May 31, 2009
May 27, 2009
When Alik started moving out Kira suggested that they had a farewell dinner. After a hearty meal and some heavy drinking Alik fell asleep. The girlfriend tied several firecrackers to Alik’s penis and exploded them. The man was rushed to intensive care and doctors are reported to be fighting for his life.
Here is the lesson: don't have a series of drinks with a woman upset at you dumping her. Just sayin'.
May 25, 2009
May 24, 2009
Retired soldier Mr Lai at first volunteered to try to talk Mr Chen down but was turned away by police, Xinhua said.
Mr Lai is said to have then broken through the police cordon, climbed to where Mr Chen sat, greeted him with a handshake - and then pushed him off the edge.
May 21, 2009
May 19, 2009
I guess I forgot to mention. The son, Andrew Mizsak, is 28. And a political consultant and a school board member. And here's what I'm guessing is his biography - it's the right age and the right town and the right job and Mizsak isn't exactly Smith, and both the senior and junior are named Andrew.
Did I mention that Andrew Mizsak lives in his parents' basement?
And did I mention that Mommy and Daddy are both judges? At least, I think that's what it means when your name is preceded by Honorable.
Oh, and did I mention this little child who's less capable of controlling his temper than the average six year old is a "Member of the Ohio Campus Security Task Force following the shootings at Virginia Tech"? And very active in his state political party?
Daddy doesn't want to ruin Andrew Mizsak's political career with this. Daddy is doing a good job of teaching his son that little Andy never ever has to take responsibility for his own actions - instead he can have hysterical fits because he doesn't want to clean his room and he doesn't want Daddy to tell him what to do. I fully expect Andrew Mizsak to be rolling around on the floor, kicking his feet and pounding his fists on the ground and if that doesn't work, holding his breath until his face turns blue.
Go get a real job, Andy. Your temperament doesn't lend itself to a career leading others.
May 18, 2009
Uh, Vinty, if you're going to listen to this at work, put your headphones on.
May 16, 2009
May 15, 2009
May 13, 2009
"Our entire Philosophy department is sitting in front of the Bijou now," said one college president. "And they're not even first in line, because most of the Women's Studies majors were already all there. The only students and teachers who show up any more are the so-called 'hard sciences', like Math or Physics. And I hardly think that the purpose of college is to teach people things like that."
The film is the first of two which will focus on the First Lady, with the second, Left Arm, set to open on July 4th weekend. They were directed by Yoko Ono and narrated by James Earl Jones, and will spend three hours and forty minutes "traversing the perfect space between Michelle's right shoulder and the tip of her right middle finger, which have been called the most perfect right arm in the history of humanity."
"It really is a unique journey," said Ono in an interview. "What's it like, to see this arm up close, through a variety of different lenses? What are its peaks, its valleys, its highs, its lows? I think that it's a very affirming film. It's the story of humanity, really, distilled in one perfect arm. But I'm urging people to watch the director's cut, which is two hours longer and includes outtakes narrated by Tom Hanks and a special 'the making of' feature."
The soundtrack also includes previously-undiscovered tracks by John Lennon, but has been embroiled in controversy following a lawsuit by Paul McCarthy because he needs money to pay off his angry ex-wife.
Some journalists were concerned, though, with one noting that "almost four hours may not be enough time to properly appreciate the perfection that is Michelle's right arm. It would be better if we replicated them in marble and put them on the Venus de Milo, where they could be appreciated by art patrons for the rest of time."
May 12, 2009
But I can offer you this: mad wordsmithing skillz. Case in point? Here are ways that the GOP could describe how bad the budget is:
"Barrackruptcy is like normal bankruptcy, only you spend trillions and trillions in one last ditch effort to kill the economy in order to save it."
"Obanomics: The perfect fusion of fiscal and public health policies, which forces citizens to exercise by bending over and getting screwed by the government again and again."
"Unless you're a member of a parasitic union or the child of a prominent member of congress, it's likely that you will soon pay a massive amount of taxes to subsidize the lavish lifestyle of do-nothings who will drive your cost of living ever higher. It'll be like the 70's without the rabbit attacks."
"You know why the communists have been so quiet lately? They're busy taking notes from our President on how you really redistribute wealth."
"While we appreciate the President's desire to scrimp and save by using second-rate comediennes at his White House galas, perhaps he should concentrate on cutting a bit more out of the largest budget ever proposed by any government in the history of the world."
"Don't worry: according to Obama's friend Hugo Chavez, all Americans will officially be humans by the end of 2010."
May 11, 2009
1) Wouldn't it make more sense to have the word Celebrity in quotes in 'Apprentice' Celebrity Edition? I mean, like Apprentice 'Celebrity' Edition.
2) Doesn't it seem strange that Wanda Sykes was the headliner at the Correspondent's Dinner? What, Kathy Griffin was booked?
3) Isn't Dragonball Z best left as a cartoon? How, exactly, can the show be enriched by making a poor movie of it?
4) Aren't we well past time for a TV show where a small group of humans fends of zombies in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, eating nothing but bacon and wearing nothing but tight T-shirts?
5) Wouldn't David Hasselhoff be perfect for the lead in said TV show?
6) I don't know what the letters really stand for, but when somebody told me MSNBC stood for "Milks Some Nuts for Barack's Cream" I nodded.
7) Doesn't synergy demand Tea Party T-Shirts?
8 ) Will I get seventy comments if I say I agreed with Patterico in the infamous Patterico-PW feud?
9) Is everyone else amused by the horrified Boston fans, who apparently believed that all the other teams juiced, but their victories were "pure." Yeah, that explains the sudden tailoff of players after they left Boston. Just keep telling yourself that.
10) Okay, if #8 doesn't work, how about if I say I agreed with Goldstein. Will that work?
May 09, 2009
"This is what happens when you don't put out like you imply you will."
And in another example of Actions Have Consequences...
“He did not make the bomb threat to Purdue,” she adds. “Even so, it’s about the Constitution.”
May 07, 2009
May 05, 2009
Ambassador Stages Coup At UN, Issues Long List of Non-Binding Resolutions
I hope I'm not the only one that laughed out loud at the phrase "Secretary General For Life."
A study by the White House Counsel on Psychiatric Health and Well-Being has revealed what many feared: the Obama presidency has caused a massive upsurge in depression among Washington residents, with the number of people seeking treatment for clinical depression more than quadrupling since President Obama took office.
"You have to understand something about your average Washington Beltway insider," said mental health expert Christopher Buckley "they live a life of wretched self-loathing. When a paragon of virtue like Barack Obama enters their lives, it's like shining a light on a cockroach: it brings nothing but agony. Seeing such a perfect specimen makes them realize their own hollowness. It's pathetic, really."
Experts said that the problem was especially grave among Republicans, who are either abandoning the party or simply giving up on their past pursuits, like torturing prisoners or stealing from the poor to give to the rich. "They've realized we don't need a two-party system," said one Congressional staffer. "since one party is headed up by the ultimate in human evolution."
In the true spirit of politics and the NFL, though, more and more Washington residents are joining Be Like Barack clubs, which give seminars on how to emulate the popular president. In fact, the New York Times has recently announced it is changing its format, from having a Lifestyle section to have a BLB Encounter page dedicated to following the popular groups.
Not everyone is so sanguine about Obama's perfection, though, with some wondering its long-term impacts on Washington mental health. "My main concern," said one White House pool reporter "is that we only have three years, seven months, and seven days guaranteed for us to observe this model of latter-day perfection. Is it enough? Or should we begin amending the constitution now to appoint him our King for perpetuity?"
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