So, Has Anybody Seen DPUD Today?

I didn't know he was a jogger.

Police in Buckingham Township in Bucks County say the man grabbed a woman who was out jogging on Monday afternoon and held her in a bear hug. He then fled in a small silver sport utility vehicle.

Earlier in the day, police say, a woman walking along a trail in Nockamixon State Park was approached twice by a naked man fitting the description of the man in the Buckingham incident. He fled without assaulting the woman.

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Moron of the Day: What do you mean we only get one?

In case you missed it, Donovan McNabb is semi-retarded:

Following Sunday’s 13-13 tie against the Bengals, Eagles QB Donovan McNabb said, “I’ve never been part of a tie. I never even knew it was in the rule book. I was looking forward to getting the opportunity to get out there and try to drive to win the game. But unfortunately with the rules, we settled with a tie.

“I guess we’re aware if it now.”

Breathtaking.  I wonder how many other professions allow such impressive ignorance.

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Moron of the Day: I fought the law and guess who won?

Yes, I understand the mysterious allure of premium vodka, but if you're not in that income bracket, maybe you should stick to the Val-U-Rite:

Police found Thomas driving on Water Street at 10 a.m., stopped his vehicle and took him into custody. Thomas was charged with fourth-degree shoplifting for the theft of the stolen liquor, valued at $241.78. He was released, pending a municipal court appearance.

Surveillance video showed Thomas entered the store on two occasions on Tuesday and Wednesday between 3 and 5 p.m. and took several bottles of Stoli Elite Vodka off the shelf each day.

The video showed Thomas sliding the bottles down the front of his pants and walked out of the store without paying.

Nothing new I can provide here, seeing as how I'm concerned about my house burning down.

But, still. There are security cameras everywhere these days. Dumbass.

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Moron of the Day

I'm ashamed to say the Moron in Chief's place had this before me but the man earns his award today like few others have:

Meet Kyle Drinkwine. The Wisconsin man, 24, allegedly became so incensed by a lackluster karaoke performance of a heavy metal song that he assaulted the singer and a second man, police charge. According to a River Falls Police Department report, Drinkwine throttled singer James Mischler, 28, and his friend Cyrus Kozub, 29, "over one's ability to sing karaoke." Though cops did not specify which song set Drinkwine off last week, Kozub told TSG that Mischler was performing "Holy Diver," the title cut on Dio's 1983 debut album (the band is fronted by Ronnie James Dio, the former Black Sabbath lead singer)

No word on if he was wearing a cape and scepter at the time of the incident.

(Also filed under Alice H.'s "wtf is wrong with Wiconsin" category.)

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Moron of the Day: The Family That Drinks Together

All get arrested for DUI together:

Indiana state police said that after a mother was arrested for drunken driving, the three relatives who came to pick up her 1-year-old son also had all been drinking. A state trooper stopped a minivan for speeding early Saturday on U.S. 30 in Schererville in northwestern Indiana. He arrested the 24-year-old woman on a drunken driving charges.

The boy's father arrived later to pick him up, but officers determined he was intoxicated and also arrested him on a drunken driving charge.

Police said the boy's grandparents then arrived. Both of them also had been drinking, state police said, but the grandmother who was driving was not over the legal limit, so officers escorted them home with the child.

Legendary.

(h/t: Boots and Sabers)

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Moron of the Day: You Mean Other People Have Tried That Before?

Okay, I meant to post about this over the weekend but got distracted and now it is in the comments to my previous post so here we go.

Apparently, Melissa Etheridge feels that she isn't enjoying the entirety of her rights as an American (Californian, I guess, but to her I'm sure there is little difference) citizen and as a consequence has decided to withold her half-a-million in taxes this year.

Singer Melissa Etheridge has come up with a novel way of protesting against California's ban on gay marriage – she is refusing to pay the state's taxes.

