September 30, 2008
“We at the People for the Ethical Treatment of Idiots want everyone to remember that their friends, loved ones, or even they themselves might, in fact, be an idiot. Just because the population of PETA Is fully stocked with idiots doesn’t mean that we can discriminate against them. Even though we want to.”
PETI also said that those who mistakenly watched the video of chickens being defoliated by high-pressure air should have known better than to click on a scantily-clad Pamela Anderson in hopes of seeing her naked.
“Rode hard and put away wet?” said a PETI member. “More like half past skanky, quarter ‘till cadaver.”
PETI spokeswoman Lindsay Lohan said the problem should be discussed more openly. “You could be an idiot and not even know it, like those people who are poor because they don’t know that you need money in order to not be poor.”
A PETI statement said that they wanted to remind people that “there’s a good reason Lohan is our spokeswoman.”
“Just the smug from San Francisco alone could power the Eastern seaboard!” said Green Party chairman Karl Lenin. “And if we can get even one of the smug generators in West Hollywood or Beverly Hills operating, we’d be able to power every state west of the Rockies! Except for Wyoming, home of Dick Cheney and a festering hellhole that should be depopulated.”
A spokesman for the governor called it “yet another nail in the coffin of Arnold’s political career and a clear sign that the constitutional ban on non-citizens running for president was a very good thing.”
Scientists pointed out that there is no known way to turn smug into anything other than annoyance, but other than global warming they are typically wrong about everything, so they may be ignored.
Millionaire investor T. Boone Pickens said he looked forward to selling the Smug Collectors, because “whether or not they work I’ll get my millions selling them.”
Al Gore said that while encouraging, the step didn’t go far enough. “We’ve reached a tipping point, a veritable point of no return, where we are over the knife edge and past the event horizon. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m out of trite phrases, and I have to go now because I just got word that another one of my houses has been burned to the ground.”
September 29, 2008
There were no reported injuries.
The move comes just after Gore exhorted his followers to act with “civil disobedience” against any organization which might be harming the earth by carbon emissions. It was not clear at press time whether or not Mr. Gore had intended himself to be a target, and he was unavailable for comment due to being en route to Swaziland via private jet to collect the 2008 “Good Citizen’s Award for Fossil Fuel Avoidance.”
A spokesman for the protestors said that they intended to find Gore’s boat, which they had christened “The Goreitania”, and sink it as well.
“Al won’t mind,” he said. “He’s cool with us tearing stuff up and breaking windows to slake our thirst for environmental justice. After all, we’re just helping him live more simply, like when George Bush beat him in 2000 and retired him from politics. That’s why from now on, I’m voting Republican, to give our messiahs more time to concentrate on their vision!”
September 25, 2008
Now all I need is a matching scepter and a royal court to serve me. Muhahahahahaha!
In case you were wondering*.
Only people who love to eat moose cock care about black people and joos. Luckily, Alcee Hastings loves the moose cock. Can't get enough.
Like Alcee says, "Why shoot a buck-load into a moose when you can have a moose shoot a load into your mouth?"
P.S.: Meandering, barely-coherent mega-rant coming this afternoon. It is so absurdly shitty I am considering putting it back on Moron Pundit.
September 24, 2008
“Even my own kin won’t trust me with money,” he said in a news conference attended by three disinterested reporters who were protesting Sarah Palin’s appearance at the UN. “And I ain’t had a decent job in nigh on a decade. But when those bank guys come ‘round handing out cash, what’m I supposed to do? My mama didn’t raise no fools, but theirs shore did.”
Barney Frank insisted that Mudflap was completely wrong, and that the dissolute former dead-animal collector deserved even more money. “I absolutely refuse to believe that the Cletus P. Mudflaps of this world are somehow a higher risk to give money to than the Richie Rich’s! I refuse to!”
Frank vowed to continue to use his political power to force banks to hand over money without even the slightest idea of whether or not the recipient had a snowball’s chance of paying it back.
September 23, 2008
Observers said that while the development showed a lot of promise, they hoped that the McCain campaign would go even further. “I’d like to see her allowed out on her own, even if it’s just for short trips around the corner or to go ask the neighbor for some sugar,” said an analyst from Politico. “She’s getting to be a big girl, and this continual hand-holding is becoming awkward.”
A spokesman for the McCain campaign said they had no doubt about Palin’s capabilities, but that McCain “wanted to be sure that she was set up for success in the high-pressure world of presidential politics. We don’t want her sleeping on rubber sheets forever, but we certainly don’t want her inevitable teething troubles to set her back too far.”
