June 30, 2008

Moron of the Day: Burning Man

Remember that part in 40 Year Old Virgin where they kept saying "You know how I know you're gay?"

Well, I've got one. You know how I know this guy is retarded? He's a performance artist*:

A San Francisco performance artist was sentenced Friday to as many as four years in prison and ordered to pay restitution for the early torching last summer of the signature effigy of the counterculture Burning Man festival.

Paul Addis pleaded guilty in May to one felony count of injury to property stemming from the burning of the 40-foot icon on Aug. 28 β€” four days earlier than planned. He was ordered to pay $30,000 in restitution.

That is just too fucking awesome. A counterculture festival pressing charges against a guy for burning their giant anarchist effigy too early. Once again, the rebels have turned into the man, keeping honest, hard-working** performance artists down.

* - Seriously, can't we just be honest and use the term "unemployed, homeless person" instead of performance artists? Euphamisms are beneath us.

** - While I have no doubt that peeing in alleys, sleeping under newspapers and painting your face like a luchador is 'hard work,' I'm not going to give him too much credit on the honesty because the mentally challenged are typically fonts of truth and whatever the opposite of subtlety is.

As is my wont, Douchey McShitstain meets his 'maker' in the extended entry.

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June 27, 2008

Moron of the Day: John Paul Stevens

Categorize this quote in the "you can't make this shit up" section:

The [Supreme] Court would have us believe that over 200 years ago, the Framers made a choice to limit the tools available to elected officials wishing to regulate civilian uses of weapons.

Why, it's almost as if the constitution was written entirely to constrain the powers of government and preserve the freedom individuals. Why, when I look at the bill of rights, I notice there are several "limits to the tools available to elected officials' relating to no less than 10 different topics!

  1. The [Surpreme] Court would have us believe that over 200 years ago, the Framers made a choice to limit the tools available to elected officials wishing to regulate civilian uses of speech and the press.
  2. The [Supreme] Court would have us believe that over 200 years ago, the Framers made a choice to limit the tools available to elected officials wishing to regulate civilian uses of weapons.
  3. The [Supreme] Court would have us believe that over 200 years ago, the Framers made a choice to limit the tools available to elected officials wishing to house military men and equipment in civilian homes.
  4. The [Supreme] Court would have us believe that over 200 years ago, the Framers made a choice to limit the tools available to elected officials wishing to search individuals' homes and persons in order to prevent crime.
  5. The [Supreme] Court would have us believe that over 200 years ago, the Framers made a choice to limit the tools available to elected officials wishing to convict a criminal of a crime, force the accused to admit guilt or take land for public use.
  6. The [Supreme] Court would have us believe that over 200 years ago, the Framers made a choice to limit the tools available to elected officials wishing to try crimes in the most convenient and efficient manner possible, regardless of speed or method of conviction.
  7. The [Supreme] Court would have us believe that over 200 years ago, the Framers made a choice to limit the tools available to elected officials wishing to arbitrarily decide civil suits by judicial decree.
  8. The [Supreme] Court would have us believe that over 200 years ago, the Framers made a choice to limit the tools available to elected officials wishing to torture and bankrupt criminals in whatever way is deemed necessary.
  9. The [Supreme] Court would have us believe that over 200 years ago, the Framers made a choice to limit the tools available to elected officials wishing to take any rights from the people not herein protected.
  10. The [Supreme] Court would have us believe that over 200 years ago, the Framers made a choice to limit the tools available to elected officials wishing to usurp the rights of states or people that are not explicitely given to the Federal Government.

Does any of that sound ludicrous to you?  And this guy is supposedly a constitutional scholar?  Where'd he go to college, the University of Marx?  What an unbelievable dipshit. 

John Paul Stevens, you're not only Moron of the Day (a dubious honor), you're a fucking retard.  Enjoy your helmet and mashed vegetables, mouthbreather.

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June 26, 2008

Moron of the Day: Tim Blair

Okay, the story doesn't actually name Tim Blair as the offender but I think we all know it is him:

Police in Australia have charged a man for drink driving in a motorized wheelchair after he was found to be six times over the legal alcohol limit, local media reported on Monday.

