September 08, 2008
Andrew Sullivan, whose popular conservative online column The Daily Dish has guided the conservative movement for almost a decade, has had another of his trademark changes of heart.
Sullivan explained his reasoning as follows (link not available due to DPUD posting guidelines):
"I have discovered that Sarah Palin is actually a man; specifically, she is Karl Rove's brother who had a sex change in 1980. This entire façade is a lie designed by Christianists to justify plunging the world into chaos in hopes that it will spur the arrival of their messiah, I have come to understand."
"Furthermore, since she's a man, those children aren't hers. So whose are they? I think we can safely assume that they were kidnapped, which means that, like I said earlier, the Palin family is like the Manson family, only even more dangerous to Hollywood. They must be stopped before their drooling cultist fringe wackos can infiltrate society even more than they already have!"
Sullivan also said that he believed McCain knew exactly what he was signing on for when he drafted Palin.
"McCain's an old man, and old men are notoriously lecherous, and McCain's realized that he never experimented enough, so he's up for a woman who used to be a man. It's as close to human contact as McCain will get, since his wife is actually a prototype Japanese sex robot controlled by the Rand Corporation. Have I mentioned that, actuarially speaking, McCain is far more likely to die at any moment than, say, a mid-forties African American smoker?"
This time, though, Sullivan provided corroborating evidence for his theories:
"I received this alert from a concerned reader which finally helped me to understand the true nature of the she-devil that has taken over the Republican Party and who threatens to destroy all life as we know it on this planet as part of her mad, Christianist plot. I print it here with the concerned consent of its author:
dear andrew: i have always been a fan u should go read my blog post at trollbooger.com about Sarah Palin u will find it interesting i promise u big hearts, Peter Platt."
Sullivan ended by noting that:
"It's clear after spending a day with the Zionist warmongers AIPAC and her close proximity to known Zionists like Joe Lieberman Sarah Palin cannot be trusted. Only Barack Obama, a man untainted by any sin or scandal, can possibly be considered pristine enough to wear the mantle that is currently sullied by our torturer-in-chief, may he soon rot in jail."
"God. Help. Us. All. Not that I believe in God or anything."
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In the national race, McCain leades Obama 54-44, with 2% of respondents saying that "I wish this was over."
When separated by employment, the survey shows that 82% of people with a fakey job title (community anythings, non-medical –ologists, and over-25 students) support Obama, while only 10% support McCain. The other 8% requested information on "how to score some cheaper weed."
Among the gainfully employed, 78% support McCain, while 22% support Obama "because I think that his confiscatory tax policies are aimed at everybody else."
The big news, though, was Palin's drop in support in Alaska, where her approval rating sank from 86% down to 77% virtually overnight.
When surveyed, the 23% disapproval rating broke down into three groups:
-60% said that they didn't like her anyways
-22% responded "would like to elaborate dislike in an interview."
-10% said "I want to be on TV too just like the handful of residents that don't like her."
-8% were unable to respond further because they were preparing for TV interviews.
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September 05, 2008
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I think I know what "O-Dub" does when his local Mickey D's runs out of Filet O' Fishes.
or
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September 04, 2008
It goes without saying that the other two candidates (McCain and Biden) are essentially the same, except for one of them is an irascible iconoclast who frequently says and does things that shock his party establishment, and the other one also has hair plugs.
Difference #1: Family Relations
Sarah Palin was on stage during the convention with her family. Obama was an absentee father, speaking to his family via videolink, and was still caught lying about where he was by his oldest.
Advantage: Obama, because children need to be taught from an early age that you can't trust politicians.
Difference #2: Family Values
Obama follows the classic parental "do as I say not as I do" approach of smoking out of view. Palin lives out her pro-life values so convincingly that even her daughter got caught up with baby fever.
Advantage: Obama, because smoking makes you look cool, while kids should wait until marriage before engaging in wanton carnality.
