The League of Republican Villains

Rove Luthor:  All right, everyone.  Part six thousand, four hundred, and thirty-two of my evil plan to install a Christianist government over the United States has come to fruition:  Iraq has been destroyed.  Now it’s time for part six thousand, four hundred, and thirty-three: selecting the right running mate for warmongering McCainiac so he can conquer our ancient enemy, Belize.
 
Huckster:  I think, in order to shore up the base and appeal to independents, we need to nominate an ordained minister of a narrow-minded religious group.
 
Grundy:  Buchanon Grundy agree!  Nominate Grundy now!  Now!
 
McCainiac:  Forget it, you two.  I want to win this election, not get remembered for the worst vice-presidential choice since Dan Quayle.
 
Quiddler:  I resent that!  Potato really should be spelled with an “e”!
 
Luthor:  Shut up, all of you.  You’re not the right choices and you know it.  Does anybody have any useful ideas?
 
Sinestro:  Only I, Joe Sinestro, have the cross-aisle appeal that will bring in moderates!  Only I, Sinestro, know the inner workings of the Democratic League of Justice!  Only I, Sinestro, can help you reach victory, McCainiac!  Only I, Sinestro, can-
 
Grundy:  Buchanon Grundy say shut up, Sinestro! Buchanon Grundy no like Jews or Liberals, and you both!  Buchanon Grundy hate you!
 
Quiddler:  You smell like anus.  You know that, don’t you?
 
Grundy:  RAAAARGH!
 
McCainiac:  Silence!  Or I will chase you all to the gates of hell!  Sinestro makes a good point: I need cross-party appeal.
 
Riddle:  Cross-party appeal?  Be realistic, McCainiac; nobody has any clue what you are in the first place.  Are you a liberal, like all your good friends who you admire so much?  Are you a warmonger, like Bushitlerkhan?  Are you a staunch conservative, like Mr. Snooze?  We just can’t tell!
 
Grundy:  You no should talk, cultist freako!  Buchanon Grundy smash!  RAAARGH!
 
McCainiac:  Grundy, silence or I’ll have them cut your TV time.
 
Grundy:  Buchanon Grundy will be good.  Buchanon Grundy love see self on TV.
 
Luthor:  I think Mr. Snooze would make a good sidekick.  He shores up the base and would absolutely devastate Captain Bullshit’s sidekick in the debates.  What do you think, Mr. Snooze?
 
Mr. Snooze:  Zzzzzzzz……
 
McCainiac:  If he couldn’t be bothered to wake up when he was running, what chance do I have that he’ll wake up and help out now?
 
Luthor:  Sigh.  I guess you’re right.  Who else?
 
Quiddler:  What about the Arctic Fox, hottie librarian of the North?
 
Arctic Fox:  Rawwrr!  I’d love to!
 
Sinestro:  You’re sure to turn off moderate voters with a good-looking, well-spoken, intelligent governor!  Pick me!  Only I, Sinestro, can draw in pro-choice upstate financially-conservative socially-liberal war-supporting professionals!
 
McCainiac:  He makes a good point.
 
Luthor:  How about a compromise candidate?
 
Bizarro:  Me no speak so much yet!  Me want speak now!  I rEVOLutionary!  You listen me talk now!
 
McCainiac:  Oh God, not again….
 
Bizarro:  I no read my own writing.  I smell like armpit.  I no make sense.  I good choice.  You pick me now, we win for sure.
 
Luthor: You’d only be a good choice on your home planet, dipshit. 
 
Bizarro:  You no say me good me quit party and start own party!
 
Luthor:  Do you promise?
 
Quiddler:  Can you take ass-smelling Grundy with you?
 
Grundy:  RAAARGH!
 
Luthor:  How about choosing the Pawlentus, McCainiac?
 
McCainiac:  Is that some nickname for Gangsta Dick Cheney?
 
Luthor:  No, he’s a different person.
 
McCainiac:  I don’t know.  What do you think, Sinestro?
 
Sinestro:  Only I, Sinestro, can appeal to the pro-war pro-choice socially conservative Democratic voter who feels somewhat uncomfortable voting for a reformed Marxist like Captain Bullshit!
 
McCainiac:  He makes a good point.
 
Luthor:  Sigh.  Let’s at least order dinner while we finish arguing this out.
 
Grundy:  Buchanon Grundy only eat American food!  Buchanon Grundy pick!
 
Sinestro:  Only I, Sinestro, have the power to order a dinner which, while appealing to the eye, actually tastes like ashes and leaves you crouching on the toilet for two hours while chunky soup shoots out your rear end!
 
McCainiac:  He makes a good point.
 
Luthor:  Sigh.  This is going to take forever…

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