Moron of the Day: I'm Not In My Bedroom

But I can be mean:

“I don’t think people fought and gave their lives so that some guy can sit in his bedroom and be mean. I don’t think that’s what freedom of speech is,” he continued. “Freedom of speech is really about assembly — for us to collectively have an idea. We want to get our point of view out so we can assemble and I can appoint you to be the spokesman. That’s freedom of speech — to be able to collectively speak for a sector of people. But somehow it’s turned into ‘I can be an a****** whenever I feel like, say whatever I like, be disrespectful to people and not be courteous.’ It’s not good for our society. Not being courteous is not really freedom of speech. …

Coug... can I call you Coug?  I'm going to ignore for the moment your breathtakingly retarded interpretation of the Constitution and bypass my almost sympathetic views about civility in society to get down to the heart of the matter.*

Are you not aware of how much you suck? 

I mean, you have to be, don't you?  All the name changes were obviously a ploy to avoid being associated with the previous anal excretions you criminally labelled 'music,' right?

No? 

Well, allow me to elaborate:

I'd rather listen to Bjork have a seizure for thirty hours than listen to that goddamned "Aint That America" song one more fucking time.  After the fourty billionth time that motherfucking Chevy commerical came on I just about poured flesh-eating beetles in my ear canals to make the suffering stop. 

I mean, let's be honest.  Every fucking song you've ever been involved in is as pedestrian as a New York City sidewalk.  Your flag-waving populism is as artificial as Hal 9000's intelligence. 

The fact that you're famous is more insulting than Triumph at the Special Olympics.   You have less skills than a level 1 Orc Fighter.  Your more repetitious than a stutterer recounting the transcript of a game of Go Fish.

I once took a shit that had more personality and a vastly superior grasp of Constitutional law.  It smelled better, too. 

Are we clear on the sucking yet?  Because I really, really want you to understand how fucking useless and banal you are.  If you had never existed and your music had never been written the total effect on the Universe would be that people generally wouldn't consider Cougar a name. 

Fuck you, you useless shit.  Shove your folksy guitar up your ass and make out with Geisha Chainsaw.

Update: By popular demand...

GEISHA IS FACECOCK!

* - Of course, instead of limiting free speech to prevent people from being assholes, I've always supported a system based on the statement, "a well armed society is a polite society."

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 11:46 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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Moron of the Day: The Media

Just saw this headling on the Fox News Website:

Jackson Family Attends Private Service at L.A. Cemetery: Watch Live

How the fuck am I supposed to watch a "private" ceremony?  Who knew the death of a bizarre, probably deranged musician would be more important than a possible revolution in Iran or the arrest of the Honduran President or North Korea launching missiles on the Fourth of July.

Its times like these when I wish the whole damned system would just collapse so I could live Mad Max style and people would start caring about important things again.

On the other hand, it is a testament to the greatness of our wealth and productivity and safety that we have the luxury to care about some weirdo's funeral.

In closing, fuckity fuckity fuck.  Motherfuck, titsandass.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 10:56 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Moron of the Day: I Was NOT In California This Weekend

Just about perfect:

Authorities say a drunk, nude Lancaster man covered in his own blood was Tasered and arrested by police as he tried to flee Ventura County Medical Center armed with scissors.

Brought to you by Jagermeister*.

* - To steal a joke by Dave Attell.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 09:22 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Alex and DPUD had a party the other night...

Woman, Pool Of Blood Found By Side Of Butler Co. Road

courtesy of goddessoftheclassroom over at the Head Moron's.

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Science PWNS Jenny McCarthy Yet Again

Seriously, toots, just stick to taking your clothes off for money, and leave the science to , OMG, scientists, we'd all be happier.

In Sweden, the 15,000-strong Somali community calls autism "the Swedish disease," says Elisabeth Fernell, a researcher at the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm and a co-author of the study.

In Minnesota, where there are an estimated 60,000 Somali immigrants, the situation was quite similar: There, health officials noted reports of autism among Somali refugees, who began arriving in 1993, comparable to those found in Sweden. Within several years of arrival, dozens of the Somali families whose children were born in the U.S. found themselves grappling with autism, says Huda Farah, a Somali-born molecular biologist who works on refugee resettlement issues with Minnesota health officials. The number of Somali children in the city's autism programs jumped from zero in 1999 to 43 in 2007, says Ann Fox, director of special education programs for Minneapolis schools. The number of Somali-speaking children in the Minneapolis school district increased from 1,773 to 2,029 during the same period.

Oh, and I wonder if Oprah still wants to greenlight a show for this imbecile.

 

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Moron Pundit For President: Why I'm Not A Republican

My previous post left questions about why I'm not a Republican or a Democrat or a Libertarian so I'll answer these in order.  Today I'm doing Republican (I'm not sure there's enough bandwidth to explain why I'm not a Democrat... I'll probably just list their platform verbatim). 

Oh, I'm going to get some hatemail for this one...

more...

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 09:09 AM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
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Moron Pundit for President!

I have a dirty secret. 

I'm not a Republican.  Never have been.  While I have, with every opportunity provided, voted for Republicans I can say with great pride that I've never actually joined the party.