Difference #3: Gender Relations
Palin has left the wreckage of several men's political careers in her wake. Obama has a knack for knocking off women's political aspirations.
Advantage: Obama, because everybody knows that it's a lot harder for a man to beat a woman in an election than vice-versa.
Difference #4: The Value of Life
While Palin apparently stalks and kills living creatures on a regular basis, Obama prefers to let others do his dirty work for him.
Advantage: Obama, because killing things should be left to professionals.
Difference #5: Attendance
Palin once up and quit a job without any warning at all over a perceived slight, but you can always count on Obama to be 'Present.'
Advantage: Obama, because I want to know that my duly appointed representative is present and accounted for.
Difference #6: Set Design
Obama likes the faux Greek look. Palin, not so much.
Advantage: Obama. If it was good enough for Aeschylus, then it's good enough for me.
Difference #7: Travel Style
Palin sold her governor's jet on E-Bay. Obama had his worked up with a mock presidential seal.
Advantage: Obama, because what fool gives up a private plane?
Difference #8: Acquaintances
Obama surrounds himself with wholesome friends, like ministers and English teachers and land speculators. Palin likes to consort with lowlife Eskimos, oil company executives, and shady foreign agents.
Advantage: Obama, because I'm sure that Palin's cohorts are planning on some kind of reconquista, while Obama's friends would never do such a thing.
Difference #9: Energy Policy
Palin knows exactly where in the Alaskan slope to drill for oil. Obama has at least seven or eight whole new states to explore for energy.
Advantage: Obama. Who knows what kind of mineral resources those other states might hold? Maybe there's a candy tree or a whiskey river there, too!
Difference #10: Responsiveness
When his wife was criticized, Obama declared her off-limits. When her family was criticized, Palin returned fire.
Advantage: Obama. Remember, dialogue is better than diatribe.
Overall: Obama wins, 10-0, an ultimate knockout. I move that we proceed directly to presidency by acclimation.
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Reactions to Republican VP nominee Sarah Palin's speech last night varied from soaring joy on the right to stomach-chilling dread on the left. But at least one analyst admitted that it left him weeping tears of joy at finally connecting on a deep, emotional level with a candidate.
Noted conservative intellectual and strategist Andrew Sullivan couldn't write enough about the Alaskan governor on his top-rated blog, the Daily Dish, and praised her fulsomely throughout the early morning (direct link not available because of DPUD posting guidelines).
"I can't say enough positive things about Sarah Palin," Sullivan wrote. "She only just started speaking when I felt it deep within my bosom: an undying love for this simple, plain-spoken, latter-day Sarah Plain and Tall. By midway through I was crying in great gouts for this woman who I love like a sister. I had to watch the end of the speech on TiVo because my bawling drown out her soaring rhetoric."
Sullivan said he connected deeply with her simply story of family values and do-it-yourself Americanism.
"I realized that this woman's story is my story. She fights against corruption, and I fight against corruption. She sells things on e-bay, I sell things on e-bay. She has sex with hunky Eskimos, and I often fantasize about having sex with hunky Eskimos. We are essentially the same person, especially around Halloween when I, too, dress up like a naughty librarian."
He said he now regretted his political choices over the past few months and hoped that the Republicans would find room for him.
"I'm sorry for my apostasy. All I can say is that I was gobsmacked by false projection, and that in the future I will offer my most concerted efforts to prevent any further misdirection of my energies. I am, and always will be, a dedicated conservative. How could I have ever believed that Barack Obama would be good for this country?!"
Sullivan did note that he still had grave misgivings about the Republican platform.
"I still don't agree with the party on the Anti-Gerbil plank of the platform, at least not until they add in either a Hamster or Pundit exception. Because I don't want the government prying into people's bedrooms. "
"Leave. That. For. The. Media."