The legality of the singer's marriage has been called into question by the passing last week of Proposition 8, which reverses the recent decision to legalise same sex marriages. And according to Etheridge, this makes her a "second class citizen" in the eyes of the state. But writing on the Daily Beast, Etheridge says that the state will not receive a cent from her.

She wrote: "OK. So Prop 8 has passed. Alright, I get it. 51% of you think I am a second class citizen. Alright, then. So my wife, uh I mean, roommate? Girlfriend? Special lady friend? You are gonna have to help me here because I am not sure what to call her now. Anyways, she and I are not allowed the same right under the state constitution as any other citizen."

She continued: "I am taking that to mean I do not have to pay my state takes because I am not a full citizen. I mean that would just be wrong, to make someone pay taxes and not give them the same rights, sounds like that taxation without representation thing from the history books."

Hate to break it to her but she is taking that wrong.  The worst part is that she (and the MSM) seem to believe this is a novel thought.  They seem to believe that nobody has every before in America thought they weren't enjoying the fullness of their rights.  Nope, not ever.

By her logic, the following people should also not need to pay taxes:

• Anyone living in a Fascist Gun-Free City like Chicago or any city that "infringes the right to keep and bear arms" in any way.
• Anyone that is not a member of a 'victim' group that does not receive a job or admission to college due to unconstitutional* race preference policies. 
• Everyone in America that could conceivably argue that an illegal vote cancelled their legal vote out.  This reasonably could be construed to include all American citizens.

I really could go on and on.  In the end, nearly every person in the country has some pet policy they believe is oppressing them on and would love to stop paying taxes in protest.

There's just one problem:  We have to.  I know this may be novel to someone with the mind of an idiot man-child but the American tax system includes penalties for non-payment.  We aren't all, in fact, paying because we just love contributing to laziness and illegitimate children.

You could even go to jail!  I know, Fascism!!!!1 Probably racism, too! What?  The Prop 8 Brigades hate black people?  Awesome.**

I just can't believe these people are taken seriously in political circles.  Their political ideology and logical reasoning skills are about as clever and calculated as Jackass: The Movie. 

* - Last I checked the 14th Amendment makes it illegal for congress to enact any law that discriminates on the basis of race, etc.  Picking one person for something because of the color of their skin seems to pretty clearly violate that.

** - Is anyone else having a Nero-playing-the-fiddle kind of fun watching the various Victim Groups tear each other apart?  I mean, it was always inevitable wasn't it?  Each of them grab for more and more victimhood but there is only so much to go around and now that they've reached saturation the only place to get more is from other groups.

Delicious. 

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I repeat, I am a chick

So I went to bed stupid early last night (read 8:30 p.m.) because I've had an annoying week and wasn't sleeping much during the week and was exhausted.  I tossed and turned for a few hours and finally decided to put in a dvd to play in the background.  You know, something calm and soothing that would help me relax.

My choice?  Alien v. Predator. 

Look, I would have put in The Lake House but that I would have watched.  And it has 100% less explosions.

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Moron of the Day: Sex Offender Lists

So you get a pumpkin on your head, take off all the rest of your clothes and run down the street.  Sounds like a good time to me!  Not so fast:

Boulder police issued tickets to participants after the 10th annual Naked Pumpkin Run turned rowdy Friday night and those found guilty will have to register as sex offenders.

The Boulder Daily Camera reported about a dozen people were ticketed after the naked runners started just before 11 p.m.

In the Halloween tradition, runners gather at a house to carve out pumpkins. Later in the night, they meet at a secret location (usually a nearby empty parking garage) shed their clothes and streak Peal Street wearing the pumpkins over their heads. In past years, police mostly stood by as the crowd made its way up the popular pedestrian mall, but this year police managed to catch some before the run began.

"We wanted to do something before (the event) got out of hand," Police Chief Mark Beckner told the Camera. "This was a good opportunity to enforce the law."

It is things like this that make sex-offender lists so fucking stupid and useless.  It reminds me of the 18 year old who got put on the list for receiving a BJ from his 17 year old girlfriend.  Fucking ridiculous.

