August 07, 2008
All up in my... wait, what?
While on patrol Monday evening, an Indiana cop noticed a naked guy standing in the window of a Fort Wayne home. So she approached the man's front door, which was wide open, to investigate further. It was then that Officer S. Hughes and a colleague were treated to the sight of a prone Ronald Miller, 56, engaging in a remarkably lewd act on his living room sofa.Remarkably lewd? I doubt I'll be impressed:
I called for assistance from another on-duty unit and together Officer Tim Hughes [...] and I approached the residence on foot. [...] I could clearly see through the open front door, the male white, later identified as Ronald H. Miller, was lying on his sofa inserting an item, later identified as a claw hammer covered with a plastic bag, into his rectum while completely naked. We observed he had some type of lubricant on his genital area and buttocks which we learned was motor oil.
10 points for originality. The only thing missing from the report is "alcohol was involved" but I think we can safely assume.
His neighbors wanted it to be known that Ronald "The Hammer-Jammer" Miller was "not right."
No fucking shit.
(Thanks to Mthulhu)
Posted by: Moron Pundit at
02:35 PM
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I'm sorry, but it has to be asked...Which end of the claw hammer?
Posted by: Sean M. at August 07, 2008 02:42 PM (e6v7s)
Posted by: XBradTC at August 07, 2008 02:48 PM (soV1p)
I'm generally a do-it-yourself kind of guy and would prefer to defend myself rather than have law enforcement do it. In this case I'd be glad to call the boys in blue instead of having to deal with the crazy guy with a hammer in his ass.
They don't say what end of the hammer but.. well... you wouldn't need to wrap the wooden handle in plastic... I don't think.
Any cramming experts in the audience care to help us out?
Posted by: Moron Pundit at August 07, 2008 03:05 PM (83gRI)
And as expert as I may be on many things, I can't answer this one for you, MP. Although it's possible he wrapped the wooden end to keep it from getting ucky from the lube and the bodily waste it might come in contact with, and the claw hammer end would keep the hammer from being sucked all the way into his body.
I'm disgusted with myself that I even know that much.
(I used to do volunteer work in an HIV testing clinic. Various medical professionals also volunteered there, including some EMTs who delighted in telling gross-out stories. I'm making my statements above based on various stories told about light bulbs, doorknobs, etc. At least with a claw hammer they wouldn't have to take the entire door off its hinges to take you to the ER.)
Posted by: Alice H at August 07, 2008 03:11 PM (jRtPb)
Posted by: J David at August 07, 2008 03:11 PM (JOVI5)
Posted by: J David at August 07, 2008 03:19 PM (JOVI5)
Posted by: alexthechick at August 07, 2008 03:23 PM (SHHaV)
Haha, Alice. I was going to mention you by name due to your 'expertise' but decided to spare you. Unnecessary, apparently.
So really, what physical process is it exactly that requires the claw to keep it from total absorption? Is the human anus under negative pressure?
Posted by: Moron Pundit at August 07, 2008 03:30 PM (83gRI)
But yeah, it sounds like something along the lines of negative pressure. I'll let YOU look it up.
Posted by: Alice H at August 07, 2008 03:34 PM (jRtPb)
I am a moron.
Posted by: Gabriel Malor at August 07, 2008 03:39 PM (1Ug6U)
Kind of like when I KNOW, I just KNOW one of you morons is linking to an article/pictures of spiders, clowns or some hellish combination but I'm still compelled to click.
Posted by: alexthechick at August 07, 2008 03:56 PM (SHHaV)
Posted by: Alice H at August 07, 2008 04:01 PM (jRtPb)
Posted by: doubleplusundead at August 07, 2008 04:06 PM (5QDIE)
Posted by: Alice H at August 07, 2008 04:35 PM (jRtPb)
Posted by: doubleplusundead at August 07, 2008 04:40 PM (Aj2Xc)
Posted by: Moron Pundit at August 07, 2008 04:54 PM (SkqC2)
Posted by: alexthechick at August 07, 2008 08:05 PM (+Y9fx)
Posted by: Alice H at August 07, 2008 08:50 PM (jRtPb)
Posted by: alexthechick at August 07, 2008 09:49 PM (+Y9fx)
Can I make just a few comments here:
1) Busted by the long arm of the "claw"
2) The prosecutor states the case is in the "bag".
3) Gives new meaning to coming out of the "claws-it".
4) No alcohol, but he was hammered!
5) Last but not least: The officers that witnessed this act..It has "rectum" for life!
Posted by: Mike at August 08, 2008 11:12 AM (OMf5d)
Posted by: doubleplusundead at August 08, 2008 11:17 AM (Aj2Xc)
BRAVO, Mike! hahahaha
Posted by: Moron Pundit at August 08, 2008 11:39 AM (83gRI)
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