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Sarah = All you can eat hot wings
Barack = Michael Moore's underwear
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September 03, 2008
Isn't it convenient that Hurricane Gustav dissipated, but not before it menaced the Republican National Convention enough to force the most unpopular president since John Adams to cancel his appearance?
That's the question being asked by investigative journalist Andrew Sullivan in his latest dispatch on the popular consertive blog, Daily Dish (link unavailable due to DPUD posting guidelines). The former GOP strategist turned philosopher wrote that:
"It seems awfully convenient that head torturer George Bush was able to have an excuse not to visit the mob of religious fanatics calling itself a convention, and instead was represented via a message from the head dominatrix of the US, who is for some gobsmackingly unknown reason popular with the type of sniveling worm that is causing this country to sink into a despair that only Barack Obama can pull us out of."
However, using contacts developed during his long years within the inner circle of the Republicans, Sullivan thinks he knows the answer:
"They have a weather machine. They used it to destroy New Orleans three years ago, and now they've used it to help get their convention off to a stealthy start so that they can insert platform points about making the official religion of the United States Jews for Jesus and making it illegal to put gerbils in your anus. Not that I do that very often.
"It's also pretty convenient that they managed to get independent journalists like Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews distracted with faux hurricane coverage, instead of continuing to dig in to the real stories that impact this nation, like the bedroom habits of Bristol Palin and vetting via innuendo. If it's on Google, it's good."
Later, Sullivan asserted that "very often" constituted more than five times per week. He went on to note that:
"John McCain is very old and will likely die before inaguration, so the anti-Jew status of his hateful sidekick is important for voters to realize, as well as her passion for forcing her children to bear offspring that she then raises as her own in cultlike fashion. This is why Bush and Co. menaced Louisiana with Hurricane Gustav: to distract the nation.
"Remember, these people shoot their friends in the face with shotguns just for fun!"
Fortunately, Sullivan also had an explanation on how Bush could prove that he was innocent of malfeasance:
"All the torturer-in-chief needs to do to prove he doesn't have a weather machine is allow free and open access to all the scientific records of the national labs, preferably by posting them all on the Internet, as well as give detailed accounting of his movements the last three years. Until he does this, I will believe that there is something to hide."
"There. Is. No. Other. Explanation."
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September 02, 2008
2) Thou shalt not make a campaign button or T-shirt on thy own, but rather buy it from my website or local campaign office.
3) Thou shalt not blaspheme my name, and thou shalt ever profane those who do.
4) Thou shalt accept my platitudes, and keep them holy.
5) Thou shalt honor the actor, the newsman, and the professor, for verily they are my true acolytes and understand my glory better than thou dost.
6) Thou shalt not watch TV ads from my opponents, for they spread naught but lies about me.
7) Thou shalt not Google the words Rezko, nor Born Alive, nor William Ayers, nor Annenberg, nor arugula, nor Bill Clinton, nor Jeremiah Wright, nor Trinity Church, nor…upon second thought, thou shalt not Google at all. Verily, that shall be best for everyone, particularly me.
8) Thou shalt not steal, except for the biography of Welsh Politicians.
9) Thou shalt pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
10) Thou shalt justify my actions.
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September 01, 2008
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While other sites fumble around like a nerd trying to undo a bra in the dark, here at DPUD we've got the straight deal. That's right: those pix you been looking for are just below the fold.
Click on for pictures that will rock this presidential race to the ground!
more...
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Speaking from his office in Towson, renowned Washington psychologist Lewis "Lou" Berral said that he thought the pick signaled that McCain had an Agamemnon Complex, identified by Freud as the condition where a much older man becomes enamored of a younger woman, often with disastrous results (in Greek myth Agamemnon was stabbed to death by his wife because he had an affair with a younger woman).
"It's a classic case, and a pattern that has repeated itself inside and outside of politics since time immemorial," said Dr. Berral. "McCain passed over other, much more qualified politicians, like Tim Pawlenty or Joe Lieberman, so that he could vote with his lower brain in order to spend time next to an attractive woman. I think that we should consider John McCain to be totally unstable and unfit for any type of political office."