Police in the tropical northern Queensland city of Cairns said the man had a blood alcohol reading of 0.31, and was so drunk he was asleep at the controls of his motorized wheelchair in a turning lane of a major highway.

My only consolation is knowing that, because it was Tim Blair, that motherfucker was supercharged.

Update: Heh:

Alaska State Troopers used lights and sirens to apprehend a North Pole man suspected of driving under the influence after he allegedly led them on a slow-speed chase that covered several lawns.

The 20-year-old man was on a riding mower. Sunday's pursuit lasted about 200 feet and reached speeds of up to 5 mph before a trooper got out of a cruiser and told the man to stop.

Troopers received a call early Sunday complaining of an intoxicated man driving a mower. They said Wyatt Lewis's blood-alcohol content was 0.18 percent, more than twice the legal limit of 0.08 percent.

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June 25, 2008

Morons of the Day: Eau Du Cat Piss

While I lack hilarious detail, I think we can all read into this story enough to enjoy their stupidity:

A neighbor complained of a strong smell in the area around the home on East Follett Street.

After investigating, the officer found the cats inside the home.

Police said the house belongs to two brothers.

As of this report, it’s unclear why the men had so many cats.*

Thanks to South Park, I think we all know why they had so many cats...

* - Yes, the original story was comprised of 6 one sentence paragraphs. 

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June 16, 2008

Moron of the Day: Priorities

As is often the case, he's just living the Ace of Spades Lifestyle.  Hard:

An Italian man was arrested on suspicion of kidnapping his ex-girlfriend from a pub, taking her home and forcing her to iron his clothes and wash the dishes, police said on Monday.

The 43-year-old man dragged the woman out of a pub in the port city of Genoa, shoved her into a car and took her to his home where he made her iron and wash dishes after threatening her, they said.

He later told police, "I'd rather go to prison for 20 years than do my own laundry," while showering himself in Val-U-Rite box wine.

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June 12, 2008

Moron of the Day: Applying Yourself

The stupidity never ceases to amaze me. Today, we have a teenager who decided to steal a credit card and buy some shit with it. However, before leaving the store he had one more errand to take care of:

Police say a Dover, New Hampshire, teen suspected of using a stolen credit card at a store left a pretty good clue to his identity by filling out a job application at the same store.

Why are criminals so stupid? Because if they weren't retarded, they wouldn't be criminals in the first place. It's like, why aren't prostitutes or strippers pretty? Because pretty whores become models*.

* - I'm not saying all models are pretty whores. I am saying that all pretty whores would prefer to be models.

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June 11, 2008

Moron of the Day: Joy Riding

This guy sounds like a class act:

Police have heard many excuses from suspected drunk drivers over the years.

But police say what they heard from a Toms River man is one for the books: He told them he was driving around until he was sober enough to go home, fearing his mother would know he was drunk.

But before he could make it home Monday, police say 36-year-old Edward Defreitas crashed into an ambulance, causing it to overturn in the Route 70 circle in Lakehurst.
Sweet move dude.

Of course, the stupidest thing about this story is that he was just driving around! That shit's expensive!  Ramming into an ambulance drunk seems intelligent by comparison.

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June 09, 2008

Moron of the Day: Rupert Everett

The foppish dandy who wowed audiences with his toughness in the savage action hit "My Best Friend's Wedding" just called British soldiers wimps:

According to the U.K.'s Daily Mail, the 49-year-old gay actor β€” whose father is a retired major in the British Army β€” said the troops today "are always whining about the dangers of being killed. Oh my God, they are such wimps now!" he said.
What a fucking tard. While he may have some small point when it comes to British soldiers being a little less horrifyingly manly than they were when they ruled the world, each one of them is still miles ahead of anyone that has costarred in a romantic comedy with Julia Roberts. To his credit, he did star in the stupendously odd, violent and barely comprehendible zombie movie Cemetery Man. Of course, this was nearly two decades ago before he started sucking (pun intended).

Cemetery Man

You get into all sorts of trouble if you kill people if they're still alive.
 
Ah, the movie that taught me how to make dum-dum rounds.

