August 27, 2008

Moron of the Day: Blind Drunk

Not content to be notorious for binge drinking and slurred speech, the Scots found a way to up the ante:

WITH one of the highest rates of binge drinking among teenagers, Scotland already has an unenviable reputation with alcohol.

But now experts are warning about a new trend among young people that is aimed at speeding up the process of getting drunk – pouring shots of alcohol directly into their eyes.

Known as "one-in-the-eye", it involves using shot glasses in a manner similar to that of eye-wash.

Despite the risk of blindness, users hope that by absorbing the alcohol via the membranes of the eye, it will enter the bloodstream more quickly and have a stronger effect when it reaches the brain.
I'm pretty sure if I saw that in person I'd laugh hysterically thinking about this:

Photobucket


Once again, remember: The children are our future:
Charlotte Greene, 23, said she drank a shot of vodka through her eye.

The former Strathclyde University student said: "It's the kind of daft thing more and more students are tempted to do. You're young and you're messing around.

"I took it like an eye-wash and then just waited to see what happened.

"It was very messy, most of it ran down my face and ruined my make-up.

"But it did start to sting almost straightaway and my eye went bright red and bloodshot.

"I'm not sure how much actually went in my eye. I had quite a lot to drink already but I think it did tip me over the edge.

"My eye was red and sore until the following evening. I was a bit worried I had damaged something. So I just drank the normal way after that.

"It was all a bit silly and a bit of an experiment, but it was fun at the time."
I hope she has 500 babies.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 10:03 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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August 26, 2008

Moron of the Day: Intoxication is Contageous

Remember,college students are our future:

The Mankato Free Press is reporting today that police said they observed 18-year-old James Carroll and decided to give him a preliminary breath test. Carroll scored a .063 percent reading, the Free Press said.

Carroll's excuse, according to the newspaper, was, "I just made out with a drunk girl."

Was she, by chance, from St. Paul? If not, exactly how drunk was this imaginarly woman? Did she know you were making out with her?

Anyway, I hope this guy is majoring in Political Science because I think we've found his calling.

Update: The link is fucked up so you can find the story here maybe.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 01:24 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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August 22, 2008

Moron of the Day: Mississippi Medicaid Thief

Let's say you were someone who ran an organization and the mission of said organization is to help troubled teenagers stay out of prison. Wouldn't you think it would be particularly prudent to not, um, get arrested?

Apparently, Aaron Ray Pulsifer doesn't think it is necessary.

Authorities allege in court documents that he used the organization to aid in a nearly three-year scheme in which he illegally received more than $1.1 million in Medicaid reimbursement.

Lowndes County court documents allege Pulsifer stole the identity of a woman, identified as Teresa Hubbard, then made several false reports to the state Medicaid Department without her knowledge - claiming she had provided diagnostic and counseling services on behalf of Youth Challenge to dozens of program participants.

Pulsifer was taking the kids to prison to show them how bad life was behind bars. After all, he should know since he was a convicted felon. Way to set an example.

So when moonbats give you that lame argument that there is hardly ever any documented evidence of fraud in our entitlement programs, you can remember Aaron Ray Pulsifer, the Moron of the Day, and how he "gave back" to the community (probably on the penal farm).

Posted by: conservativebelle at 02:18 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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August 18, 2008

Moron of the Day: Moron Pundit

Why do I claim Moron of the Day honors again? Because I was stupid enough to drive down one of the most dangerous highways in America and not realize it. Of course, you can guess what happened.

That's right. I totalled my car in a three-car dust up on Friday afternoon just west of Route 73 on U.S. Highway 20. Initially I and my passengers were stunned and bummed by the total loss of my new car and our clear inability to continue on to our planned camping trip. After several hours of cleanup and firefighters and exchanging insurance information, the officer offered to take me and my passengers into the bustling metropolis of Lena, IL.

The entire time we were dealing with the accident, I was told repeatedly by locals that this was one of the most dangerous highways in America. On the ride into town, while giving us a tour of the three blocks that comprised Lena, I was told more than once how dangerous that corner was. After being dropped off at the local pub by the State Trooper (hey, we definitely weren't driving and could use the drink) we were famous and were barraged by condolences from people that see this all too often.

Turns out, this highway has been a known issue to the government of Illinois for 40 years and nothing has been done to improve it. How bad is it?