Presidential Historians said that the potential for scandal was high with such a pairing, with noted scholar Andrew Sullivan writing over the weekend that "we know that the Oval Office is a sexually charged environment, and that older Republican men are tempted to dalliances, from Fred Thompson's Washington horn-dogging to Dwight Eisenhower's scandalous affair with Minnie Pearl. Why would voters want to put their stamp of approval upon this again?"
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August 28, 2008
Pyramid
A giant sixty-foot pyramid is constructed at midfield, and when the time for the speech comes the upper section tilts backwards to reveal Obama inside, who then gives a stirring speech to those assembled about how he will work to "erase George Bush's name from the history books."
Although volunteers were available for the labor, this was still abandoned as too expensive.
Half of the Titanic
Obama gives his speech from the deck of half of the Titanic, sticking up out of the midfield turf as if it is sinking. The theme for the speech is "Righting the Ship of State" and focuses on how we'll recover from 8 years of Republican misrule. Leonardo DiCaprio is on board to introduce him by yelling "The next king of the world, Barack Obama!"
Rejected because some thought the image of Obama on a sinking ship would resonate poorly with voters.
Tree of Life
A three-hundred-foot-tall tree, akin to the one in Disney's Swiss Family Robinson exhibit, takes center stage, with Obama standing beneath it's branches talking about how important it is to live in harmony with all the peoples of the world as well as with nature, and how he would help us to "repair our grievous injury to the only planet we've got."
During construction of the graphite tree, a smelly hippie known only as Dumpster Pop-Tart climbed up in it and refused to leave until all windmills were turned off at night to protect bats. The project had to be abandoned because there is no known way to get a hippie out of a tree.
Christmas in Cambodia
Invesco field is turned into a steaming jungle, and Obama gives his speech from the deck of a patrol boat talking about how our military is turning young men and women into killing machines that commit acts of savagery not seen since the Franco-Prussian war. His speech centers on how the horrors of fighting in an unjust war affected him.
Nobody but John Kerry thought this was a good idea.
Urban Renewal
Obama stands in the middle of an urban wasteland and begins by yelling "who's the candidate?" with the crowd answering "sho'nuff!" Then, as he talks about his experience doing community development, the gritty cityscape is turned into an attractive urban scene with cafes, organic grocery stores, and schools with massive funding problems.
This set was constructed but seized by police as evidence after a Detroit stripper's body was dumped here, clad in nothing more than a washcloth monogrammed with "Mayor KK." Police have no suspects.
Class is in Session
Returning to his most familiar setting, a faux classroom is set up and Obama gives a lecture on the importance of good governance to the nation, with 80,000 students receiving a PhD in Obamaology when he's finished.
Idea abandoned after Joe Biden read his introductory speech, titled "We will fight them on the beaches" and which appeared to be lifted completely from Winston Churchill, except for several spelling and grammatical errors.
SUCKERS!
Obama walks out and a giant banner unfurls behind him that says "SUCKERS!" He then reveals that his master plan was to be president, and he hasn't really thought about anything after that, so he's turning the country over to unreformed 60's radicals who will attempt to destroy the economy and allow communists to run amok on the world stage.
Held over for inaugural address.
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August 27, 2008
The phone poll, taken from August 21 to 24, surveyed 832 people and asked the question "Have you eaten dog food for any reason in the last two months?" 0.6% respondents answered "Yes", whereas only 0.2% of respondents in a similar poll taken in June answered affirmatively.
Poller John Zigby said that this signaled a shift in American attitudes about eating pet foods. "It used to be that only college students, two-year-olds, and the elderly ate dog food, but now we're apparently seeing more and more people eating it as a meal. I'll grant you that it is delicious, but to me this is an indictment of the entire military-industrial complex and the unlawful Bush war that has led to people eating first their pets, then pet food. Soon they will be reduced to devouring their shoe leather."
