August 28, 2008

Behind the Scenes

Many have questioned the wisdom of having Obama appear on a faux Greek temple to give his acceptance speech tonight.  Well, what you didn't consider was the ideas that he rejected.  Fortunately, I found a list of the other options he was offered before choosing Obama meets Alexander.
A giant sixty-foot pyramid is constructed at midfield, and when the time for the speech comes the upper section tilts backwards to reveal Obama inside, who then gives a stirring speech to those assembled about how he will work to "erase George Bush's name from the history books."
Although volunteers were available for the labor, this was still abandoned as too expensive.
Half of the Titanic
Obama gives his speech from the deck of half of the Titanic, sticking up out of the midfield turf as if it is sinking.  The theme for the speech is "Righting the Ship of State" and focuses on how we'll recover from 8 years of Republican misrule.  Leonardo DiCaprio is on board to introduce him by yelling "The next king of the world, Barack Obama!"
Rejected because some thought the image of Obama on a sinking ship would resonate poorly with voters.
Tree of Life
A three-hundred-foot-tall tree, akin to the one in Disney's Swiss Family Robinson exhibit, takes center stage, with Obama standing beneath it's branches talking about how important it is to live in harmony with all the peoples of the world as well as with nature, and how he would help us to "repair our grievous injury to the only planet we've got."
During construction of the graphite tree, a smelly hippie known only as Dumpster Pop-Tart climbed up in it and refused to leave until all windmills were turned off at night to protect bats.  The project had to be abandoned because there is no known way to get a hippie out of a tree.
Christmas in Cambodia
Invesco field is turned into a steaming jungle, and Obama gives his speech from the deck of a patrol boat talking about how our military is turning young men and women into killing machines that commit acts of savagery not seen since the Franco-Prussian war.  His speech centers on how the horrors of fighting in an unjust war affected him.
Nobody but John Kerry thought this was a good idea.
Urban Renewal
Obama stands in the middle of an urban wasteland and begins by yelling "who's the candidate?" with the crowd answering "sho'nuff!"  Then, as he talks about his experience doing community development, the gritty cityscape is turned into an attractive urban scene with cafes, organic grocery stores, and schools with massive funding problems. 
This set was constructed but seized by police as evidence after a Detroit stripper's body was dumped here, clad in nothing more than a washcloth monogrammed with "Mayor KK."  Police have no suspects.
Class is in Session
Returning to his most familiar setting, a faux classroom is set up and Obama gives a lecture on the importance of good governance to the nation, with 80,000 students receiving a PhD in Obamaology when he's finished.
Idea abandoned after Joe Biden read his introductory speech, titled "We will fight them on the beaches" and which appeared to be lifted completely from Winston Churchill, except for several spelling and grammatical errors.
Obama walks out and a giant banner unfurls behind him that says "SUCKERS!"  He then reveals that his master plan was to be president, and he hasn't really thought about anything after that, so he's turning the country over to unreformed 60's radicals who will attempt to destroy the economy and allow communists to run amok on the world stage.
Held over for inaugural address.

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Chronicles of the Obamessiah, Part II

If you thought Part I of TNOYF's "Chronicles" was funny, this one is even better,

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August 27, 2008

Poll: More People Eating Dog Food

A recent Zigby poll showed that the number of people who answered that they have eaten dog food in the last two months has more than doubled.  Analysts said that the reason for the sharp increase could be a variety of factors, from the rising cost of food and fuel to the increasing homelessness forcing people to steal food from their neighbor's dog to anxiety over the war in Iraq.
The phone poll, taken from August 21 to 24, surveyed 832 people and asked the question "Have you eaten dog food for any reason in the last two months?"  0.6% respondents answered "Yes", whereas only 0.2% of respondents in a similar poll taken in June answered affirmatively.
Poller John Zigby said that this signaled a shift in American attitudes about eating pet foods.  "It used to be that only college students, two-year-olds, and the elderly ate dog food, but now we're apparently seeing more and more people eating it as a meal.  I'll grant you that it is delicious, but to me this is an indictment of the entire military-industrial complex and the unlawful Bush war that has led to people eating first their pets, then pet food. Soon they will be reduced to devouring their shoe leather."
Both campaigns seized upon the poll as evidence of why they should be elected president, with Obama saying that McCain "will only continue to drive you to the pet-food instead of the whole-food aisle" and McCain telling an audience in Iowa that "the only choice Barack Obama can offer you is whether you want dry food or canned."