The growth in travel demand along existing U.S. Route 20 has increasingly affected flow, particularly during summer and fall weekends when tourists and part-time residents travel within and through the project area. Most of the existing route between Galena and Freeport does not meet IDOT’s current design standards for a rural two-lane highway. Nearly fifty percent of the route contains horizontal and/or vertical curves that do not meet IDOT’s current standards for a rural two-lane highway designed for 100 kph (60 mph). Both crash rates and crash frequencies have been consistently above statewide averages for a rural two-lane route during the past twenty years. The project as planned would address these concerns. Upon completion of the project and the Mississippi River Bridge in Dubuque/East Dubuque, U.S. Route 20 would have continuous four-lane capacity from Waterloo, Iowa to Rockford, Illinois.

Again I remind you, this has been known for 40 years (the intersection just east of where I crashed was featured on the cover of an engineering magazine back in the 60's).

Fucking bastards.  I loved that car. 

Anyway, I'm obviously a moron for not being aware of the danger I was in and taking extra precautions.  At least I was lucky enough to emerge without injury as did everyone involved.  Thank God for small miracles.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 11:05 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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August 12, 2008

Morons of the Day: Spanish Basketball Federation

Someone thought this ad would fly:

The photo accompanying the ad, however — showing all team members making a slant-eyed gesture — raised eyebrows and sparked international outrage.

That someone is a moron. After all, we're all racist, gun-clinging paint-huffers.

p.s.  - Perhaps a turn of phrase involving slant-eyed gestures raising eyebrows is a bit forced?  Wait, not forced.  Retarded. 

Yup, retarded. That's what I meant. 

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 04:26 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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August 11, 2008

Moron of the Day: The Liukins

I understand it may be a normal name in Russia but you really should have checked out how Nastia Liukin sounded in your newly adopted country.

Seriously?  Nastia Liukin?  Was Fugly taken?  I thought it was a joke the first thirty times I heard it.

Lucky for her, she's not.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 09:19 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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August 07, 2008

Moron of the Day: I'd Hammer in the Morning, I'd Hammer in the Evening

All up in my... wait, what?

While on patrol Monday evening, an Indiana cop noticed a naked guy standing in the window of a Fort Wayne home. So she approached the man's front door, which was wide open, to investigate further. It was then that Officer S. Hughes and a colleague were treated to the sight of a prone Ronald Miller, 56, engaging in a remarkably lewd act on his living room sofa.
Remarkably lewd? I doubt I'll be impressed:
I called for assistance from another on-duty unit and together Officer Tim Hughes [...] and I approached the residence on foot. [...] I could clearly see through the open front door, the male white, later identified as Ronald H. Miller, was lying on his sofa inserting an item, later identified as a claw hammer covered with a plastic bag, into his rectum while completely naked. We observed he had some type of lubricant on his genital area and buttocks which we learned was motor oil.

10 points for originality.  The only thing missing from the report is "alcohol was involved" but I think we can safely assume.

His neighbors wanted it to be known that Ronald "The Hammer-Jammer" Miller was "not right."

No fucking shit.

(Thanks to Mthulhu)

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 02:35 PM | Comments (19) | Add Comment
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August 04, 2008

Moron of the Day: Beerconomics

If I hand you a ten-dollar bill and ask you to pick up beer, you had better come back with more than 4 cans of Natural fucking Light*:

Grady "Skip" Wilburn Dollar, 64, was accused of stabbing Mickey Joe Hill, 37, during a dispute early Thursday, said Sgt. Mark Richard of the Lawrence County Sheriff's Department.

Richard said the two men had been drinking together when Dollar gave Hill $10 and told him to go to the store for more. Richard said Hill brought back only four cans of Natural Light, a low-cost brand, and Dollar got mad that he didn't get more for his money.

"He said, 'For $10 you could have gotten a half case,'" said Richard. "Four cans of Natural Light only cost $3 or $4."

The victim then asked for one of the four beers and pushed the older man when he refused to hand one over, the investigator said.

"Then the suspect went to the kitchen, got a big butcher knife and came back and stabbed him," Richard said.

Consulting my Wisconsin Beer Price Almanac ™, I see that you can get a 30-pack of discount beer (Ice House, Natual Ice, etc.) for about $11.99. This means, if I give you ten dollars and you expect to have any of the beer this money has purchased, I'd better see a nice cube-o-suds in your hand when you get back.

Stabby obviously stole money or beer or both and deserved none of the remaining ambeersia. I believe God said it best in the commandments: "Thou shalt not fuck with a man's beer or a man's car lest you be shunned." To respond to a just shunning with a knife is sacrilege.

I say, give him the chair.

* - Note that this occured outside the borders of Wisconsin so no, I wasn't involved.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 12:03 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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