Why?  Well, for the only good reason there is:  I don't agree with their politics.  Sure they're slightly to the right of the Democrats on several issues and I find I'm more ideologically aligned with their leadership and principal cheerleaders but when it comes down to it they (and the Democrats, natch) fail completely to gain my single-issue vote.

No major political party is devoted to protecting my freedom above all other considerations.  For that reason, when I run for President in the 2016 election* I cannot align myself with either established party but must run as an independent under the banner of a new party called The American Emancipation Party**.

It is said that John Adams' original draft of the Declaration of Independence had, instead of Jefferson's questionable affirmation of our equality, the far more valuable statement, "All men are created equally free and independent."  That shall be the motto of this party and the goal of government if I'm in charge.  The entire system of governance will be directed toward the goal of maximizing your freedom and allowing the natural genius of human innovation to provide for the common welfare.

Let's be honest, both parties want to control your life.  They just want to do it from different directions.  Democrats*** want to destroy your economic freedom, your freedom to hate things or behave stupidly or have unpopular opinions.  The Republicans*** want to control who you get married to or who you have sex with or what types of research you can pursue.

They both argue till they are blue about which ways they should be able to control you and how the other side is fascistic for wanting to control you in their different, evil way.  Question:  Which ways would you like a bloated Federal Government to control you? 

Answer: Fuck you, that's which. 

In the coming months (and maybe years) I will lay out the platform of the American Emancipation Party and show you how a strict adherence to the superior importance of LIBERTY is the only way to produce a government that is equitable, prosperous and safe.

God Bless America!  Now, where is a baby I can kiss?

* - Am I joking?  Can a pseudonymous individual run for President?  Is this for real?  I'm not saying.  What I will say is that the goal of this experiment is to get people talking about issues and policy and not about people and parties. In pursuit of that goal, I'm as serious as a heart attack. 

** - All the good party names are taken, of course.

*** - I don't necessarily agree entirely with these characterizations without the disclaimer that they only apply to wings within the parties and certainly not every member of them.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 03:08 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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Bill O'Reilly Must Not Have Been Able To Book Rick Astley For His Show

Seriously, don't you have something more fucking important than this shit to worry about?

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Moron of the Day: Wedding toasted

Boy, I sure hope that the blushing bride didn't make him wait until the honeymoon:

A Taiwanese groom died on his wedding day after having too much wine and beer to drink, police and local media said Monday.

The man, 35, an insurance company worker surnamed Wu passed out at home after drinking too much Saturday at a high-end restaurant in Taipei among more than 100 wedding guests, the Liberty Times reported.

[...]

Wu was hospitalized after his face turned black, the paper said. A hospital spokeswoman said he died despite treatment.

Ah, aren't weddings just magical? I tell you, I always get all misty-eyed. Especially when a member of the wedding party croaks.

Posted by: Sean M. at 02:16 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Good Thing My Bad Knees Keep Me From Jogging As Much As I Used To

Because I wouldn't want to have to encounter this.

A man driving a white Mitsubishi Magna allegedly approached a 17-year-old girl running on Caldwell Avenue at Tarrawanna at about 6.45am (AEST) on Tuesday, before similar incidents involving another 17-year-old girl in Pioneer Road at Bellambi an hour later and a 22-year-old woman in Meadow Street at Tarrawanna at 8.30am (AEST).

"Police will allege that on each occasion the man was ... masturbating," police said in a statement.

A 22-year-old Corrimal man was arrested a short time after the incidents and charged with three counts of commiting an act of indecency.

Posted by: eddiebear at 01:01 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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Moron of the Day: I'm Feeling Lucky

After placing the pilfered liquor in the only logical location, our hero thought he'd do the police a favor and write down his name and address before leaving:

An alleged shoplifter with a bottle of whiskey in his pants decided to take one more gamble before leaving a Washington County liquor store: filling out a raffle ticket. But the gamble led police right to him. The man was charged Thursday with misdemeanor retail theft, resisting an officer and disorderly conduct.

After filling out the raffle ticket to win a ticket to a Slinger Speedway race, the 20-year-old also allegedly snatched two more whiskey bottles before he fled B&S Liquor in Hartford.

Owner Steve Jost said the store clerk saw the suspect fill out the ticket and wasn't going to chase him. The ticket box had been emptied the previous day, so the clerk opened the box after calling police.

Guess which state?  I'm starting to think I could do this category with only Wisconsin stories and have more than enough material. 

Update: Related.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 09:27 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Teacher FAIL

If you do what we tell you to well enough, we'll punish you for it.

The teacher claims the assignment was to illustrate an act of terrorism by a foreign government on American soil.

...

District 70 Superintendent Dr. Dan Lere said students may have misinterpreted the assignment.

He says if a student, "actually did illustrate an act of terrorism that they might commit, let's say against the school, we've expelled students for that."

Uh, no, Dr. Dan, I don't think the kids misinterpreted the assignment.  I think you may have misinterpreted the definition of teacher when your district hired this buffoon.

Posted by: Alice H at 08:42 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Moron of the Day: WTF Is Wrong With Wisconsin?