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McCain Worries Over Lead

Sources close to John McCain said that the Republican nominee is concerned over recent polling that shows him ahead of Barack Obama in the presidential race, and said that he is considering taking "drastic measures" in order to drop back to his a comfortable 10 to 12% deficit.
"It's finally dawned on him that he might win this thing," said one McCain campaign aid.  "That's why he's been going into overdrive on this vice-presidential thing.  If he can find a democrat to agree to be his running mate, and then announce it on the final day of the Democratic convention, he'll make sure that the few people that hear about it will be die-hard conservatives, thus driving them away permanently.  And without them, he'll easily drop a good 20% in the polls."
"He's not called 'Maverick' because he killed a goose through pilot error," said another staffer.  "Obama's incompetent choice of Biden really raised the stakes for John, because it makes the GOP road to the presidency easier.  Make no mistake: this is McCain's race to lose now, and lose it he will, even if it means promising to nuke Lichtenstein in order to drive voters away."
One source close to both the McCain and Clinton camps said that the phone lines have been "scorching" between the two since she became available for the VP nod, but that she is concerned about his unwillingness to see things through. 
"Listen, Hillary's not in this to lose to Obama a second time," said the long-time Clinton loyalist.  "While McCain only seems to be worried about keeping his maverick, drive-away-the-base reputation alive at all costs.  Hillary's got her own 'Harpy of the Beltway' reputation to safeguard, you know.  Plus, these Machiavellian schemes she runs aren't cheap; she's gotta pay back the benefactors somehow."

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August 26, 2008

Democrats Suffer Buyer's Remorse

Democratic stalwarts today admitted that they had made a "grave error" in nominating Barack Obama, admitting that his wife Michelle would make a "much more compelling candidate" and hoping that in the Obama administration the position of First Lady "can be something more critical than simply welcoming dignitaries and hectoring children about drug use."
"Her speech was fantastic," said independent journalist Keith Olbermann.  "Simply the greatest oratory delivered within the last hundred and fifty years.  All of the passion, courage, and political conviction that you can possibly imagine was wrapped up in that speech.  I cried so hard my glasses fogged up."
Even opponents were amazed at her political acumen.  "Who would ever have thought to use children and touching anecdotes of a candidate's personal life to connect with voters and earn their sympathy?" asked conservative columnist Andrew Sullivan.  "She's like the cool of JFK meets the political wizardry of FDR!  Continuing to keep Michelle under wraps would be a morally outrageous equivalent to putting a tarp over the Statue of Liberty or waterboarding Bozo the Clown."
Not all Democrats were pleased.  Former president Bill Clinton told reporters that the speech didn't do enough to heal the wounds from a bruising primary.  "I didn't hear enough about Hillary or about my legacy," he said.  "This convention should be about how the Clinton legacy has been tarnished by eight years of Bush and the Republicans, and what we're going to do about restoring it.  And the first step of restoring the Clinton legacy is to have a Clinton at the helm."

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August 24, 2008

Somewhere, That Dog Mr. Burns Hired To Be His Vice President Is Smiling

It seems as though the sleepy hamlet of Rabbit Hash, KY has a unique tradition of electing dogs to serves as it mayors.

The only candidate so far is a border collie named Lucy Lou.

The situation isn't unusual for the Boone County town. The former mayor was a black labrador retriever named Junior Cochran, who died May 17 after serving since 2004.

The Kentucky Enquirer reported on its Web site Thursday that the Rabbit Hash Historical Society has scheduled voting to begin Aug. 31 and end Nov. 4, with voters paying $1 per vote. Proceeds benefit the historical society.

According to the Web site, candidates for the office may be humans or animals but not ducks or geese.

Actually, I don't see what's the big deal. Here in St. Louis, dogs and dead people vote all the time, so I guess letting them hold office is a logical conclusion.

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August 23, 2008

Friday Night Stupid(ity); Update: Media already shilling for Biden

Let it not be said that the Democrats don't know how to keep a secret.  From an article confirming that Joe Biden will be Obama's running mate:

The official who spoke did so on condition of anonymity, saying they did not want to pre-empt a text-message announcement the Obama campaign promised for Saturday morning.
Mission accomplished!

Update: Let the spin begin!
Biden is a foreign policy heavyweight with a decade longer in the Senate than the seasoned Republican presidential candidate, John McCain.
Translation: If you really want experience, America, vote for Barack Obama and Joe Biden!  Who is John McCain to talk about experience when Joe Biden has been in the Senate nearly a decade longer than he has?

