January 30, 2009
Though in the past I have never directly addressed you, preferring to act either via unseen methods (the so-called "invisible hands") or through sweater-clad proxies, I am taking the exceptional step of speaking directly to you, the US taxpayer, during this time of our joint crisis.
I have taken this drastic measure because more and more of you are being misled by charlatans, fools, and gun-toting religious nuts who want you to believe that I will receive little or no benefit from the stimulus package that is currently passing through congress.
I can assure you that nothing could be further from the truth, and I shall be stimulated more thoroughly than a Viagra-swilling Urkel giving massages at the Playboy Grotto.
Perhaps you live in a fairy-tale world where cat feces miraculously shape themselves into effigies of the Virgin Mary strangling Christ by his umbilical cord, or where bicycle paths spontaneously carve themselves in areas where they are patently infeasible and unnecessary, but here in the real world it takes tax money forcibly removed from your pocket to provide these valuable social services to the chronically unskilled and underemployed.
During your morning commute on the Interstate, where you see a large empty expanse of terrain beside the road, I see a place where an ultra-modern, high-cost light rail system could endlessly shuttle half-empty trains back and forth in an eternal procession of protected union jobs and hopelessly outdated railworker benefits packages, all taking people from a place they don't live near to another place they don't want to go.
Assuming, of course, that no tit mice or red-crested dungbombers would be disturbed by the installation of such a rail system, in which case it will have to be rerouted through a residential area.
I have read several economic "columnists" claim that there are legitimate concerns, but I can assure you that they are invalid. Even now sociology and performing-arts majors are flooding the rolls of the unemployed; don't they deserve a chance to be hired by a shoddy construction outfit owned by a well-connected huckster so that they, too, can have the life experience of building shoddy high-density housing that will crumble into disuse within the next 3 to 5 years?
To those of you who still feel that my stimulus is less important than your paltry tax dollars, which you will doubtless squander selfishly thinking only of yourselves, remember that when I am angry my wrath is terrible to behold. If you think that my boundless rage will be slaked by closing thousands of Starbucks and brutalizing the journalism industry, you are fooling yourself.
Inefficient car manufacturers are only the beginning. Unless I get my stimulation, I may turn my attention to other trillion-dollar operations that are poorly run.
Or as my friends in Chicago might say, "Nice government you have there. Wouldn't want anything to happen to it, would you?"
January 28, 2009
January 21, 2009
January 19, 2009
"We regretfully admit that we, too, were taken in by this Tennessee huckster's slick talk and fancy slide show," the spokesman said. "But after a ferocious winter that has forced people the world over to navigate streets choked with hobo-cicles and led to new heights of Arctic Ice, we have no choice but to demand the return of the prize and the money."
Mr. Gore was not immediately available for comment because he was using hundred-dollar bills to light one of his forty gas stoves inside his palatial 62,000 square-foot floating mansion.
The Nobel Committee did say that they had selected a new winner for the 2007 peace prize, NASA's top scientist James Hansen, who has recently begun sounding the alarm about global cooling. "Dr. Hansen's work is of critical importance in these dangerous times, and his dedication to good science and rigorous standards are above reproach."
Speaking from Washington, where the fiercely apolitical Dr. Hansen was to attend the upcoming inauguration, the scientist said he was pleased to accept the award and the money. "I just hope that we can see the error of our ways and begin massive restructuring of the economy, as detailed in my book, Frozen Dinner: How You Will Die in the Polar Bear Holocaust that is Sure to Come. It's time to stop listening to alarmists like Gore and begin to listen to scientists who are peddling rational panic."
January 17, 2009
My fellow Americans, today is a bitter, gun-clinging day. You have shown the world that "hope" is not just another word for "bovine excrement", and that "change" is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually flush.(h/t)
Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces easy and sleazy challenges like never before. Our economy is hopeless. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for inaugural balls. Our healthcare system is superior. If your hairy wart is sick and you don't have insurance, you might as well call a trial lawyer. And America's image overseas is tarnished like a flask of Val-U-Rite Vodka. But telling lies together we can right this ship, and set a course for jail.
Finally, I must thank my "finally proud" family, my cheating campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank Tony Rezko for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of protecting the American people. Without your patriotic efforts, none of this would have been possible.
January 16, 2009
January 13, 2009
Even the most quirky of computer nerds can learn to flirt with finesse thanks to a new "flirting course" being offered to budding IT engineers at Potsdam University south of Berlin. The 440 students enrolled in the master's degree course will learn how to write flirtatious text messages and emails, impress people at parties and cope with rejection.This strikes me as destruction of a brand. Part of the appeal of dating geeks, for me at least, is that the male of the species is so needy for any sort of female attention that he'll do anything for a girl who so much as throws him a glance. This desperation makes a geek an excellent boyfriend and husband.
Remember, ladies, you can teach a guy how to dress without a pocket protector and highwater pants, you can buy him glasses that aren't held together with tape and a paperclip, you can even convince him that the full-size stormtrooper needs to go in the basement. Training a guy not to be an asshole, not so easy.
January 08, 2009
"Once again the evil crusading Zionists have shown their true colors and turned their computerized weaponry on our fluffy bunny facilities," said a Hamas spokesman late last night. "In addition to the total destruction of the fluffy bunny plant, we have also had severe damage to three schools, and old folk's home, and one entire side of our Sesame Street set was burned down. Big Bird was killed in the attack, and we still haven't located Oscar the Grouch, although a badly-burned trash can lid was found that may have been his."
Sue Messersmith-Cooper, president of International Response, criticized the US and Israel for their continued attacks on Fluffy Bunny factories. "How much longer will the citizens of this world put up with the barbarians who insist on destroying these cute, defenseless, fluffy bunnies? After coalition forces razed facilities in Iraq and Afghanistan, and continued sanctions strangle the fluffy bunny economy in Iran, was it really necessary to launch an illegal, immoral, and indefatigable attack on the poor Gazans, whose only source of income is fluffy bunnies and 'Hang In There!' cat posters?"
Even in the US ordinary consumers are starting to feel the pinch. Shopping with his family in New York, blue-collar worker Greg Packer said that "I'd planned on getting a fluffy bunny for my fiancée for Valentine's Day, but now I don't think I'm going to be able to afford it. I hope that Obama can do something to change this situation, otherwise it'll be a really long, cold night."
January 07, 2009
Vogue said a sex toy also went missing in the second break-in and that the offender had a liking for the doll model named "Jungle Jane", which had been taken on both occasions.
He said he was dumbfounded that the burglar also had the "weird" habit of cleaning up the mess he had made after entering the building.
The burglar again smashed through a wall in the roof area of the shop on either Monday night or early yesterday morning but was scared off by a newly installed alarm system.
Vogue and David Sharman, the owner of the Sapphire Bar on Lake St that has a rear entry in the same lane as the adult shop, both believe they have been targeted by the same thief.
Both men said fleeting video images showed the burglar as being a tall, skinny Caucasian. He has left DNA evidence at the crime scene.
January 06, 2009
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