November 03, 2009
For just a second there, I thought, thank heavens this asshat isn't our president. And then I remembered Obamacare.
October 31, 2009
I can totally see Caesar talking like that, he wasn't no homorator like Cicero, he came, he saw he conquered and didn't take no backtalk from nobody.
I read about this choad praetor Rocco Landesman, saying that your new imperator Obamacus is "the most powerful writer since Julius Caesar" At first I was LMFAO because, let's face it, the Juice didn't waste his prime warror time word processing a bunch of papyrus scrolls. Word cuz, where I come from that kind of bullshit is for light-in-the-sandals scribefags like Livy and Plutarch. So I guess it was like hearing "Obama is the greatest chariot mechanic since Julius Erving." But then I think about it, and I'm like, WTF? Obama's palace asslick is comparing him to me? Srsly?
I mean, shit son, let's look at foreign policy. Back when the Juice was doin' his thang, them gutta thugs up in Gaul and Iberia knew better than disrespect Rome. 'Cause they knew the Juice had him a strong pimp hand, and he was liable to dial up his legions to go pop a pilium in their ass. This Obamacus clown? No time to talk to his own centurion general, that fool too busy ridin' his chariot all over Europa oratin' laments about his own damn empire. Sorry this, sorry that, open hand, please accept this reset button. Yeah, like that kind of bullshit is gonna calm those Parthians and Vandals and Barbarians the fuck down. And what exactly does he get for it? A couple 10 denarius "peace" medallions from the Goths and Gauls. Back in the day those Gauls had some straightup warrior badasses like Vercingetorix and Ambiorix, but apparently somewhere over the last 2000 years they turned into the biggest bunch of Eurohomos since the Athenians.
Iowahawk, the greatest channeler since Shirley MaClaine.
October 16, 2009
Important tip, when hunting hobos keep the Val-U-Rite consumption down until afterward.
October 13, 2009
October 12, 2009
Now, if you've ever been to Milwaukee, you'll notice that all of the bridges across the Milwaukee River seem to go at an angle as they cross. This is because the mayors of the feuding cities made sure their streets didn't line up. Fucking brilliant! Also, it was reported that one of the founding fathers would sell maps of the area without the other cities on it to keep the immigrants in his little town.
Looks like the spirit of cooperation is alive and well in Paris:
Two feuding mayors have taken their anger to the streets by declaring the same road one way - but in opposite directions.
October 11, 2009
Suck it, NYT!
I may have more later, but I am wiped out from another hectic weekend, and look forward to work, where I can sleep.
October 10, 2009
Gah! I was going to unload on Buckley, but then I realized he is so far gone, it's not worth it.
September 23, 2009
As my name says I am a moron. i have nothing better to do than post an article that is over 1 month old. I HAVE NO LIFE. Im an idiot . my name is Moron pundit
It is true. I have no life. And I love nothing more than to post old links.
But on Tuesday, McWilliams broke in, damaging both the front door and a window to get into the home. Shastany said more than $250 worth of damage was done to the door and window.He then took out the trash, broke into the garage and washed the car and kicked in the bedroom door to give her a foot massage.
"He broke into the house and used the computer to pay some bills," Shastany said.
How about some urn selection fail:
His homemade, 7-foot barber pole, made out of Styrofoam, mesh, stucco and some light metal materials, was stolen while he was inside his shop cutting hair, reports TCPalm.com
Alas, the ball of the pole also contained some of his deceased mother’s ashes.
Now that's a classy place to spend eternity.
And finally, some awesome media fail:
"We thought it was true so we printed it without checking," associate editor Hasanuzzuman Khan told the AFP news agency.
"We didn't know the Onion was not a real news site."
September 22, 2009
Police responded to the Winter Hill School playground at 115 Sycamore St. at about 11:31 p.m. Aug. 25 and broke up a group of people drinking and hanging out inside and outside the city park, which was closed. All city parks close at 10 p.m.
Police said everyone in the group left the park except 20-year-old Daniel Tomeo and his girlfriend, who left only after several requests. About 10 minutes later, police allegedly found the same group of people had returned to the Winter Hill playground. The group again left the park, except Tomeo and his girlfriend, police said. Tomeo was allegedly holding a glass alcohol bottle, and smashed the glass bottle on the ground when Officer Manzelli told him to put the bottle down.