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August 22, 2008

The League of Republican Villains

Deep in the Florida Everglades, from within the swamp rises a giant steel skull.  Inside meets the most sinister collection of evil forces ever assembled, AKA the Republican Party.  Their purpose?  To choose the optimum sidekick for the warmongering death-droid McCainiac.
Fortunately, an insider snuck us a transcript of the horrifying proceedings.  Read on, if you dare!

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McCain Cockroach FTW!

I hate bugs. I hate rodents. I hate snakes. They have no purpose in life and should just die in a fire. Okay, so maybe their purpose is to make men look like heroes when they squish one. Believe me, there is nothing hotter than a man who is willing to lay down his shoe on a giant spider, at the first shriek of this damsel in distress. After all, what gal isn't secretly attracted to Ned the Orkin Man?

Ned the Orkin Man

But maybe some insects have a purpose. If Madagascar hissing cockroaches (pics here) can predict presidential elections, Senator John McCain (R-AZ) could be the next leader of the insect kingdom free world.
The roach representing the Arizona senator broke from the gate first, covering the distance in less than five seconds, while the Obama insect dawdled.
FAIL! The "Hopey-Changy Goodness" was not enough to secure the win for Obamaramadingdong. Even the unnamed GOP VP cockroach beat the unnamed Democrat VP cockroach.

I cannot believe I am writing about gigantic cockroaches that some people actually keep for pets. Ewww. What levels I stoop to, to find the unusual stories to entertain y'all!

Did I mention that I absolutely hate all kinds of creepy-crawly critters?

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August 21, 2008

Inside the Meeting of the Legion of Democrats

Only the highly-connected Internet resources of DPUD could bring you this: a transcript of the top-secret planning meeting of the Legion of Democrats as they try to figure out who would make the optimum sidekick for Barack Obama, AKA Captain Bullshit.
The transcript is below the fold..

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Newsweek : Laptop in Toilet Story was False

Newsweek today admitted that several major editorial oversights lead to their controversial cover story last week alleging that laptops were being flushed down the toilet to humiliate the bloggers that have been held there since the 2006 elections.
The story had caused a storm of controversy, notably from the so-called Right Wing Nutroots, which began by counter-arguing that a laptop could not be flushed down a toilet.
An internal investigation revealed that the flushings never actually took place, although one story of a blogger dropping her glasses in the toilet does appear to be true.  However, guards at Gitmo insist they are innocent, largely because no bloggers are currently being held there that the government will admit to. 
There are a large number of prisoners in the secret Area 22, which suspiciously does not have Internet connections and is cut off from the outside world.
Said blogger and free-thinker Jane Hamsher “even if the story isn’t true in the traditional sense of the word, it’s likely that the spirit behind the story is true, and that we should impeach Dick Cheney right now.”

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August 19, 2008

Bombshell Allegations Threaten to Sink McCain

For the second consecutive presidential election, a candidate's war record has come under fire from those who served with him.  This time, however, it is the Republican candidate who will have to answer serious charges about how he really spent the war.
The charges, which have been dubbed dubbed "Swift Boat 2: The Revenge" after the scandal that sunk John Kerry's presidential bid in 2004, have been circulating for weeks in the blogosphere but have recently caught nationwide traction following advanced publication of excerpts from a damning book titled "Industrial Light and McCainiacs: the Real Story of the Hanoi Hilton."  
Click below the fold for the whole story...

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Survey Reveals Internet Conservative's VP Wish List

A recent poll of the right-wing blogosphere reveals the following "Wish List" of qualities for a potential GOP vice-presidential running mate for John McCain:
81% said "Needs to know how to handle a gun."
75% said "Nominee should look good in assless chaps, and preferably owns a pair, and very preferably will wear them to the convention."
72% said "Must shore up McCain's conservative credentials, in reality and not as compared to the Democratic party or your average journalist."
65% said "Was not ever the Democratic nominee for anything, particularly president or vice president."
54% said "Must have executive experience, particularly in a state where large areas rarely register above zero and are currently off-limits to oil and gas drilling."
49% said "Must not be a desiccated fossil."
46% said "Is not Phil Gramm or other McCain cohort famous for 'crossing the aisle' and screwing the GOP on legislation."
43% said "Should be solidly pro-life, as evidenced by wearing tight sweaters which will make us glad to be alive."
42% said "Should not be a flaming moron."
31% said "Shouldn't be a GOP up-and-comer who will be forever tainted by the stink of failure that this election will inevitably bestow upon the loser, which is likely McCain."
27% said "Should have a name that rhymes with Fairy Sailin."
12% said "Should be distinguishable from Lamar Alexander, most importantly by not being Lamar Alexander."
4% said "Should adequately fill lead role in our recurring 'Naughty Librarian Fantasy'."
0.5% (Ace of Spades) said "Hnnggh, unnnggg, mmmm" when asked about specific choices, such as Sarah Palin.

