Thanks to inside sources close to Obama campaign, I have managed to procure a copy of the list of crises that they think will present a clear and present danger within the first 90 days of an Obama presidency.  Further, they've outlined what they think the most probably response of President Obama would be, and taken the pains to outline some other scenarios which present better outcomes.
 
I understand that the list has not yet been reviewed by Obama, because he's been too busy working on his acceptance speech for the 2012 inauguration.  But here it is, as imagined by his own campaign:
 
The Moose Shot Heard 'Round the World
 
Dangerous radical Sarah Palin, known member of the Alaska Independence Party, will formally secede from the United States and declare Alaska an independent theocracy as punishment for losing the presidential election.  The breakaway province will likely be supported by both Russia, to weaken the US, and by Canada as punishment for rewriting NAFTA.
 
Obama's Response:  "So long, rednecks!  Don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you!"
 
Better Response:  Implore the UN to insert peacekeeping forces in Alaska to secure a long-lasting peace similar to what is enjoyed in spots around the world where the blue-helmeted soldiers have become synonymous with peace and harmony.
 
Flowergate
 
When a group of eager Cub Scouts tramples the White House garden, first lady Michelle Obama will be furious and insist that the President "show those rude boys proper behavior."  She may even insist on corporal punishment.
 
Obama's Response:  With a fearsome will reminiscent of Walter Mitty, Obama will call the Cub Scouts in for a meeting.  In a hilarious turn of events, Obama will end up as Pack leader and take the boys on a campout where, after a series of misadventures, he will end up swamping his canoe and lighting his shoes on fire.
 
Better Response:  Disband the boy scouts and require 40 hours per week of community service from every child under the age of 18, just to show that Obama is not the be trifled with.
 
A Night in Ford's Theater
 
A high school drama company stages a performance of the dreadfully unfunny "The Mouse that Roared."  The President and his entire cabinet are held hostage for four hours by the troupe, who are only slightly more lifeless than your average George Romero zombie.
 
Obama's Response:  In a tearful emergency State of the Union address, Obama announces that "this day I have surrendered, totally and without precondition, to the Grand Duchy of Fenwick.  I pray that they will be merciful and just to us, even though we don't deserve it."
 
Better Response:  All high school drama groups are outlawed.  It's just a cover for illicit drug use and people shagging in the costume rooms anyways.  And everybody knows the cool kids do debate and chess club anyways.
 
Maltese Missile Crisis
 
Long jealous of Sardinia's excessive influence over the naming of small canned fish, Malta obtains short-range missiles and insists that unless the world henceforth renames Anchovies the "Royal Sovereign Fish of Glorious Malta" they will destroy Sicily.
 
Obama's Response:  After insisting that "this is not the Malta that I thought I knew" he'll invite all parties involved over to the White House for a reconciliation dinner of his favorite dish, "Pizza with olives and Royal Sovereign Fish of Glorious Malta" and a side of "Belgian Fries" just to be on the safe side.
 
Better Response:  Surgical air strikes on Portugal which, though not involved in the controversy, should serve to prove that the US means business.  This will be followed by an angry speech by President Obama in the UN, ending with him banging his shoe on the table and shouting "we will bury you!"
 
The Thomas Cruise Incident
 
Katie Holmes shocks almost no one when she announces that she's separating from Tom Cruise, calling him "a religious weirdo" and implying that he is a closet homosexual.  Hollywood is outraged and demands that President Obama do something to set the young starlet straight, particularly to prevent Tom Cruise from ruining yet another nubile starlet, as is his wont.
 
Obama's Response:  Unable to refuse such a powerful part of the Democratic party, President Obama swings into action and requires that the couple attend weekly marriage counseling with supertherapist Dr. Phil, with Obama himself sitting in to "help heal their fractured souls."  He also creates a bill (quickly passed) requiring that all divorces must be approved by the husbands.  The bill is approved by NOW, which calls it "a significant progress in equalizing the sexes."
 
Better Response:  Those are pretty good, but also Scientology will further be recognized as "the guiding philosophical principle of the United States" since it was the religion of the founding fathers.  This will not require a constitutional change, since on the back of the constitution they find written in crayon "Scientology rules!  TJ"

Posted by: plebian at 04:16 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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