November 27, 2008
Obama made the shocking announcement just hours before holding his star-studded President-Elect Thanksgiving Party in his Chicago headquarters, with a guest list which not only makes the Oscars seem like Hee-Haw, but is so long that he requires two full-size turkeys to accommodate everyone.
The condemned in question were the heads of the Pumpkin and Pecan crime families. While Bush had long ago announced his full confidence in the criminals and vowed to set them free, Obama, eager to burnish his credentials as being tough on crime, stepped in via his authority as President-Elect and overruled the pardons.
Reports said that the sentence for the two "was carried out swiftly", although rumors that David Shuster fainted in the press room have not been confirmed. A spokesperson did confirm that the veteran newsman "got the vapors" and felt dizzy, but would not comment on the report that Shuster "screamed like a little girl and wet his pants" before toppling face-down in a bowl of avocado dip.
New York Times editors said that the unusual move was "a right, and good, and just action, and will help to finally heal this country after eight years of Republican neglect." They went on to publicly call for President Bush to step aside so that "the firm hand of Obama can rest easy on the tiller of the ship of state."
November 24, 2008
“Today more than ever, it’s important to get this information out way in advance of Christmas,” said APERH spokesman Lucille Blarney-Whitte. “Because we want to make sure that the holidays are appropriately ruined by ill feelings about the economy. We wouldn’t want any Black Friday retail boost this year!”
APERH pegged the cost of the Twelve Days of Christmas, which is out of reach of all but rich Sultans and the occasional Wall-Street Fatcat, as follows:
A Partridge in a Pear Tree: Retail value: $0.22, based on the typical cost of pears bought wholesale. Having Danny Bonaduce pose naked inside the stack of pears is considered free, as he is a well-known low-rent attention whore.
Two Turtle Doves: Not available, because cross-breeding a turtle and a dove is wrong, and APERH refuses to play God. Although their Korean affiliation did offer to supply two turtle-doves for only $645,000, with a skunk raptor thrown in for free, this gift violates all biomedical ethics and should be soundly denounced by right-thinking people.
Three Freedom Hens: $147.50. As continuing punishment for our unreliable, shifty-eyed, beret-wearing, mime-loving ex-allies, “French” Hens are no longer acceptable as gifts,
Four Calling Plans: $25 a month (roaming charges may apply). But if your teenage daughter gets infatuated with somebody on another plan, this might cost you way more than that.
Five Golden Rings: APERH regrets that the weight of the golden rings was unavailable, as they were stolen by a wild-eyed McCain voter convinced that Obama’s win signaled the end times. The crazed survivalist buried the rings in a coffee can under the floorboard of his Unabomber-style shack up in the hills, and Federal agents have yet to recover it.
Six Geese a-Laying: $1.99 a pound, or just under $240. Unfortunately, the real value of these geese cannot be realized, as they were all brutally slaughtered when they wandered near a Sarah Palin press conference.
Seven Swans a-Swimming: $752,843,192 (Superfund Site Cleanup Bill). The swans died and their bodies disintegrated because the lake was polluted with toxic waste because of lax environmental regulation.
Eight Maids a-Milking: $642 for the milk. The maids were fired because it was revealed that they were not maidens, but rather tramp-stamped former Kid Rock groupies.
Nine Ladies Dancing: Unfortunately, a catfight broke out when an inner-city dance squad accused the all-white dance squad of stealing their moves, preventing the APERH judge from getting a realistic evaluation of the cost. He did, however, describe the scene as “titillating” and said it might make for “very revealing filming.”
Ten Bloggers Blogging: Free. APERH has updated this, since Lords went out of style with the closure of the upper house of the English parliament. The good news, though, is that anybody who pays for bloggers (singly or by the gross) is a moron, since there are hundreds who blog for free. Please note that you get what you pay for.
Eleven Hash Pipers Piping: $245 in California, Free with cup of coffee in Amsterdam. This is the most regional-based purchase of the gifts.
Twelve Drummers Drumming: $84. Since drummers are the least-talented of all musicians, anything more than minimum wage is overpaying for their services.
Total Cost of the Twelve Days of Christmas: $752,844,575.72
November 21, 2008
All new for 2012, the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition is the mandatory American car so advanced it took $100 billion and an entire Congress to design it. We started with same reliable 7-way hybrid ethanol-biodeisel-electric-clean coal-wind-solar-pedal power plant behind the base model Pelosi, but packed it with extra oomph and the sassy styling pizazz that tells the world that 1974 Detroit is back again -- with a vengeance.
Now, if only I could get to Chicago tomorrow for the All-Star Moron Meetup.
November 20, 2008
Make sure to ask about our "buy one secretary, get one secretary free" deal! Great offers still available on former State, Defense, and HHS secretaries! And don't forget: with every five secretaries, you get a free intern for all your polishing needs!
Act now and we'll also throw in one former first lady, with experience both in national and international affairs, slightly used, minor glass ceiling damage, but absolutely free with every large secretary order you make! (some placation may be required, ask dealer for details)!
