July 08, 2009
Handy desktop protection for the zombie apocalypse!
I can't even begin to express how much I hope this is real.
Posted by: Alice H at
02:24 PM
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Other Obama Diplomatic Successes*
- Signed a recent letter to the President of Spain, "Well, back to the beaches in Puerto Rico. Too bad you can't be here!"
- Reacted to a crying American Indian by saying, "Don't be sad, we love Florida. Here's a tissue."
- While at cocktails with the Mexican ambassador, "As I always say, the Gadsden was a GadSEND! Get it? Get it? We won."
- In a recent gift exchange with Great Britain's leadership, he presented an enormouse novelty bill for World War Two, "It wasn't called Give-Keep for a reason."
Its like watching retards fuck.
* - Inspired by this post.
Posted by: Moron Pundit at
02:21 PM
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July 07, 2009
A Joke
I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? '
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'
Her parents beamed.
'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that.. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and rake my yard, and I'll pay you $50.
Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. '
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?
I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'
Her parents beamed.
'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that.. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and rake my yard, and I'll pay you $50.
Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. '
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?
I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
Posted by: Moron Pundit at
01:35 PM
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July 03, 2009
Hollywood Math
Hollywood’s all about copying what works, and yet it still falls desperately short and produces nothing but crap. This is because Hollywood types use small words and spend their time focusing on how to score weed and tail (thought not necessarily in that order).
As a top-notch math and science guy, though, I’ve cracked the Hollywood Code. And because I am a giving person, I’m going to give you Hollywood explained by math.
Gilligan’s Island – Gilligan = Lost
Both shows use underdressed sexy women as a crutch, are set on an uncharted desert isle, never explain that fresh-from-the-shower look of their characters, and revolve around plots which make absolutely no sense. But the fat guy in one of them is funny, whereas the other one was agonizing over his socially unacceptable longing to be with Gilligan.
Beverly Hillbillies – Granny = Beverly Hills 90210
An uncultured family from the wilderness tries to make it in a shallow, selfish community filled with cement ponds, breast-enhanced starlets, and fast cars. The only difference is that the Clampetts were rich.
CSI + Adjective = Hit
If it makes you feel any better, Hollywood doesn’t understand why this works, either. Neither the hammy overacting nor the curse of David Caruso could derail this series.
MacGuyver – Fiction = Mythbusters
I mean, really, is there anything these two guys can’t do? I haven’t felt this much smarter after watching a show since, well, MacGuyver, where I learned how to repair a helicopter using nothing more than a coconut tree.
Barney + Bloody Violence = Jurassic Park
I love you, you love me, you’re a tasty appertif!
Barney + Fart Jokes = Land of the Lost (2009)
Except, of course, Will Ferrell can only hope that he could have 1/10 of the success of Grimace’s prehistoric ancestor.
Green Acres – Arnold the Pig = The Simple Life
Crass starlet gets caught in the country, offends everyone, and you hope every episode to see her untimely death in a combine. And, to be fair, you could make an argument that this one’s not right because Nicole Ritchie really served the comic relief purpose of Arnold.
Battlestar Galactica (1978 ) – Plot = Battlestar Galactica (2004)
Though to be fair, Battlestar Galactica 2004 had sexier androids. But this just doesn’t make any freaking sense.
Knight Rider – David Hasselhoff = CANCELLED
This equation pretty much writes itself. Apparently KITT wasn’t the star of this show.
I Love Lucy + Adultery = Desperate Housewives
You know why this equation doesn’t work with The Flintstones? Because that one already had the adultery.
As a top-notch math and science guy, though, I’ve cracked the Hollywood Code. And because I am a giving person, I’m going to give you Hollywood explained by math.
Gilligan’s Island – Gilligan = Lost
Both shows use underdressed sexy women as a crutch, are set on an uncharted desert isle, never explain that fresh-from-the-shower look of their characters, and revolve around plots which make absolutely no sense. But the fat guy in one of them is funny, whereas the other one was agonizing over his socially unacceptable longing to be with Gilligan.
Beverly Hillbillies – Granny = Beverly Hills 90210
An uncultured family from the wilderness tries to make it in a shallow, selfish community filled with cement ponds, breast-enhanced starlets, and fast cars. The only difference is that the Clampetts were rich.
CSI + Adjective = Hit
If it makes you feel any better, Hollywood doesn’t understand why this works, either. Neither the hammy overacting nor the curse of David Caruso could derail this series.
MacGuyver – Fiction = Mythbusters
I mean, really, is there anything these two guys can’t do? I haven’t felt this much smarter after watching a show since, well, MacGuyver, where I learned how to repair a helicopter using nothing more than a coconut tree.
Barney + Bloody Violence = Jurassic Park
I love you, you love me, you’re a tasty appertif!
Barney + Fart Jokes = Land of the Lost (2009)
Except, of course, Will Ferrell can only hope that he could have 1/10 of the success of Grimace’s prehistoric ancestor.
Green Acres – Arnold the Pig = The Simple Life
Crass starlet gets caught in the country, offends everyone, and you hope every episode to see her untimely death in a combine. And, to be fair, you could make an argument that this one’s not right because Nicole Ritchie really served the comic relief purpose of Arnold.
Battlestar Galactica (1978 ) – Plot = Battlestar Galactica (2004)
Though to be fair, Battlestar Galactica 2004 had sexier androids. But this just doesn’t make any freaking sense.
Knight Rider – David Hasselhoff = CANCELLED
This equation pretty much writes itself. Apparently KITT wasn’t the star of this show.
I Love Lucy + Adultery = Desperate Housewives
You know why this equation doesn’t work with The Flintstones? Because that one already had the adultery.
Posted by: plebian at
01:59 PM
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July 02, 2009
Showing Mr. Mays the highest honor
Which one of you morons was protesting the death of Billy Mays by disrobing on a US Airways flight?
Update: bumping for awesomeness. Now we have photos.
Update: bumping for awesomeness. Now we have photos.
Posted by: Alice H at
11:36 AM
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