March 30, 2009

I May Not Like My Mother-In-Law, But This Is Ridiculous

I mean, it's just better to post snarky, passive-aggressive comments about her behind a wall of fake intertube goodness.

Bosnian Miroslav Miljici wanted revenge after blaming his wife's mum for the break-up of his marriage.

And when his mother-in-law survived the rocket attack on her home, he tried to finish her off with a machine gun, a court in Doboj, Bosnia, was told.

Amazingly, she survived both attacks with barely a scratch, judges heard.

In defence Miljici - jailed for six years for attempted murder - told the court he could no longer take his mother-in-law's nagging.

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March 26, 2009

O vs C: Foreign Policy

In what may become a regular series, I'd like to being comparing and contrasting the Carter and Obama administration.  Why these two?  Well, they're both horrendously unqualified naiveties who find themselves at the levers of power due to a ridiculously unpopular, villified predecessor.

Today, we'll focus on Foreign Policy.

Carter's Foreign Policy can be summed up thusly: allowing the enemies of the United States to kick us in the metaphorical groin, grinning stupidly, throwing on a cardigan, and saying "thank you, sir, can I have another?"

Obama's Foreign Policy:  Yelling "Hey, I think you missed one of my balls!  Want another shot?"

That's all we have time for today.  Tune in next time, when we'll continue unraveling the Gordian knot of incompetence that is the Obama Administration.

[Note:  I edited out the insult above, becuase I don't think it was clear I was making fun of Obama's gaffes re: England, but rather thought it looked like I was throwing the slur, which wasn't my intention.  We've got plenty of enemies who don't fit into the slur I used.  Writing is like crossing the street: you gotta look twice.]

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March 23, 2009

Obama to Convert US to Metric System

In another move to help strengthen the flagging US economony and unfreeze the credit markets, President Obama today announced that he was issuing Executive Decree #4, instructing the US government and all contractors to henceforth work solely in the metric system.

"Today the United States declares its unity with the rest of the world," Obama read from his teleprompter to a group of silently awestruck reporters.  "With this move we not only give a strong boost to our economy, but we also help to raise, maintain, or keep from sinking the test scores of our struggling math students.  This one change impacts every single aspect of our lives in America for the better!"

He noted that the change was also green.  "Instead of cars getting an atrocious gas mileage of 20 miles per gallon, now they get 850 kilometers per hundred liters!"

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton hailed the changeover as essential to efforts in diplomacy.  "Now traveling Americans can easily and quickly change from US Dollars to French Francs, German Marks, or the UK's Euro without having to worry about confusing and contradictory currency conversions based on the length of King George's fingers."

Vice President Joe Biden, who had pushed for the move since before the inaguration, told reporters that "now I know how many ounces make a furlong: six hundred!" 

The White House announced that Secretary of Energy Steven Chu will also take on the role of "Metric Czar", as he is the only "scientific-type dude" who understands the conversions between the various and sundry units.

To mark the announcement, Obama issued another of his patented wisecracks, remarking that "as my Economic Advisor Larry Summers is fond of saying, the metric system is so simple that even math retards and women can use it!"

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March 16, 2009

The Obama Gift List

Thanks to my sources inside the White House, I've managed to get a copy of the top-secret Obama administration official gift list for this coming Christmas:
 
Gordon Brown, UK Prime Minister:  Official "Action Barack" figure, with electronic sound and lights teleprompter.  Retail value:  $20, available at Barack.Com.
Desired return gift:  Bronze bust of Neville Chamberlain.
 
Vladimir Putin, Pseudo-Czar of Russia:  Poland, Ukrania, and however much of Czechoslovakia he wants (or whatever it's called these days).
Desired return gift:  An expression of 'disappointment' after Iran nukes Israel
 
Hugo Chavez, Venezuelan Strongman:  Colombia.
Desired return gift:  Signed photo of Fidel Castro.
 
Nicholas Sarkozy, French Prime Minister: 
Desired return gift:  Ennui.
 
Mahmoud Ahmenidijad, Iranian President:  Detailed design blueprints of Air Force One, so that Iran will have collected the whole set.
Desired return gift:  Nothing.
 
???, Israeli Prime Minister:  No gift for those who don't celebrate Christmas.
Desired return gift:  Dissolution of their state.
 
Bashir Assad, Syrian Dictator:  Current status of known disposition of Israeli military.
Desired return gift:  Promise to think about beginning to talk seriously about meeting to set conditions to discuss prenegotiations to move towards a lasting arrangement for a framework for the redefinition of the political status of Lebanon
 
Wen Jiabao, Head Bureaucrat, China:  Taiwan.
Desired return gift:  Please oh please oh please don't call in our debt until after 2016.
 
Nuri al-Maliki, Iraqi Prime Minister:  There is no gift for this country until they admit that I was right about everything, even the stuff that contradicted the other stuff, and that George W. "Scapegoat" Bush was wrong about absolutely everything.
 
George W. Bush, former President:  Investigations, investigations, investigations.
Desired return gift:  Please continue to keep a low profile and let me continue to blame you for everything.
 
US Population:  $768 billion more stimulus.
Desired return gift:  $1,942 billion more taxes.
 
Stephen Harper, Canadian Prime Minister:  Still more double-talk on NAFTA.
Desired return gift:  Credulity.

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March 04, 2009

It's sad because it's funny because it's true

Iowahawk has an excellent guest column by Christopher Buckl—er, that is—T. Coddington Van Vorhees VII, diagnosing what's wrong with conservatism today. 

(Hint: It's us.)

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