April 30, 2009

Unfortunate Texts

Via Instapundit, some awesome.  You're welcome.

I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 05:50 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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100 Days of Awesomeness

In honor of 100 days of being presided over by the most awesome president in the history of presidents, I give to you this list of 100 awesome things you may not know about Barack Obama.  But you should know them, because simply knowing these will make your life more awesome.
 
Barack Obama is so awesome that…
 
1 He doesn't molycoddle New Yorkers; instead, he scares them straight, just like juvenile delinquents
2 The PBA changed their rules: now the lowest score wins
3 He wears his sunglasses at night
4 Treasury Department?  He don't need no stinkin' Treasury Department
5 The cynical hearts of teenagers sing with joy unfurled at his coming to hand them mountains of debt they can never hope to repay
6 Nine out of 10 reporters agree: he tastes great and he's less filling
7 He blows off allies, prostrates himself to kings, and sucks up to dictators in the name of "smart diplomacy"
8 And he looks damn good doing it, too
9 His dog's not only from Portugal, but it's from underwater, too
10 Turkey's not just for Thanksgiving, but for the EU, too
11 When he fights the law, he wins
12 When his wife twisted off the Queen of England's head like a beer cap, he reattached it with nothing more than the sweat of his brow
13 You can see his awesomeness from space
14 He fires CEOs like other presidents change socks
15 He can hold two contradictory opinions and still be the model of consistency
16 White House maids report that the Presidential Toilet smells like roses and honey even when he forgets to flush
17 He encourages hate-mongers to moderate themselves via his silent presence, like he did at the Summit of the Americas.  Or in his church.
18 His Teleprompter has a blog that's more popular than this one
19 North Korea launched a satellite to confirm #13
20 Iran did, too
21 Even gravity's not a constant when he smiles at it
22 When he gets a haircut, his awesomeness actually diminishes by 0.0027%
23 Yes, that's right: even his trimmed hairs are more awesome than you are
24 That's why he needs his barber flown in from Illinois.  Lesser barbers might trim his awesomeness by even more than that
25 He is the walrus
more...

Posted by: plebian at 04:55 PM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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If I've Told You Once, I've Told You A Thousand Times: The Potato Was Not Meant For This Use

But these fellas are creative.

 

 

Posted by: eddiebear at 09:34 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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April 28, 2009

Billy Mays Here

Those that know how I'm feeling lately will especially appreciate the woman's line at the end.


Posted by: Moron Pundit at 12:00 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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April 27, 2009

CDC Warns on Risk to Journalists

The CDC today reissued a public health warning to all journalists and media personnel to remind them of the dangers posed by "White Throat", which has now reached Epidemic status owing to the thousandth reported case.  The disease has been spreading since February 2008, although health officials had hoped that its recent remission since November of last year meant it had been stamped out completely.
 
The condition affects primarily journalists (both online and print) and pundits working in television, with few reported cases in radio broadcasters.  It is characterized by the viscous, white, mucousy discharge which can clog the afflicted person's airways. 
 
The latest victim of the disease was online political analyst and social trends expert Sam Fulwood III.  Unconfirmed reports indicate that only prompt intervention by White Throat treatment expert Dr. Jenna Jameson saved him from having serious injuries.
 
Jameson said that in most cases, swallowing is the only known method to "restore the integrity of the air passage."  She said the condition occurs when the substance arrives without warning, catching the victim off-guard, and is typically caused by "a lack of respect and common courtesy between like-thinking individuals."
 
Like most victims of White Throat, Fulwood III is expected to make a full recovery, although experts fear he may suffer the condition's after effects, which can include depression, increased taxation, and feelings of betrayal, with some constipation also possible.  Cognitive dissonance often lasts for three to five months after an attack as well, though this usually fades over time.
 
Noted sufferers of White Throat include political writer Christopher Buckley and TV icon Chris Matthews, who has had well-publicized battle with the disease almost daily for the past year.

Posted by: plebian at 04:36 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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April 22, 2009

Chainsawsuit

careful with that zipper, bub

More here.

Posted by: Alice H at 12:36 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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April 21, 2009

Pac-Man fever

This is pretty damn funny,

Posted by: doubleplusundead at 07:28 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Hot dogs and beer

That might be the way out of this economic crisis. Or is it?

OHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!

Posted by: Sean M. at 04:26 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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April 14, 2009

The Onion Shoots and Scores

I know a lot of you don't read Allahpundit so I thought I'd pass it along.

Why?  Because it is worth it.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 09:04 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Glenn Beck May Be A Bit Off His Rocker, But He Sure can Bring Teh Crazee

Posted by: eddiebear at 10:09 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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April 13, 2009

Don't mess with a SEAL

And not because they'll snipe you on a boat on a rolling ocean.  There are four young punks in Houston who are awfully lucky that this guy showed some remarkable restraint.  I don't think anyone would have blamed him for finishing the job.

Posted by: Alice H at 11:33 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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April 12, 2009

There's Buzzed, There's Tipsy, There's Soused, There's Hammered...

Then there's this guy.

A Russian man survived after downing three bottles of vodka and leaping from a fifth-floor balcony - twice.

Alexei Roskov says he jumped the second time because he couldn't take his wife's nagging about the first time.

Roskov's wife, Yekaterina, had watched in horror as her drunken husband opened the kitchen window of their Moscow apartment, and hurled himself out.

Astonishingly Roskov, 22, survived and managed to stagger back upstairs with barely a scratch after the fall.

But while his wife called for an ambulance and began to scold him, he jumped again.

Amazed medics treated Roskov for minor cuts and bruises before releasing him.

Roskov says he is now 100-percent sober after giving up drinking, and added: "Now I can say just one thing - I was very lucky.


Wow. But give this guy credit for his determination to go beyond the bounds of mere intoxication into the Hall Of Fame Of Drunkenness.

Posted by: eddiebear at 10:47 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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April 09, 2009

Taken out of context

"Would you fly around and have someone give you oral sex?"

Posted by: Alice H at 07:13 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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April 08, 2009

Full Metal Jacket had an offensive phrase?

Who knew? Apparently not Nintendo.

Did I say that?
Specifically, the character of Baarbara the sheep greets players by using a racial epithet (pictured) in a modified form commonly used as a greeting in hip-hop culture. The line also includes a line of dialogue from the film Full Metal Jacket that Asian-Americans might find offensive. Wild World lets players customize greetings, and it appears that the objectionable wording was inserted using that function.

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April 04, 2009

Some more Stoaty classics

S. Weasel always brings teh funny.

Posted by: doubleplusundead at 02:11 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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April 01, 2009

Top Ten Gift Suggestions for Obama to Give to the Queen (etc...)

Since David Letterman can't come up with any way to make fun of Obama in his Top Ten lists, I thought we'd help him with some comedy gold.

Besides an iPod, here are some top ten gift suggestions for Obama to give to Queen Elizabeth.

10. Shamwow
 9.  Snuggie
 8.  Chia Pet
 7.  Sea Monkeys
 6.  Mighty Putty
 5.  The Hover-Round
 4.  Dual Action Cleanse (in case the Queen accidentally ingests the Mighty Putty)
 3.  Video Professor's Learn to Speak English video series
 2.  Barack Obama Presidential Commemorative Coins

and the number one gift is...

more...

Posted by: conservativebelle at 09:30 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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