Remember that for every discredited, late-70's era secretary you buy, you get a free pack of Billy Beer and an authentic pale-green "malaise" sweater absolutely free! And don't worry: we guarantee our showroom to be 100% rabbit-free!
If you're hoping for a better deal, you'd better change your mind and call now!
November 19, 2008
November 18, 2008
November 17, 2008
Once again, there is nothing interesting going on so I provide you with more stupidity, this time courtesy of The Kool Aid Report:
Meanwhile in downtown Minneapolis, GLBT activists complained that there are no doll stores that cater to their community. Said one otherly-gendered activist: "I never had a doll that represented me and my sexual preference (which I'm still not sure of). I was stuck playing with trolls."
I'll finish by saying you really want to click over and see the suggested doll solution. Gay Bob is epic.
November 16, 2008
I thought Craig was the one who did the tapping.
November 13, 2008
The International Bureau of Moral Standards today announced that oil companies were no longer evil, owing the precipitous drop in oil prices, and that their executives would no longer be considered undesirable people and their profits considered excessive. They have instead been downgraded to “greedy”, in line with most other capitalistic enterprises.
IBMS head Doris Grey-Sterling told reporters that “this is truly an exciting time to be alive, what with oil companies no longer headed by evil, devilish men devoted to destroying the poor, and Americans finally proving that they’re not racist. In fact, everything is beautiful, and we look forward to four years of peace and harmony now. I can’t remember a time when things were possibly better, except perhaps the halcyon days of 1925 to 1928.”
In other actions, struggling artists and journeyman infielders were continued listed as “noble” while all lawyers outside of the public defense and community organizer roles maintained their “soulless” status.
November 06, 2008
A study released by New York University’s Department of Psychology, which was initially intended to discover the reasoning behind political decision-making as the vote drew nearer, has instead revealed the shocking conclusion that conservatives are losers, and often voter for candidates who are just like they are.
“Of course we suspected that conservatives who vote Republican were losers,” said Chekov Trope, one of the authors of the study. “But we didn’t realize that they were losers because they were conservatives. In fact, we thought it was the other way around. But research showed us otherwise.”
The study showed that those who identified themselves as conservative, yet voted for Barack Obama, are good and decent people who are willing to think of the future and make a better world for their children. However, those who voted for the Republican ticket are hate-filled bitter-enders who fear brown people, and often have body odor problems.
A disturbing undercurrent of sexual arousal due to bacon, or bacophilia, was also noted by the authors. Ultimately, though, this was deemed too seedy to explore. But they advise people not to purchase pork products from butchers who are known Republicans.
Tripe also noted that conservative intellectuals had known for some time this was true, as “many of them flocked to Obama in order to boost their self-esteem in the critical last few days before the election, as well as seize valuable invitations to cocktail parties, where their self-worth will be further bolstered. Because nothing makes you feel better than to be the only conservative in a room full of gin-swilling liberals.”
November 05, 2008
“We have a chance to reach out and make a real difference,” Obama told a stunned crowd. “I have a lot of experience campaigning, and I don’t plan on letting it get out of date. And I’m not going to let this historic chance for re-election slip away from me!”
A source close to Obama said that the president-elect enjoyed the grueling, two-year campaign, and that “he’s never had this much fun in his life. In addition to crushing Hillary Clinton, he got to spend hundreds of millions of dollars on his favorite project: himself.”
Obama told his supporters not to despair. “If something comes up in Washington that I’m needed for, I’ll be there in a heartbeat. But I trust Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi to continue to provide us the leadership they’ve shown the past two years.”
Joe Biden also jumped in to help, telling reporters that “we’re better off without Barack having his finger on the button, because he’s still cheesed off at Pennsylvania and might nuke them.”
The Obama campaign later notified reporters that Biden would not be available for comment until 2013.
November 04, 2008
In a historical first for any election, astronauts aboard the International Space Station today cast their ballots for president. The voting, widely hailed as "taking Democracy to the stars," went smoothly despite the obvious logistical problems attendant with taking votes from people thousands of miles away from their home states.
"It makes Dixville Notch look like the pompous, backwards jackasses they really are," said spokeswoman Helen Thomas-Crudump from ACORN, which had spearheaded the charge to register the astronauts. "And with seven hundred and forty-five people in the space station, most of them registered Democrats from the state of Pennsylvania, it's clear that we need to make sure that their votes are counted."
She noted that "it's just like Fort Penguin, Antarctica, where over two thousand soldiers from the Third Ohio Infantry are currently serving, who ACORN helped to vote early. We're committed to getting every vote to count, in our zeal even sending the same vote to two or three different precincts."
Not everyone was pleased with the move, however. Joe Biden warned that he felt "this might be the first step on the road to a war with the Klingons, or the Russians, whichever one of them it was that had those big ears and drooled a lot. Oh, yeah, that was Laura Bush!"
When no one laughed Biden promised to "throw your asses all in prison once I'm in the White House."
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