Tomeo, who was allegedly intoxicated, told cops he did nothing and that it was his park. Tomeo was given another warning after his girlfriend convinced him to leave the park, according to reports.
But when Officer John Tam took the police canine for his routine walk just after midnight, he allegedly saw Tomeo and his girlfriend walking toward the park again. When she saw Tam’s police cruiser, the girlfriend allegedly turned around and walked in the opposite direction, but Tomeo allegedly walked into the park.
“I ain’t doing anything,” Tomeo allegedly said when Tam asked him to leave. “I’m just walking by. This is my park.”
I wonder if it would work to tell the office I own the road.
September 18, 2009
A MAN has been charged with stealing a sea container of premium imported beer from an industrial yard in Perth,
Dude drove up in a truck, loaded it and took off. They're saying 1349 "cartons", I don't know what a "carton" is, but it's worth $35 grand, Aussie money.
They caught the guy and busted him for pot too, but there is some good news:
Police are still trying to identify the co-offender and locate the missing beer. Suspect is presumed drunk and needing to whiz.
I may have added that last part.
H/T Nicole who I saw in cbullit's comments.
September 03, 2009
A DRINK-driving mother who loaded her car with five youngsters - including two in the boot - and then slammed into a tree after doing burnouts has been spared jail.
Depending on the age, being tossed in the trunk and having your mom do doughnuts might have been fun.
You know, right up until you hit the tree.
I do have to wonder if they're lobbying to get disgusted Morons anxious to leave the coming nannarchy in America.
On the drink-driving charge, Ashman lost her licence for six months, and for failing to ensure two passengers were wearing seatbelts she was fined $500.
Five bills and lose your license for 6 months for drunkenly throwing your kids in the trunk and doing doughnuts until you slammed into a tree?
If they'd let me keep my guns I'd already be there.
H/T somebody, probably Tim Blair, I emailed it to myself and forgot where I saw it.
August 25, 2009
Auto repairman James Prusci has seen some unusual things left in the cars he works on, but nothing quite like what he found Friday in the trunk of a Chevy Malibu.
A woman came into the Tires Plus in Winona just before noon, asking if the shop had time to replace a belt.
Prusci started the paperwork.
"Oh, by the way," the woman said. "I have a goat in my trunk."
Prusci didn't think he heard her right.
"Yes, a goat," the woman said. "And it's alive."
She planned to butcher the animal later but was passing through Winona on her way to St. Paul when the car broke down, Prusci remembered her saying.
The woman, and a man and child who were waiting for her outside, left while Prusci and other workers began the repairs.
After about 10 minutes, they could hear the goat crying.
"We cracked open the trunk, you know, so it could breathe," Prusci said. "And sure enough, there it was. It kind of poked its head up."
The goat had been painted purple and gold - the colors for the Minnesota Vikings. Shaved into its side was the No. 4 - the number of Brett Favre, who made his Vikings debut Friday night in a preseason game in the Twin Cities.
Wow. You could also file this under WTF Is Wrong With Wisconsin, I guess. As far as Brett Favre goes, a whole lot if you ask me.
PS: Moron Fantasy Football Is Open - Email me at chaos -dot - overlord - at - gmail -dot- com with the subject DPUD Football to sign up. Its free.
August 24, 2009
A man suspected of driving drunk is accused of ramming three cars early Sunday on a service road and a parking lot, making a U-turn on the road and attacking one car with his pickup truck, police said today.
No one was injured in the attack, police said.
Police arrested the driver after his truck became disabled and he got out of it, punched himself in the face and sat down.
* - Not actually the Mac guy but take a look at that mug shot and tell me he's not a dead ringer.
August 19, 2009
Police said Tuesday that a woman came across a yard sale that included some familiar items -- her own.Officers responded to the woman's house last week in the 800 block of Reece Road. The woman, whose name wasn't released, told Anne Arundel County police that her home and shed had been burglarized and that a "significant amount" of property had been stolen.Two days later, she noticed the yard sale taking place just a few houses away and observed that items being sold had been stolen from her during the burglary, police said.Detectives obtained a search warrant and recovered about $25,000 worth of the victim's property, which was returned to her.
