President Barack Obama today announced that the United States would boycott the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio as a sign of protest for the IOC's snub against his adopted hometown of Chicago, despite a strenuous two-hour lobbying effort by the President and the First Lady.

"Let me be clear: the IOC's decision is racism," he told a group of independently-minded sycophants in the White House press room.  "And it's sexist, too, since Michelle asked more than I did.  It's a shame that the taint of the Bush legacy continues to damage our once-great nation, in which Michelle and I endeavor to be proud of despite its many, many grievous faults and shortcomings."

He went on to say that he thought the organizers in Chicago were to blame.  "It was like a Special Olympics organizing group," he said to chuckles.  "Those guys were all thumping their chests and drooling and stuff.  It was, um, really, uh, emboozling.  I mean, embarassing.  Sorry, there's a glare on the teleprompter."

Although the president didn't get what he claimed that he wanted, many thought that it was part of his plan.  "The Olympics are a boondoggle and a disaster anyways," said noted conservative opinion-shaper Andrew Sullivan.  "Obama saved us from the Olympics and kept it from blowing a hole in Chicago's budget, because he's got more foresight than the Hubble telescope."

Liberals were delighted as well.  "This should finally shut up the right-wingers," said Keith Olbermann.  "They keep calling Obama a fascist or a communist.  Well, since Beijing got the last Olympics, and Hitler got an Olympics, I guess that makes them wrong, doesn't it.  Doesn't it?"

When reporters asked why he didn't boycott the 2012 Olympics, Obama replied that "Even though I hate Gordon Brown, I don't want to have to skip the Olympics during my presidency.  By 2016 I figure I'll be President of the United Galactic Planets or something, so it won't be my problem any more anyways."

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