billion humans, the destruction of every major city center, and a revival of disco music for which he can never be forgiven.
Kodos was named as "Vice Dictator of Human Dispensation" by the incoming administration, but Kang has pledged that his depredations will be scaled back gradually over the coming centuries.
For now, though, Kang's actions have yet to match her promises. The death machines still roll unfettered across the plains, gathering up people to use as fuel or forcing them to battle mutated animals for the aliens' perverse pleasure. She has also reneged on her promise to shut down Harvard Law, that bastion of pestilence that has been spewing forth zombie lawyers to bedevil humankind for centuries.
She has, however, written her third autobiography, Soon Into My Slavering Jaws, which went to #1 on the New York Times bestsellers list shortly before the entire paper was destroyed for daring to criticize her gown during the inauguration.
Admitting that, I'll self-link just this once to a little item I whipped up two years ago year when Al Gore won the nobel peace prize. It seems almost prescient in its definition of the peace prize.
October 10, 2009
October 05, 2009
President Barack Obama today announced that the United States would boycott the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio as a sign of protest for the IOC's snub against his adopted hometown of Chicago, despite a strenuous two-hour lobbying effort by the President and the First Lady.
"Let me be clear: the IOC's decision is racism," he told a group of independently-minded sycophants in the White House press room. "And it's sexist, too, since Michelle asked more than I did. It's a shame that the taint of the Bush legacy continues to damage our once-great nation, in which Michelle and I endeavor to be proud of despite its many, many grievous faults and shortcomings."
He went on to say that he thought the organizers in Chicago were to blame. "It was like a Special Olympics organizing group," he said to chuckles. "Those guys were all thumping their chests and drooling and stuff. It was, um, really, uh, emboozling. I mean, embarassing. Sorry, there's a glare on the teleprompter."
Although the president didn't get what he claimed that he wanted, many thought that it was part of his plan. "The Olympics are a boondoggle and a disaster anyways," said noted conservative opinion-shaper Andrew Sullivan. "Obama saved us from the Olympics and kept it from blowing a hole in Chicago's budget, because he's got more foresight than the Hubble telescope."
Liberals were delighted as well. "This should finally shut up the right-wingers," said Keith Olbermann. "They keep calling Obama a fascist or a communist. Well, since Beijing got the last Olympics, and Hitler got an Olympics, I guess that makes them wrong, doesn't it. Doesn't it?"
When reporters asked why he didn't boycott the 2012 Olympics, Obama replied that "Even though I hate Gordon Brown, I don't want to have to skip the Olympics during my presidency. By 2016 I figure I'll be President of the United Galactic Planets or something, so it won't be my problem any more anyways."
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