That list is supposed to be an early-warning system to parents that some mega-douche just moved into their neighborhood.  Putting basically innocent people like this on the list waters down the value by making parents more inclined to ignore it.

But, I hear you ask, "How are we to determine which 'sexual crimes' belong and the list and which don't?  Wouldn't be fair to put some on the list and leave others off."

If you need to ask that, I have a helmet and a pair of REALLY sharp scissors I'd like to hold onto.

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Moron of the Day: Sky's the Limit Retards - You can be a Democratic congressman!

Jerrold Nadler says, "Let Russia invade Georgia!"  Why?:

"So let 'em invade Georgia. It's right next to them. Would we tolerate a foreign--a Russian army in Mexico? Which is more important to us Georgia or Israel, frankly?"

Actually, a more appropriate analogy would be us invading Mexico.  Does the congressman support the United States issueing millions of visas to Mexican citizens, then invading on the pretense that our citizens are being mistreated by the Mexican government?

Seriously, if this guy can be in the house, why can't I?

Moron Pundit for U.S. Congress:  2010.

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Morons of the Day: Vietnamese Health Ministry

Just like a bunch of commies to let public outrage get in the way of good policy...  wait, what?:

Faced with mounting public criticism, Vietnam's Health Ministry suspended a widely ridiculed plan to ban short, thin and small-chested drivers.

The ministry had recommended that people whose chests measure less than 28 inches be prohibited from driving motorbikes — as well as those who are too short (less than 4 -foot-8 [inches]) or too thin (less than 88 pounds).

When the media revealed the plan this week, it prompted disbelief and scorn among members of the public, who envisioned the police pulling over female drivers to measure their breasts.

As Glenn would say, that's a feature, not a bug.

Morons.

Sign up now to receive your Vietnamese Boobie Inspector badges.

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Moron of the Day: How dare you accuse me of Drunk Driving?

I should go down to the Police Station to protest! 

Right after I finish this beer...

An Austrian man, charged with drink driving, drove to a police station to complain about the charge whilst drunk, officials said on Monday.

The 65-year-old had his driving license and car keys first taken away from him on Sunday after driving while over the alcohol limit in the northern city of Linz.

He then went home, picked up his spare car keys, went back to the abandoned car and drove to police headquarters to explain why he was unhappy with the charge.

"When the driver tried to show police officers what had happened the first time, they detected he was still under the influence of alcohol," police said in a statement. The driver was charged a second time.

Bravo!

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Moron of the Day: A Day at the Museum

Did you know that the Field Museum in Chicago allowed after-hours private parties for college students? I didn't but I'm glad they do:

Students of Northwestern's Kellogg School of Management reportedly got drunk, vomited on the floor, spit at people, passed out and threw things at Sue herself.

"There was definitely some inappropriate behavior that occurred at the event,'' said Northwestern spokesman Al Cubbage.

In an e-mail reprimand to her fellow students, Andrea Hanson, a vice president of the Kellogg Student Association, called the Sept. 26 party "an embarrassment.''

Hanson declined to elaborate Thursday, but in the e-mail to classmates she described how drunken students -- "already too overserved" -- forced the Field Museum to shut down the open bar to try to calm the situation.

Students smuggled in alcohol -- filling trash cans with empty bottles -- and some students "passed out in high-traffic areas,'' wrote Hanson, adding that "students were throwing things at a historic artifact: Sue, the Tyrannosaurus rex, which the Field Museum purchased for over $8.3 million.''

Reportedly, they won't be allowed to return without "Breathalyzers, high security, and chaperones."

Stay classy, Kellogg School of Management!

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 10:27 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Moron of the Day: You've Got Mail ... and Herpes

As a public service to the few of you who've actually had sex*, I provide you this link:

It’s not usually that easy to tell someone you have slept with that you may have exposed them to a sexually transmitted disease.

But a new initiative called inSPOT is seeking to make it easier, Medical News Today reported.

