July 31, 2009
Thanks to my inside sources at the White House*, I was able to receive a transcript of the Beer Summit that took place yesterday between President Barack Obama, VP Joe Biden, scholar Henry Louis Gates, and police officer James Crowley. Here's how it all went down:
* = which is to say, I'm pretty sure this is what they probably said.more...
July 30, 2009
Apparently, contrary to popular screaming opinion, Mac's do get viruses.
And Oh Noes! It's the Uber-Mac, the Holy Mac, the iPhone.
Security experts have uncovered flaws in Apple Inc's iPhone that they said hackers can exploit to take control of the popular device, using the tactic for identity theft and other crimes.
I think you know what that calls for, you'll have to hit more because I don't want to break the blog. I think this will work.
July 29, 2009
Vice President Joe Biden appeared on CNN to refute the charges, but made the situation worse when he said that “we’ll probably end up having to let a lot of old people die, but none of those who are politically connected. And you probably won’t know any of ‘em anyways.”
Some even suggested that it was this part of the plan that suddenly made it attractive, as Generation X members realized they could increase the solvency of their pension plans as well as seize their inheritance before their Boomer parents squandered it on erectile-dysfunction pills and "medicinal" marijuana. Typical of respondents was on Chelsea C in New York, who said “my parents are nothing but a couple of out-of-control embarrassments anyways. The sooner they’re gone the better for everybody.”
A new lobbying group, Planned Orphanhood, has also sprung up to address this issue and already boasts 35,000 members. Spokesperson Parpindo Geisel said in a statement that “Planned Orphanhood hopes to help adults in Generations X and Y assist their elders in making difficult end-of-life decisions, allowing the young people of today enjoy what little largesse will be available after our rapacious government taxes us into poverty. Otherwise the Baby Boomers will continue their selfish habits of hogging all the best pensions, drugs, and lakefront property while saddling their offspring with a mountain of Chinese debt.”
Noted cranks the AARP called the new group “a syndicate of the purest evil” and denounced them, but Geisel responded that “those codgers are gonna be first on the list.”
July 28, 2009
Phil Spector used to take calls from Tina Turner and John Lennon, but now the only person who wants to work with him is mass murderer Charles Manson.That last quote is from Phil Spector's wife. Yeah, someone married that.
‘He said he considers Philip the greatest producer who ever lived. It was creepy. Philip didn’t respond.’
July 27, 2009
July 22, 2009
While at the theater this afternoon to see the newest Harry Potter film, I saw a preview for an upcoming piece of crap titled 2012. How can I be so certain it will suck? Let me count the ways:
It's directed by Roland Emmerich, who should be in prison for crimes against celluloid. Bastard. He's spent over a half-billion dollars making three of the worst movies ever (Godzilla, Day after Tomorrow, and the execrable 10,000 BC).
It's a disaster movie, which were pretty much all tapped out in the late 70's.
It's directed by Roland Emmerich, whose talent for destroying movies has only been thwarted once thanks to Will Smith, who is a latter-day David Hasselhoff. Smith even overcame a smirking Jeff Goldblum, though it's not clear how this was done (I suspect performnace-enhancing drugs).
It stars John Cusak, the least-talented of the Cusak acting clan/crime family.
It was written by Roland Emmerich, which ensures that it will conform to the same rigorous accuracy and believeability we've come to enjoy in his other films, like The Patriot or TDAT.
It's based on a Mayan prophecy that the world will end in 2012, which gets much play from conspiracy theorists who believe that aliens built all the ancient civilizations. Stupid Mayans.
Did I mention it has the big dirty fingerprints of the worst director currently working, Roland Emmerich? Did you know he once cast Ferris Buller as the lead in a monster movie?
So please, please, please avoid this movie at all costs. I got stupider just watching the trailer for it.more...
Courtesy of @gabrielmalor.
July 21, 2009
I speak, of course, about the ongoing efforts to sell southern California to China, which is happening under our noses and with the express written consent of the NFL.
When I tell people about this conspiracy, they inevitably pass through three phases: disbelief, followed by ridicule, and finally spittle-flecked outrage at this plan.
Read on and prepare your salivary glands, my friends.
July 20, 2009
Yep, that's a bowling ball you throw at your TV.
July 16, 2009
Pic courtesy of myconfinedspace. That's a completely, totally NSFW link, by the way.
July 14, 2009
Customers who arrive on bicycle or who can prove they took public transportation get a 5-euro ($7) discount from the usual 70-euro ($100) fee for 45 minute sessions, Mr Goetz said. He said the environmentally friendly offer was working a charm.I'm not sure if I'd feel like bicycling or taking the bus after a really good workout of that sort, though.
(h/t dustbury's twitterfeed)
That's a good thing because they need a good lefty off the bench.*
Tip your waitresses.
* - From Conan.
July 13, 2009
Thanks to The Unrepentant Geek.
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