A study released by New York University’s Department of Psychology, which was initially intended to discover the reasoning behind political decision-making as the vote drew nearer, has instead revealed the shocking conclusion that conservatives are losers, and often voter for candidates who are just like they are.
 
“Of course we suspected that conservatives who vote Republican were losers,” said Chekov Trope, one of the authors of the study.  “But we didn’t realize that they were losers because they were conservatives.  In fact, we thought it was the other way around.  But research showed us otherwise.”
 
The study showed that those who identified themselves as conservative, yet voted for Barack Obama, are good and decent people who are willing to think of the future and make a better world for their children.  However, those who voted for the Republican ticket are hate-filled bitter-enders who fear brown people, and often have body odor problems.
 
A disturbing undercurrent of sexual arousal due to bacon, or bacophilia, was also noted by the authors.  Ultimately, though, this was deemed too seedy to explore.  But they advise people not to purchase pork products from butchers who are known Republicans.
 
Tripe also noted that conservative intellectuals had known for some time this was true, as “many of them flocked to Obama in order to boost their self-esteem in the critical last few days before the election, as well as seize valuable invitations to cocktail parties, where their self-worth will be further bolstered.  Because nothing makes you feel better than to be the only conservative in a room full of gin-swilling liberals.”

Posted by: plebian at 05:15 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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