While others waste their time worrying over an Anthrax Conspiracy that is a bigger hoax than the so-called Moon Landing, a nefarious force is working behind the scenes to decide everything from presidential elections to important issues like NFL games.

Come below the fold for the horrifying details, if you dare.

Barack Obama recently said that he wants the full delegations from Michigan and Florida seated. Is he insane? This gives Hillary Clinton the popular vote total, and ensures that if she pushes hard at the convention she can disturb or even derail his nomination as presidential candidate for the Democrats. Rumor is she's already doing this.

Yet, if Clinton wins the convention fight she surely loses the electoral war: Republicans will be energized, youth voters will be de-energized, and moderates will be horrified. McCain will just run newsreels showing fistfights on the convention floor and cruise to a landslide victory.

What's the functional difference between McCain and the Democrats?  McCain doesn't favor universal health care.  And unless we get universal health care Americans will begin dying off at massive rates, and Canadians here, like Howie Mandel, will flock back to their home country for medical treatment.

In any conspiracy, it's important to ask: who benefits? So ask yourself this: who might want to see Howie Mandel flee to Canada?

Packers icon Brett Favre was traded to the New York Jets. Why would the Packers, who have no proven quarterback, trade their icon away under a cloud recrimination?  Because that way the Jets will be powerful enough to derail the mighty Patriots and finally win the division.  Everyone knows the magic of Favre is all that New York City needs to throw its second consecutive Super Bowl parade.  Just ask SI's Peter King.

Ask yourself this: who might want to see Howie Mandel flee to Canada and is a Jets fan?

Everyone knows that oil prices are spiking through the ceiling But the do-nothing congress is dragged out of session by Nancy Pelosi so she can sell copies of her book from the trunk of her car (at least, this is the only explanation I can think of for her low sales numbers).

Pelosi is no fool; she knows this issue is a poison pill for her party.  But she's willing to stand by while oil prices go to 200 $/barrel and ordinary people trade in their boat-towing Hummers to buy bicycles or ride-share on Priuses.

Why would she do this, unless a Hollywood powerbroker was forcing her to stand idly by with threats of having her replaced by a more amenable representative? Because everybody knows that all California politics are driven by Hollywood power brokers.

Ask yourself this: who might want to see Howie Mandel flee to Canada and is a Jets fan and is a Hollywood powerbroker?

Finally, Al Gore has been receiving a lot of awards lately: first an Oscar for his home movie, then a Nobel Peace Prize simply for being a corpulent scold. Yet now it comes to light that he owns several homes that consume as much energy as Indianapolis and has recently bought a boat that Bruce Wayne would think is extravagant.

But tell me this: how did all this information come to light? Where did these photos and records come from? Some highly-connected individual with reason to hate Al Gore for his success, perhaps, exposing the skeletons in the former Vice President's closet to prevent him from becoming the new Environmental Poster Child?

So ask yourself: who might want to see Howie Mandel flee to Canada and is a Jets fan and is a Hollywood power broker who would want to tarnish Al Gore's environmental credentials?

There's only one reasonable answer: Ed Begley, Jr.

He's hated Mandel ever since they were on St. Elsewhere together, and now that they are going head-to-head on TV Begley's HGTV show can't compete with Deal or No Deal. So now he's going to sacrifice American lives to do what six consecutive Emmy nominations never could: find television success.

And who other than Begley would want to see us riding around on bicycles or golf carts looking utterly ridiculous, like he does? This is why he forced Pelosi to demobilize congress on an obvious election-losing issue like drilling. If you truly believe that the first female Speaker of the House is that stupid, then you're a misogynistic ageist.

As for Al Gore; well, just imagine if you'd been preaching the vegan lifestyle for thirty years, suffering through the increased flatulence and hairy pits and all else that entails, and then some DC slick comes along with a carousel of slides and wins an Oscar. You'd be pretty angry, too. Then the guy gets a Nobel Peace Prize, despite the fact that he emits more CO2 than Godzilla at a rave. It's only natural that you'd plot revenge to discredit him.

And Begley's always been a Jets fan, ever since his days growing up in New York. So of course he's gonna help them out if he can. Because what's a nefarious conspiracy worth if you can't rig football games? The only reason the NFL is clean right now is because the Mafia is full of basketball fans.

The only real question is this: what did Begley gain by silencing John Edwards?

Posted by: plebian at 04:42 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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