September 15, 2008
(Link not available due to DPUD guidelines.)
Sullivan, who favors Obama because of his policy aims of bombing Pakistan and reinstituting the Fairness Doctrine to wrest MSNBC away from right-wing fascists, went on to give the freshman Illinois senator other advice on possible lines of attack against the GOP's Dynamic Duo:
"Why stop at McCain's actuarial certainty to be dead before inauguration day, and his incontinence incompetence with technological matters? It is a virtual fact that Sarah Palin presents a clear and present danger to world peace. I mean, can we trust someone who is irrational one week a month to have her hand on the red button?"
He also suggested that the Obama campaign explore what he calls the “Zionist Angle.â€
“As a longtime supporter of Israel and the dirty Zionists who want to bring war to the noble Arabs, John McCain needs to answer tough questions about how much of their sinister protocols he supports. And I think the MSM should investigate just how Protestant the Palins really are. How do we know they’re not really card-carrying members of the Diaspora?â€
Sullivan's advice wasn't all negative, though. He also encouraged Obama to "reconnect" with voters.
"The Democrats also need to emphasize that, given ample time to consider, their judgment yielded Joe Biden, one of the most accomplished politicians of this or any other century. McCain, also with prodigious time, choose to go for a buxom wench because she likes to kill things and make babies, activities which are anathema to every real American."
He ended with a dark warning about Christianist Zombie Fanatics:
"Any day now the drooling Christianist hordes will pour out into the street, intent on a second Inquisition that will make Torquemada look like Gandhi. It is imperative that we beat these people in November, and imprison them and their Torturer In Chief no later than next February."
"Or. We. Will. Die."
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September 12, 2008
(Figuratively, not literally, so please don't dial 911.)
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September 10, 2008
The 28in-waist Calvin Klein briefs are still in an evidence bag sealed with police tape after they were taken as evidence in a child abuse case.
The pants were confiscated in 2003 by then-Santa Barbara DA Tom Sneddon, who wanted a DNA sample for his unsuccessful child-molestation case against the 50-year-old singer.
They have been put up for sale by New Jersey businessman Henry Vacarro, who obtained them in a bankruptcy case, along with other Jackson memorabilia including a handwritten note explaining why he wants an annulment from Lisa Marie Presley and a used half-ounce tube of skin-bleaching cream.
Rumor has it that Paul 'Pee-Wee Herman' Reubens intends to bid on the underpants for marketing purposes for his new dry-cleaning chain - Drop Your Pants and Jacket Off.
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September 09, 2008
Winterneck, like many Alaskans, was a paranoid isolationist who recorded every transaction in his store for fear of future prosecution by the Government. The typed document was passed along to reporters by his former secretary, who found it in some paperwork she was cleaning out of the garage. Winterneck died in 1982 under mysterious circumstances while moose hunting.
To protect her privacy, the secretary has declined to be named or interviewed.
I've copied the explosive transcript below the fold in its original typeface:
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September 08, 2008
Andrew Sullivan, whose popular conservative online column The Daily Dish has guided the conservative movement for almost a decade, has had another of his trademark changes of heart.
Sullivan explained his reasoning as follows (link not available due to DPUD posting guidelines):
"I have discovered that Sarah Palin is actually a man; specifically, she is Karl Rove's brother who had a sex change in 1980. This entire façade is a lie designed by Christianists to justify plunging the world into chaos in hopes that it will spur the arrival of their messiah, I have come to understand."
"Furthermore, since she's a man, those children aren't hers. So whose are they? I think we can safely assume that they were kidnapped, which means that, like I said earlier, the Palin family is like the Manson family, only even more dangerous to Hollywood. They must be stopped before their drooling cultist fringe wackos can infiltrate society even more than they already have!"
Sullivan also said that he believed McCain knew exactly what he was signing on for when he drafted Palin.
"McCain's an old man, and old men are notoriously lecherous, and McCain's realized that he never experimented enough, so he's up for a woman who used to be a man. It's as close to human contact as McCain will get, since his wife is actually a prototype Japanese sex robot controlled by the Rand Corporation. Have I mentioned that, actuarially speaking, McCain is far more likely to die at any moment than, say, a mid-forties African American smoker?"
This time, though, Sullivan provided corroborating evidence for his theories:
"I received this alert from a concerned reader which finally helped me to understand the true nature of the she-devil that has taken over the Republican Party and who threatens to destroy all life as we know it on this planet as part of her mad, Christianist plot. I print it here with the concerned consent of its author:
dear andrew: i have always been a fan u should go read my blog post at trollbooger.com about Sarah Palin u will find it interesting i promise u big hearts, Peter Platt."
Sullivan ended by noting that:
"It's clear after spending a day with the Zionist warmongers AIPAC and her close proximity to known Zionists like Joe Lieberman Sarah Palin cannot be trusted. Only Barack Obama, a man untainted by any sin or scandal, can possibly be considered pristine enough to wear the mantle that is currently sullied by our torturer-in-chief, may he soon rot in jail."
