June 30, 2008

DNC Issues "Most Wanted" list

I posted this with pictures over at my place.  I'd have posted it here, but you have to use photobucket, and I'm afraid of breaking the Internets or something.  Plus, all my outside-of-blogging photo gathering consists of searching for naked pictures of Vicki Lawrence.

So here's a posting on the DNC's "Enemies" list.

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Media Declares Planck's Constant is 4

Respect America's Traditional Media Organizations, a trade group promoting journalism in both print and television, made the stunning declaration today that the value of Planck's Constant, a fundamental part of quantum physics, was 4.


"Under media aegis presidential elections are decided, world opinion is shaped, and celebrities are declared hot or not," said spokeswoman Mina Dirac.  "Why should we allow physicists to continue to direct their so-called constant, when we can do it better?"


She cited the media's track record of achievement in prognostication.  "Who knew the democratic nominee almost from the start of the race in 2007?  We did.  Who knew the winner of the 2004 election after 10% of the votes were tallied?  We did.  Who cut through government misinformation to broadcast live, real-time updates the horrors of Hurricane Katrina, which cost tens of thousands of lives?  That's right: we did.


"Which organization has seen the budding depression in the US economy despite economic indicators pointing towards growth and a misleadingly buoyant private sector?  We have.  So now we're turning our attention to physics.


In addition to Planck's constant being fixed at 4, ROTMO also revealed that the relativity equation is now best expressed as


Truth = SpokenPower x Traditional Media

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June 28, 2008

Maybe the Obamessiah was sent down from the heavens, after all

Well, from outer space, anyway.

(Via pw comments.)

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June 27, 2008

Obamic Scholar Condemns John Stewart

A leading Obamic scholar today condemned comic John Stewart, saying that the Daily Show host had “trampled on the dignity of Barack Obama” and warning that any further transgressions would be “dealt with in the most strenuous possible fashion.”


“It is not allowed to demean the dignity of the most high,” Joseph Palermo, one of the Obamic scholars at the Huffington Academy said.  “He must be treated with the respect due an incarnation of greatness.  It is never acceptable to mock Obama, may his election be guaranteed.”


Palermo said that Stewart’s comment that it was all right to laugh at the candidate was wrong, and a misreading of Obamic law.  “It is never acceptable to laugh at Obama, may his election be guaranteed.  There are forces of darkness, called Republicans, who stalk the land seeking to discredit the Ordained One.  No believer must help them, and they must be shunned wherever found.”


“Stewart has helped these dark forces, and he must pay penance and seek forgiveness before he can be considered one of the faithful again,"  Palermo added.  "I am glad that he is on television, because all supporters will know him, and how to find him, if Obamic justice must be administered.”

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Canadian HRC Opens Investigation Against Obama

Anti tar sands rhetoric is possible violation of Hate Speech laws.


The Canadian Human Rights Council confirmed yesterday that it has opened an investigation against Democratic nominee Barack Obama regarding his “anti-Canadian” comments, specifically his recent denunciation of oil extracted from tar sands.


A spokesperson for the HRC said that “several Canadians have complained that Mr. Obama’s reckless disregard for NAFTA and his specific denigration of the Tar Sands have led to feelings of abandonment, disillusionment, and general hurt feelings.  This is incompatible with what it means to be Canadian; namely, our belief that all discourse should be bland and neutral.”


Aides for Obama called the issue a distraction.  “When he said Tar Sands, he didn’t realize that this phrase was a special code word for the Canadians.  What he meant to say is that greater pollution from fossil fuels in the US will not be tolerated, but the continued purchasing of Canadian oil is indispensable for our economy, and Barack knows that.  He has nothing but respect for our unassuming neighbors to the north.”


Some workers in the Tar Sands industry, though, rejected the apology.  “After the HRC is done skinning Mark Steyn, I want my reparations, too!” insisted one local worker.  “My feelings are bruised beyond repair, and every morning I wake up feeling like a climate criminal thanks to him.  If he can afford to spend millions of dollars to pay off Hillary Clinton’s debts, then he can throw a few thousand my way.  I know my rights!”

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June 26, 2008

Sorry Slublog

I had to.


For Obama's trusty steed, Wrightmare, FACECOCK!

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June 24, 2008

Eric Holder Enters Advisor Protection Program

Obama Vice Presidential advisor Eric Holder entered the FBI’s Advisor Protection program today amidst rumors that he would soon be run down by an out-of-control bus.  The rumors, stoked largely by right-wing hate sites such as HotAir, had FBI officials worried that the recent history of Obama advisors being run down might repeat itself.


