November 24, 2008

Twelve Days of Christmas Economic Index

APERH, the Association of Pointy-headed Economists Ruining Holidays, today released their long-awaited 2008 version of the Twelve Days of Christmas, a popular feature that allows the average layman to see how much the cost of everything has risen since the song’s original writing, in 1542, when the entire list of gifts cost six shillings, three crowns, two hogsheads, and fourpence, plus a meat pie and two comely lasses of virtue true.
 
“Today more than ever, it’s important to get this information out way in advance of Christmas,” said APERH spokesman Lucille Blarney-Whitte.  “Because we want to make sure that the holidays are appropriately ruined by ill feelings about the economy.  We wouldn’t want any Black Friday retail boost this year!”
 
APERH pegged the cost of the Twelve Days of Christmas, which is out of reach of all but rich Sultans and the occasional Wall-Street Fatcat, as follows:
 
A Partridge in a Pear Tree:  Retail value:  $0.22, based on the typical cost of pears bought wholesale.  Having Danny Bonaduce pose naked inside the stack of pears is considered free, as he is a well-known low-rent attention whore.
 
Two Turtle Doves:  Not available, because cross-breeding a turtle and a dove is wrong, and APERH refuses to play God.  Although their Korean affiliation did offer to supply two turtle-doves for only $645,000, with a skunk raptor thrown in for free, this gift violates all biomedical ethics and should be soundly denounced by right-thinking people.
 
Three Freedom Hens:  $147.50.  As continuing punishment for our unreliable, shifty-eyed, beret-wearing, mime-loving ex-allies, “French” Hens are no longer acceptable as gifts,
 
Four Calling Plans:  $25 a month (roaming charges may apply).  But if your teenage daughter gets infatuated with somebody on another plan, this might cost you way more than that.
 
Five Golden Rings:  APERH regrets that the weight of the golden rings was unavailable, as they were stolen by a wild-eyed McCain voter convinced that Obama’s win signaled the end times.  The crazed survivalist buried the rings in a coffee can under the floorboard of his Unabomber-style shack up in the hills, and Federal agents have yet to recover it.
 
Six Geese a-Laying:  $1.99 a pound, or just under $240.  Unfortunately, the real value of these geese cannot be realized, as they were all brutally slaughtered when they wandered near a Sarah Palin press conference.
 
Seven Swans a-Swimming:  $752,843,192 (Superfund Site Cleanup Bill).  The swans died and their bodies disintegrated because the lake was polluted with toxic waste because of lax environmental regulation. 
 
Eight Maids a-Milking:  $642 for the milk.  The maids were fired because it was revealed that they were not maidens, but rather tramp-stamped former Kid Rock groupies.
 
Nine Ladies Dancing:  Unfortunately, a catfight broke out when an inner-city dance squad accused the all-white dance squad of stealing their moves, preventing the APERH judge from getting a realistic evaluation of the cost.  He did, however, describe the scene as “titillating” and said it might make for “very revealing filming.”
 
Ten Bloggers Blogging:  Free.  APERH has updated this, since Lords went out of style with the closure of the upper house of the English parliament.  The good news, though, is that anybody who pays for bloggers (singly or by the gross) is a moron, since there are hundreds who blog for free.  Please note that you get what you pay for.
 
Eleven Hash Pipers Piping:  $245 in California, Free with cup of coffee in Amsterdam.  This is the most regional-based purchase of the gifts.
 
Twelve Drummers Drumming:  $84.  Since drummers are the least-talented of all musicians, anything more than minimum wage is overpaying for their services.
 
Total Cost of the Twelve Days of Christmas:  $752,844,575.72

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