"God. Help. Us. All. Not that I believe in God or anything."
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In the national race, McCain leades Obama 54-44, with 2% of respondents saying that "I wish this was over."
When separated by employment, the survey shows that 82% of people with a fakey job title (community anythings, non-medical –ologists, and over-25 students) support Obama, while only 10% support McCain. The other 8% requested information on "how to score some cheaper weed."
Among the gainfully employed, 78% support McCain, while 22% support Obama "because I think that his confiscatory tax policies are aimed at everybody else."
The big news, though, was Palin's drop in support in Alaska, where her approval rating sank from 86% down to 77% virtually overnight.
When surveyed, the 23% disapproval rating broke down into three groups:
-60% said that they didn't like her anyways
-22% responded "would like to elaborate dislike in an interview."
-10% said "I want to be on TV too just like the handful of residents that don't like her."
-8% were unable to respond further because they were preparing for TV interviews.
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September 05, 2008
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I think I know what "O-Dub" does when his local Mickey D's runs out of Filet O' Fishes.
or
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September 04, 2008
It goes without saying that the other two candidates (McCain and Biden) are essentially the same, except for one of them is an irascible iconoclast who frequently says and does things that shock his party establishment, and the other one also has hair plugs.
Difference #1: Family Relations
Sarah Palin was on stage during the convention with her family. Obama was an absentee father, speaking to his family via videolink, and was still caught lying about where he was by his oldest.
Advantage: Obama, because children need to be taught from an early age that you can't trust politicians.
Difference #2: Family Values
Obama follows the classic parental "do as I say not as I do" approach of smoking out of view. Palin lives out her pro-life values so convincingly that even her daughter got caught up with baby fever.
Advantage: Obama, because smoking makes you look cool, while kids should wait until marriage before engaging in wanton carnality.
Difference #3: Gender Relations
Palin has left the wreckage of several men's political careers in her wake. Obama has a knack for knocking off women's political aspirations.
Advantage: Obama, because everybody knows that it's a lot harder for a man to beat a woman in an election than vice-versa.
Difference #4: The Value of Life
While Palin apparently stalks and kills living creatures on a regular basis, Obama prefers to let others do his dirty work for him.
Advantage: Obama, because killing things should be left to professionals.
Difference #5: Attendance
Palin once up and quit a job without any warning at all over a perceived slight, but you can always count on Obama to be 'Present.'
Advantage: Obama, because I want to know that my duly appointed representative is present and accounted for.
Difference #6: Set Design
Obama likes the faux Greek look. Palin, not so much.
Advantage: Obama. If it was good enough for Aeschylus, then it's good enough for me.
Difference #7: Travel Style
Palin sold her governor's jet on E-Bay. Obama had his worked up with a mock presidential seal.
Advantage: Obama, because what fool gives up a private plane?
Difference #8: Acquaintances
Obama surrounds himself with wholesome friends, like ministers and English teachers and land speculators. Palin likes to consort with lowlife Eskimos, oil company executives, and shady foreign agents.
Advantage: Obama, because I'm sure that Palin's cohorts are planning on some kind of reconquista, while Obama's friends would never do such a thing.
Difference #9: Energy Policy
Palin knows exactly where in the Alaskan slope to drill for oil. Obama has at least seven or eight whole new states to explore for energy.
Advantage: Obama. Who knows what kind of mineral resources those other states might hold? Maybe there's a candy tree or a whiskey river there, too!
Difference #10: Responsiveness
When his wife was criticized, Obama declared her off-limits. When her family was criticized, Palin returned fire.
Advantage: Obama. Remember, dialogue is better than diatribe.
Overall: Obama wins, 10-0, an ultimate knockout. I move that we proceed directly to presidency by acclimation.
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Reactions to Republican VP nominee Sarah Palin's speech last night varied from soaring joy on the right to stomach-chilling dread on the left. But at least one analyst admitted that it left him weeping tears of joy at finally connecting on a deep, emotional level with a candidate.
Noted conservative intellectual and strategist Andrew Sullivan couldn't write enough about the Alaskan governor on his top-rated blog, the Daily Dish, and praised her fulsomely throughout the early morning (direct link not available because of DPUD posting guidelines).
"I can't say enough positive things about Sarah Palin," Sullivan wrote. "She only just started speaking when I felt it deep within my bosom: an undying love for this simple, plain-spoken, latter-day Sarah Plain and Tall. By midway through I was crying in great gouts for this woman who I love like a sister. I had to watch the end of the speech on TiVo because my bawling drown out her soaring rhetoric."
Sullivan said he connected deeply with her simply story of family values and do-it-yourself Americanism.
"I realized that this woman's story is my story. She fights against corruption, and I fight against corruption. She sells things on e-bay, I sell things on e-bay. She has sex with hunky Eskimos, and I often fantasize about having sex with hunky Eskimos. We are essentially the same person, especially around Halloween when I, too, dress up like a naughty librarian."
He said he now regretted his political choices over the past few months and hoped that the Republicans would find room for him.