September 22, 2008
The Obama campaign today downplayed reports that VP nominee Joe Biden had issued a veiled threat in support of gun rights, instead insisting that the audio was responsible for turning a discussion of hair care into a more serious threat against his running mate and presidential nominee Barack Obama.
"He said that he loved his barrette," said a spokeswoman for the campaign. "It ties into his sleepover imagery of having a big slumber party to solve all of America's problems. Joe Biden said that if anybody tried to take his shotgun dryer or his barrette, he'd be upset. And the right-wing noise machine has turned it into this big thing, which it is so totally not."
For his part, Biden apologized if anyone misunderstood. "That's just the way we talk where I'm from: loudly, with lots of non-sequiters, and very little forethought. If anybody doesn't like that, they can vote McCain-Palin, since they think things through a hell of a lot more than we do. Now, I'm gonna go kick my dog."
The campaign later clarified that Biden would not be available for further comments until July 2009.
As a concerned conservative Christian, I've been doing some research. Like most rock-ribbed values voters, I've voted Republican in every presidential election since I was born, often committing election fraud to do it. But this time it will be different. Barack Obama is not the same candidate that the Democrats have proposed in the past. He's better. Purer. Let me explain:
John Kerry fought in Vietnam, and only had the courage to fight against the war after he'd come back from it. He lacked perspective.
Barack Obama has always had proper perspective on the Iraq debacle, and fought against it in the Illinois Senate, just like how Lincoln ginned up the Civil War from the same forum in order to emancapate slaves.
Al Gore was hesitant to embrace environmentalism, only truly going Green after he'd left his presidential aspirations beihnd.
Barack Obama's abiding commitment to the environment has kept him from holding an honest job or creating any value for his entire working career.
Bill Clinton brought disgrace upon the office of President by hobnobbing with foreign terrorists from Ireland to Palestine, as well as turning the Lincoln bedroom into a bed and breakfast.
Barack Obama promises only to meet with those terrorists who are also heads of state or educational-reform projects.
Michael Dukakis looked ridiculous riding around in a tank, because he was the only one in it.
Barack Obama couldn't even fit in his tank, because it's jam-packed with media members and celebrities.
Walter Mondale was so desperate for votes that he picked a female running mate just to get some attention.
Barack Obama believes that a woman's place is in the Republican party.
September 21, 2008
The rogue MILF groups (about ten percent of the total MILF) are improvising, but are unable to pull off this portraying themselves as victims bit. In the last ten days, the army has seized several MILF camps, putting over a thousand of their inhabitants on the run.You see? What can I possibly do with that? I'm afraid my hands are tied, people.
September 20, 2008
September 19, 2008
Big Time Content Warning on this one.
The American Association for the Protection of Strawmen (AAPS) issued a statement today that they were very concerned about the direction of the presidential election.
"Things usually get heated around this time of year," the statement said. "But since the conventions, our offices have seen a surge in attacks on Strawmen. Since John McCain announced his VP nominee, over six thousand strawmen per day have been tortured and murdered. We are particularly concerned by reports that both campaigns have been caught abducting strawmen from their homes."
The AAPS took the unusual step of naming several leading suspects in the ongoing attacks on Strawmen. "Particularly reprehensible has been the behavior of some so-called 'Mainstream Media' figures, who have killed four or five strawmen per show over the past few weeks. We estimate that Keith Olbermann, Daily Kos, and Time magazine are responsible for at least 10% of all Strawman-related violence."
A spokeswoman for the AAPS urged Americans of all political stripes to set aside their hostility for strawmen. "It's time that we realize that strawmen are just like us, with hopes and dreams for the future, and we should allow them to realize those dreams without living for fear that someone will jerk them up and destroy them in front of a howling, frenzied crowd without any regard for logic or reason."
That's right: they contacted me, too. If you didn't get something from them, the only thing I can say is: suck it, I'm more important than you are. As important as Ace, you might say.
Unlike Ace, I didn't let my initial fear of new experiences keep me from clicking through and taking their survey. I was sure to copy down the entire thing verbatim*, which I have reproduced below the fold.
* = Verbatim being the Latin term for "made up"
September 18, 2008
I, for one, will not let the boot-jacking cyber-brownpants scare me into silence. That's why I am proud to announce that, in service to free speech, I am initiating a new feature called Dear Andy, where you can submit your questions and have them answered by this gobsmackingly insightful man.
