Calling them "travesties of justice" and following through on his vow to bring change to Washington, President-Elect Barack Obama made the unusual step today of overruling President Bush's recently celebrated pardons, saying that the condemned "deserved exactly what they have coming to them."
 
Obama made the shocking announcement just hours before holding his star-studded President-Elect Thanksgiving Party in his Chicago headquarters, with a guest list which not only makes the Oscars seem like Hee-Haw, but is so long that he requires two full-size turkeys to accommodate everyone.
 
The condemned in question were the heads of the Pumpkin and Pecan crime families.  While Bush had long ago announced his full confidence in the criminals and vowed to set them free, Obama, eager to burnish his credentials as being tough on crime, stepped in via his authority as President-Elect and overruled the pardons.
 
Reports said that the sentence for the two "was carried out swiftly", although rumors that David Shuster fainted in the press room have not been confirmed.  A spokesperson did confirm that the veteran newsman "got the vapors" and felt dizzy, but would not comment on the report that Shuster "screamed like a little girl and wet his pants" before toppling face-down in a bowl of avocado dip.
 
New York Times editors said that the unusual move was "a right, and good, and just action, and will help to finally heal this country after eight years of Republican neglect."  They went on to publicly call for President Bush to step aside so that "the firm hand of Obama can rest easy on the tiller of the ship of state."

Posted by: plebian at 12:01 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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But this makes me laugh and laugh and laugh

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Iowahawk is the man. 

All new for 2012, the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition is the mandatory American car so advanced it took $100 billion and an entire Congress to design it. We started with same reliable 7-way hybrid ethanol-biodeisel-electric-clean coal-wind-solar-pedal power plant behind the base model Pelosi, but packed it with extra oomph and the sassy styling pizazz that tells the world that 1974 Detroit is back again -- with a vengeance.

Now, if only I could get to Chicago tomorrow for the All-Star Moron Meetup.

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Awesome.

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A field medic who tended to Hitler's injuries in the Somme told a priest that indeed Hitler lost one of his nards in battle.

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Once again, there is nothing interesting going on so I provide you with more stupidity, this time courtesy of The Kool Aid Report:

Meanwhile in downtown Minneapolis, GLBT activists complained that there are no doll stores that cater to their community. Said one otherly-gendered activist: "I never had a doll that represented me and my sexual preference (which I'm still not sure of). I was stuck playing with trolls."

I'll finish by saying you really want to click over and see the suggested doll solution.  Gay Bob is epic.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 04:47 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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You have to wonder if the writer thought about it at all.

Sources say Obama taps Craig as counsel

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The International Bureau of Moral Standards today announced that oil companies were no longer evil, owing the precipitous drop in oil prices, and that their executives would no longer be considered undesirable people and their profits considered excessive. They have instead been downgraded to “greedy”, in line with most other capitalistic enterprises.

IBMS head Doris Grey-Sterling told reporters that “this is truly an exciting time to be alive, what with oil companies no longer headed by evil, devilish men devoted to destroying the poor, and Americans finally proving that they’re not racist. In fact, everything is beautiful, and we look forward to four years of peace and harmony now. I can’t remember a time when things were possibly better, except perhaps the halcyon days of 1925 to 1928.”

In other actions, struggling artists and journeyman infielders were continued listed as “noble” while all lawyers outside of the public defense and community organizer roles maintained their “soulless” status.

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A study released by New York University’s Department of Psychology, which was initially intended to discover the reasoning behind political decision-making as the vote drew nearer, has instead revealed the shocking conclusion that conservatives are losers, and often voter for candidates who are just like they are.
 
“Of course we suspected that conservatives who vote Republican were losers,” said Chekov Trope, one of the authors of the study.  “But we didn’t realize that they were losers because they were conservatives.  In fact, we thought it was the other way around.  But research showed us otherwise.”
 
The study showed that those who identified themselves as conservative, yet voted for Barack Obama, are good and decent people who are willing to think of the future and make a better world for their children.  However, those who voted for the Republican ticket are hate-filled bitter-enders who fear brown people, and often have body odor problems.
 
A disturbing undercurrent of sexual arousal due to bacon, or bacophilia, was also noted by the authors.  Ultimately, though, this was deemed too seedy to explore.  But they advise people not to purchase pork products from butchers who are known Republicans.
 
Tripe also noted that conservative intellectuals had known for some time this was true, as “many of them flocked to Obama in order to boost their self-esteem in the critical last few days before the election, as well as seize valuable invitations to cocktail parties, where their self-worth will be further bolstered.  Because nothing makes you feel better than to be the only conservative in a room full of gin-swilling liberals.”

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In a historical first for any election, astronauts aboard the International Space Station today cast their ballots for president. The voting, widely hailed as "taking Democracy to the stars," went smoothly despite the obvious logistical problems attendant with taking votes from people thousands of miles away from their home states.

"It makes Dixville Notch look like the pompous, backwards jackasses they really are," said spokeswoman Helen Thomas-Crudump from ACORN, which had spearheaded the charge to register the astronauts. "And with seven hundred and forty-five people in the space station, most of them registered Democrats from the state of Pennsylvania, it's clear that we need to make sure that their votes are counted."

She noted that "it's just like Fort Penguin, Antarctica, where over two thousand soldiers from the Third Ohio Infantry are currently serving, who ACORN helped to vote early. We're committed to getting every vote to count, in our zeal even sending the same vote to two or three different precincts."

Not everyone was pleased with the move, however. Joe Biden warned that he felt "this might be the first step on the road to a war with the Klingons, or the Russians, whichever one of them it was that had those big ears and drooled a lot. Oh, yeah, that was Laura Bush!"

When no one laughed Biden promised to "throw your asses all in prison once I'm in the White House."

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