And he would have gotten away with it if it weren't for that meddling retardation.
August 13, 2009
A woman whose truck was pulled over in Niceville for not having tag lights was very cooperative with police, but that didn’t help her much, nwfdailynews.com reported.
Rahkia Marie Anderson, 18, of Fort Walton Beach, told the officer she knew one of her passengers had marijuana on him because she had smoked with him, according to her arrest report.
When the officer found a straw in Anderson’s purse that is consistent with might be used to snort cocaine, she said the straw wouldn’t test positive for cocaine but it would for Xanax, the report said.
And while Anderson was in the Niceville police holding cell, she was overheard telling one of her passengers that she “had cocaine” in her “coochy,” the report said. When officers questioned her about her statement, Anderson removed a clear plastic baggy from inside her underwear, which tested positive for cocaine.
Once again, too stupid to fucking live. Some people just don't know when to shut up.
August 11, 2009
A Saudi businessman has purchased what is being described by the Canadian seller as the world's most expensive adult novelty item -- a solid 18-carat gold penis enlarger worth nearly 50,000 dollars.
Enjoy oppressing your women, needle dick.
August 10, 2009
"Wow, that's an impressive resume. Nurse of the year, you say?"
A Connecticut woman who authorities say spent more than $2,000 to stage a dinner honoring her as "Nurse of the Year" has been charged with pretending to be a nurse at a doctor's office. Betty Lichtenstein, 56, of Norwalk was charged Thursday.
Prosecutors say Dr. Gerald Weiss believed Lichtenstein was a registered nurse, especially after she was named the Connecticut Nursing Association's "Nurse of the Year" in 2008.
According to the arrest warrant, that association does not exist.
I'm going to drop my usual disdain for dishonesty and give the crazy lady mad props for this AWESOME method of getting a job. Of course, she should go to prison for a long time because she decided to attempt nursing without any qualifications. Still, the attempt was EPIC.
Maybe you should try being "Congressional Staffer of the Year." I hear they have no qualifications of note.
Ooh... sick Vinty burn!
August 07, 2009
Wrongful encarceration is still a major problem in this country no matter what those Rethuglicans say. Our justice system still miscarries as often as Lindsey Lohan on a bender.
Keith R. Griffin, of the 3600 block of Northeast Jeannette Drive, was charged Wednesday with 10 counts of possession of child pornography after detectives found more than 1,000 child pornographic images on his computer, according to a news release.
Griffin told detectives he would leave his computer on and his cat would jump on the keyboard.
When he returned, there would be strange material downloaded, the release states.
When asked how the greased up hammer found its way into his rectum, Griffin responded, "Alice H. tole me how to do it and what to look out for. That suction can be a real bitch."
Alice H. was unavailable for comment.
August 03, 2009
A dude tries to sell his 6 month old daughter on the street for a C-note so he can get high.
(In other news, NBC Philly obviously needs a web editor who speaks English, so put your moron goggles on when reading that. I found at least two errors pre-coffee today.)
July 20, 2009
In a small city in the Mississippi Delta, a board of aldermen were meeting to discuss the agenda and vote on motions. One alderman, Mala Brooks, wasn't happy about an item on the agenda. She launched into a long diatribe as a stalling tactic, despite Mayor Lowe's numerous attempts to move forward after a motion had been adopted. When she was deemed out of order, the Mayor asked for her removal from the meeting. (scroll to around 5:00 minutes to get to the beginning of the drama)
It should be noted that Alderman Brooks' mother was the former mayor of Leland and was defeated by the recently elected Mayor Lowe.]
Here is her dramatic temper tantrum in all its glory. WARNING: Racist language is used in this clip by Alderman Brooks.
So in order to avoid having to vote on immediate repayment of over $11,000 in unauthorized and unaccounted for expense checks written to her mother and herself, Alderman Mala Brooks (aka our Moron of the Day) screams for nearly 15 minutes that she hasn't done anything wrong and she's not leaving. The board voted unanimously that repayment be immediate.
Mississippi Delta politics - it doesn't get any better than this, folks.
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