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In what comes as a final, shattering blow to the Republicans' hopes in 2008, former Vice President and conservative standard-bearer Dan Quayle endorsed Barack Obama for president today.
 
Quayle, who was once a rising star in the conservative movement only to find himself a national laughingstock after his debate with Lloyd Bentsen, said that this election was important "to correct some historical mistakes."
 
"I am confident that four years of listening to Joe Biden will leave people yearning for me," Quayle said to a roomful of reporters who had missed their plane.  "After his stupid mouth costs us allies and drags us into wars, my arguing over the spelling of tomato will seem like small potatoes.  At least my rhetorical flourishes were never slanderous or revealed shocking incompetence."
 
He went on to note that he is afraid of Sarah Palin, because "she didn't wilt under the media glare like I did, which means she must have a steely heart which harbors only hatred for her enemies."

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Posted by: plebian at 05:48 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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...chances are you're a retard and you're gonna hate this.  On the other hand, if you're not the kind of doofus who chuckles at the lowest of low anti-Bush/Condi/Cheney jokes, and if you feel for Joe the Plumber, you might just get a chuckle.  Or a sense of righteous anger.  Either way...enjoy.

Posted by: Sean M. at 04:01 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama struggled in a live interview this morning on popular New Orleans TV station WFAK when asked to explain some statements by his running mate, Senator and village idiot Joe Biden.
 
While no video was yet available, a transcript was provided on the station website of the interview between reporter Barbara Wright and Obama.  It is reproduced below the fold.
more...

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Hollywood superstar Daffy Duck today confirmed reports that he had donated thousands of dollars to various Democratic candidates, and said that in his estimates nine out of ten cartoon stars support Barack Obama for president.
 
"Everybody I know is hoping for Obama to win it," said Mr. Duck.  "That's why cartoon stars as diverse as Mickey Mouse and Felix the Cat have come together to support him.  Even Popeye, like most other members of the cartoon military, is voting Obama this year."
 
Like many early cartoon stars, Mr. Duck has seen his box-office appeal slump in recent years as computer-generated cartoons manufactured overseas have come to dominate the industry.  "Obama will change that, though," Duck said.  "He supports tariffs on studios that do cartooning outside the US, to help us regain our competitive edge.  I've urged all my friends to do everything they can to help him get elected.  That's why I've been so pleased to see that they all show up on his donor list, even Doctor Feelgood, who I had thought was strongly apolitical."
 
"And it's not just Obama, either," Mr. Duck continued.  "We're contributing to those down-the-line Democrats as well, including one of our own, the cartoonish Al Franken."
 
Support for the Democrats was far from universal, though.  Perhaps the most famous holdout is Bugs Bunny's foil, Elmer Fudd, who is also president of the National Animated Rifle Association.  Fudd, who like most 70-year-olds now suffers from early-onset dementia and a severe speech impediment, said in a statement that "we must be vewy, vewy, qwuiet, because I'm hunting wabbits."

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Thanks to inside sources close to Obama campaign, I have managed to procure a copy of the list of crises that they think will present a clear and present danger within the first 90 days of an Obama presidency.  Further, they've outlined what they think the most probably response of President Obama would be, and taken the pains to outline some other scenarios which present better outcomes.
 
I understand that the list has not yet been reviewed by Obama, because he's been too busy working on his acceptance speech for the 2012 inauguration.  But here it is, as imagined by his own campaign:
 
The Moose Shot Heard 'Round the World
 
Dangerous radical Sarah Palin, known member of the Alaska Independence Party, will formally secede from the United States and declare Alaska an independent theocracy as punishment for losing the presidential election.  The breakaway province will likely be supported by both Russia, to weaken the US, and by Canada as punishment for rewriting NAFTA.
 
Obama's Response:  "So long, rednecks!  Don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you!"
 
Better Response:  Implore the UN to insert peacekeeping forces in Alaska to secure a long-lasting peace similar to what is enjoyed in spots around the world where the blue-helmeted soldiers have become synonymous with peace and harmony.
 
Flowergate
 
When a group of eager Cub Scouts tramples the White House garden, first lady Michelle Obama will be furious and insist that the President "show those rude boys proper behavior."  She may even insist on corporal punishment.
 
Obama's Response:  With a fearsome will reminiscent of Walter Mitty, Obama will call the Cub Scouts in for a meeting.  In a hilarious turn of events, Obama will end up as Pack leader and take the boys on a campout where, after a series of misadventures, he will end up swamping his canoe and lighting his shoes on fire.
 
Better Response:  Disband the boy scouts and require 40 hours per week of community service from every child under the age of 18, just to show that Obama is not the be trifled with.
 
A Night in Ford's Theater
 
A high school drama company stages a performance of the dreadfully unfunny "The Mouse that Roared."  The President and his entire cabinet are held hostage for four hours by the troupe, who are only slightly more lifeless than your average George Romero zombie.
 
Obama's Response:  In a tearful emergency State of the Union address, Obama announces that "this day I have surrendered, totally and without precondition, to the Grand Duchy of Fenwick.  I pray that they will be merciful and just to us, even though we don't deserve it."
 
