Many people don't realize this, but the current Ohio state song is Stick a Buckeye Up Your Butt and Tell Me You Love Me.  In order to help the state really reflect the modern world, I have come up with two possibilities to change from this overly sentimental song that hearkens back to a world riddled with covered wagons and rampant diarrhea.

 

The first, and most obvious, is the Rockwell hit Somebody's Watching Me.  However, in my continuing bid to gain entry to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the dingiest non-porno attraction in the greater Cleveland area, I have written an all-new theme song for Ohio, called Helen's Kind of Place.

It's sung to the tune of the Cheers theme song:
 
Make a politician sweat
We'll take everything you've got
If you dare to ask a question
Your credit rating's shot
Wouldn't you like to live in a place
 
Like our happy Ohio
Where everybody checks your name
And your records are fair game
You wanna be where big brother
Checks your every move
 
You wanna be where everybody checks your name

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