Looks as though somebody thought it would be a good idea to let a pony get out, eat some fermented apples, and then get drunk. With awesome hilarity to follow.

Twelve-year-old Fat Boy stumbled across the garden, and fell into the outdoor swimming pool which was covered by tarpaulin.

Sarah Penhaligon, 28, owner of the bungalow in Newquay, Cornwall, was woken at night by a "huge" splash and found the Moorland Pony in the shallow end.

She said: "I looked outside, saw this massive animal in the dark, and thought the Beast of Bodmin was in the pool. I was terrified, but when I took a closer look I realised it was a horse.

"I didn't have a clue what to do next - who do you call when there's a horse stuck in your swimming pool?

"I dialled 999 and they asked which service I wanted and I said I didn't know, I just had a horse in my pool and needed help."

Fire crews spent two hours building a set of hay steps in the pool, and hoisted the animal out of the water at 5am with the help of several harnesses.

The pony had escaped from the nearby Trenance riding stables. A spokesman said horses were known to get 'punch drunk' from eating too many apples.

She said: "It looks like he was scrounging for apples in the garden and fell in when he trod on the tarpaulin over the pool.

"It's a good job he's got a lot of bulk, as it kept him warm while he was stuck in the water.

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If you've heard any good ones or have come up with a good one of your own, leave it in the comments. I'll get the ball rolling with one I posted in Treacher's comments yesterday:

Q: Why did Bill Ayers cross the road?

A: RRRRRRRRAAAAAACISSSSST!!!

I know, I know, I said good jokes. But it's not like I'm getting paid for this shit.

Posted by: Sean M. at 12:53 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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Posted by: Sean M. at 11:59 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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(h/t)

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One of the candidates in this election is a hero who flew missions against a country that aligned itself with an Evil Empire.  The other is a whiny little bitch who sees himself as a member of the Rebellion*, even though he was only eight years old when the Rebellion started, and is ambivalent about his father, who he never knew...


more...

Posted by: Sean M. at 05:49 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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David Burge has the shocking truth behind the global financial meltdown.  He also lays out some constructive solutions for how we can get out of it.  Read the whole thing.

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Ace has challenged readers to come up with some famous Andrew Sullivan quotes.  As you all know, I am a great Sullivan fan.  So I reproduce here some of his greatest quotes (links not available due to small-minded DPUD posting guidelines).

Here are just a few of the bon mots that he has favored us with over the years.

His response to Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction:  "I am gobsmackingly gobsmacked by this.  I always felt that if any Jackson was going to force me to question my sexuality, it'd have been Tito."

And how could any of us forget the chain of heart-wrenching posts he wrote just after 9/11 that helped bring us all together:  "My secret shame:  I eat urinal cakes", "Urinal Cakes are tasty", and "Fresh Breath the Sullivan Way: Urinal Cakes are Free and Bite-Sized in Most Gas Station Restrooms."

 Who among us didn't shiver when he wrote "Ich ben ein Berliner"? Or something like that.  I remember some bullshit in German, anyway, but it might have been something about being infested with chiggers.  Yeah, that was it:  "Ich ben ein chiggercrotchenshitz."  Anyway, dumbass Ace only posts in English, and that poorly.

There's his description of the Bush cabinate just before the 2006 elections:  "Like the Three Stooges, if Moe was actually Torquemada and instead of hitting the dowager with a pie they tied her down, tortured her, murdered her children, defiled her, and then forced her to give them campaign contributions, all while Bush laughing on and on like a latter-day Nero as our freedoms burned around our ears."

Of course, no Sullivan oeuvre would be complete without mentioning this one:  "I've self-presciently identified my own heroic failing: I care too much, coupled with my overwhelming desire to do naught but harm, like a living avatar of the Hyppocratic Oath.  That, coupled with my steely demeanor and cool detachment, means that I shall always run the risk of being too true to my bedrock ideals of conservatism and guarding our fragile liberty from those who would take it, like a urinal cake without a plastic sheath that is exactly the size of a Mentos."

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The endorsements continued to roll in for Barack Obama, with yet another major national organization urging its members to turn out for the Democratic hopeful for president.  It represented another major blow to the campaign of John McCain, whose operatives had been privately hopeful that they could seal up at least one more undecided before November.
 
Hugh Jass, president of the Fake People's Association, sent a chain e-mail to reporters earlier today notifying them of the decision.  "This election represents a watershed for fake people," Jass wrote.  "We've contributed heavily to Obama and we voted for him in droves in the Democratic primaries, because we haven't had a candidate who so clearly represented our interests since Landslide Lyndon over forty years ago."
 
Jass said that in addition to the massive fundraising drive spearheaded by FPA Vice-President Asdf Qwerty, they were particularly proud of their Hollywood branch for continued support for Obama.  "I'd like to single out particularly Matt Damon and Whoopi Goldberg, who have made fake people everywhere proud with their continued support of the first true fake person candidate."

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In New York, we’re keeping our eyes on a widespread baseball-related depression, with some associated angst in Manhattan.  On Wall Street, be sure to watch for falling stock brokers.
 
Expect continued euphoria and elatement in the Boston area, with the return of insufferablility likely by the end of October.
 
In the Washington DC area, today’s weather calls for widespread blamestorming, with possible floods of incompetence on Capitol Hill.  Those going outside are advised to wear hip waders.
 
For residents of the South, we will not present weather, because it appears clear from reports that they are all ignorant rednecks who can’t read anything more complicated than a Bazooka Joe comic.
 
Florida’s brief Indian Summer should end soon with the collapse of the Rays and the Dolphins, but weather patters are difficult to predict in the “America’s Wang.”
 
