Vice-Presidential candidate Joe Biden clarified his terrifying ordeal as the tail gunner in an Iraq helicopter today, earning a five-minute standing ovation from the press room and an acknowledgment from neutral PBS observers that his military experience "is second only to Eisenhower in presidential lore."
 
"We were under attack!" Biden told a roomful of reporters at Washington's prestigious Watergate Hotel.  "When the guy manning the machine gun got hit, I had to take over to protect our previous cargo: the load of Iraqi orphans that we were ferrying to the Better Life Foundation, which helps them find good homes by pairing them up with caring celebrities around the world."
 
Pausing to wipe a tear from his heroic eye at the thought of those poor waifs, Biden continued.  "Although in the beginning I struggled to get the gun under control, and I received some burns to my face, arms, and hair plugs, I managed to shoot down three enemy helicopters, two jets, a heat-seeking missile, four RPGs, and a nasty-looking bird with a bad case of diarrhea."
 
Biden concluded the modest description of his heroics by noting that "the captain wanted to give me a Congressional Medal of Honor, to go along with my Congressional Medal of Freedom, Purple Heart, Bronze Star, Green Clover, and Blue Diamonds, but I told him to keep his lucky charm for some other deserving soldier.  Then I went on my way, after I'd built several dozen homes and rent-controlled apartments single-handedly in the mean streets of Baghdad."
 
He then flashed his legendary smile, and the cynical press core felt their hearts lift in a rush of joy at having this noble hero regale them with such a regal tale, unlike some presidential candidates, who claim that America's enemies are torturous barbarians whose only thought is to inflict pain and score cheap propaganda points.
 
In other news, Sarah Palin is still dangerously unqualified to be President and her continued presence on the Republican ticket calls into doubt the sanity of elderly coot John McCain.

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