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August 18, 2008

So it'll be war, Eh?

A totalitarian state has suddenly begun waging war on America, yet we look on in stupid impotence like a junior high-schooler staying up to watch PBS in hopes of catching an old British sitcom that shows nudity.

How long will we let this flagrant provocation go unpunished?

I speak, of course, of Canada's continued aggression against America and her interests.

In Georgia, Canada's lapdog Putin is creating an unjust and false war, hoping to tie up America's formidable military by forcing us to protect one of Europe's last non-Russian energy pipelines. Even now, the provinces of Ossetia, Ashkeniakenzeka (which is probably Georgian for Atlanta), and even Terra are threatened by these jack-booted totalitarians.

The Canadians know that our losses in Europe could never be replaced by the black market for Levi Jeans that a return to totalitarianism in Russia so surely represents. And they want our military tied up so that they can proceed with their own nefarious scheme to influence our election and ruin our nation.

Is it any wonder that a Canadian agent was found preparing to attack Denver with cyanide gas? Only the efforts of Jack Bauer and his team prevented a catastrophe, but it is a sure warning sign that more deviltry is sure to come from the Frozen Kaiser, Steven Harper.

You see, Canada is and always has been jealous of the United States, and this is why they attack us now. They have mountain envy.

Mountain envy is serious. It's the reason that China seized Tibet, after all. Freud said that mountains are a country's penis, and the country with the largest mountain therefore has the largest penis. Otherwise border wars would just be arguments about who gets taxes from the hicks in the hinterlands.

And countries do not go to wars over hicks in the hinterlands.

Canada's Mount Logan may be grand, but it's shorter than Mount McKinley, North America's tallest peak. And Every time Canadians see Mt. McKinley, the US is saying "mine is bigger than yours and that's why women like me more and I get invited to more key parties than you do."

And if there's one thing Canadians can't stand, it's not getting invited to key parties.

So they've been itching for years to get their hands on Mt. McKinley, and now they see their chance. With the US preoccupied with Iraq and Georgia, Canada is free to seize the "breakaway" province of Alaska and take Mt. McKinley and rename it Mt. Thompson, which is the closest thing they have to an assassinated president.

But in typically Canadian fashion, he was poisoned by his father after being made a member of the Privy Council by Queen Victoria. How dorkish. How ridiculous. How Canadian.

Why the Democrats? Because while McCain is totally preoccupied with the nonexistent threat of Al Qaeda, only Barack Obama sees into the soul of our seemingly inoffensive neighbors to the North.

Obama would pull American forces out of Iraq and bring them home, ready to protect us from their bland totalitarianism. And he would further pull out of NAFTA, which does little more than line the frozen pockets of those plutocratic ice-humpers to the north while impoverishing working families here in the US.

They also know that Obama would aid Quebec freedom fighters, who are on the side of liberty and justice. Obama embraces multilingualism, going so far as to encourage children to do better than he has and learn Spanish.

Canadians, meanwhile, reject multilingualism as if it were a turd in a punch bowl, like all English-speaking peoples in the world, because they want to make everyone exactly the same: pasty, bland, and humorless. Why else would all their comedians flee here, if not to escape persecution at the hands of the notorious Canadian death squads?

Somebody set the doomsday clock to 11:59, because Eskimogeddon is almost upon us.

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August 17, 2008

The Chronicles of the Obamessiah

Some funneh from the guys at TNOYF,

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August 14, 2008

Total heartache

Seems our old pal and Obama Community Blogger James Jones didn't do so well on his Barack Obama Test.  A 13?  Damn dude, you scored lower than me!  Perhaps this will cheer you up, wherever you are, it combines your two favorite things,

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August 13, 2008

Belgian Crisis Stokes Surrender Fears

EU delegates from all member states held an emergency crisis meeting yesterday in Brussels, hoping to convince the Belgians to immediately resolve the governmental impasse that has roiled the tiny country over the last year.  Belgium has not had a stable government in this time, as frictions between Flemings and Walloons continue to prevent any compromise that will lead to political stability.
Now, however, the crisis has reached a breaking point:  the EU would like to offer Poland and what used to be Czechoslovakia to a surging Russia, but cannot reach an agreement on this until Belgium has a stable government capable of participating in the capitulation.
"The situation cannot be tolerated," said one EU spokesman.  "Belgium must appoint a feeble government as soon as possible so that it can immediately kowtow to the Russians.  We cannot continue to dither independently in the face of this dire threat; we must dither as one!"
Analysts warned that Belgium's lack of a government could mean an inadvertent war.  "What if they gave a surrender party and nobody showed up?" said one.  "Then Poland might get the bright idea to defend its sovereignty and start a war.  And I don't think anybody wants that."
Also hanging over the negotiations was the specter of American interference in what is considered "a European affair."
"In the past we have always resolved internal European affairs ourselves," said the German delegate.  "Except for only one or two minor instances in the early part of the 20th century.  We do not need American cowboys muddying up the waters of international peace."

