A totalitarian state has suddenly begun waging war on America, yet we look on in stupid impotence like a junior high-schooler staying up to watch PBS in hopes of catching an old British sitcom that shows nudity.

How long will we let this flagrant provocation go unpunished?

I speak, of course, of Canada's continued aggression against America and her interests.

In Georgia, Canada's lapdog Putin is creating an unjust and false war, hoping to tie up America's formidable military by forcing us to protect one of Europe's last non-Russian energy pipelines. Even now, the provinces of Ossetia, Ashkeniakenzeka (which is probably Georgian for Atlanta), and even Terra are threatened by these jack-booted totalitarians.

The Canadians know that our losses in Europe could never be replaced by the black market for Levi Jeans that a return to totalitarianism in Russia so surely represents. And they want our military tied up so that they can proceed with their own nefarious scheme to influence our election and ruin our nation.

Is it any wonder that a Canadian agent was found preparing to attack Denver with cyanide gas? Only the efforts of Jack Bauer and his team prevented a catastrophe, but it is a sure warning sign that more deviltry is sure to come from the Frozen Kaiser, Steven Harper.

You see, Canada is and always has been jealous of the United States, and this is why they attack us now. They have mountain envy.

Mountain envy is serious. It's the reason that China seized Tibet, after all. Freud said that mountains are a country's penis, and the country with the largest mountain therefore has the largest penis. Otherwise border wars would just be arguments about who gets taxes from the hicks in the hinterlands.

And countries do not go to wars over hicks in the hinterlands.

Canada's Mount Logan may be grand, but it's shorter than Mount McKinley, North America's tallest peak. And Every time Canadians see Mt. McKinley, the US is saying "mine is bigger than yours and that's why women like me more and I get invited to more key parties than you do."

And if there's one thing Canadians can't stand, it's not getting invited to key parties.

So they've been itching for years to get their hands on Mt. McKinley, and now they see their chance. With the US preoccupied with Iraq and Georgia, Canada is free to seize the "breakaway" province of Alaska and take Mt. McKinley and rename it Mt. Thompson, which is the closest thing they have to an assassinated president.

But in typically Canadian fashion, he was poisoned by his father after being made a member of the Privy Council by Queen Victoria. How dorkish. How ridiculous. How Canadian.

Why the Democrats? Because while McCain is totally preoccupied with the nonexistent threat of Al Qaeda, only Barack Obama sees into the soul of our seemingly inoffensive neighbors to the North.

Obama would pull American forces out of Iraq and bring them home, ready to protect us from their bland totalitarianism. And he would further pull out of NAFTA, which does little more than line the frozen pockets of those plutocratic ice-humpers to the north while impoverishing working families here in the US.

They also know that Obama would aid Quebec freedom fighters, who are on the side of liberty and justice. Obama embraces multilingualism, going so far as to encourage children to do better than he has and learn Spanish.

Canadians, meanwhile, reject multilingualism as if it were a turd in a punch bowl, like all English-speaking peoples in the world, because they want to make everyone exactly the same: pasty, bland, and humorless. Why else would all their comedians flee here, if not to escape persecution at the hands of the notorious Canadian death squads?

Somebody set the doomsday clock to 11:59, because Eskimogeddon is almost upon us.

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