I'm still waiting to answer fellow blogger and S&M aficionado Alice H.'s question about whether I make Wisconsin a better or worse place but I'll offer this story as exhibit A:

A 51-year-old Grafton man was arrested for drunken driving after he drove from Oak Creek to Wauwatosa with his air bag deployed Wednesday evening.

According to a Wauwatosa Police Department report:

The man had been drinking at On The Border, a strip club, and on his way out of Oak Creek, he struck a pole and damaged the front of his vehicle.

Why did he stop?  Did he realize his airbag was deployed or that he was obviously too drunk to be driving?  No, he ran out of gas.

Exactly how fucked up would I have to be to make Wisconsin's idiot problem worse?

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 10:16 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Moron of the Day: Missing Details

I am suspicious that an important detail is missing from this story:

Police said a 27-year-old man was arrested on Saturday after he was found passed out in his vehicle in a restaurant drive-through. Police said they found the man behind the wheel with his 4-year-old daughter in the running car.

Authorities said the man was arrested on a charge of failure to be in control of the vehicle. He also faces a charge of driving under suspension.

One hyphenated word:  Val-U-Rite.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 09:58 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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From The "Please Shut The Fuck Up" Files, Australia Edition

Nice to see that hateful preachers (Fred Phelps, Jeremiah Wright, etc.)aren't just the rage in America.

The Catch the Fire Ministries has tried to blame the bushfires disaster on laws decriminalising abortion in Victoria.

The Pentecostal church's leader, Pastor Danny Nalliah, claimed he had a dream about raging fires on October 21 last year and that he woke with "a flash from the Spirit of God: that His conditional protection has been removed from the nation of Australia, in particular Victoria, for approving the slaughter of innocent children in the womb".

 

Posted by: eddiebear at 11:22 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Moron of the Day: Andy Dick (again)

"Zany," "unpredictable", "comedian" Andy Dick admits a shocking detail about his life:

Seven months after his arrest for assault, public intoxication and drug possession, Andy Dick says he's learned his lesson.

"When I drink I turn into a moron," the comedian, 43, tells Entertainment Tonight. "I think I'm being funny and clever, but I look back on the video tape and I border on retardation."

There are literally hundreds of jokes in that short exerpt.  One doesn't know where to start. 

Other Things That Turn Andy Dick Into A Moron

1. Breathing.
2. Eating.
3. Cocaine.
4. Cocaine.
5. Cocaine.
6. Having Mass.
7. Sexual Confusion.
8. Eating Cocaine.

I also wanted to state that the last thing he said there also applies to his entire career.  The sad thing is, somebody must have thought he was being 'funny and clever' enough to keep giving him work.

Where's Jon Lovitz when you need him?

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 12:48 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Just Remember This The Next Time You Want To Get Drunk And Molest A Raccoon

Bad things are bound to happen.

Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with pals when he leapt on the terrified – but toothy – fur ball.

“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned casualty surgeons in Moscow.

Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood.

“He’s been told they can get things working again but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off," said a pal.

Yep. Sounds like a good time to me.

Posted by: eddiebear at 12:41 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Moron of the Day: Moron of the Year 2008

Well, I've let the voting continue well into the new year and it was a close one. 

A mere vote separates first, second and third place but the man with the hammer in his ass has taken first prize. 

Thanks for voting and hopefully we can provide a lot more Morons to pick from in the coming year.

Here's a nice one to ring in the New Year:

Police say an angry 4-year-old Ohio boy grabbed a gun from a closet and shot his baby sitter. Nathan Beavers, 18, was hospitalized Sunday with minor wounds to his arm and side after the shotgun attack. Police say another teen was also injured.

Witnesses told police the child was angry because Beavers accidentally stepped on his foot.

Not to be bigoted against large swaths of the Moron population but this may be relevant:

Beavers was watching the child at a mobile home in Jackson with several other teenagers and several other children.

Sounds like the Spuckler family from the Simpsons.

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Moron of the Day: Moron of the YEAR

Its been a great year for Morons so now you get the chance to pick the Moron of the YEAR! I have narrowed the list down to the following five but feel free to add your favorites from the Moron of the Day category in the comments if you think I'm an idiot.

• The Holy Diver - A man that loves his karaoke so much he'd kill for it.
• The Travelling DUI's - The family that binge drinks and drives together stays together... in jail.
• Federal Boobie Inspectors - What could be better than that?
• Bear Slayer - Stone. Cold. Badass.
• Hammer Time - The news story that made you ask, "which end of the hammer goes in there" and prompted Alice "Anal Penetration Expert" H. to respond "it helps you pull it out."

Who is your pick for Moron of the Year?
	The Holy Diver
	The DUI Family
	Federal Boobie Inspectors
	Bear Slayer
	Hammer Time
pollcode.com free polls

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 09:45 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Moron of the Day: Alcohol makes you British

Apparently if you have enough to drink, you forget what side of the road to drive on:

A 35-year old Syracuse woman is charged with drunk driving after she hit a parked police car head on Saturday night.

Here, I drew a picture to explain.  I'd write about it but a recent argument with a liberal stole my ability to speak.

Soon, the much anticipated Moron of the Year competition.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 09:20 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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