Through a Web site – www.inSPOT.org – the initiative allows you to notify sexual partners, past or present, of any potential exposure by sending free electronic postcards.

One of the postcards starts of with the message, “There’s no easy way to say this. . .”

And you thought you were getting a birthday card!

* - By sex I don't include the following: blow up dolls, yourself, goats or any other animal, robots (no matter how lifelike), Paris Hilton, or apple pie.

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Moron of the Day: Truth in Advertising?

I can't really go into sourcing but I was just made aware of a man who legally changed his name to Mostamazing Mostbeautiful.

Tell me that isn't fucking awesome.  I'm changing my name to MostStupid NeedsMedication.

What are you changing your name to?

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Moron of the Day: Badass

Today I use the term Moron not as a pejorative, but as a badge of honor.  The recipient, well, read this:

"I turned [when] I heard a grunt. All I saw was eyes full of hatred … I had no option … So I stuck my foot up and tried to kick her in the face," he said.

The bear then attacked him, knocking him to the ground, and West soon found himself on the losing side of an ill-matched fight.

"I rolled onto my stomach and clasped my hands at the back of my neck. She tore into my skull at the back of my head, moved over and bit me on the left side of my body, on my ribs and left arm," said West.

Knowing he would likely soon be dead unless he fought back, the injured West managed to get to his feet and picked up a stick about as thick as his arm.

"I said, in effect, bring it on sweetie. I took one step forward — smash!" said West.

"I swung the stick and broke it over her head. She kind of stood there and shook it off, like she was stunned," he said.

"I realized if I didn't continue the attack she would knock me to the ground again and I would not get up.

"I swung my piece of wood like a sledgehammer driving spikes and I kept swinging till she was lying flat on the ground and there was blood coming out of her nose," said West.

That's right, morons.  This guy beat a fucking bear to death with a fucking stick.  After it had thrown him to the ground and mauled him. 

Badass.

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Fellas, Keep Your Ladies Happy At All Times

Lest they try to injure your genitals.

Her husband of two years, Ealy Jones Jr., sustained second-degree burns and was taken by emergency helicopter to Tampa General Hospital.

The couple was staying at a home in the 7000 block of Sixth Avenue Northwest watching Turay’s nieces and nephews, deputies reported.

[the wife]boiled the water as Jones slept and threw it on his groin area, the report said.

And, yes, the woman had been drinking.

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To steal from HA

Dude.

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Morons of the Day: Goat Curse

Yes, all the idiots (including me) that were starting to believe in the Cubs this year are the Morons of the Day.

The magic of Cubs fan pain is that they build you up before they break you down. You'd think we'd have learned by now.

Anyway, it is time to institute Moron Pundit's Centennial Sucking Ruleâ„¢ which states:

Any professional sports franchise that competes in 100 seasons of their sport without winning the title are to be removed from the league and abolished as a sporting entity.

At least then, the pain could stop.

 

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Morons of the Day: Do I have to think of everything?

So we've got several Somali pirates in control of a Ukranian cargo ship and they won't return the weapons-laden vessel (or her crew) until they receive $20,000,000. 

Am I the only person on Earth that sees how easy the solution to this is?  It reminds me of the prisoner/corpse exchange in Israel earlier this year. 

What you do is you give them the money.  Hell, give them $40,000,000 in gold bars (the reason for gold will become apparent shortly) and send them on their merry way. 

Wait until they are back in their homes and the Ukranian vessel is under control, send a dozen predator attack drones* to track the bugged money and blow them and everyone they are friends with to hell, chunky-salsa style. 

You'll be glad you used gold instead of cash at this point because it will survive the explosions and be salvagable.  That's thinking ahead.

What's so hard about this?

* - Whatever.  Cruise missiles, MOABs, acid sprays, C-130's full of human waste.  The important part is that they suffer and die.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 09:16 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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Moron of the Day: Al Davis

It hurts because I picked the guy. I picked the wrong guy.

No, Al.  You are the wrong guy.  Raiders fans should get used to sucking until you realize that.

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