"I'm sorry for my apostasy. All I can say is that I was gobsmacked by false projection, and that in the future I will offer my most concerted efforts to prevent any further misdirection of my energies. I am, and always will be, a dedicated conservative. How could I have ever believed that Barack Obama would be good for this country?!"
Sullivan did note that he still had grave misgivings about the Republican platform.
"I still don't agree with the party on the Anti-Gerbil plank of the platform, at least not until they add in either a Hamster or Pundit exception. Because I don't want the government prying into people's bedrooms. "
"Leave. That. For. The. Media."
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Sarah = All you can eat hot wings
Barack = Michael Moore's underwear
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September 03, 2008
Isn't it convenient that Hurricane Gustav dissipated, but not before it menaced the Republican National Convention enough to force the most unpopular president since John Adams to cancel his appearance?
That's the question being asked by investigative journalist Andrew Sullivan in his latest dispatch on the popular consertive blog, Daily Dish (link unavailable due to DPUD posting guidelines). The former GOP strategist turned philosopher wrote that:
"It seems awfully convenient that head torturer George Bush was able to have an excuse not to visit the mob of religious fanatics calling itself a convention, and instead was represented via a message from the head dominatrix of the US, who is for some gobsmackingly unknown reason popular with the type of sniveling worm that is causing this country to sink into a despair that only Barack Obama can pull us out of."
However, using contacts developed during his long years within the inner circle of the Republicans, Sullivan thinks he knows the answer:
"They have a weather machine. They used it to destroy New Orleans three years ago, and now they've used it to help get their convention off to a stealthy start so that they can insert platform points about making the official religion of the United States Jews for Jesus and making it illegal to put gerbils in your anus. Not that I do that very often.
"It's also pretty convenient that they managed to get independent journalists like Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews distracted with faux hurricane coverage, instead of continuing to dig in to the real stories that impact this nation, like the bedroom habits of Bristol Palin and vetting via innuendo. If it's on Google, it's good."
Later, Sullivan asserted that "very often" constituted more than five times per week. He went on to note that:
"John McCain is very old and will likely die before inaguration, so the anti-Jew status of his hateful sidekick is important for voters to realize, as well as her passion for forcing her children to bear offspring that she then raises as her own in cultlike fashion. This is why Bush and Co. menaced Louisiana with Hurricane Gustav: to distract the nation.
"Remember, these people shoot their friends in the face with shotguns just for fun!"
Fortunately, Sullivan also had an explanation on how Bush could prove that he was innocent of malfeasance:
"All the torturer-in-chief needs to do to prove he doesn't have a weather machine is allow free and open access to all the scientific records of the national labs, preferably by posting them all on the Internet, as well as give detailed accounting of his movements the last three years. Until he does this, I will believe that there is something to hide."
"There. Is. No. Other. Explanation."
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September 02, 2008
2) Thou shalt not make a campaign button or T-shirt on thy own, but rather buy it from my website or local campaign office.
3) Thou shalt not blaspheme my name, and thou shalt ever profane those who do.
4) Thou shalt accept my platitudes, and keep them holy.
5) Thou shalt honor the actor, the newsman, and the professor, for verily they are my true acolytes and understand my glory better than thou dost.
6) Thou shalt not watch TV ads from my opponents, for they spread naught but lies about me.
7) Thou shalt not Google the words Rezko, nor Born Alive, nor William Ayers, nor Annenberg, nor arugula, nor Bill Clinton, nor Jeremiah Wright, nor Trinity Church, nor…upon second thought, thou shalt not Google at all. Verily, that shall be best for everyone, particularly me.
8) Thou shalt not steal, except for the biography of Welsh Politicians.
9) Thou shalt pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
10) Thou shalt justify my actions.
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September 01, 2008
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While other sites fumble around like a nerd trying to undo a bra in the dark, here at DPUD we've got the straight deal. That's right: those pix you been looking for are just below the fold.
Click on for pictures that will rock this presidential race to the ground!
more...
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Speaking from his office in Towson, renowned Washington psychologist Lewis "Lou" Berral said that he thought the pick signaled that McCain had an Agamemnon Complex, identified by Freud as the condition where a much older man becomes enamored of a younger woman, often with disastrous results (in Greek myth Agamemnon was stabbed to death by his wife because he had an affair with a younger woman).
"It's a classic case, and a pattern that has repeated itself inside and outside of politics since time immemorial," said Dr. Berral. "McCain passed over other, much more qualified politicians, like Tim Pawlenty or Joe Lieberman, so that he could vote with his lower brain in order to spend time next to an attractive woman. I think that we should consider John McCain to be totally unstable and unfit for any type of political office."
Presidential Historians said that the potential for scandal was high with such a pairing, with noted scholar Andrew Sullivan writing over the weekend that "we know that the Oval Office is a sexually charged environment, and that older Republican men are tempted to dalliances, from Fred Thompson's Washington horn-dogging to Dwight Eisenhower's scandalous affair with Minnie Pearl. Why would voters want to put their stamp of approval upon this again?"
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