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June 07, 2008

Moron of the Day: Contrarian Bullshit

Photobucket
New L.A. Times Corporate Logo


Every time I need a refresher as to why I could never be a liberal, I just read an op-ed piece in the Los Angeles Times:
Thursday's arraignment before a military tribunal of five Al Qaeda members accused of planning and assisting the 9/11 terrorist atrocities seemed custom-made to assist the loathsome defendants in achieving exactly what they desire -- an aura of martyrdom.
Yes, that's right. The desire to apply the rule of law to these monsters while giving them far, far more dignity then they deserve is playing right into their hands. These motherfucking retards on the left used that same tired argument back when they were opposing the invasion of Afghanistan and later that of Iraq. "You're doing exactly what they want you to do!"

For some reason, it seems to me that hunting these degenerates down, trying them, convicting them and executing them isn't exactly their idea of a good time.

Of course, what's missing from the article is exactly what we should do with these mass murders.  Let them go?  Give them a life sentence?  Imagine someone like KSM in prison writing letters and books for the rest of his life.  Fuck that shit.  No, the only logical solution is to execute the motherfucker in the most public way available.  It may 'play into his hands' for the hard-core jihadis but they aren't the ones to whom we're trying to send a message.  The guy considering taking a few bucks to blow up a Marine barracks may think twice when he sees the second biggest badass in Al Qaeda swinging in the breeze. 

Anyway, there's much more retarded bullshit in this piece but you'll have to put on your thigh boots if you are going to wade into that swamp.

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June 06, 2008

Moron of the Day: Sorry, Dad!

I overlooked this the first time through the feeds today because it seemed pretty standard:

An Indian man, frustrated at failing to find employment, ordered the murder of his father...
Booooooring... or is it?
...to get his government job...
Okay, I know these cushy government jobs have greet benefits but give me a break. Maybe you murder your dad to steal his kickass Dunkin Donuts franchise (sorry, couldn't help it) but not to be the counter clerk at the DMV. That's just insane.
... a day before the victim was to retire ...

Okay, that's just fucking awesome.  You, sir, are moron of the day.  Today's parting gifts include a helmet, a bottle of Flavorite Vodka and a life-sentence supply of KY jelly. 

You'll see why.

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June 04, 2008

Moron of the Day: Oh, Somebody Knows

One need only look at the United Nations to witness that staggering apex of human stupidity. Observe:
"Nobody understands how $11 to $12 billion a year of subsidies in 2006 and protective tariff policies have had the effect of diverting 100 million tonnes of cereals from human consumption, mostly to satisfy a thirst for fuel for vehicles," said FAO head Jacques Diouf, opening the summit at the body's Rome headquarters.
 
This statement is so absurdly stupid that I feel a desperate need to believe he is joking. Why, it is almost like some magical force drives prices up when demand is artificially inflated by subsidies and protection.
 
Even better? The solution found by these dipshits is to subsidize food production on the other side! Of course, this will just cause the prices to rise again as the two sides get into a government funded bidding war with other people's money.
 
People actually want to put these helmeted retards in charge of the whole planet?

Update: But wait, there's more:
U.S. Senator Tom Coburn today sent letters to the Secretary of State, Secretary of Agriculture, and the Administrator of USAID requesting all taxpayer support of the U.N. Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO) be terminated until its director general, Jacques Diouf, resigns. Diouf made a mockery of the 2008 World Food Summit by inviting Zimbabwe president Robert Mugabe and Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to participate. Both men are responsible for the misery and starvation of millions.
Of course, this is starting to leave moron territory for the greener pastures of doucheland.

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June 02, 2008

Moron of the Day: DPUD

Moron Blogging


I know it may be in bad taste to bash the host in my first post but that only proves my point. He leaves little choice when he starts copying keys and turns this place into a Moron clown car. It reminds me of Nancy Pelosi shrieking about putting the reins of power into the hands of the children (funny unintentionally, I'm sure). Besides, I'm not the only one doing it; Jack M. and her lovely sister Gabe M. are constantly calling out Wicket or whoever runs Ace of Spades.

In all seriousness, I'm really excited to be invited over to doubleplusundead and intend to bring my unique brand of zombie strategy, home improvement tips, and political art to all you morons.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 05:19 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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