July 31, 2009

Transcript of the Beer Summit

Thanks to my inside sources at the White House*, I was able to receive a transcript of the Beer Summit that took place yesterday between President Barack Obama, VP Joe Biden, scholar Henry Louis Gates, and police officer James Crowley.  Here's how it all went down:

* = which is to say, I'm pretty sure this is what they probably said.

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July 30, 2009

Heh

Now that's funny.
Apparently, contrary to popular screaming opinion, Mac's do get viruses.

And Oh Noes! It's the Uber-Mac, the Holy Mac, the iPhone.
quote
Security experts have uncovered flaws in Apple Inc's iPhone that they said hackers can exploit to take control of the popular device, using the tactic for identity theft and other crimes.

I think you know what that calls for, you'll have to hit more because I don't want to break the blog. I think this will work.
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Laundry really pisses me off too

If Ted Kennedy can leave a girl at the bottom of the Chappaquiddick, I don't see why a little domestic assault charge is gonna hurt Stormy Daniels. 

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July 29, 2009

Obamacare Sees Bounce

IN a surprising announcement, highly-touted pollster Zigby today said that President Obama’s healthcare plan showed a sudden surge, giving hope to the beleaguered president and his congressional allies.  Support for the single-payer plan increased to 55% of those surveyed between July 24 and 27, with those under 35 now favoring the plan by an overwhelming 3 to 1 margin despite fervent Republican efforts to paint the plan as “a one-way ticket to government-forced euthanasia of the elderly.”
 
Vice President Joe Biden appeared on CNN to refute the charges, but made the situation worse when he said that “we’ll probably end up having to let a lot of old people die, but none of those who are politically connected.  And you probably won’t know any of ‘em anyways.”
 
Some even suggested that it was this part of the plan that suddenly made it attractive, as Generation X members realized they could increase the solvency of their pension plans as well as seize their inheritance before their Boomer parents squandered it on erectile-dysfunction pills and "medicinal" marijuana.  Typical of respondents was on Chelsea C in New York, who said “my parents are nothing but a couple of out-of-control embarrassments anyways.  The sooner they’re gone the better for everybody.”
 
A new lobbying group, Planned Orphanhood, has also sprung up to address this issue and already boasts 35,000 members.  Spokesperson Parpindo Geisel said in a statement that “Planned Orphanhood hopes to help adults in Generations X and Y assist their elders in making difficult end-of-life decisions, allowing the young people of today enjoy what little largesse will be available after our rapacious government taxes us into poverty.  Otherwise the Baby Boomers will continue their selfish habits of hogging all the best pensions, drugs, and lakefront property while saddling their offspring with a mountain of Chinese debt.”
 
Noted cranks the AARP called the new group “a syndicate of the purest evil” and denounced them, but Geisel responded that “those codgers are gonna be first on the list.”

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I suppose as long as they're American muscle cars...

Cato@Liberty details how to use Cash For Clunkers to get the Escalade you've always wanted and stick it to Government Motors at the same time.

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In remembrance

Heh.

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July 28, 2009

A new client

Funny how your associates change when you're in the slammer.

Phil Spector used to take calls from Tina Turner and John Lennon, but now the only person who wants to work with him is mass murderer Charles Manson.
...
‘He said he considers Philip the greatest producer who ever lived. It was creepy. Philip didn’t respond.’
That last quote is from Phil Spector's wife. Yeah, someone married that.


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July 27, 2009

And speaking of things up asses...

If this guy just read this moronblog, he could have been saved the trouble because he would have known which end to insert.

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Army Colonel eats 40-year old C-ration pound cake in celebration of retirement

Funny story, and obviously we all thank Col. Moak for his service.

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July 22, 2009

Screw the Mayans

While at the theater this afternoon to see the newest Harry Potter film, I saw a preview for an upcoming piece of crap titled 2012.   How can I be so certain it will suck?  Let me count the ways:

It's directed by Roland Emmerich, who should be in prison for crimes against celluloid.  Bastard.  He's spent over a half-billion dollars making three of the worst movies ever (Godzilla, Day after Tomorrow, and the execrable 10,000 BC). 

It's a disaster movie, which were pretty much all tapped out in the late 70's.

It's directed by Roland Emmerich, whose talent for destroying movies has only been thwarted once thanks to Will Smith, who is a latter-day David Hasselhoff.  Smith even overcame a smirking Jeff Goldblum, though it's not clear how this was done (I suspect performnace-enhancing drugs).

It stars John Cusak, the least-talented of the Cusak acting clan/crime family.

It was written by Roland Emmerich, which ensures that it will conform to the same rigorous accuracy and believeability we've come to enjoy in his other films, like The Patriot or TDAT.

It's based on a Mayan prophecy that the world will end in 2012, which gets much play from conspiracy theorists who believe that aliens built all the ancient civilizations.  Stupid Mayans.

Did I mention it has the big dirty fingerprints of the worst director currently working, Roland Emmerich?  Did you know he once cast Ferris Buller as the lead in a monster movie?

So please, please, please avoid this movie at all costs.  I got stupider just watching the trailer for it.

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Because injury is funny, redux



Via RightWingVideo

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Because alexthechick refused to post it

and because injury is funny, as evidenced by the side-splitting clip eddiebear posted earlier. Which is infinitely funnier than this one, by the way, but this is still pretty funny.


Courtesy of @gabrielmalor.

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July 21, 2009

Through the Looking Glass

While others waste their time conspiracy-mongering about the Obama birth certificate, a great and hideous cabal works its nefarious will to alter the United States in ways we cannot possibly imagine, spearheaded by the Republican arch villain Karl Rove.
 
I speak, of course, about the ongoing efforts to sell southern California to China, which is happening under our noses and with the express written consent of the NFL.
 
When I tell people about this conspiracy, they inevitably pass through three phases:  disbelief, followed by ridicule, and finally spittle-flecked outrage at this plan.
 
Read on and prepare your salivary glands, my friends.

 
 
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July 20, 2009

In My Day

For those of you uninterested in the disgruntled rantings of an old codger, just go on.  If, however, you are unhappy with the current state of affairs today, perhaps you will find solace in my complaints.
 
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Nothing could go wrong with this



Yep, that's a bowling ball you throw at your TV.

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July 16, 2009

Worst tattoo ever

Seriously, worst tattoo ever.  Especially when you realize that you're not looking at what you think you're looking at.  Behind the cut for bad taste.

Pic courtesy of myconfinedspace.  That's a completely, totally NSFW link, by the way.
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July 14, 2009

Positive incentive

Customers who arrive on bicycle or who can prove they took public transportation get a 5-euro ($7) discount from the usual 70-euro ($100) fee for 45 minute sessions, Mr Goetz said. He said the environmentally friendly offer was working a charm.
I'm not sure if I'd feel like bicycling or taking the bus after a really good workout of that sort, though.

(h/t dustbury's twitterfeed)

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Did you hear?

Did you hear that Sotomayor is a big Yankees fan?

That's a good thing because they need a good lefty off the bench.*

... 

Tip your waitresses.

* - From Conan.

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Kidnapped and force-fed beer

I'm thinking this guy just wanted an alibi as to why he downed a couple of brewskis in Mormon country.

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July 13, 2009

What would probably happen if the Norks tried to attack Hawaii

Goofy little video

Thanks to The Unrepentant Geek.

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