Here we go:
Dear Andy: What can you tell me about the e-mail circulating that says that Sarah Palin is actually the half-alien girl whose birth was shown in that documentary, V, and her sinister plan is to turn Earth over to the lizard people and their sinister Leader? Matt Damon
Matt: It's all completely true. You should be terrified. If you've ever wanted to explore the outer bounds of your sexuality with a balding, overweight conspiracy-mongering columnist whose breath smells like boogers, now would be the time to do that.
Dear Andy: If Obama wasn't calling Sarah Palin a pig with his "lipstick" comment, what was he trying to say? rEVOlutionary in Texas
rEVOlutionary: Remember that when politicians discuss pigs, they are inevitably referring to the Zionists, who are descended from pigs. So what Obama was trying to say is that he will no longer continue to support the Zionist oppression of the noble Palestinians, and that he will of course disband the sinister Israeli cabal that runs this country. But he can't be clear about it because if he did they'd have him assassinated just like Grover Cleveland.
Dear Andy: Is the stock market as bad as it looks? Should we be doing something about it? H&N, Lost in DC.
Dear Lost: Yes, you should be cracking open heads and feasting on the goo inside. You should also vote Obama, because he has shown the political courage to take on the big mortgage brokers even though he accepts lots of money from them, like a latter-day Robin Hood.
Dear Andy: I'm a lifelong Democrat, but I'm concerned about Barack Obama. I have a four-year-old, and after doing some research, I've discovered that according to his policies, she's going to be considered government property and be forced to work in a sweatshop during the day and then at night be shown mid-80's porn movies as a coercive "sex education". Also, I hear that we'll have to go to Cuba to get medical treatment. Do you know anything about this? Terrence Kinsington-Whitfield
Terrence: I'm sorry, what was your concern again? That all sounded perfectly natural to me. I particularly like the part about stalking small children.
September 16, 2008
Dear persons of all ethnicities and sexual persuasions, I'm terrified. While my heart is with my fellow liberals and their reality-driven agenda, I've been doing some serious research. I make 22,000 a year as a Community Coordinator. As far as I can tell, under Obama I'll be required to also do volunteer work and sell my hair simply to survive, and the living will come to envy the dead. What gives?
I researched this over and over, but Bill Ayers blew up my house to keep me silent and now I live in a van down by the river. Check it out for yourselves. I have always voted for the more progressive candidate, but if Obama really wants to drill our teeth for precious metals instead of our ground for oil, I have to say no thank you.
I want the Democrats to succeed, but quite frankly if the choice is between having to send my children to work in a state-owned brothel run by NAMBLA or enjoying freedom and prosperity under President McCain, I'll choose McCain, even if it means the deaths of thousands of worthless terrorists who would like to stone us all to death or cut our throats in our sleep.
Posted By: Lifelong Democrat Terrence Kinsington-Whitfield September 16, 2008 11:39 PM
September 15, 2008
But really, what does it mean to "unleash" Joe Biden? Here are some likely scenarios:
Up from the depths, 30 stories high…
Perhaps Obama is setting loose a Joe Biden that has been hidden from the electorate lo these 30 years, one whose keen rhetorical skills have been kept hidden beneath layers of verbal missteps and hair plugs. That Biden would be a forced to be reckoned with, with millions of Republicans fleeing before him. But where was that Biden when he was trying to be president?
Likelihood: Equal to another Godzilla movie with Matthew Broderick.
Release the Kraken!
Granted, there's no cackling elderly hag behind it (unless you count Randi Rhodes), but it's possible that this is a good parallel to unleashing Joe Biden. He'll run amok, destroy villages, and generally threaten his opponents until they're forced to sever the head of a gorgon and turn him to stone.
Likelihood: Poor. HDTV is less kind to hair plugs than it is to 80's-era FX.
Just a crummy commercial?
Don't forget to drink your Ovaltine, and other Democratic bromides, served up with some ad hominem attacks on the side. Ho, hum. He may not even replicate Lloyd Benson's success against Dan Quayle, and we all know how well that turned out.
Likelihood: As likely as the Bumpuss hounds not bothering dad.
May you live a thousand years, Ephialtes
You know how some things just seem like such good ideas at the time, and then when you reflect upon them for a while, you realize that it was an awful idea and you're embarrassed to have had it? I gotta think that Obama is nearing that stage right about now.
Likelihood: While Biden won't lead Obama into a trap on purpose, that won't help when fifty thousand barbed arrows are heading right at him.
Remember the Hindenburg
Just as the flaming death of the once-noble airship signaled the end of lighter-than-air aviation, so too may future PolySci majors study the "gaffe attack" of Joe Biden and discuss just how badly he ruined Obama's chances in 2008. Oh, the humanity!
Likelihood: Explosive gas + static electricity = Biden 2008.
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