The human spirit wants to be free, which is why I must issue this powerful crie de coeur against the current state of the magazine industry, particularly as it is practiced in many Airports.
 
It happened that I found myself heading out for a business trip on Monday afternoon, so I did what many businessmen do in such circumstances: I swung by the magazine shop at the airport to purchase some reading material.
 
I selected two magazines, one on the latest PC video games coming out, and another one of a more literary bent which prominently featured photographs of aspiring models and actresses. 
 
Thanks to the awful service I received, I have created the Literature Buyer’s Bill of Rights.
 
Right #1:  Literary Magazines Will be Stored Above Sports Magazines
 
Sometimes, the literary magazines are stored in the most inopportune place, such as above Cosmo and Better Homes and Gardens.  Why this should be, I cannot say.  But with society's continuing prejudice against intellectuals, particularly those who enjoy magazines which specialize in amateur boudoir stories, it's imperative that the literary magazines be stored above titles which feature sports, cars, or at the limit technology, so that men can peruse the titles with a semblance of cover for fear that small-minded bigots will judge them.
 
Otherwise, one is forced to make a dash-and-grab play to avoid being mocked by passers-by, and you might end up with something that features Norman Mailer.  And nobody wants that.
 
Right #2:  Nubile Young Women Shall Not Be Allowed to Sell Literary Magazines
 
You'd think that this would be a no-brainer, yet many a vendor violates this.  The only place that nubile young women should sell literary magazines is in upscale films of a mature and adult nature.  Otherwise their talents should be applied where they are far more appropriate, in the barkeeping and modeling industry.
 
Right #3:  You have the right to avoid eye contact
 
This is particularly important in light of vendors who will insist, for various reasons of the labor pool and EOO compliance, that they must hire nubile young woman.  But you shouldn't have to make eye contact with her to get her to acknowledge that you're trying to buy literature.  You're embarrassed enough. 
 
In fact, it would be better if stores provided sunglasses to all clients.  Yes, that would help.  I think we'll make that Right #4:  stores which sell literature will also supply sunglasses for all clients, regardless of their purchasing plans.
 
Right #5:  Staffers Will Never, Ever, Ever, Riffle Through Literary Magazines when you Bring the Up for Purchase and remark “I’ve never read this magazine before; what is it about?”
 
This is a big no-no.  When you lay your magazines down, in the classic Trojan Horse arrangement (literature on bottom, PC Gaming magazine on top), the clerk should never, ever, pick up and riffle through either magazine.  Particularly not the literary one.  For one thing, it spoils the surprise of seeing the big words and well-trimmed poetry inside.  Part of the joy of literary magazines is seeing it all for the first time, not having it ruined by getting a quickie while the clerk is trying to figure out what the most prominent features of the magazine are.
 
Right #6:  You have the right to have your literature put into an opaque bag immediately, not left laying on the counter like a big neon sign.
 
This should be the first thing that clerks learn:  "when a literature fancier purchases a magazine, immediately put it into the bag.  Don't leave it laying on the counter while you fiddle trying to log onto the register with the other magazine in your hand."  I mean, that's just common sense, isn't it?
 
Isn't it? 
 
Right #7:  No price checks.  If the price isn't easily obtained, your literature is free.
 
Imagine that you're standing at the register, with four people behind you, and a bookstore crowded with people, and the dipshit behind the counter can't figure out the price, so she yells to the slacker putting out the latest crap from Clive Cussler "Hey, Joe, can you check the price of Ass Stories Weekly for me?" 
 
It's like the night of the vespers all over again.

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