Both campaigns seized upon the poll as evidence of why they should be elected president, with Obama saying that McCain "will only continue to drive you to the pet-food instead of the whole-food aisle" and McCain telling an audience in Iowa that "the only choice Barack Obama can offer you is whether you want dry food or canned."
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"It's finally dawned on him that he might win this thing," said one McCain campaign aid. "That's why he's been going into overdrive on this vice-presidential thing. If he can find a democrat to agree to be his running mate, and then announce it on the final day of the Democratic convention, he'll make sure that the few people that hear about it will be die-hard conservatives, thus driving them away permanently. And without them, he'll easily drop a good 20% in the polls."
"He's not called 'Maverick' because he killed a goose through pilot error," said another staffer. "Obama's incompetent choice of Biden really raised the stakes for John, because it makes the GOP road to the presidency easier. Make no mistake: this is McCain's race to lose now, and lose it he will, even if it means promising to nuke Lichtenstein in order to drive voters away."
One source close to both the McCain and Clinton camps said that the phone lines have been "scorching" between the two since she became available for the VP nod, but that she is concerned about his unwillingness to see things through.
"Listen, Hillary's not in this to lose to Obama a second time," said the long-time Clinton loyalist. "While McCain only seems to be worried about keeping his maverick, drive-away-the-base reputation alive at all costs. Hillary's got her own 'Harpy of the Beltway' reputation to safeguard, you know. Plus, these Machiavellian schemes she runs aren't cheap; she's gotta pay back the benefactors somehow."
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August 26, 2008
"Her speech was fantastic," said independent journalist Keith Olbermann. "Simply the greatest oratory delivered within the last hundred and fifty years. All of the passion, courage, and political conviction that you can possibly imagine was wrapped up in that speech. I cried so hard my glasses fogged up."
Even opponents were amazed at her political acumen. "Who would ever have thought to use children and touching anecdotes of a candidate's personal life to connect with voters and earn their sympathy?" asked conservative columnist Andrew Sullivan. "She's like the cool of JFK meets the political wizardry of FDR! Continuing to keep Michelle under wraps would be a morally outrageous equivalent to putting a tarp over the Statue of Liberty or waterboarding Bozo the Clown."
Not all Democrats were pleased. Former president Bill Clinton told reporters that the speech didn't do enough to heal the wounds from a bruising primary. "I didn't hear enough about Hillary or about my legacy," he said. "This convention should be about how the Clinton legacy has been tarnished by eight years of Bush and the Republicans, and what we're going to do about restoring it. And the first step of restoring the Clinton legacy is to have a Clinton at the helm."
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August 24, 2008
The only candidate so far is a border collie named Lucy Lou.
The situation isn't unusual for the Boone County town. The former mayor was a black labrador retriever named Junior Cochran, who died May 17 after serving since 2004.
The Kentucky Enquirer reported on its Web site Thursday that the Rabbit Hash Historical Society has scheduled voting to begin Aug. 31 and end Nov. 4, with voters paying $1 per vote. Proceeds benefit the historical society.
According to the Web site www.rabbithash.com, candidates for the office may be humans or animals but not ducks or geese.
Actually, I don't see what's the big deal. Here in St. Louis, dogs and dead people vote all the time, so I guess letting them hold office is a logical conclusion.
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August 23, 2008
The official who spoke did so on condition of anonymity, saying they did not want to pre-empt a text-message announcement the Obama campaign promised for Saturday morning.Mission accomplished!
Update: Let the spin begin!
Biden is a foreign policy heavyweight with a decade longer in the Senate than the seasoned Republican presidential candidate, John McCain.Translation: If you really want experience, America, vote for Barack Obama and Joe Biden! Who is John McCain to talk about experience when Joe Biden has been in the Senate nearly a decade longer than he has?
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