Better Response:  All high school drama groups are outlawed.  It's just a cover for illicit drug use and people shagging in the costume rooms anyways.  And everybody knows the cool kids do debate and chess club anyways.
 
Maltese Missile Crisis
 
Long jealous of Sardinia's excessive influence over the naming of small canned fish, Malta obtains short-range missiles and insists that unless the world henceforth renames Anchovies the "Royal Sovereign Fish of Glorious Malta" they will destroy Sicily.
 
Obama's Response:  After insisting that "this is not the Malta that I thought I knew" he'll invite all parties involved over to the White House for a reconciliation dinner of his favorite dish, "Pizza with olives and Royal Sovereign Fish of Glorious Malta" and a side of "Belgian Fries" just to be on the safe side.
 
Better Response:  Surgical air strikes on Portugal which, though not involved in the controversy, should serve to prove that the US means business.  This will be followed by an angry speech by President Obama in the UN, ending with him banging his shoe on the table and shouting "we will bury you!"
 
The Thomas Cruise Incident
 
Katie Holmes shocks almost no one when she announces that she's separating from Tom Cruise, calling him "a religious weirdo" and implying that he is a closet homosexual.  Hollywood is outraged and demands that President Obama do something to set the young starlet straight, particularly to prevent Tom Cruise from ruining yet another nubile starlet, as is his wont.
 
Obama's Response:  Unable to refuse such a powerful part of the Democratic party, President Obama swings into action and requires that the couple attend weekly marriage counseling with supertherapist Dr. Phil, with Obama himself sitting in to "help heal their fractured souls."  He also creates a bill (quickly passed) requiring that all divorces must be approved by the husbands.  The bill is approved by NOW, which calls it "a significant progress in equalizing the sexes."
 
Better Response:  Those are pretty good, but also Scientology will further be recognized as "the guiding philosophical principle of the United States" since it was the religion of the founding fathers.  This will not require a constitutional change, since on the back of the constitution they find written in crayon "Scientology rules!  TJ"

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Chicago resident Princess Nudelman received some voter registration material in the mail recently.  There were only two problems: Princess is a goldfish and a dead one at that.

Why, it would be RACIST!!!!!1!!!!111eleventy!!! not to let Princess get the information?  Right?

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Looks as though somebody thought it would be a good idea to let a pony get out, eat some fermented apples, and then get drunk. With awesome hilarity to follow.

Twelve-year-old Fat Boy stumbled across the garden, and fell into the outdoor swimming pool which was covered by tarpaulin.

Sarah Penhaligon, 28, owner of the bungalow in Newquay, Cornwall, was woken at night by a "huge" splash and found the Moorland Pony in the shallow end.

She said: "I looked outside, saw this massive animal in the dark, and thought the Beast of Bodmin was in the pool. I was terrified, but when I took a closer look I realised it was a horse.

"I didn't have a clue what to do next - who do you call when there's a horse stuck in your swimming pool?

"I dialled 999 and they asked which service I wanted and I said I didn't know, I just had a horse in my pool and needed help."

Fire crews spent two hours building a set of hay steps in the pool, and hoisted the animal out of the water at 5am with the help of several harnesses.

The pony had escaped from the nearby Trenance riding stables. A spokesman said horses were known to get 'punch drunk' from eating too many apples.

She said: "It looks like he was scrounging for apples in the garden and fell in when he trod on the tarpaulin over the pool.

"It's a good job he's got a lot of bulk, as it kept him warm while he was stuck in the water.

Posted by: eddiebear at 12:01 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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If you've heard any good ones or have come up with a good one of your own, leave it in the comments. I'll get the ball rolling with one I posted in Treacher's comments yesterday:

Q: Why did Bill Ayers cross the road?

A: RRRRRRRRAAAAAACISSSSST!!!

I know, I know, I said good jokes. But it's not like I'm getting paid for this shit.

Posted by: Sean M. at 12:53 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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Posted by: Sean M. at 11:59 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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(h/t)

Posted by: Sean M. at 01:34 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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One of the candidates in this election is a hero who flew missions against a country that aligned itself with an Evil Empire.  The other is a whiny little bitch who sees himself as a member of the Rebellion*, even though he was only eight years old when the Rebellion started, and is ambivalent about his father, who he never knew...


more...

Posted by: Sean M. at 05:49 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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David Burge has the shocking truth behind the global financial meltdown.  He also lays out some constructive solutions for how we can get out of it.  Read the whole thing.

Posted by: Sean M. at 06:47 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Ace has challenged readers to come up with some famous Andrew Sullivan quotes.  As you all know, I am a great Sullivan fan.  So I reproduce here some of his greatest quotes (links not available due to small-minded DPUD posting guidelines).

Here are just a few of the bon mots that he has favored us with over the years.

His response to Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction:  "I am gobsmackingly gobsmacked by this.  I always felt that if any Jackson was going to force me to question my sexuality, it'd have been Tito."

And how could any of us forget the chain of heart-wrenching posts he wrote just after 9/11 that helped bring us all together:  "My secret shame:  I eat urinal cakes", "Urinal Cakes are tasty", and "Fresh Breath the Sullivan Way: Urinal Cakes are Free and Bite-Sized in Most Gas Station Restrooms."