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August 12, 2008

Obama Changes Hand Signal

Barack Obama today changed his official campaign hand signal, ending a debate that has raged for weeks among senior Team Obama members. The current hand signal, both hands forming the letter "O", will be replaced by a gesture requiring a single hand. The new Obama salute is to make the letter L out of thumb and first finger on the forehead.

"The L stands for Liberal," said a spokesman for Obama. "Liberal isn't a dirty word any longer. Barack said that he saw the gesture made by some students at a college visit to the Campus Democrats, and he liked it so much he's decided to incorporate it. Because we don't just have the courage to change, we have the courage to use a good idea that's already out there."

The old symbol had also come under fire recently for being discriminatory against people who only had one hand. John Hook, a spokesman for the non-profit group Helping Hand, said he was glad to see the old symbol jettisoned. "How are one-handed Americans who support Obama supposed to make the salute to the captain if they have a hook for a hand? They can't, and that's wrong. So I'm glad that it's been sent to Davey Jones' locker where it belongs. If I could just catch those Lost Boys everything would be ship-shape."

The move also ended what had become deafening mockery of the symbol, not only from right-wing pundits but from other celebrated iconoclasts who used heavy symbology in their work.

"I never liked it as a symbol," said Don Diego de la Vega. "It has no flair, no zip. How can you use a simple O to cut off a woman's bodice and reveal her heaving bosoms? You can't. The letter O is in the middle of the alphabet for a reason: it is boring. Now, a scarlet pimpernel, or a gigantic paean to a crippled firefighter brother; those are sheer genius!"

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MoveOn Books, the publishing arm of MoveOn.Org, is proud to announce the release of strategist and electoral juggernaut Tom Matzzie's first book, How to Win at Politics and Everything Else: Tom Matzzie's Guide to Life.

As a national strategist for MoveOn.Org, Matzzie has been on the inside of its several very public campaigns and was one of the primary architects of what has come to be known as "Grassroots Politics." This approach, created by Matzzie and put into use by campaigns as diverse as Ned Lamont and Ron Paul, has been shaking mainstream candidates since 2000 and forcing them to be more responsive to the desires of true liberals, all of whom support

Each Chapter is full of warmth, humor, and insight:

Forget about it already! A categorical list of prosecutorial misdeeds that proves Republicans were simply trying to discredit a popular Democratic president and a plea to simply "Move On" from the interparty fighting of the Clinton Years.

We will never swallow this bitter pill and will fight until the end of our days: why the 2000 election loss is proof that Republicans are evil and why reparations must be demanded and paid before the country can be healed.

The truth about Swift Boats: how a group of crotchety veterans used a non-issue to thwart the will of the people in 2004 with the help of the partisan hacks in the mainstream media.

Rupert Murdoch is the Devil and Fox News His Hellish Spawn: Fifty-three reasons why the Fairness Doctrine needs to be reinstated and PBS should become the only legally-allowed broadcaster of news.

We're Better Off Without Him: How driving Joe Lieberman out of the Democratic Party was a good thing.

Now It's His Problem: Why continued failure to force the Bush administration to capitulate on Iraq is a wise long-term strategy and how it was actually the goal all along.

A New Hope: Barack Obama and the politics of the mended soul.

Don't Tug on Superman's Cape: Why Tom's track record of success will allow him to browbeat Republicans into cowed silence and shut off the money flow to the most wretched hive of scum and villainy in the world today: the GOP.

Order today and receive a free copy of Cindy Sheehan's latest book, I Never Squandered My Absolute Moral Authority, including such piercing insights as "almost every world leader politician today know together we get together, especially better than Bush, including, such as, Hugo Chavez and that bald guy from France or wherever, the one with no chin."

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August 11, 2008

Through a Glass Darkly

While others waste their time worrying over an Anthrax Conspiracy that is a bigger hoax than the so-called Moon Landing, a nefarious force is working behind the scenes to decide everything from presidential elections to important issues like NFL games.


Come below the fold for the horrifying details, if you dare.


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