“We’re taking these allegations very seriously,” said Samantha Wright, head of the Advisor Program.  “Our profilers tell us we’re dealing with a sociopath here, who time and again hurls those who displease him beneath a rhetorical bus at the first sign of trouble.  We don’t want Mr. Holder to become his latest victim.”


Agents said that Holder was being held in a secure location “to prevent anyone from getting to know him better and discovering that they didn’t know him very well to begin with.”

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Huckabee said to be Mulling Potential Gaffes

Sources close to former Republican frontrunner and overall attention whore Mike Huckabee said that the Baptist Minister is considering making a “major gaffe” regarding Barack Obama.  While the nature of the gaffe is not fully revealed, the source did say that it was of either an ethnic or faith background.


“Basically, Huck’s upset that he’s not getting the attention of major-league faith leaders like Father Pfleger or Reverend Wright,” said one source.  “And he figures that since those guys got a lot of attention by being close to Obama and spewing anti-white hate, he’ll try the other side of the coin and go traditional racist.”


The former staffer said the plan is probably what prompted Obama’s bizarre claims over the weekend about upcoming Republican tactics.  “When Obama said that Republicans would try racist attacks, this was probably what he had in mind,” the confidential source said.  “It’s pretty well-established this campaign that white guys from Arkansas are going to use racist code words to criticize Barack.  And you know who’s a white guy from Arkansas?  Mike Huckabee.”


But not everyone agreed that the gaffe would be race-related.  “I think he’ll question Obama’s sexuality,” said one former Huckabee volunteer now working on the Bob Barr campaign.  “Huck wants to be the populist demagogue, and he can’t do that as long as Obama has the fruitcake coalition sewn up.  But if he can get those swooning nimrods up front at Brother Huck’s Socialist Revival, watch out!”

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June 23, 2008

Hansen Warns Congress on Polar Bears

Climate scientist James Hansen told a Congressional committee today that unless swift and certain action is taken, “within a few years we will be facing a Polar Bear invasion the likes of which humanity will barely survive.”


“This is an issue that we need to tackle now, by trimming surplus human population and crippling the economy, before it becomes too late,” Hansen said in his statement.  "The Northwest Passage, closed since the age of dinosaurs, will open up and expose our northern waterways to ice floes that will regularly come from the North Pole.  On these frozen barges, likely guided by pilot monkeys, will come the Polar Bears, seeking to extract vengeance for our wanton consumerism.”


Hansen painted a bleak picture for cities on the Great Lakes  such as Chicago or Detroit.  “Armies of these giant, killer bears wandering desolate cities, eating what few survivors remain trying to glean a life off of rainwater and abandoned radioactive sludge,” Hansen predicted.  “Then, the Bears will strike south, down the Mississippi, rupturing fragile levees and destroying farmland like a plague of two-ton carnivorous locusts.”


After his statement Hansen answered questions, saying at one point that “it’s now time to panic, crack each other’s heads open and feast on the goo inside.”

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June 20, 2008

Taliban Forces Storm Second Prison

In a daring dawn attack, over a thousand Taliban militants stormed a provincial prison in Afghanistan and gained entry in a few short minutes.  Once inside, they demanded to be held without trial “until the Americans go away and stop massacring us.”


“We are not in a hurry to get our eternal reward,” said the leader of the militants.  “And it is quite clear that the Americans are not hesitant to drop cluster bombs on us or raid captured villages and kill us like the dogs that we are.  Quite frankly, it’s safer in here, so we’d prefer to stay.”


Not everyone was happy with the mass surrender, though.  One prisoner said “how are we to know that the Americans will not bomb the prison to punish them for breaking in?  I’d prefer that they stayed outside and got slaughtered like proper Mujahdeen.”


Although the doors of the prison were open for half the day no prisoners showed any desire to escape and rejoin their brethren in the hills, calling the outside world “ a deathtrap.”

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June 19, 2008

I have had it with these motherf*cking Tron Guys on this motherf*cking plane!

I would have thought he'd have a lightcycle built for himself.  Tron Guy has wanted to buy himself a plane for 20 years, and finally got around to getting himself one, the plane of course uses Tron themes in its paint job, and yes, there are pics of Tron Guy with his plane.  Obligatory, and horrifying,

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Invisible Hand Warns on Nationalization

At a press conference in Caracas, the Invisible Hand told reporters that it is “more than capable” of destroying the US economy should Democrats proceed with widespread nationalization of health care and energy services.