 Who among us didn't shiver when he wrote "Ich ben ein Berliner"? Or something like that.  I remember some bullshit in German, anyway, but it might have been something about being infested with chiggers.  Yeah, that was it:  "Ich ben ein chiggercrotchenshitz."  Anyway, dumbass Ace only posts in English, and that poorly.

There's his description of the Bush cabinate just before the 2006 elections:  "Like the Three Stooges, if Moe was actually Torquemada and instead of hitting the dowager with a pie they tied her down, tortured her, murdered her children, defiled her, and then forced her to give them campaign contributions, all while Bush laughing on and on like a latter-day Nero as our freedoms burned around our ears."

Of course, no Sullivan oeuvre would be complete without mentioning this one:  "I've self-presciently identified my own heroic failing: I care too much, coupled with my overwhelming desire to do naught but harm, like a living avatar of the Hyppocratic Oath.  That, coupled with my steely demeanor and cool detachment, means that I shall always run the risk of being too true to my bedrock ideals of conservatism and guarding our fragile liberty from those who would take it, like a urinal cake without a plastic sheath that is exactly the size of a Mentos."

Posted by: plebian at 04:11 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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The endorsements continued to roll in for Barack Obama, with yet another major national organization urging its members to turn out for the Democratic hopeful for president.  It represented another major blow to the campaign of John McCain, whose operatives had been privately hopeful that they could seal up at least one more undecided before November.
 
Hugh Jass, president of the Fake People's Association, sent a chain e-mail to reporters earlier today notifying them of the decision.  "This election represents a watershed for fake people," Jass wrote.  "We've contributed heavily to Obama and we voted for him in droves in the Democratic primaries, because we haven't had a candidate who so clearly represented our interests since Landslide Lyndon over forty years ago."
 
Jass said that in addition to the massive fundraising drive spearheaded by FPA Vice-President Asdf Qwerty, they were particularly proud of their Hollywood branch for continued support for Obama.  "I'd like to single out particularly Matt Damon and Whoopi Goldberg, who have made fake people everywhere proud with their continued support of the first true fake person candidate."

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In New York, we’re keeping our eyes on a widespread baseball-related depression, with some associated angst in Manhattan.  On Wall Street, be sure to watch for falling stock brokers.
 
Expect continued euphoria and elatement in the Boston area, with the return of insufferablility likely by the end of October.
 
In the Washington DC area, today’s weather calls for widespread blamestorming, with possible floods of incompetence on Capitol Hill.  Those going outside are advised to wear hip waders.
 
For residents of the South, we will not present weather, because it appears clear from reports that they are all ignorant rednecks who can’t read anything more complicated than a Bazooka Joe comic.
 
Florida’s brief Indian Summer should end soon with the collapse of the Rays and the Dolphins, but weather patters are difficult to predict in the “America’s Wang.”
 
Those in the Great Lakes region are advised to stay indoors to avoid the severe disillusionment in the area, coupled with severe regret in the Green Bay area.  Those in Chicago are advised to watch for falling Cubs fans.
 
Turning to the Midwest, we expect the drought of respect to continue.
 
California’s outlook is positive, except for San Francisco, which continues to suffer from self-induced effects Hurricane Pelosi.  This situation is expected to continue for some time.
 
In Nashville, expect clouds of verbal obfuscation, followed by massive media coverup and boosterism, with a fifty percent possibility of statistical improbability.  Those going outside are advised to watch for falling Republicans.

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GLAD today held a press conference urging candidates of both parties to cool their rhetoric, pleading for calm as the election heats up heading into the upcoming vote in November. 
 
“We’re watching the situation very closely, of course,” said GLAD spokesman Lars Handzchappen.  “We at the Glove Lovers of American Democracy feel very strongly that these anti-glove statements by both parties need to be repudiated in order to prevent a rash of anti-glove violence like we saw in the early 90’s.”
 
The press conference was hastily called following the McCain campaign’s announcement that “the gloves are coming off”, which the group feels should be classified as anti-glove hate speech.  GLAD earlier condemned Barack Obama for similar rhetoric following the conventions in September.
 
Handzchappen told reporters that “anti-glove violence reached its peak in the late 80’s, led by the fiery rhetoric of Reverend Al Yankovich, and there were documented incidents of glove violence throughout the country, particularly in the South.  We thought we’d left this shameful legacy behind us, but it’s reared its ugly head this election, along with a lot of other –isms that we’d rather not talk about.”
 
Some political observers feel that the constant cries of Gloveism are likely to backfire.  Typical was a Politico analyst who said that “repeated cries of Gloveism are starting to grate on voters and they’re tuning out, like those stupid UPS commercials with that dick and the white board.  Only Gloveism isn’t filling anybody with murderous rage…yet.”
 
For its part, GLAD feels that “unfortunately, gloveism is real and it needs to be addressed, preferably through intrusive school curriculums designed to teach children what types of behavior are and are not wrong.”

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Gwen Ifill has been given the green light by, er, a very prestigious, totally unbiased panel.

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