Those in the Great Lakes region are advised to stay indoors to avoid the severe disillusionment in the area, coupled with severe regret in the Green Bay area.  Those in Chicago are advised to watch for falling Cubs fans.
 
Turning to the Midwest, we expect the drought of respect to continue.
 
California’s outlook is positive, except for San Francisco, which continues to suffer from self-induced effects Hurricane Pelosi.  This situation is expected to continue for some time.
 
In Nashville, expect clouds of verbal obfuscation, followed by massive media coverup and boosterism, with a fifty percent possibility of statistical improbability.  Those going outside are advised to watch for falling Republicans.

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GLAD today held a press conference urging candidates of both parties to cool their rhetoric, pleading for calm as the election heats up heading into the upcoming vote in November. 
 
“We’re watching the situation very closely, of course,” said GLAD spokesman Lars Handzchappen.  “We at the Glove Lovers of American Democracy feel very strongly that these anti-glove statements by both parties need to be repudiated in order to prevent a rash of anti-glove violence like we saw in the early 90’s.”
 
The press conference was hastily called following the McCain campaign’s announcement that “the gloves are coming off”, which the group feels should be classified as anti-glove hate speech.  GLAD earlier condemned Barack Obama for similar rhetoric following the conventions in September.
 
Handzchappen told reporters that “anti-glove violence reached its peak in the late 80’s, led by the fiery rhetoric of Reverend Al Yankovich, and there were documented incidents of glove violence throughout the country, particularly in the South.  We thought we’d left this shameful legacy behind us, but it’s reared its ugly head this election, along with a lot of other –isms that we’d rather not talk about.”
 
Some political observers feel that the constant cries of Gloveism are likely to backfire.  Typical was a Politico analyst who said that “repeated cries of Gloveism are starting to grate on voters and they’re tuning out, like those stupid UPS commercials with that dick and the white board.  Only Gloveism isn’t filling anybody with murderous rage…yet.”
 
For its part, GLAD feels that “unfortunately, gloveism is real and it needs to be addressed, preferably through intrusive school curriculums designed to teach children what types of behavior are and are not wrong.”

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Gwen Ifill has been given the green light by, er, a very prestigious, totally unbiased panel.

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Pretty good, there's also this one from The People's Cube,

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Thanks to the conservative movement coming apart at the seams over the bailout bill/coming zombie apocalypse, we have a lot of new readers here at DPUD. I know it can get confusing telling who’s who, what with a cast of thousands of cobloggers, not to mention frequent commenters with names that sound like porn stars.

So I’ve put together this handy guide to who’s who at DPUD. Hey, I don’t just write fake news stories; I’m all about helpfulness. That, and gratuitous nudity.

Click below the fold to see a brief bio of our menagerie here at DPUD.

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Can you imagine this?

The couple arrived at the luxury resort on Monday and spent time enjoying the sun and splashing around in the sea.

Wearing a black bikini, Lindsay, 22, smothered herself in suncream as Sam, 31, relaxed on a lounger.

They later played a game of scrabble under the shade of some palm trees.

How many points is "ADEQUITE?"

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 08:33 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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The Douchebag Anti-Defamation League today sent letters to over a dozen prominent right-wing bloggers, demanding that they stop using the perjorative “douchebag” when referring to certain public persons, particularly Barney Frank and Chris Dodd. 
 
The move follows a report that such references have spiked 85% in the past three days, with the term "Congressional Douchebags" rocketing up 5,000%.
 
“We at DADL want to remind these people that douchebags serve an important function and do not at all deserve to be impugned by becoming equated with persons of low morals, intellect, or very often both, such as congressmen.  Women have had confidence in douchebags for decades as something they can count on, whereas no one of any intelligence would ever have any confidence in these nimrods, except for confidence that they can do the worst possible thing at the worst possible time.”
 
At least one blogger issued an apology, writing on his blog “I realize now that my hateful rhetoric has been wrong.  DADL has rightfully pointed out that douchebags serve a purpose, whereas people like Chris Dodd’s only purpose is to keep sunlight from reaching the ground.  And most things on the ground actually want to get sunlight.”
 
DADL suggested bloggers use one of the many existing insults already in circulation.  “It’s the only way to keep this from happening again,” they said in their e-mail.  â€œDon’t make us form another anti-defamation league!”

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After a long battle between faux Republican governor Arnold Swartzenegger and the California Legislature, which is mostly communist with a green garnish, the government of the largest state has committed itself to developing its vast resources of smug for the production of clean energy, which it hopes to provide to the rest of the nation.

“Just the smug from San Francisco alone could power the Eastern seaboard!” said Green Party chairman Karl Lenin. “And if we can get even one of the smug generators in West Hollywood or Beverly Hills operating, we’d be able to power every state west of the Rockies! Except for Wyoming, home of Dick Cheney and a festering hellhole that should be depopulated.”

A spokesman for the governor called it “yet another nail in the coffin of Arnold’s political career and a clear sign that the constitutional ban on non-citizens running for president was a very good thing.”

Scientists pointed out that there is no known way to turn smug into anything other than annoyance, but other than global warming they are typically wrong about everything, so they may be ignored.

Millionaire investor T. Boone Pickens said he looked forward to selling the Smug Collectors, because “whether or not they work I’ll get my millions selling them.”

Al Gore said that while encouraging, the step didn’t go far enough. “We’ve reached a tipping point, a veritable point of no return, where we are over the knife edge and past the event horizon. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m out of trite phrases, and I have to go now because I just got word that another one of my houses has been burned to the ground.”

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In this spirit of revolt against the oppressors of bacon, I thought it pertinent to share with you a bit of fashion royalty.

Now all I need is a matching scepter and a royal court to serve me. Muhahahahahaha!

(h/t)

Posted by: conservativebelle at 10:28 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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