“This isn’t a Baghdad Bob warning, either”, the Hand said.  “It might look like I’ve got my hands full wrecking Venezuela and scattering the ashes of the Zimbabwe economy, but trust me on this: I can come bitch-slap any country anywhere that decides to nationalize key industries.  Adam Smith said Invisible Hand, but it’s more like an army of Invisible Hecatonchires.”


It added “if you don’t know what that means, look it up, and next time get an education in the classics, dumbass.”


[Editor: the hecatonchires were hundred-handed giants in Greek Myth]


Economists said that Congress would be wise to listen to the Invisible Hand.  “He’s got hundreds of years of experience throttling economies around the globe,” said one.  “Of course he knows what he’s capable of.  And the Invisible Hand never makes threats, he just does stuff.  Like drive the price of oil up when there’s more demand than supply.”



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Land Developer with Ties to Obama Indicted

The Obama campaign received more bad news this morning when a federal judge handed down indictments against construction company Holey Dynamite.  Closely tied with Obama foreign affairs consultant Winnie the Pooh, HD’s chairman, Gopher, is also a noted Democratic financier and is reputed to have connections to the Hundred Acre Mafia.

At the center of the investigation are a series of construction deals made between Pooh and Gopher during the development of the Hundred Acre Resort and Casino, from which Pooh and several of his friends profited when HD converted the rural area into one of the country’s hottest resort destinations.


The project had been the source of tensions between Gopher’s company and the local Heffalump residents, who have repeatedly alleged that Pooh and his friends harassed them in order to drive them off of their lands for a fraction of their value.



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June 16, 2008

If anyone laughs at you for saying you're voting for Zombie Reagan

Send 'em this story.  A Romanian village has had the same mayor for over twenty years, but sadly, their beloved mayor died during the early hours of the latest mayoral election of a liver disease.  Voters still went out and voted for him, and he won!

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June 12, 2008

Today's Supreme Court Decision Leaves Me Little Choice

Justice Kennedy, you've been facecocked!


Now that's a funny looking facecock!

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June 11, 2008

Beating the System (among other things...)

Fed up waiting in traffic while the high occupancy vehicles fly by in the car pool lane? Bring a friend!

Drivers in New Zealand's largest city of Auckland are turning to inflatable passengers to try and beat transit lane rules.

Blow-up dolls, shop mannequins and dogs dressed up as children have all been used to try and justify driving in lanes where vehicles are required to have at least three occupants.

"There were some odd people that tried these antics," North Shore city council traffic safety manager Andre Dannhauser told Reuters.

Drivers caught trying to beat the system are fined NZ$150 (57 pounds(959 American? -MP)).
I wonder if they've created the dual traffic/indecent exposure tickets yet.

Best fucking part?
For a while some enterprising students charged a small fee to get driven past the enforcement officers, before running back up the road to repeat the trick. "The money they generated from that was not enough to pay for the beer for the thirst they generated," Dannhauser said.
BAH HAHAHAHA!!! I love Kiwis.

Update: This is funny, too. 

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It's old

How could I have possibly missed out on the FAIL blog for this long? My favorite...


But of course, that's just because I'm a misogynist. 

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June 10, 2008

Obama Policy Generator

As promised, I threw together a little Obama Policy Speech Generator as inspired by this earlier post

Check it out!  If you have any funneh ideas for policies or adjectives to describe the Iraq war, let me know and I can add them in.

Update: This is the initial prototype but we want you, the morons, to give us feedback and hopefully build this up to an entire hopey, changey stump speech with the quality of this Postmodern Essay Generator.

{doubleplusundead}  Just to make things easier, here's the format,

Live from [city or town Obama's presently in]

"Hello!  It's so wonderful be here in[name of a city he's not presently in] today!"

"You see, the thing is [insert sound of mumbling hesitation] this [negative adjective] War in Iraq has taken money away that we could be spending on something important, like [insert massive government program here]."

Update: Greetings Morons!  Thanks for the links, Ace and Snapped Shot and thanks for all the ideas The Nose On Your Face.  Be sure to visit the rest of doubleplusundead!

{doubleplusundead} A second paragraph has been added, cooked up by reader Shibumi, have fun,

People of [insert city name different from above cities], you deserve better than the policies of [insert random Republican.] My [insert a different large government program] will bring prosperity to [insert favorite minority.] By working with our enemies [insert Western European ally] we can defeat those who deny us hope. Only then will our allies [insert enemy nation of America] give us the respect we deserve.

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June 05, 2008


 Just playing with it's vintage, duh's trend.

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June 04, 2008

He Is Risen

On this the day of our Lord and Hoper's final ascension, reader Joseph provides this piece of divine Inspiration


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